Brain ache !- my diary !

[Gen]

nothing i can say either... just wanted to give you big massive hugs xxxxxxx

 

[boofaloo]

Oh honey. I've been there and it really hurts doesnt it. I dont think OHs can come close to understanding, I know my husband doesnt think too much if at all about the miscarriages I had.
Anyway a new start is what we need and I am right there with you tomorrow. You are so right with what you said about eating for comfort but then it bites you on the bum because it just makes you unhappy in the long term.
Lets do this together. 3 Weeks is enough time to shift a stone - just think of how great we'll feel. lets get through the bad days together. I'm rooting for you. Lots of hugs. xx

 

[Redpam]

i havn't been posting for a few days now, i havn't been in a place that i wanted to share my thoughts.
where i have been hasn't been nice.
last week i posted that i was feeling crap but didn't know why. In the early hours of Friday morning the penny dropped, it was Good Friday, but its not good for me.
Good Friday 9 years ago (April 10th) is the day i went to hospital to terminate my allready dead baby. I cope with this on my own every year cos my hubby won't remember. At the time he was no use, just saying these things happen. At the time we lived in Warrington, i was alone & isolated, there was no-one there for me & each year i suffer alone, i still remember just as painfully as if it was yesterday.
As i sit & type this there are tears running down my face.
to cope with this i have turned to my trusty friend, the one who is allways there for me, no matter what, she's called food.
in reality although she's allways there in actual fact she does me more harm than good, she makes my abuse myself & at the moment makes me hate myself.
over the years i have used food to cope with a life i havn't allways liked.
if i eat & become unatractive no-one will take any notice of me
if i eat & become unatractive my hubby won't pester me for sex
if i become fat i can just fade into the background.
i need to learn to like myself.
i need to accept that other people like me.
i need to learn to have respect for myself.
i need to learn to stop abusing myself with food.
i have spent the last 10 days abusing myself & it has to stop - NOW
i have come so far i don't want to go back.
it is now 3 1/2 weeks till i go on holiday & i havn't bought any summer clothes yet, i was hoping to be in a size 14 to go away, but i don't know if i will make that.
tommorow i need to get bak on track, it will be hard, puryly for the fact it is the 10th tommorrow, but i will do my damdest
xx

Cheryl I so feel for you although I have never lost a baby. The rest of your post could have been written by me. The only difference is that on Easter Monday (8th April) 11 years ago my darling Dad died and I still miss him like crazy now. I am in tears as I write this. Yes, yesterday I turned to my favourite friend - Food!!. It hardly helped that my 17 year old son had said to me on Saturday that he hated me more and more every day. Of course my friend food never says nasty things to me. Still must get back on track as I must get this weight thing beaten.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Take care.

Pam x

 

[pandora]

a massive thankx to you all that have posted my your support.
this morning i am still feeling very low. i have a headache, from crying, too much carbs & lack of water i suspect.
Yesterday hubby took Charlee to her first real football match, which they both enjoyed emensley (?) but didn't comment at all about my red eyes when he came in !
just drinking my first glass of water, not going to drink too much at the mo as going for my last wrap in an hour & i know on the first one i was desperate to pee half way thru
plowing on
xx

 

[boofaloo]

Good on you for picking yourself up and carrying on. Have a nice wrap and treat yourself to some lovely non food things. Sorry your DH didnt noticed you'd been upset - sounds like he needs a good talking to from boofaloo, let me at him- let me at him!!!

 

[Karen1972]

Oh darling i've only just caught up on your thread!! Don't know what to say but sending you lots of luv and hugs!!! Be kind to yourself, you're an amazing woman!!

 

[Summerskye]

Hi Cheryl

I just wanted to also send you lots of love and a big :hug99: ,honey. I just wish I lived closer as I would so love to spend a day shopping for summer clothes with you!

Be kind to yourself, try to avoid carbs as much as you can as they will just make you feel even more tired and emotional - and try to relax and enjoy your day as much as possible.

Lots of love

 

[wannabslim]

Hi Pandora,

Have just read this whole thread from start to finish, and I just want to send you big hugs, and all my support! Im from Wimborne, and have a similar BMI to you, if you ever fancy popping into town and going shopping together, send me a message and we'll do it together! Wishing you all the love in the world,

xxxx

 

[MadamDotty]

Hope you have a better day today Cheryl and enjoy your wrap.

Take care

Jan
xxx

 

[JEM]

Sending you lots of hugs xxx

 

[Eclipse]

Hi hun

Thinking about you and hope you're not in such a sad place at the moment.

You are a lovely, warm, loving person and I just wish I could do something to help - but I am so darn far away!

Keep your chin up love, and look forwards to the lovely summer and your upcoming holiday.

 

[IreneH]

You are in my thoughts and I do realise why you are feeling the way you are. And remember we are all here for you.
Irene xx

 

[Brightness]

Hi Pandora,

Firstly a great big :hug99: to you. I am so sorry that you have had to get through yet another anniversary on your own . I sometimes think that men are a completely alien species.

I know that you are feeling really down right now and understandably so but food isn't really your friend as when you eat you are going to gain and then feel even worse .

Have you actually made your hubby sit down and listen to you talk to him about your emotional state? I think he might be like a lot of men and just closes the door on something and compartmentalises it once it's over. My hubby is the same too and occasionally I have to give him a proverbial kick up the arris. Women are far more sensitive and need to be able to grieve properly over things and men need to learn to understand this.

Have you ever thought about contacting a support group such as the miscarriage association? The Miscarriage Association - introduction they offer support and counselling to women who have gone through miscarriages or SANDS SANDS Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society who offer support to parents of stillborn and neonatal death.

I really hope you feel better soon and make that hubby of yours know what is going on xxx

 

[westiegirl]

Hi Cheryl, just wanted to come over and give you a :hug99:.

Thinking of you today.

Much love

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Oh my friend... just got to your diary for the first time in a week (sorry - so wrapped up in my own crap that I was oblivious to your horrid situation) words are not sufficient... can't even begin to understand how you are feeling sweetheart.

you are greatly loved and are a wonderful wonderful person

much love

Jennie xxxx

 

[pandora]

once again a massive thank you to all of you who have taken the time to come here & check up on me, it really is greatly appreciated & i am humbled to think so many of you care.
well today didn't go as planned at all. As i was going for my wrap at 11.30 i didn't want to drink too much b4 i went (wee problem n all that ) so by time i came out, went to my mum's to collect Victoria, stopped for a coffee & chat & got home - about 2.30 - i was ravenous & i naturally ate .
tommorrow i will not try to SS, as a friend recently posted, trying allows for failure, so tommorrow i WILL get back on track.
whilst at my mum's she sorted out some clothes for me to borrow to go away with, some lovely shift dresses which will be just right for the evenings, & a couple of tankini's. All i need i need now is a few shorts n t-shirts for the day & i'm sorted, that will save a few pounds.
again thank you all
xx

 

[westiegirl]

tommorrow i will not try to SS, as a friend recently posted, trying allows for failure, so tommorrow i WILL get back on track.

Cheryl, PMA is everything. When you're low you just can't do this! The "trying" comment has stuck in my head since Thursday night and I've made myself do things to be organised and positive in order that I can do this.

I can't bear to just "try" at this anymore. Gotta get it done. You will too because you've come so far already, we just need to finish this journey once and for all!

 

[pandora]

only been up about 1/2 hour, but somehow i feel different today, i can't say in what way, but although i'm hungry my first thought wasn't food, but a glass of water.
i'm going to have a pack in a mo & the plan for the afternoon is school uniforms & a lovely walk down the river.
xx

 

[Karen1972]

Hey gorgeous girl

So glad you're on the mend, a walk by the river sounds lush!!

Take it easy on yourself girlfriend.

Lots of luv,

 

[pandora]

thanks karen xx
had our walk by the river, its so beautiful & peaceful down there, you really struggle to remember you are in the middle of a large noisy town when you are there. The girls & i have decided that it will be lovely to take a picnic & a ball there in the summer.
the weather today is so georgeous that its hard to be low for too long, its helping lift my spirits alot.
so far i've had a lush cappuccino shake & 1 litre water & lter will have a chicken salad - i'm doing AAM this week - partly cos i'm sure i'm due one, partly to ease myself back into plan, but mostly cos i'm doing split nights this week as its the hols & only getting about 4 hrs sleep, so if i do 3 packs & a meal i don't go so long without anything & this will lessen the chances of eating !
xx