Well, been 100% since Thursday and struggling like mad at the moment but holding firm! Picked mum up from hospital yesterday - they were running late and it was 9pm before we finally headed home, bless her.. she is so poorly.
We both headed for bed as soon as home and she had a really bad night - up twice and in lots of pain, so she is back in bed now and has been asleep for a couple of hours. Pain seems to be under control heaps better now though and it's just the exhaustion that's getting to her for the moment..
Last night when she was getting into bed we had one of those very special "moments".. and a hug... I shall remember it always.
Today she managed to have a shower and come downstairs for her lunch.. I am giving her whatever she fancies, when she fancies it and her meds are all organised too. The "Hospice at Home" nurse came and I was pleased to meet her. She said she felt that it would be "this year, not next".. and that all we can do now is ensure mums quality of life is as good as possible.
From hereon in my sis will be here Sun eve - Thurs eve and I will be here Thurs eve- Sun eve. Work have agreed to me working flexible hours and also I am going to attend some things I have already got in my diary even though the are on weekends., but, I am going to sort out taking "holiday" to ensure my sister gets the time she needs too.
Mum is adamant that life has to carry on "as normal" for me and sis, but it really can't ever be that way again now.. a new "normal" is being created and then another new "normal" will follow.. but bless her, I know what she means and that's why I am still planning "normal" stuff.
Sis still seems to think mum will be around for years.. and if that helps her then fine and I will support all the "plans" that are being made with mum for the rest of this year and next year too.. she has "goals" for November (British Legion conference in Llandudno), December (Christmas) , Feb (sis's 50th birthday) and April (not sure what this is but think sis may be planning on getting wed... who knows!) ... it's also my birthday in November and I am really really hoping mum will celebrate it with me as usual.. but I respect the hospice nurse's experience of these things and think she probably is right.. but.. maybe not!
I was very emotional yesterday... tiredness does that doesn't it? I had been up 'til 4.30am making sure everything at home was in order so I could leave, work is busy too, and then had the 2 hour drive down and the waiting in the hospital for 3 hours before finally getting mum home and settled around 10pm. With a broken night last night I woke exhausted but I seem to have got my "second wind" now and have done the washing and went shopping for mum and also have been catching up on bike club emails too. I love the peaceful feel of mum's house. Her garden is blooming and the sun is shining and the only sounds are the airplanes (not far from Heathrow and Denham) and birdsong...
Hospice nurse was lovely and we had a very good discussion.. transpires that my sis has complained that she is struggling financially so I pointed out to the nurse that the ONLY cost to us is our time, emotions, energy and petrol. Sis is not losing any income as she is still signing on and getting everything paid for on her benefits... she is driving my mothers car and filling it with petrol using my mothers bank account... and mum buys all the food etc... so actually, by not being at home and using her own leccy and water etc (as she does her washing here, fair enough) then actually sis is better off!
The only financial cost to me is fuel too.. and I bring my own food.. lol.. CD packs for me!! So.. not sure why sis said about that although I know she is considering applying for Carers Allowance, and, if she is entitled to it then fair enough.. she should go for it. She is here 4 days and 4 nights out of 7, and there will be times when she is here more or less than that too... so what the hell!
I am delighted that she has actually left mum's debit card with her this time! Mum asked me to get her some cash out which I did and gave her the printout. I got a mini-statement for her too and there are some "odd" items on it.. I shall keep an eye on things I reckon...
Was peeved to see that sis and mum had made some pretty major decisions about her care without consulting me - not on when I am also caring for mum. I am not going to gripe about it to either of them. No point. But I am peeved.
Mr Misery is being a huge practical help back home - I left him a housework list, lol so he has said he will attend to that! Yay! lol Whilst I clean here he is cleaning back home... I am hoping to get very early nights when home to keep my energy levels topped up for my weekends here.
I love my mum so much and all that crap earlier in the year keeps playing in my mind and I am still really hurt about it. But. It is the past and now is now.
I am determined to keep losing my weight.. and.. I have made some appointments to see my Dr about helping me to cope and also organise a mammogram and check some lumpy bits I have too.. nothing to be worried about I'm sure and probably best to check just for peace of mind than physical well-being..
Right - am off to check on mum again.. I just stand and watch her sleep.. she doesn't look all that peaceful even when she sleeps...
I hate cancer.
