Hi Everyone,
Thank you again for your thoughtful replies.
I am feeling a bit better – it is funny how it all changes how you feel when it’s “legal”. Suddenly all those realllly strong urges, and chatter boxes, etc., are all very much quieter. Yesterday was a near perfect day. Compared to days in the last week or 10 days or so – it was a great feeling. Maybe today will be a perfect one – but I am happy with an almost perfect one. It’s definitely progress.
It’s also nice to have my hubby home. He told me “You look skinny!” and he picked me up and swung me like pendulum – and that boosted my spirits to know end. When I lost all the weigh in 2008, I became his favourite toy – he was forever picking me up and swinging me around, jut cause he could – and it delighted me – just made me laugh like a kid – so that he can still do that made me feel a little bit better about things.
I do know, I am sick to death of thinking and obsessing about food or my weight. I just don’t want to have to think about it ALL the time. I am sick to death of it.
Walking in to work this morning, I realised, while I am bigger then I was at my first goal – I am not fat. Or obese – or even pudgy. So why do I feel so unhappy with myself? I think a big part of it is I feel out of shape – with my feet troubles and lack of walking/swimming, I am flabby –and I think I am more unhappy about that then my size – My size would look better if toned – but not necessarily smaller – if that makes sense. Its the wobbly bits that make me feel bad. But like today, I have my tight hip hugger jeans on and they really hug my thighs, and they look good! But strip em off, and the wobbly bits put me right in to depression.
So – armed with this knowledge – I know I need to get back into exercising, regularly and with joy- not angst – sooner rather than later. I loved it when I could do it and when my body wasn’t suffering – so I just need to find something to do again. It’s kind of a relief to think about it this way. I don’t mind being built for comfort, and not speed, as long as I feel confident, and I won’t feel confident until I am more toned. Partial solution found and accepted. Now I just need to pull my finger out and get sorted.
I have also recognised in me a trait I do not understand or like and am trying to work out what the root of the problem really is....and wonder if I look at things wrong. I really began to wonder – so I overeat, just because I want to – because it tastes good, etc., - or – do I have a problem leaving things behind? It’s like if there is packet with 6 things in it – and this is merely an example, nothing specific, but say there are 6 things, and I eat 3. I should be happy, and satisfied. And I usually am. But sometimes, I can’t leave it alone – I keep thinking there is still this or that in the packet – and even though I am not hungry I get them and eat them – sometimes, on very bad days I suppose, my very twisted twisted crooked thinking thinks by eating them it gets them out of the house removing the temptation. HOW CROOKED IS THAT!!!??? Lol I don’t know.
Anyway, more later.
Huge thanks to everyone.
xxxxxx
