Appearance Apathy
Ok, so RawrGirl has been meaning to write this post for a long time now. And since RawrGirl posted cute pics, she now feels guilty and compelled to post bad pics, and since the bad pics serve as good examples of her appearance apathy, she figured she may as well type it up now.
RawrGirl has what she calls appearance apathy (based on one of her binge eating disorder books that referred to weight/body apathy, a person who gives up trying to reach goal and just eats what they want, and usually ends up becoming more and more obese).
Anyway, RawrGirl has appearance apathy. Basically she is a poster child for a What Not To Wear episode. Unless she is going on a date, to church, or meeting friends, she wears the same clothes every single day. And she doesn't mean the same type of clothes, she means she wears her (now baggy) yoga pants every single day, paired with a different shirt (T-shirt in the summer, long sleeve T-shirt in the winter) and when it's cold, one of her husband or her teenage son's hoodie or sweatshirts -- the same hoodie or sweatshirt. She alternates them weekly.
Up until very recently, RawrGirl slept in her yoga pants. She says "recently" because not until Prince Charming looked at her in surprise and asked, "aren't they the pants you wore all day?" did she even realize this was not normal. So RawrGirl picked up some nightgown thingy's she knew Prince Charming would like and now wears them.
What RawrGirl did know was NOT normal was that she doesn't even think to brush her hair everyday. (Yes, she brushes her teeth, lol!) And she doesn't even notice until she is out at the store or picking up Prince Charming from work and realizes that she has huge knots in her hair that stick out everywhere.
RawrGirl never wears makeup unless the date/church/friends thing, which Prince Charming doesn't care about, but RawrGirl only feels pretty with makeup on.
Rewind 20 years, and RawrGirl had a 2-hour beauty routine. She would not even walk to the mailbox without full makeup, jeans, a cute top, and heeled boots (RawrGirl NEVER wore sneakers unless she was exercising -- now, sneakers are ALL she wears). So what happened?
RawrGirl never felt pretty. She always felt ugly. Sometimes she cried so hard trying to do her makeup to feel pretty that she smeared her mascara and foundation and had to start all over again. And so...she just gave up. If she couldn't look/feel pretty when trying...why try?
Here are some quotes from a girl in a What Not To Wear episode that RawrGirl was like "Oh my gosh! Someone who actually thinks like me!!!"
"If I try, I'm saying 'look at me' which invites criticism. If I don't try or bother to look at myself, I can't criticize and remember all the things wrong with me."
"If I draw attention to myself, then I'm opening myself up to judgement."
"It's easier not to think about it, because them I'm not insecure about it."
"If you look good, or worse, if you know you look good, then people will think you are arrogant."
"Trying to look good produces anxiety, if you don't notice or look at yourself, you just forget, and don't have to feel that stress.
To those quotes, RawrGirl will add:
If I feel/look good, I'm saying I measure up, that I don't have to fix, alter, strive. If I feel confident in who I am, then other people will quickly point out that I've deceived myself, they will think "Look at her flaws -- this, this, and that. She is worthless and should stop tricking herrself (or trying to trick others) into thinking she's more/better than she is. She might be blind, but we're not. We see the real her. The her that doesn't measure up. She's not fooling anyone. So stop pretending."
So...with all that in my head...it's a lot less pressure to not try and to look invisible (and trust me, when you are in baggy clothes, with dirty knotty hair, no one notices you).
So anyway, RawrGirl is trying to overcome all this, and wants to wear real clothes every day even if just to go food shopping, and ONLY wear yoga pants and sneakers when she is exercising. She also wants to start brushing and styling her hair everyday, and to wear makeup...even if just a touch here and there.
And so, here are some pics of her in the past....
This one is of freakin' Christmas Eve dinner at her mom's with tons of family...and RawrGirl has hair in pony tail, no makeup, and baggy hoodie of teenage son's.
This one is last Christmas where RawrGirl did try to dress up, felt horrible, hates pictures, and her hair fell flat and looks stupid like always.
And this one is another example of RawrGirl's hair flat, parting down the center, and cutting her face in half and making her cheeks/face look fatter.
So, that is why RawrGirl named her diary "Blimp to Bombshell" because she doesn't just want to lose weight, she wants to feel confident and get over her appearance apathy and actually dress nice, buy clothes that aren't just jeans and t-shirts, heal from whatever emotional baggage causes her to binge, become feminine and graceful, and in general feel good about herself and enjoy the way she looks because 40 is only 6 years away, and she'd never felt pretty.
So she has spent the last 2+ months devouring every style book and overcoming binge eating book in the library and is now watching as many episodes of What Not To Wear as she can find on YouTube and jotting down tips, taking notes, and making a list of what she needs.
So...hopefully RawrGirl didn't sound pathetic through all of that, whilst all her Minimins friends are backing away from their computer screens in horror...
