Thank you kitty and forever.
Ms - I know it is hard....the voices, I have to deal with those too. It can be such an internal struggle. When I struggle, I just keep reminding myself of how far I have come and the reasons why I want to do this. I also tell myself that all the food I want will all still be there when I have finished this, if I still really want it. I have to admit when I have done vlcds before and I have eaten something, it never tasted as good as the thought of it in my head. The thing that really makes so much sense to me is when my consultant said this diet is like medicine, you have to take it until you get better. In my head I think if I eat I am messing around with the medicine, and it wont work. When I step on those scales, when I can wear something I haven't worn for so long it really is worth it to me. When I feel low I think, if I stop here where will it end? The weight wont magically drop off by itself, I never thought I would get to 20 stone but I did....the next thing would be 30 maybe 40 stone, unable to do anything, stuck in a bed, having to be cut out of my home...I don't want that. I watch those documentaries, I watch the documentaries about how people have lost weight, if possible I get in bed and try to sleep it off. Many times it would be so easy to just reach out and put that bit of food in my mouth, but it would be like going down a one way street to a bad place, it wont end well. This is going to be about 7 months out of my 30 years of life, that is hardly anything. Writing this diary helps. I am sick of normally being a hermit, feeling too terrible to go out anywhere, holding back on my life, I know if I stop this I wont even go to college in September. I want to start living, otherwise I may as well not even be here...I don't even feel like I want to meet anybody at the moment. This is for me. There have been so many of those embarrassing moments which should have given me a wake up call to do something. As drastic as this is, for me the thought of going to a slimming club and only losing 1 or 2lbs a week, I feel like it would take me forever, and to me feels disheartening and like I will never get there. I still have a voice now, trying to tell me I can't do this, to just eat and accept that fate, but I can't let it win anymore.
I always carry a couple of cambridge products with me, and a couple of cans of coke zero, and the dreaded bottle of water. If I have a really long or tough day I have an extra can of coke zero, for me it helps to take the edge off when everyone else is eating. It is my special treat to myself, because I deserve it for doing this, and if that is what it takes to get through it then so be it. Oh and I really don't recommend this to anyone else but because I smoke, I smoke more when I am tempted, and because I know it is a appetite suppressant.
I will be here and try to help if I can...how are the tablets going? Are you doing 1000kcal a day?