Donkey's journey to deal with disordered eating and lose 6 stone!

[donkeysaurusrex]

I'm really not doing very well this week! I was starving when I woke up and nothing but stodge was going to satisfy it. I made a veg omelette and then grilled some sausages and added baked beans and it was lovely - only I don't even want to think about the number of syns in the sausages, even with as much of the fat out of them as the george foreman could muster! Then tonight I had a bit of a mental battle with myself over takeaway.

I was sooo close to ordering, soooooo close. I wasn't even really hungry or particularly in the mood for takeaway, it was just my binge/restrict voice getting on its pedestal I suppose. Reason won in the end thankfully though and there is veg roasting in the oven atm. Can't help but think it wouldn't have been so close if there was pepsi max in the cupboard because I could have just reached for that to quell the voice, but I haven't bought any more.

I thought about what would happen if I'd ordered. I knew I wanted sweet food, which isn't what it would have provided, so I would almost certainly have later ordered from the waffle place (huuuuge pizza size waffles with combinations of toppings that are amazing but incredibly bad for you!) afterwards. The sheer number of calories from those alone would probably be 2 days of normal eating. Then I'd feel bad, emotionally and physically. I'd feel unwell tomorrow and have problems finding the skirt I need to buy because I'd be bloated and feel self conscious and low. Then I'd get to Tuesday and, assuming I hadn't thrown it all away to 'make the most' of a bad week and not attended at all, I'd have absolutely 100% gained again. That's not the direction I want to go, especially not after a month off. And if I had bottled out of going to WI a cycle of last suppers would probably have started and I'd end up putting loads on and never getting back to sw.
That would be an utterly stupid decision to make.

So now there is veg in the oven and I'm going to down some water and watch tv or something, hoping this ridiculous self destructive streak which is having a tantrum inside me right now will zip it soon and sod off back to where it came from!

 

[Poppet12]

Wow donkey, that's a fascinating read! I can relate to a lot of that- though where you have thought things through, rationalised and are coping with the tantrum with roast veg I cave in and order pizza that I didn't even want or like.
You certainly have your heAd in the game xx

 

[timmieatimbo]

You're on this donkey. Just try not to be too harsh on yourself. Bear in mind you were prevented from eating the way you've come to know and love for about a month. It can be difficult to get back into "the zone" but it'll come. You're doing great and a phase of difficulty is normal. It's only a phase and you're doing so well rising above it. Sorry to hear your sleep isn't helping. I hope you get a better sleep tonight! Xx

 

[donkeysaurusrex]

Thanks guys Had to write it down to make myself more rational lol. Just as well I was good last night because today has been FULL of cake. I'm sure I'm going to have gained this week. Never mind. I had a really good sleep last night at least so I feel pretty good today. I bought a new fleecey onesie just now and it is suuuuuper comfortable. Shame work clothes aren't as easy to buy. Just had to order 2 skirts online in the hope they're ok because I can't find anything in the shops. And oh for the day that I finally drop a dress size! I hate buying clothes 3 sizes up from what I was in only a year ago!

 

[timmieatimbo]

Thanks guys Had to write it down to make myself more rational lol. Just as well I was good last night because today has been FULL of cake. I'm sure I'm going to have gained this week. Never mind. I had a really good sleep last night at least so I feel pretty good today. I bought a new fleecey onesie just now and it is suuuuuper comfortable. Shame work clothes aren't as easy to buy. Just had to order 2 skirts online in the hope they're ok because I can't find anything in the shops. And oh for the day that I finally drop a dress size! I hate buying clothes 3 sizes up from what I was in only a year ago!

Mmmm cake. What kind of cake is it? I'm suddenly craving it quite a lot! In eating some roasted vegetable soup instead.

Really please you had a good night's sleep! Sounded like it's been a while!

All I want to wear is onesies! Where is this one from?

Your time is coming to drop those dress sizes donkey. Don't you worry, it'll happen

 

[donkeysaurusrex]

Mmmm cake. What kind of cake is it? I'm suddenly craving it quite a lot! In eating some roasted vegetable soup instead.

Really please you had a good night's sleep! Sounded like it's been a while!

All I want to wear is onesies! Where is this one from?

Your time is coming to drop those dress sizes donkey. Don't you worry, it'll happen

Haha, well it was manor house fruit cake, family favourite so there is absolutely nothing left now lol. Also 2 jam doughnuts , so well done you on your soup lol.
Ohh it really was a good sleep. I held out until gone 10pm because regardless of how tired I am there is no way I sleep through the night if I go to bed before that. Lights out, fast asleep! Normally it takes ages. Annoyingly though I had the same problem last night and couldn't sleep until 5 but got up at 9 in the hopes of being exhausted enough to sleep tonight, although it will probably take another few days. I could however sleep all day every day! lol.

Ooh I have a range of onesies One I got from a company called big feet pjs, it's microfleece and has oversized feet. The others are New look, Primark (got an awesome kermit the frog onesie there) and yesterday's was from asda. Impulse purchase obviously lol but I don't want heating on in the evenings yet so they're really handy.

I have actually been clothes shopping today and I have just about dropped a size! Picked up a basic button up shirt yesterday and it's 2 sizes bigger than anything else I've bought today- partly because with buttons it obviously has to fit right otherwise it gapes but clearly the differences in sizes are ridiculous across shops. So now I have my blazer, skirts and dress to get me started as a work wardrobe and I feel better about myself for it. Hurrah!

Hope you're doing well?

 

[timmieatimbo]

Excellent news re the new wardrobe and lower dress size! So hold on, you got the job? How did I miss that?!

I'm ok, just a but stressed out with 7 days of 1:30-1:30, this masters, wedding drama and the fact that I only lost two thirds of a pound today. I'm hoping it's just because of TOTM and next week will be better!

So what do you have planned for the week ahead? Fingers crossed by the end of the week your sleep pattern will be ok again!

 

[donkeysaurusrex]

Excellent news re the new wardrobe and lower dress size! So hold on, you got the job? How did I miss that?!

I'm ok, just a but stressed out with 7 days of 1:30-1:30, this masters, wedding drama and the fact that I only lost two thirds of a pound today. I'm hoping it's just because of TOTM and next week will be better!

So what do you have planned for the week ahead? Fingers crossed by the end of the week your sleep pattern will be ok again!

Oh no you didn't miss anything, I just needed formal stuff because I had none!

Definitely blame totm, if there isn't an obvious reason for a poor loss it's pretty safe to put it down to that!
Hope things are a bit less stressful, wedding drama doesn't sound too good!

Well this week- I might go to Bristol for the weekend on Friday-yet to decide. Had a horrible interview today, it was so intimidating! Then when I got in I had a phone interview for a different job and they want to see me face to face in November. THEN the phone rang again and I have an interview Monday for a job is forgotten about. So at least things are moving!

Should have a good sleep tonight, woke up at 5am and have been out 3 times today, all over the city and back home in the rain lol.

Just about to get weighed - hoping I pulled things back enough to sts because this week wasn't exactly great food wise!

 

[timmieatimbo]

Ooo all the best for weigh in! Regardless of the number, you're great at this and you'll succeed

Wow you're a lady in demand re employment! Woohoo!

 

[donkeysaurusrex]

Hurrahhhh I lost a pound

Nice class tonight too, slightly smaller than usual because of the grim weather I guess. I posted on our group's fb page about nearly deciding to not go tonight because I'd had a bad week but deciding it was far better for my overall journey to make sure I got in to keep on track, and our consultant made such a fuss over me for it . It is a really nice group. Our consultant does 2 classes on Monday and 2 on Tuesday but is adding an earlier one from Tuesday next week so I'm definitely going to that! Less time to have to worry about not drinking enough water to prevent migraines etc before class. I can easily refrain from food but I drink maybe 5 litres of water minimum each day and really start to feel the effects of not drinking it consistently on WI day.

Feeling sleepy now, but that nice kind of sleepy, not the omg I might drop right where I'm standing type. It's definitely onesie time!

 

[donkeysaurusrex]

Ooo all the best for weigh in! Regardless of the number, you're great at this and you'll succeed

Wow you're a lady in demand re employment! Woohoo!

Thanks, I'm pleased with the results tonight! You're so sweet though, you're doing pretty amazingly yourself ya know!
Yeah it's bizarre! I've only had retail jobs before, what with uni and stuff, so today's was scary - 2 people interviewing me, written tasks etc, all in the biggest room I've ever seen full of thousands of people at computers and a mezzanine level with hundreds more! Honestly I'm not sure that I want to work there but we'll see what happens - it's good to know that I am getting interviews at least because I know lots of people struggle getting anywhere at all.

 

[Poppet12]

Well done on the loss donkey! X

 

[timmieatimbo]

Donkey, you did it!! Yaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy! That pound is gone gone gone and many more are gonna follow suit

 

[donkeysaurusrex]

Well done on the loss donkey! X

Donkey, you did it!! Yaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy! That pound is gone gone gone and many more are gonna follow suit

Thanks guys Really pleased and I'm super happy that I'm this pleased because it's such a turn around from my thinking pre sw. I would have considered myself an absolute failure before this!

 

[donkeysaurusrex]

Last night I realised that they'd been writing my actual weight in my book for a while now rather than just the change and while it's obviously not where I want to be, I'm pretty ok with it! I can see myself losing 10 pounds to get into the next stone bracket, and being in that bracket (even though it's still significantly higher than the weight that used to trigger a fast cycle) will make me very very happy! I'm going to get into it for christmas And then once I've dropped into the next bracket I feel like I'm on the home straight. Hurrah!

In other news, I got a call from the company I interviewed at and I actually blushed on the phone at the feedback I got, it was really good. They want me but in a higher position than I interviewed for so I'm going to meet that manager tomorrow for a chat, but looks like I've got a job! Hurrah! Still terrified about it because the place is huuuuge, open plan offices with a mezzanine level where I'll be, hundreds if not a thousand people in there I'm sure - it was pretty intimidating.I really have no experience in this kind of thing and the job description makes me panic a bit but I'm telling myself that descriptions and titles always sound grander than they are, so hopefully I'll be ok.

Bought a dragon fruit at sainsburys yesterday because I couldn't resist the pretty pinkness. Not too sure about the taste though but at least I'm trying new things!

 

[Poppet12]

Congratulations on the job front! Fantastic- apply for one role and come out with an even better one it sounds a little daunting but I'm sure you'll be fab.
Sounds like sw have got into your brain too! It's such a good plan- I'm glad you aren't freaking at the numbers, you're doing brilliantly xx

 

[timmieatimbo]

Excellent news, super pleased for you!

Very intrigued by the dragon fruit...

 

[donkeysaurusrex]

Thanks Rosie and Timmi

Dragon fruit was underwhelming but looked pretty at least. I just munched a whole mango down, I'm sticking to the things I know taste good now! Had beans on toast, tomatoes and quorn sausages as brunch today, it was pretty good. Need to go shopping though, my fridge looks bare.

Internal resourcing should be phoning me tomorrow to discuss my contract etc. I had a meeting with a manager on Friday to explain the role a bit more and it's definitely a higher position than I applied for and very fast paced but I think I should be able to do it. It's a matter of confidence I'm sure. Been shopping online, taking advantage of Dorothy Perkins' 25% off sale and buying work clothes. It's so annoying, I'm not far from being a size down from where I am but I have to buy things that fit properly. Hopefully they will last me for quite a while, I really don't want to be spending my parents' money on things I won't get use from - they are helping so much but I feel kind of guilty.

Had a really long phone conversation with my Mum today, Dad is having surgery and it's taking a very long time for some reason. My sister has invited herself down to stay today too, which is just bizarre given that he is in hospital and she is just visiting to see my brother's kids to give them birthday presents. It hasn't gone down well with my mum. Stressful situations tend to bring old issues out and to a head, so I'm hoping everything stays peaceful tonight.

Hope everyone enjoyed their extra hour in bed - I was on the phone until 3 but thanks to the change it was 2am when the call finished, which made me feel marginally better about the 3 hour 6 minute phone call lol.

 

[Poppet12]

Hope all is well with your dad & the rest of the family! Worry/stress rarely brings the best out in people unfortunately :-(
I didn't realise DP were having a sale, thanks! I'm looking for a new winter coat!
Your job sounds exciting, what exactly will it be doing? And do you know when you are starting?
I don't think I've ever tried a dragon fruit- or a piece of actual mango for that matter- I must be more adventurous lol. Can you compare it to anything? Xx

 

[donkeysaurusrex]

Hope all is well with your dad & the rest of the family! Worry/stress rarely brings the best out in people unfortunately :-(
I didn't realise DP were having a sale, thanks! I'm looking for a new winter coat!
Your job sounds exciting, what exactly will it be doing? And do you know when you are starting?
I don't think I've ever tried a dragon fruit- or a piece of actual mango for that matter- I must be more adventurous lol. Can you compare it to anything? Xx

Ooh well have a look quickly because it ends tonight! I got a lot of new stuff in it, including a coat. It's a really good sale, 25% off everything, so I took full advantage!
I'm not 100% sure on what I'll be doing exactly because it's a big operation, the company is all over the country in all kinds of sectors but this part deals with bespoke training courses for the civil service. So an organisation will go to them with requirements for a type of training and they sort out everything including outsourcing, content, online portals, venues, numbers and so on. My title is project coordinator so apparently I'll be overseeing about 20 cases at a time. There was a hell of a lot of information to take in and it sounded far more complex than what I described so I think it might be a case of just getting into it and finding it all out.
I could be starting Tuesday but I have a medical assessment on Wednesday that I've been waiting for for 9 months (strangely enough it's being carried out by the company I'm joining, they seem to be in every sector lol) and they are aware of it so I might start Thursday instead. Would be quite nice if it's Thursday, very gentle start!

Don't bother with dragon fruit, the taste was just very meh. Mango though is quite sweet and fleshy when ripe, maybe somewhere between nectarines and pineapple. Quite difficult to describe. It's nice though, quite refreshing.