Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

[Blonde Logic]

Thank you sweetheart. I am being good diet wise - I have had a couple of things merely for the sake of having something to pass - otherwise I was straining too much because the feeling was there but nothing to pass. Keeping it band, boring and essential only. Truth is I have no apetite and the fear of passing is great - so its a good balance. lol

We do have a Greivance Policy at work. I intended to do one. And my still, but a colleague informed me that she had a little chat with him and he admitted he handled it poorly. When she advised him I suffer from Fibromyalgia and that my memory is affected greatly by the "Fibro Fog" and that this is significantly enhanced when under stress. He put his head in his hands. And so he should have. I am still livid and hurt and upset. A grown man with years of so-called the "best exeperience out there" would have known better than to make a sweeping judgment without ever having a single conversation with me. What an idiot I don't now how much room I have for forgiveness afte the rubbish treatment I receive there over health issues, greif/PTSD issues and now this. You wouldn;t think the Boy Scouts would be such a heartless entity, would you? We'll see. I am joining a union though as going forward I will not be having any one to one meetings without a 3rd person there to listen for me.

 

[Kira]

Morning! That is a really good approach and how supportive of your colleague to explain to him. As a manager he should have got it right in the first place but at least he will now have the whole picture. You don't need to forgive him just remain professional and calm and having a third party for any further meetings is a good approach.

diet/food wise you've done brilliantly. I was so worried that with this kind of stress is is so tempting and without thought we turn automatically to food for solace.

keep drinking lots of water and rest and relax if you can. I hope today is a little easier honey.

 

[MinnieMel]

Morning BL!

I hope that things improve. Are you feeling any better - pain any less?

 

[Kira]

Hey! BL How are you feeling? I assume it's too early for you to go back to work and you may be enjoying the sunshine? Hope pain is manageable now? How have you managed food wise?

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thanks Kira.....rough. Just rough and sore and tired. I think after I write this I will close my eyes and be away with the fairies for a few.

Food ahs been going fine - in a way - and not in others. I have felt so rotten I have had no apetite. I did not know this was possible. lol Seriously. But I did make a choice in advance that I would eat what was offered coming out of the general anestheia as I know how harsh that is on you. So I had the dryest whole meal bread with one thin slice of turkey and I think they showed the Pack Spread to the bag of bread but that is as close as the two ever got to each other. A bag of sawdust on a dewey morning would have tasted better.

Then fine on packs for a few - but now I think I am in trouble. I have not had a poo since the op. Not one to be proud of. . Just tiny little result for HUGE and PAINFUL efforts. I have to be SO careful not to strain - but its getting difficult. I just cannot pass anything - it gets too painful and I feel like I might rip in two. I do not want to rip out the work they did by pushing too hard, but to be hnest I have a feeling there is just not enugh inside mt to actually be able to push this blockage out of the way. So today I decided to eat a few lite meals just to try and bulk up enough to smoothly move things along. I got a couple bananas and some cottage cheese, some wafer thin ham, and some yogurt. Also 2 tins of prunes and some whole grain crackers. So I hope I made the right choices. I am not really functioning too clearly with all the meds, and I was prettty uncomfortable by the time I got to the store - I had to walk as there is a problem with my tire. So I hurried to get out of there and just grabbed what sounded OK, not too tasty, requiring no preperation, and was very good and ignored the "poor you, you deserve a treat" voice. Pain has a way of keeping you on task. lol

I see the doctor tomorrow and cannot imagine I will be going back to work on Monday. There is just no way I could sit at a desk all day.

How are you doing Kira? Have you got your focus hat back on? I know you were having a few wavery days. How are you feeling now?

xxx

 

[Kira]

((((Big hugs!!))) Don't know what is worse the pain or not being able to poo! Both I know are excruciating and debilitating! I think you've made great food choices and this is what we need to practice for maintenance in any event so not a bad thing at all. We can't live on this vlcd products forever and we know as intelligent women vlcd are simply a quicker and simpler (in one respect) to kick of weight loss. Ultimately it is the sensible eating we need to practice and we'll get there. Doesn't sound like you are physically read to go back to work by Monday not with the pain and the discomfort you are experiencing! If the constipation doesn't get better I strongly suggest having a curry (homemade if possible as you can make it low calorie ) or pasta with a tomato type sauce even ready made. They always seem to make me "go"! Just stick to small portion or watch calories.

As for me I have now gained about 9lbs since mid May and failed to get anyway over past couple of weeks. However, I think I turned a corner today as went to town and with a bit on unplanned retail therapy tried a few dresses on, made a couple of purchases (even though they would look better on me with 9lbs less of fat!) it motivated me enough to get back on track. So having my third S&S pack at 6pm and then will have my 4th one later this evening. I had managed to get myself in a cycle of feeling anxious about weight, eating, doing vlcd, not doing vlcd, food etc and self sabotaging myself thinking I couldn't ever regain control. Rather like when I re-started weighing 149 (10st 9) never imagining I could reach 120 (8st 8) which I did back in early May!) Crazy I know! I just need to stop the panic and get on with it. I honestly think the panic and feeling I had diet fatigue has set me back.

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi BL,

Sorry you're still so unwell. I hope your sensible food choices do the trick.

 

[Blonde Logic]

Hi All,

Well, still having some ups and downs on recovry. Had to return to hospita yesterday. Was there all afternoon, but they gave me some morphone agani to help with the pain and than changed operatives and meds. So will see how it goes now. Have been signed off another week.

I am eating a little - and using packs a little - loose structure, being as inutitive as possible and continuing to make wise decisions. I am even eating carbs to a very small degree - just because I need the fiber of some ots, grains, etc. But I feel geed that I am not going stupid - just hopefully giving my body a balance of what it needs to lease both goals. Healt and loss. But even if it means I lose a week or two of losses - or put on a pound or two - at this point I feel I needed to do something - I just did not feel my body was healing or responding and I do feel better in a general well being sense for it. The paint and effects of the surgery are still difiicult, but the rest of me feels a bit stronger, which can ony be a good thing.

I just had groverys delivered now and so I have nothing to do for the next week aside from relax and continue to recover.

I feel like such a wimp. This is so not my recovery style. I take pride in my surgery records!! Have too!! Otherwise its mkae me cry!! LOL So I am not used to these kind of slow processes, etc. Or pain. Not loving this at all.

One step at a time, keep swimming and keep on building character. Its what we do, hey ladies?

xxx

 

[Blonde Logic]

lol my typin is attrocious. meds.

 

[Kira]

I'm glad you have another week off to recover and you do need food to heal not space food vlcd packs even though they are nutritionally fine. I'm sure you will not gain anything if you are careful and even if you do it is likely to be water gain. You'll be fine and like I said its practice for maintenance once you are done with vlcd.

i hope the pain does begin to subside soon though. It's the nausea that goes with pain that is equally debilitating.
rest, relax and recover. X

 

[Blonde Logic]

Well, after a week and a bit, after having to mix it up a bit with a bit of food with packs for healing purposes, I have not done too badly = gained a pound somewhere in the last two weeks. I will probably still have to subsadise a bit of food to bulk thinks up in order for my bodys muscle funstions to return to normal. If I can keep the loss low again I will be very happy. Hopefully I am near the end of this, but I still feel physically shattered and no where near 100%. Nowhere near where I would have expected to be nearly 2 weeks post op. I will just try and listen to what my body needs. It needs something, that is for sure.

I am wooped.

One day at a time. Its all I can think about at the moment.

xxx

 

[Kira]

Morning BL! You're doing great on the food front! 1lb over 2 weeks is nothing and at that it will be water weight! Remember people lose weight on other plans where they're consuming upto 1500 calories. As long as we have a calorie deficit overall we'll experience a loss. It's always different though making the initial switch from vlcd to even having a little amount of food.

Your head is in the right place and considering you are still dealing with pain and recovering for surgery I'd say you are doing amazingly well. It must be frustrating not feeling well and I know that can descend into a depressive state for most of us.

Habg in there and visit here to keep you distracted if you feel up to it.x

 

[Kira]

Whoops! I meant hang in there!

 

[Blonde Logic]

Nail on the head Kira - I have been feeling my depression falring up alot - particularly earlier today. I realise I have been so diligent in all my medications following surgery that I have got a bit slack taking my anti-d's - so on top of that now. I only missed a day or two in the past 2 weeks, but that is the last thing I need - is depression coming back. It is depressing enough just dealing with the pain. You are very correct. xxx Thanks for your support of psitive vibes. I helps. xx

 

[Kira]

Morning BL hope today is a better day pain wise. Think positive and dont let that "down" feeling descend to depression fight it it you can! Rememebr how happy you were feeling only 3 weeks ago, your big declutter the lovely new pots/bakeware etc for you kitchen?! Your jewellery making?! Think of that again!


Will,catch up on return from London early next week! X

 

[MinnieMel]

Afternoon BL-

I hope things are improving. I feel so dreadful about your post-surgery problems. My neighbor had a similar operation, but she seemed to breeze through it. Did the consultant seem to think your pain was unusual?

Kira's advice is sound -- once you are able to slack off on the pain meds -- getting back into your hobbies and interests will help.

 

[Blonde Logic]

Hi all,

I think I may have finally turned a corner - yesterday I started feeling better generally and the pain while using the loo has lessened to a much more tolerable level.

I did go back to see a surgeon Mel, and he was not overly concerned at that point about the pain I was having. I was told it is one of the ost painful surgical sites because the vast number of nerve endings. I believe it!!

The doctors when we first discussed the op said it would be an easy one. Hah! I think you are right though, for some they do breeze it. I did find a forum of discussion on the procedure and I would estimate about 75% of the contributors all had a far more severe reatcion then they were advised to expect as well, and that some also took weeks to recover. So that was a little reassuring.

I am scheduled to go back Monday, so that will be a real test.

Not sure how it will go - but I will give it my best shot.

xxx

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi BL -- it's good too now you're not alone. Must be like that cr@p doctors feed you on giving birth -- "You'll feel a little discomfort.." DISCOMFORT! Freaking agony.

 

[angie-bum]

Hi there didn't want to read and run, hoping today is finding you in less pain.

as for the over zealous manager I would also reitterate writing stuff down, contacting a union representative. Email yrself with notes (if emails are confidential) to show time/date sent to prove you didn't make notes up retrospectively.

hope things start to look up

 

[Blonde Logic]

LOL at birth being a little uncomfortable = not that I know first hand, but its nor rocket science is it!!! lol

Anyway - breif catch up - I have had a really rough week this past week - not just cause of the surgery, but my little dog Muffin, who we shipped over after mom died - she was her dog - she went completely blind last week - and it is so upsetting and traumatic for all of us - seeing her scared and confused is breaking my heart in two. I have had loads of advise and feel encouraged by many that she will adapt - but the process is heart breaking. That set my depression off again, so going back to wrok this morning was a little scary. I was really emotional and shaky - almost panic attacky. But I got through it.

And due to all the drugs, and surgery side effects, everything has tasted FOUL to me - and I had little to no apetite - not even for the real food - so fortunatly I had a nice reward on the scales tonight - 6 pounds gone. That cheered me a little bit.

I hope you are all well and happy and things are going well for you and you have been ennjoying the sunshine and warmth! Almost TOO warm, but lovely just the same.

xxx