Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

I've sent a PM to Slenda and will let you know if I hear anything.
 
I've sent a PM to Slenda and will let you know if I hear anything.

Thank you, Spanglymum.

I think it was SlendaBlenda that was her friend IRL. I think they attended the same LL Foundation Group - but my memory isn't the best.

It was - SlendaBlenda and I sent a PM to her. But, she has not been on Minis since 2011. However, I get email notices for PMs. So fingers crossed she does.
 
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Wow, I must have felt your thoughts in the ether.....I have not been here for months, and for some reason last night I had an urge to look, and found your really kind comments. Thanks so much everyone.

I had to sort of step back and take a break from life I think. After my Hemi surgery was so difficult to recover from, and the abusive 1-2 with that idiot manager at wrok the night before the surgery....and then losing Muffin....stress at work. It got a bit rough and I knew my head was not in the diet and I put most of what I had just lost on again. So I knew it was the wrong time to do the diet. And my body really was suffering on the diet - it was not very smart of me really.

So its been about 6-7 months now since I was here. A lot has happened. It hasn't been a very nice time, but its a lot to write about, so I will catch you up in dribs and drabs. I just wanted to at least say thank you so much for thinking of me and hello - and that hopefully now as the clouds are lifting, maybe I will make it here more often again.

<<hugs>> xx
 
Wow, I must have felt your thoughts in the ether.....I have not been here for months, and for some reason last night I had an urge to look, and found your really kind comments. Thanks so much everyone.

I had to sort of step back and take a break from life I think. After my Hemi surgery was so difficult to recover from, and the abusive 1-2 with that idiot manager at wrok the night before the surgery....and then losing Muffin....stress at work. It got a bit rough and I knew my head was not in the diet and I put most of what I had just lost on again. So I knew it was the wrong time to do the diet. And my body really was suffering on the diet - it was not very smart of me really.

So its been about 6-7 months now since I was here. A lot has happened. It hasn't been a very nice time, but its a lot to write about, so I will catch you up in dribs and drabs. I just wanted to at least say thank you so much for thinking of me and hello - and that hopefully now as the clouds are lifting, maybe I will make it here more often again.

<<hugs>> xx

Hi BL -

So glad to read your post - not glad that you've been through a rough time. Please remember we're here for you. (((((HUGS)))))
 
Hi, Blonde! So so good to hear from you, although I am sorry things have been difficult. It will be great to catch up with you again on here when you feel the time is right. You are in my thoughts. Be kind to yourself xx
 
Hi there. I had to look back to see where I was when I dropped off the radar. I see I had just lost our little Muffin - and I had been dealing with the Boss From Hell - a misogynistic pratt, and had stopped the diet because of the effects of it on my recovery following my surgery.

So - to try and catch you up to date....

My boss from hell was sacked finally, but not before there was much investigation - I had to be interviewed by HR - he was suspended while the investigation went on and he was finally sacked. THANK GOD. But things at work got much much worse, which I will get too.

Things at work were bad - my surgery was bad - I wasn;t dieting well - I was just sort of falling in to depression again, and I put back on all the weight I had just lost - AGAIN. So I was quite down.

I began to feel really homesick - I felt I had no one here that understood me, etc., and just longed for my friends.

Missing Muffin, I was excited to learn a friend had adopted a dog from a rescue in Bulgaria. I had a look at his picture and he was a cute dog, I was really happy for her. When I got home that night I wanted to look at his picture again - so I went to the site. I was just looking at all the dogs - not considering any as we had recently lost our Muffin. but I came across a silly little girls photo and she seemed to have quite a story so I read it. Fatal error. As soon as I read it, I knew in my heart I had to have her. It was a done deal. She was a street dog who had been horrible abused - had been hit by a car and went to the woods and chewed off her own injured back leg as there was no one to care for her. Then, someone deliberatly broke her front leg. She was found dragging herself around as she could not walk. The rescue took her, and had her broken leg repaired as best as they could - it required fusion as the damage was so sever. When I read all this, and the horrors that go on in Eastern Europe with street dogs - I knew I had to have her as it was the only way I knew she would never be hurt again. So we adopted her. To make her journey and new life easier on her, we brought her best friend along too. So Lucy came to us and she brought Freya. They have been a delight and joy and one of the best things we have ever done.

But i was still sad. Things were not right and I could not stick to the diet. I knew I needed to go home - and reconnect with my brother - we had been drifting dinvr moms death. And I missed my best friends who had also both lost their mothers recently.

So in February I put in a request at work for an additional 5 days leave so I could go for 3 weeks - thus allowing me to properly see and connect with those I love and miss deseprately - you just cannot do it in 2 weeks.

Long story short - my boss is a total ***** and refused it for no good reason. It was the quietest time of the year - no one else was off - there was no reason to decline it other then she weilds her power and has a stone heart. I challenged her, and was told to see if other dates worked. I tried a second request with a heartfelt letter stating why it was so important to me - that it meant the world to me - and I was depserately depressed and home sick and losing what was left of my family.

She declined this one too.

I was extremely upset - and it was obvious. I was in tears for 2 days. I responded and told her how upset I was and how I could not accept her reasons as they did not make sense.

I was then slapped with an invitation to a disciplinary hearing for insubordination and being insolent.

I then heard from my other brother who is homeless, and was living in the philipines at the time of the big storm - I did not know if he was dead or alive. He contacted me and said he had been attacked and had brain damage and was stuck in there. When I said I could not help him (tough love after a HISTORY of this sort of thing happening) he got very nasty and vile and made some horrible comments about moms death - and suddenly my love for him died. (This has been coming for a lifetime.) So I disowned him. It was a very sad time.

I went to the disciplinary hearing and I won. No action was taken. I emailed my 2 friends who I THOUGHT were friends and were supporting me - and said "I won :) " and that is all.

They dropped me in it by sharing everything I had said to them privately as well as this email and a lot of other things.

I went home and had a bit of a breakdown - I have been bullied by this organisation since day one - 5 years - and I finally reached the point I could not cope. So while I was signed off, I quit my job. I was very sick - constantly felt like I was having a heart attack - difficult breathing, etc. No sleep. Tearful - felt betrayed and stabbed in the back - it was awful.

That went on from February until April!

So - NOW - I am free from that toxic snakepit - I have a new job as a Charity Fundraiser - I love it so far - I no longer have toxic people in my life sticking a knife in my back - lying to me, etc. - I have my lovely dogs - I am going home for 3 weeks in October - and I have lost I think 4 stone and am about 30-40 pounds from where I was when I completed LL the first time.

So - phew - its a mouthful but that's the short version. Its been nasty and vicious and bitter and mean - I have never in my life encountered the treatment I received from my employers and colleagues in my entire career - and we are now speaking with my union about constructive dismissal.

So - now - picking up the pieces - I am beginning to feel better than I have felt in years.

So that is my abridged life update.

How are all of you??? Who is still here - and whats new? :)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Afternoon BL,

I'm so very glad this has a happy ending (and I gather things are still working with your husband). It's god to know who your friends are . . . and karma is a b!tch. Their disloyal behavior will bite them in the A$$ one day. I'm sorry about your brother, but his reaction when you were unable to "aide and abet" him in his destructive behavior shows that he is toxic. It's sad -but there are people we have to protect ourselves from . . . Even when we want to love them.

If you can . . . post some photos of your rescue pups!

You should be looking (and I hope) feeling good when you go home for a visit.

Are you following a VLCD to lose the weight? If so, which one.

And, have you recovered from your surgery?
 
As Mel said it's great that your journey through hell (it's the only way I can describe it) has ended and on positive and happy note with the dogs and the new job. Though imagine there may well be stresses going forward too with any constructive dismissal case but hopefully nothing you can't handle BL.

And as ever, how inspirational that you have managed to lose weight whilst going through all this:) I am sure you will lose the remaining bit too and hopefully an easier journey. I really admire you for taking in those dogs, you really are a softy ;)

I must add BL on the brother and friends that you have done the right thing to take them out of your life. That takes a lot of courage, especially with blood relatives. In respect of friends, especially "friends" at work I think one always has to be extremely careful with such friendships as when such "friends" are interviewed in a work situation they will generally always protect themselves, their jobs and their relationship with line managers and the employer. So in your new role be friendly but be guarded about certain things you share with work friends.

Hope you will post pics and new on the doggies. It's lovely to read you are in a more positive and happy place than before. X
 
Thank you. It was really painful to shut the door on my brother - but it has been a long time (years) coming. I just always held out hope for him - I idolised him when I was a kid - and never got anything in return from him. I have had his back his entire life when no one else did. He took and took and took from my parents his entire life. He has never EVER held down a job - they bailed him out of everything. He must have made my mothers life a living hell in her later years for all the worry he caused and the constant sponging off of her - he never even visited her in the hospital when she lay dying because he didn;t have a car - there are buses - there are trains - there is hitchiking - disgusting. And he did not come to her funeral. So - his latest attempt to guilt me into supporting him - and then telling me I was evil because I would not and blaming me for mos death- well - that was the last straw - I had to close that door because he was making me ill with worry, hurt and disgust. No more.

It feels wonderful to be regaining control of my life. Work was so awful and the last weeks horrendous until I finally had no choice to leave for my health. I was constantly feeling like I was having a heart attack... my trust was shattered and my friendship betrayed. It took a lot out of me, but now - now being away from that toxic snake pit - looking back, I can only imagine I was able to stay so long because I was in such a dismal state after moms accident and death, that I did not see what was happening - and by the end, they had broken me. I feel SO much better already - best I have felt in the 4 years since everything fell apart - and I am so glad to be away from those vile people - life has new meaning.

And now, being successull at FINALLY shedding the weight I regained after moms death - well - I really feel in control again and can hopefully now finally put the horrible past years behind me once and for all. I can;t believe I only have about 30 pounds to go - I never thught I would get here again. Its been a bloody hard road - and its meant I have been eating bloody packs in one form or another, now well over a year - I feel relieved to be leaving it all behind now. :)

And here are some photos of my lovely rescue family who are the light of my life - who helped me so much - and I adore beyond words. Lucy is the Terrier, Freya the blonde, and Bruce the cat. :)


Girls (14).jpglucy frame.jpgfreya3.jpgfreya2.jpgBruce (4).jpglucy smile 2.jpg
 
Ahhh BL,

They are a lovey crew. So, sweet. Thanks for sharing the photos. I can't wait to see a goal photo of you rocking those knee boots.
 
AWh! they are so cute! And you are amazing! Enjoy the weekend rain or shine (given the weather forecasts for the weekend across the country!) x 30lbs probably doesn't much on you as you are tall And I am sure you will have that gone in no time especially with double doggy walking!
 
Morning B. I did well on slim and save and got very close to goal last year and maintained at around 9st for most of the year. It I've struggled since Feb and been on and off vlcd and gained a few more pounds which I'm struggling with. No reason and just self sabotaging myself along the way here and there (like last night!) it seems to be a weekly occurrence!

i need to get on with it as I have three weddings over the summer, two Indian one which include pre wedding parties so that's 4 outfits and one English for which I'll only need one outfit. I have to get my act together :) the thing is I actually like the SnS products!

hope sun it out for you it's a beautiful day here after the rain yesterday. Makes such a difference. X
 
Morning B,

I'm always half-hearted trying to get back to goal (only accomplished when I did LL). I've been back to a BMI of 25 with Cambridge - and dropped a stone on my own with S & S, but what I'm really doing is just managing to stay in the overweight zone (barely). I really need to suck it up and do things right - and get it off.

So, to answer your question - I'm doing much better with fitness, and using S & S as meal replacements for some (not all meals), watching carbs, no alcohol, trying to avoid sugar and chocolate - but it's not been enough to lose much.
 
Hi, Blonde. What a year! Sounds like you have really been through the mill, one way and another. I am so pleased to hear you have a new job that you love. Work takes up so much of our lives and it's dreadful what a bad working environment can do to your health (I know whereof I speak!)

I'm very envious of your dogs. We would love to get a dog again (had one for about six months but he pulled DH off his mobility scooter as he used to get very overexcited around small dogs, so he had to go back to the rescue. That was a very sad day) but need to wait for the right one to come along. I miss having pets.

You're doing so well to have got back to 30lb left to go. I have much more to lose at the moment, but after two full weeks 100% on LL again, I'm beginning to believe I will get back there again this year. It's bloomin' tough at times though, sometimes!!

So good to hear from you again xxx
 
Hello Blonde Logic!
I too have been away for a while, I used to post as Peony on the lighter life boards, I have slowly regained almost all of what I lost and and making a fresh start :) Mostly I can't believe it has been 5 years since I started VLCD the first time round! I think I invested too much in losing the weight and didn't give nearly enough consideration to how I would keeo it off, something I am resolved to change this time round! I left the boards around the time your lovely mum passed. Really, you have been through a lot since then and it has been so bittersweet to catch up on your diary and comings and goings this morning. Bittersweet as it has been lovely catching up but so sad to read hwo much you've been through but here you are in a good headspace and making things work for you again in the weight stakes and at work and of course with your lovely rescue dogs!
Reading through this morning, so much you have said over the last few years has really chimed with me:

"The hardest thing I learned is that while success has been proven, and tasted, and LOVED, - hanging on to it is such a difficult and delicate balancing act - and held together only by the sheerest and most fragile vulnerable threads....which can break in and instant and become irrepairable, leaving the only option: go back to square one. The place you swore you would never go again. "

You have put that so beautifully, it is utterly, utterly true but it is only now in hindsight that I realise it.

"
I was just so sick of the lifelong focus on weight....I just couldn't face it. I am so BORED with talking about weight. About being fat. About being slim. Abut how may calories is this? How many grams of fat in that? I fell fat today? I miss feeling slim? I willl never be slim again. I can't live being fat. And on and on and on ad finitum. I'm just sick of it. My entire life spent with these thoughts in my head - I am 53, and since about age 8 or 10 - that has been something on my mind probably every single day of my life. It's defined me. "

This was very much behind my own dropping off the boards -

"
Most of my weight gain in life, not all, but most was just from eating too much - portion size. But I never ate things like pork pies, deep fried food, etc. I just ate too much. But this has been full on binge mode where at times I scare myself and think "STOP!!!" - you CANNOT EAT like this!!. What HUMAN BEING does??? It freaked me right out. I could not get enough sugar in me - I was a woman possessed. It was like a drug."

Again BL, OMG you have put that so well. It is something I am at least aware of this time round - I couldn't believe it after I finished doing the VLCD and maintained with protein and salad for a little while, I just craved things I had never even cared for prior to starting down this path - cakes primarily - I am not a big cake fan now, and I wasn't before the diet, but for several years after finishing the diet I would just be fanatical about them. I m absoutely certain it is primeval and down to theat stupid desire our bodies have to hang on to every calorie going in case Tesco might be closed for more than - uh - 2 days in a year! It was as though my body wouldn't stop till I got back to fat me - Id read a lot about body set point theory the first time round but I underestimated just how perverse and strong the drive would be to get back to that squishy fat place! I am totally taking heed this time, and am spending more time trying to figure out the best maintenence strategies for me this time around.

Well there's me, it was so so lovely 'catching up' with you - and thank you again for being such an amazingly inspirational woman. xxx
 
What touching and poignant post If at First... I wish all the best in your weight loss journey this time and especially for the maintenance phase which seems to be the most difficult part of the "whole journey" for many of us.
 
Thank you Kira that is very kind x
 
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