Deflating the Bouncy Castle

[shrinkin'violet]

I wanna get me a whoosh!

 

[egbert]

I see! Not sure I ever get a whoosh

Maybe you can write a list of all the things that are acceptable that you mentioned (cream tea once a month) and all the things that are not (binge drinking t home) and pin it to the fridge. Then when you feel an activity coming on, go check it against that big physical list of no no's and see if you feel it is allowed.

 

[bettiesrevenge]

The beck workbook is ace for that, because it has flashcards which remind you of the commitments - like no choice etc. The problem with both the beck workbook and 100 days is that they are both food and behaviour centric, in the way that they make you write down your plan and goals etc, or just talk about facing a food situation.

I truly believe that for all of us, it is exactly that we dont handle "food situations" well, and when we remove food perhaps there are other dysfuctions that take over where food left off (for me its smoking and spending) that is why CBT is so powerful as a recovery tool.

I dont want to sound dogmatic, but for a lot of us, that is what this is about...recovery. I was (still am) a sugar addict. I craved it, woke up to eat, slept with it, spoke about it....it was the main relationship I had, sugar never let me down, it always made me feel better (in the short term but then I needed more sugar) sugar made life sweeter - hell yeah!

Now I have come to realise, sugar is not my friend, it's not my healer - it's my enemy. I will never have a compatible relationship with sugar, we it's poisonous for me. So, thats what I am working on, what's my strategy when I come into the 12th step?

That's why I think diaries on here are invaluable, they offer peer support of people at all stages of their own journeys, who have tried and failed, who have just started, who are en route and who are just starting out on the long road of mantainancs.

I just re-read your whole diary (yes I am on another day off) and wow sister you are super inspirational, I just wanted to get that back in there. The challenges, the ups, the downs, the highs, the lows, the locus of control (IVF) is enough to get you through.

Go Team Spangles!

 

[sapphirestara]

egbert - a whoosh is when you've been retaining water and then you just drop it and have a really good loss that week. it just goes 'whoosh'!

Lol! Like a giant wee noise!!

 

[spangles]

I'll try to reserve judgement til i start therapy - but some of the cbt techniques seem a bit unlikely. when i binge, i know i shouldn't do it - i know it's too much and the wrong foods and entirely unhelpful and i'll regret it.... and that's kind of WHY i do it...! it's a kind of self-harming thing, i think, and a compulsion. and at the moment, when i try to get my consious mind to intervene it sends me into the most horrible panic. almost terror. What I hope that CBT can do is make those interventions feel more comfortable.

 

[spangles]

well i'm not very 'bouncy castle' at all right now. Just found out that one of my very best and closest friends is pregnant. i should be used to it by now: i'm 37 and for the last two years over a dozen of my mates have had kids, but for various reasons that i won't go into here at the risk of anyone who knows us identifying her - because minimins is a public place, and it's still very early and a big secret - i didn't imagine i had any concern that she'd be starting a family yet.

and she's overjoyed and obviously i am pleased for her, but i'm sitting here crying my eyes out, because you know what? turns out f*cking everyone gets a baby except me. and I know i'm doing all i can but it all seems so completely futile, because i'll be 38 soon - and then there's the waiting les for our one precious shot at ivf... but it takes most couples an average of three goes, and my husband doesn't think we should spend the money on it when the chances are so small. And I feel like i'm putting myself through all this b*llocks and the odds are all stacked against me, and then people who aren't even trying get knocked up at the drop of a hat, and TTC forums are full of people trying for oooooooh a whole eight months, and I hate feeling like such a b*tch about it, i hate myself for that but it's how i feel. and then people try to be lovely, and bless their hearts and tell you these f*cking stories about people they know who were waiting to have ivf and got knocked up anyway, and i feel like screaming at them because actually, the chances of me conceiving naturally are so slight as to be not worth counting, because i have fallopian tube damage, and f*cking doctors keep telling me it's most likely from an undiagnosed STI at some point in my life (and therefore YOUR FAULT YOU TART - implicit) when I never had sex without a condom till we started trying for this baby over two years ago.

oh god i feel so much rage about this whole f*cking thing, and it's so completely unfair.

I thought i had got past the worst, is the thing. For the first year and a half or so of 'infertility', i would regularly break down in tears about it - but recently, not... and i thought i was gradually coming to terms with the possibility of never being a mum... but it turns out not - because i'm sitting here, a howling snotty mess, so, so ashamed of my negativity.

but where else do i have to express it all?

sorry.

 

[Jayellekay]

Don't be sorry.

This is your diary - and as you say - where else can you write how you really feel?

I can't say anything that will help - I have no advice, and cannot even start to understand how you are feeling.

Being honest with yourself in your diary has to be a good start, right?
Cry until, you have no more tears left - then congratulation yourself that you did not turn to food in this time of sadness.

Sorry I have no wise words to share with you.

Hope you feel better soon.

 

[fattoslim]

Hey there I exactly know how you feel. Although I am not overweight or anything am just wanting to loose weight as I have put on weight over the year as have been travelling a lot.

I suffer from endometriosis and have been trying to conceive over 2 years now. I have had 2 laproscopy done and been on zoladex injection and HRT tablets and just on Friday I got my results and my FSH is really high. So I totally understand how you feel when every1 around you is able to get pregnant and not you.

I keep feeling I solve one issue and the next one comes along.

I can't even go for IVF due to my FSH levels so i am just trying to come to terms with it but it is difficult.

I am now being prescribed for more medication to reduce my FSH but I have no hope as feel after that will work I'll have another issue seems like a vicious cycle that keeps going on n on.

Be positive and hope for the best. I believe everything happens happens for a good reason and that's what keeps me going.

 

[Clear As yoghurt]

I have no words to help make you feel better but I wish I could give you a gentle hug right now. In some ways I understand every word you have wrote. I am thinking of you xxx

 

[shrinkin'violet]

I wish I could offer some comforting words sweet spangles but I just don't know what to say except I'm so sorry you're going through this. and I genuinely hope all your dreams come true.
Lots of love and hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[spangles]

thanks ladies.

so i took the only road of comfort i still have left to me, and i bought stuff.

firstly, i'm going to bangface - which is a silly techno/rave/club night - this chrsitmas. and because the music isn't the biggest sell for me, i needed something delightful to wear. so i have bought this frock (but not the hat):

which I shall wear with leggings and clompy boots, and my hair in high bunches.

then I realised i would need a shrug of some kind, because all my old ones are huge, and via shopstyle i found this from wallis:

which is nothing special, but will go with everything and will cope with being tied round my waist in a sweaty club. And then I realised that i hadn't seriously looked at wallis as a shopping entity for about ten years or more, and since they have 25% off all non sale stock today, i had a mooch, and happened to buy this, this and this:

and I have to say i did dither over the last one, because it was over £50, even after the discount... but it's too cute, and it might not suit me anyway, in which case i can take it back (but probably won't remember, tbh).

So that little tantrum cost me about £150. Ten times as expensive as a cake binge or a couple of bottles of wine, but won't actually make the baby situation any worse, which gaining weight would.

 

[Jayellekay]

I LOVE the pink one! Definitely worth it!!!!

 

[spangles]

you can't really see - the xmas frock is made of 'mock sequin' fabric like this:

 

[spangles]

I LOVE the pink one! Definitely worth it!!!!

yeah - it might look a bit too enormoboob... we'll see.

 

[shrinkin'violet]

Nice one love Love the pink dress, v cute indeedio I found out today im getting a tax rebate from 2005...... £1300 so im gonna do me some shopping tooooooo! Good choice re: non cakey treat xxxx

 

[spangles]

how fab - will you go while you're home for xmas? do you have good shops near your family?

 

[shrinkin'violet]

Well the fam is in the midlands, so yes we have bullring and am stopping with my bro for a few days in london so oodles of possibilities! but am i brave enough to brave it in the xmas/ny mentalness? Might have to do some interweb shopping! Bit tricksy because im really not sure what size i am these days?!

 

[spangles]

ooh - it will be insane. but i love westfield (it has a gorgeous corridor of designer exclusive loveliness). there's a new westfield in east london too.

i rarely visit shops, though. i do most of my stuff on the net, cos there's less of the frustration where they don't have your size.

 

[sapphirestara]

Where do we stand on shape wear lovelies? Where's best to purchase it from?



Sending lots of love spangles darling. Xx

 

[spangles]

markses is fine, or a department store. I think you have to try it on. I always find if I buy my actual size it's not tight enough to achieve anything - but you don't want to get too tight because then you get bulges..