Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary
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FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Well, I couldn't settle last night and after a fitful 3 hours kip I got up and have been sat doing bike club number crunching and admin stuff ever since.. mum has been up and down all night too... I just can't imagine what she's going through... might pop up there with a cuppa in a sec as I know she's been awake pretty much for the last 3 hours too... sunrise in Buckinghamshire is so pretty.. but today it doesn't have quite the same appeal somehow..
I have to do a new set of questions and print them out (for oncologist) and a letter for the GP to ask for a report to go off to help mums application for attendance allowance.. you know, my stepdad would be mortified if he had known what was going to happen... and he would have changed his damn will years ago and made sure mum was better "taken care of" in monetary terms... money can't cure cancer but it can make living with it a bit more comfortable... and less worrying... still... too late for that now..
Will be going home after the hospital visit and will have loads to think about on the 2 hour journey back.... it's going to be a long old day I reckon as I have a massive list of things I need to get done before tomorrow's journey... someone's told me it's going to be raining which will mean it's not going to be very pleasant... might do it over 2 days after all... dunno... dunno much at the moment... except that at 3am kitkat popit things are wonderful and that a spicy tomato soup (cd pack) at 4am is a thing of rare quality!! lol
I hear you about the food thing but I MUST persevere with the diet if I am to have the corrective surgery I need... and if I slow down my loss then it slows everything down... my feeling in control of SOMETHING is really important right now, and I had hoped it would be the diet.. as I have no control over finances... work... or mum's dreadful illness..
*sigh* wish I'd gone back to sleep for an hour... too late now.. sun's up and daylight's flooding into the lounge... plenty time to sleep tonight (when I've finished my list!)
Will update later.. thanks for the thoughts .. means a lot more than you might think.. xxxxxxxx
I have to do a new set of questions and print them out (for oncologist) and a letter for the GP to ask for a report to go off to help mums application for attendance allowance.. you know, my stepdad would be mortified if he had known what was going to happen... and he would have changed his damn will years ago and made sure mum was better "taken care of" in monetary terms... money can't cure cancer but it can make living with it a bit more comfortable... and less worrying... still... too late for that now..
Will be going home after the hospital visit and will have loads to think about on the 2 hour journey back.... it's going to be a long old day I reckon as I have a massive list of things I need to get done before tomorrow's journey... someone's told me it's going to be raining which will mean it's not going to be very pleasant... might do it over 2 days after all... dunno... dunno much at the moment... except that at 3am kitkat popit things are wonderful and that a spicy tomato soup (cd pack) at 4am is a thing of rare quality!! lol
I hear you about the food thing but I MUST persevere with the diet if I am to have the corrective surgery I need... and if I slow down my loss then it slows everything down... my feeling in control of SOMETHING is really important right now, and I had hoped it would be the diet.. as I have no control over finances... work... or mum's dreadful illness..
*sigh* wish I'd gone back to sleep for an hour... too late now.. sun's up and daylight's flooding into the lounge... plenty time to sleep tonight (when I've finished my list!)
Will update later.. thanks for the thoughts .. means a lot more than you might think.. xxxxxxxx
tech1960ps
Full Member
Praying for you and your mum Jennie. I hope she can beat her illness. Keep strong.
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Diet gone completely for a Burton this afternoon... spent the entire drive home wailing and yelling and crying... shouting to the empty car about the unfairness of it all... nothing quite like being told for sure that your mum's got terminal cancer to put you off settling for a spicy tomato soup as your mainstay!
That said , it's not as bad as we thought in some respects - she isn't going to shuffle off this mortal coil just yet - but - when asked he just said he didn't know.. and if anyone starts giving numbers to ignore them... as it could be weeks, months or it could be years... and it depends on how she responds to the treatment...
Tomorrow she starts her first of 5 sessions of radiation therapy and bone drug infusion .. and drugs to attack the cancerous cells...
We have no idea how it will go... that's the problem with being mere mortals and not psychics... she was in a huge amount of pain today and the stress of it all made it a billion times worse...he was a brilliant Dr though and asked her if she wanted him to speak frankly, she said yes... so he told her... it was not possible to cure it...she asked how long would she have to deal with it.. and he said he didn't know, nobody does.. and it could be months or years... they don't know if the tumour is a primary or secondary but it is identical in histoligy to her original breast cancer 9 years ago...
The official diagnoses is Metastatic Breast Cancer - dominant in bones, in particular spine, ribs and right hip.
It was dreadful and when sis took mum out of the room I had a long talk with the Dr and he said it could be weeks, months or years... it really is a case of wait and see.. but.. he had me sit in whilst he dictated a letter to the GP and in that he said that we had asked about a DS1500 and whilst it was difficult to state a timeline that the disease is terminal.
He is arranging for treatment to begin in the morning and for the McMillan team to contact mum a.s.a.p and also Occupation therapist and Physiotherapists too... the goal is pain management, slow down the growth and improve quality of life so she can be as independent as possible... I almost cried when it was just me and the Dr but I knew mum and sis were waiting so I didn't... got told of by them both for taking so long!! FFS... sis knew I had the list of questions... she wanted them asking too! grrrr... we got back to the house and she couldn't wait for me to leave... it was awful... I cried almost the entire 2 hours drive home..railing at the world and the injustice of it all... I know it wasn't unexpected news but hearing it from an Oncologist, and entering a cancer ward... well.. reality arrived with a crashing thud!
So.. an entire roast chicken, a bag of kitkat bits and a stack of ginger biscuits later and here I am... reeling ... wondering just how long our lovely mother will be with us... I am hoping that however long it is, that she is pain-free because it's just terrible seeing her in so much pain...
I know it could be a year, maybe even 2... but I am not convinced... we shall see... so... poor mum... my heart is breaking...
That said , it's not as bad as we thought in some respects - she isn't going to shuffle off this mortal coil just yet - but - when asked he just said he didn't know.. and if anyone starts giving numbers to ignore them... as it could be weeks, months or it could be years... and it depends on how she responds to the treatment...
Tomorrow she starts her first of 5 sessions of radiation therapy and bone drug infusion .. and drugs to attack the cancerous cells...
We have no idea how it will go... that's the problem with being mere mortals and not psychics... she was in a huge amount of pain today and the stress of it all made it a billion times worse...he was a brilliant Dr though and asked her if she wanted him to speak frankly, she said yes... so he told her... it was not possible to cure it...she asked how long would she have to deal with it.. and he said he didn't know, nobody does.. and it could be months or years... they don't know if the tumour is a primary or secondary but it is identical in histoligy to her original breast cancer 9 years ago...
The official diagnoses is Metastatic Breast Cancer - dominant in bones, in particular spine, ribs and right hip.
It was dreadful and when sis took mum out of the room I had a long talk with the Dr and he said it could be weeks, months or years... it really is a case of wait and see.. but.. he had me sit in whilst he dictated a letter to the GP and in that he said that we had asked about a DS1500 and whilst it was difficult to state a timeline that the disease is terminal.
He is arranging for treatment to begin in the morning and for the McMillan team to contact mum a.s.a.p and also Occupation therapist and Physiotherapists too... the goal is pain management, slow down the growth and improve quality of life so she can be as independent as possible... I almost cried when it was just me and the Dr but I knew mum and sis were waiting so I didn't... got told of by them both for taking so long!! FFS... sis knew I had the list of questions... she wanted them asking too! grrrr... we got back to the house and she couldn't wait for me to leave... it was awful... I cried almost the entire 2 hours drive home..railing at the world and the injustice of it all... I know it wasn't unexpected news but hearing it from an Oncologist, and entering a cancer ward... well.. reality arrived with a crashing thud!
So.. an entire roast chicken, a bag of kitkat bits and a stack of ginger biscuits later and here I am... reeling ... wondering just how long our lovely mother will be with us... I am hoping that however long it is, that she is pain-free because it's just terrible seeing her in so much pain...
I know it could be a year, maybe even 2... but I am not convinced... we shall see... so... poor mum... my heart is breaking...
Eclipse
Gold Member
Oh Jen my darling, so sorry to hear your news, even though it wasn't entirely unexpected by you, it is really difficult to actually hear it spoken by an Oncologist. When I was first diagnosed with NHL I was told I would have 5 years "if I was lucky", and both Ash and I were mortified. Now, 6 cancers and 13 years later, I am still here honey. No one can say for sure what the prognosis is, but the main thing is halting the spread, controlling the pain, and giving your mum the quality of life she deserves x x x
Oh and sod the chicken, kit-kats and biscuits. Put your diet on hold for a while, and concentrate on yourself, your mum, your sis and your family darling x x
Oh and sod the chicken, kit-kats and biscuits. Put your diet on hold for a while, and concentrate on yourself, your mum, your sis and your family darling x x
Redpam
Living the Life
I feel your pain, Jennie.
It is one thing to feel you know what the news will be but another entirely when faced with the bald truth by the experts.
Hopefully things will not be a bleak as you feel at the moment and she will be with you for a lot longer than you think. My lovely Dad was 84 and they gave him no treatment other than tablets to help keep the prostate cancer in check and yet he lived for nearly 4 years.
((((hugs))))
Pam xxx
It is one thing to feel you know what the news will be but another entirely when faced with the bald truth by the experts.
Hopefully things will not be a bleak as you feel at the moment and she will be with you for a lot longer than you think. My lovely Dad was 84 and they gave him no treatment other than tablets to help keep the prostate cancer in check and yet he lived for nearly 4 years.
((((hugs))))
Pam xxx
Summerskye
Gold Member
I'm desperately sad to read your latest news Jennie and your anguish and deep love for your mum is evident in every word.
It would be superhuman for anyone to stick to any kind of diet 100% at this time and, whilst you are a wonder woman, superhuman you ain't. When you've had some time and space to get your thoughts together I've no doubt you'll be back on track but until then take care of you as well as your mum.
xxx
It would be superhuman for anyone to stick to any kind of diet 100% at this time and, whilst you are a wonder woman, superhuman you ain't. When you've had some time and space to get your thoughts together I've no doubt you'll be back on track but until then take care of you as well as your mum.
xxx
pandora
finding my way again !
Oh my lovie , like the others have said expected news still hurts like slap in the face when delivered by experts . I can undestand your anger & despair , having a good screaming session will help , do wherever helps because you will need your strength . As for eating , Jen , sod it , you obviously need it & I know you have said about time tables for surgery , but I don't want you to look back & see that having the strength to help your mum & enjoy the time you have together was lessened by your stuborn refusal to take care of No 1 ,take care , love as always xxxx
Barb
Gold Member
Jennie we don't 'speak' often but I just wanted to know that I am so very sorry to hear your awful news. You must not worry about unimportant things (food) right now, you have more than enough to contend with without beating yourself up over some kit kat.
Your Mum must be so glad to have such a loving daughter there fighting her corner for her. I just hope that things seem a little better in the coming weeks as this initial shock wears off and that your Mum can be made as comfortable as possible.
Your Mum must be so glad to have such a loving daughter there fighting her corner for her. I just hope that things seem a little better in the coming weeks as this initial shock wears off and that your Mum can be made as comfortable as possible.
Hi Jennie...
I'm truly sorry for what you and your family are facing, words can't really comfort us when we've been hit with a shock like that.
I'm on round 2 of chemo and radiation after being given the all clear recently. It's hard, I won't lie...but you know what, I think it's harder for those around me. You need to be strong for your mum, and to do that, you need to look after yourself and keep strength up. Of course dieting takes backseat when something like this happens, but keeping energy up doesn't mean you can't eat healthy nutritious food and go for a brisk walk to clear your head.
Small piece of advice, I found the treatment leaves me very dehydrated so it's important you keep your mum hydrated. Also my skin got very sore, especially dry on my hands...if your mum is in need of a little cheering up maybe treat her to some nice handcream
Chin up...cherish the time you spend with your mum and try not to let sadness or worry overshadow it.
I'm truly sorry for what you and your family are facing, words can't really comfort us when we've been hit with a shock like that.
I'm on round 2 of chemo and radiation after being given the all clear recently. It's hard, I won't lie...but you know what, I think it's harder for those around me. You need to be strong for your mum, and to do that, you need to look after yourself and keep strength up. Of course dieting takes backseat when something like this happens, but keeping energy up doesn't mean you can't eat healthy nutritious food and go for a brisk walk to clear your head.
Small piece of advice, I found the treatment leaves me very dehydrated so it's important you keep your mum hydrated. Also my skin got very sore, especially dry on my hands...if your mum is in need of a little cheering up maybe treat her to some nice handcream
Chin up...cherish the time you spend with your mum and try not to let sadness or worry overshadow it.
wannabeminime
Gold Member
Just ((((Hugs)))) to you Jennie. You're in my thoughts. xxx
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Thank you all... for the thoughts, words and advice.. I have spent all afternoon in or close to tears - ridiculous... not cried at all at mums (apart from a wobble in the shops).. and today, waterwork city!
I got my bike club orders packaged and posted and also went to see some lovely friends of mine and had a good sob, hug and pray. Came home and rang Cunard... I am determined to get back Mum's £564 deposit... the lady I spoke to was lovely and said she is going to call the holiday agents in the morning - and she asked her team leader and they seemed to be in agreement that it is highly likely that mum can have her money back.. I will be pleased if she does... it's an awful lot of money to lose when it's for such a bad reason..
She (the lady from Cunard) is going to let me know in the morning when it is sorted... my sis is going to text me and let me know how mum gets on at the hospital - she has an xray and her first session of radiation therapy and first bone drug drip tomorrow! I don't envy her, nor my sis as she once again is going to be there watching mum go through it... by the time I see her again (in 10 days) she should have completed the radiation treatment and be feeling brighter.. hopefully.
I understand all the "she could live years" etc... but right now, it just doesn't feel like that... and yes... hearing it from the Oncologist has really been a shock ... I am shocked at how shocked I am to be honest... perhaps its because I have been so busy with mum that I allowed myself to kind of push it to the back of my mind... I know he didn't tell me anything I didn't know but it just made it really real.. I mean.. it was real anyway... but now... well.. it's REALLY real...
Felt sick and breathless earlier... now I am just exhausted... but still got to get on and do stuff before I turn in tonight... need to do about an hour of "stuff" then pack then sleep...
Rang mum and told her about hopefully getting her dosh back.. I got upset and she just said to put it behind me and have a lovely holiday... lol good old mum...
I sent her a little hug... saw a card with a lovely piccie on that said "I am a hug" and inside "for when you need it"... and I wrote a note in it and then popped inside a little book called "Little Book of Joy"... I showed her it the other week and she really liked it... so I stuck a note on that said "a spiritual hug for you until I can give you a real one"...
I think she'll like it...
Right... tears have stopped for a moment so am going to get on whilst eyes open... thanks again.. xxxxxx
I got my bike club orders packaged and posted and also went to see some lovely friends of mine and had a good sob, hug and pray. Came home and rang Cunard... I am determined to get back Mum's £564 deposit... the lady I spoke to was lovely and said she is going to call the holiday agents in the morning - and she asked her team leader and they seemed to be in agreement that it is highly likely that mum can have her money back.. I will be pleased if she does... it's an awful lot of money to lose when it's for such a bad reason..
She (the lady from Cunard) is going to let me know in the morning when it is sorted... my sis is going to text me and let me know how mum gets on at the hospital - she has an xray and her first session of radiation therapy and first bone drug drip tomorrow! I don't envy her, nor my sis as she once again is going to be there watching mum go through it... by the time I see her again (in 10 days) she should have completed the radiation treatment and be feeling brighter.. hopefully.
I understand all the "she could live years" etc... but right now, it just doesn't feel like that... and yes... hearing it from the Oncologist has really been a shock ... I am shocked at how shocked I am to be honest... perhaps its because I have been so busy with mum that I allowed myself to kind of push it to the back of my mind... I know he didn't tell me anything I didn't know but it just made it really real.. I mean.. it was real anyway... but now... well.. it's REALLY real...
Felt sick and breathless earlier... now I am just exhausted... but still got to get on and do stuff before I turn in tonight... need to do about an hour of "stuff" then pack then sleep...
Rang mum and told her about hopefully getting her dosh back.. I got upset and she just said to put it behind me and have a lovely holiday... lol good old mum...
I sent her a little hug... saw a card with a lovely piccie on that said "I am a hug" and inside "for when you need it"... and I wrote a note in it and then popped inside a little book called "Little Book of Joy"... I showed her it the other week and she really liked it... so I stuck a note on that said "a spiritual hug for you until I can give you a real one"...
I think she'll like it...
Right... tears have stopped for a moment so am going to get on whilst eyes open... thanks again.. xxxxxx
