Evilpenguin's food diary

[evilpenguin]

Argh I keep hitting send too quickly, stupid fecking phone!!!!!!!

As I was trying to say...



Thanks for stopping by smartie

Lost 2.5lbs this week, dunno how but it was probably all the working & walking around that done it.

Haven't really eaten anything healthy, had pizza for dinner most nights and a few bars of chocolate over the week.

I want to get back on track, but I actually have no motivation or enthusiasm. I wasn't even excited about starting uni yesterday was fed up by my second lecture.

I just dont care about anything anymore. Been thinking about going to the doctor but feel so stupid.

I dunno how to snap myself out of this. Whats making me worse is knowing that I will have no social life or even time off for myself until next year, probably Easter time. So whenever I have a moment of happiness its ruined by that thought!!

Home life sucks, work life sucks, my relationship is a mess, I can't stick to a diet and on top of that I now have to worry about studying. I feel like I need to cut one of these problems out. But, we can't get our own place yet, I can't quit my job, we aren't going to break up but cant seem to fix our problems, and I'm definitely not quitting uni. So I'm stuck :-/

So confused

I dont want to feel like this anymore

 

[icklerockchick]

Sorry to hear that love - maybe best speaking to the doctor and see if there's anything they can do for you.

Never feel like its silly I know it can all just get too much sometimes and admitting you need some help doesn't make you weak. X

 

[evilpenguin]

Sorry to hear that love - maybe best speaking to the doctor and see if there's anything they can do for you.

Never feel like its silly I know it can all just get too much sometimes and admitting you need some help doesn't make you weak. X

Thanks chick. I know I should go and talk to my gp but I don't even have the time to do it I was supposed to be going for cbt but the date of my first appointment clashed with my work start date and when I told my work that I had something planned they weren't able to get me in any other time that day so I had to cancel the appointment. When I spoke with the doctor I told her I'd rearrange once I knew my shifts but because we only know a week ahead it was impossible to plan the appointment

So now that I have my timetable and uni's started, I know that I have 1 day a week that I can plan things in for but I also have to study that day too because I'm giving my weekends to my work.. so I have to have a life, work, study and do all the other 'life' things like laundry & shopping & doctor things in 1 day, not gonna happen.

My work were on at me about telling them my hours once I'd got my timetable but I don't want them to get my day off I know it sounds so silly and childish but it's the only day I will have to do anything because my uni hours are ridiculous. Monday is 10 til 6, Tuesday I only have one class but I found out yesterday that it will be a quiz class, meaning I have to study the Friday lecture work to be quizzed about it on a Tuesday - with what time??!?! So I figured I would use my Tuesday morning to do that, because Monday nights are out of the window - I don't get in til 7pm and need to eat, shower, do laundry and sleep once I'm home... Then off on a Weds but want to study that day seeing as the rest of my week is screwed. Then 10 - 5 Thursday and 10 - 4 on Friday.. so when am I supposed to work during the week? 6 til 8 on a Thursday - but I have Maths lectures to work on for the Friday morning class! Or Friday night 5 til 8? When am I supposed to have a weekend or spend time with my bf to fix our mess of a relationship??!! :cry:

Aaaarghhhh!!

I'm sure there is a pretty easy way of fitting all of this in but I can't figure it out. I bought an academic planner thing yesterday so today I'm going to write in my timetable and figure out a study timetable with the hours I have left. Showering, eating, going out to do nice things and GP appointments will have priority over work when it comes to my 'free' time. Is that bad? Why do I feel so guilty about wanting to study and enjoy my time at uni?????

My friend is also struggling to fit her studying and life into the week and she only works 1 day a week, the day off, meaning even with an entire weekend to study she is still worried about how to fit it all in

I feel screwed. The learning materials for Friday's lecture is 86 pages long and the slides are about 40 pages.. rofl.. oh god. That's just 1 weeks worth of work! The next lecture stuff is the same amount of pages and on a completely different topic. All to be quizzed on at the following class on a Tuesday..... :cry:so each weekend I need to study 86 pages of info to learn it all for the Tuesday whilst working my arse off all weekend.

Sorry this a long post but I have no one to talk to about anything. I have already depressed my friend about this, so I cant exactly call her up for another depressing conversation

Just googled how many hours of studying I should do, apparently 2 hours for every 1 hour of lecture. Yep, totally screwed here!

 

[icklerockchick]

As you say it's all about prioritising your time - I agree you should keep the midweek day as a day off work. As for studying i can't say I did anywhere near as much as 2 hours per hour of lecture when I was at uni I did a couple hours a week at absolute maximum aside from exam/ dissertation time.

If you are naturally a worrier, some people are they just worry a lot more then you may be tempted to study way too much and get yourself even more stressed about it.

Ideas might be - heading to uni an extra hour early/ stay an extra later each day will be 4 hours of studying a week which will mean can use your time at home for more relaxing things - also less distractions there than there would be at home do you will get more work done.

Get yourself along to the doctor as soon as you can - even talking to someone about it can be a big help! Did you say you went on a course before? (like I did a stress control class recently) if so look out the materials if you have them or check online I know Glasgow steps program have a website where you can access stuff on how to help.

I worked every single weekend and at least one weekday when I was at uni - and yes it is harder than those that are in the lucky position of not having to work but it just means you learn to manage your time more efficiently which is an important life skill anyway! Unless you work mega long shifts (and even if you do I usually did 10hour shifts at weekends) you WILL still have time to do other life stuff and some studying at weekends.

It's just a bit of planning required - and infact eating healthier will save you time if you do it properly by batch cooking etc. it all feels so daunting and impossible but it's just about changing your routine and once you get into it you will be fine. Literally an hour maximum on your day off or even a morning/night after/before you go to work and that can be your lunches and dinners sorted for the week!! And once you have a couple spares in the freezer you can built up a bigger variety of healthy ready meals. Or for sandwichy things just spend 2 minutes the night before preparing your lunch and then no need to spend unnecessary money/ more calories picking up food on the go.

Can't pretend it's easy but if you want to change your life around the only person who can do that is you. Creating the good habits is hard but once you get into it you will be eating better, losing weight, have time for things and be less stressed. By not doing it all that happens is you feel shittier and bet yourself up about it - it's a vicious cycle but I have every faith that you can break it xx

 

[evilpenguin]

Thanks chick, your reply was like a virtual hug! I know I can do this if I just stop worrying about it. I'm not really a worrier, I'm usually pretty laid back. I think because I've given up a lot to go to uni I feel extra pressure to do well. And because this summer has basically been nonstop work I've been pretty angry and fed up with things, so its all come to a head and I'm freaking out

I devised a study/life/work timetable that gives me 9 hours study time per week and extra at the weekend depending on work ( I would prefer 4hr shifts but I doubt I'll get those every weekend I will be expected to do more when needed). I'm going to ask for weekends only for the next few weeks so that I can assess the workload from uni and it might turn out that I don't need to study on a Tues morning and can work a few hours before class, who knows?! Or I could end up needing extra time and asking for less hours at weekends which wouldn't go down too well I dont think :-/

I am going to call my gp to arrange an appointment because I need help or at least reassurance from her that I'm not going crazy. As well as feeling stressed out in general, I've been really low and have had serious moodswings. I go from being totally calm to "omfg I'm going to punch someone in the face" raging in seconds, I've been taking things the wrong way a lot too :-S and because of my previous depression that led me to leaving school early I've been worried sick about it happening again and causing me to fail uni so before I worry myself sick I need to see my doctor!

I don't have my stress class stuff anymore, it got binned when I moved, but I know the website you're on about and still have a lot of relaxation audio books which I will use! They helped a lot actually but when my iPhone died I didn't transfer the files to my new phone so need to get that done! It will beat listening to my bfs audiobooks every night!

I'm gonna get back on the calorie counting next week. We have no plans or ideas for meals so having very random dinners just now. I had noodles tonight, katsu curry last night and tomorrow is ready meal light choices risotto! So will plan out meals and do a shop on Sat night or Sunday and then start healthy eating on Monday

I'm trying to stay positive and not think about things that freak me out - like the 2 hour psychology lecture that made no sense - and instead think about how to figure the nonsense out during study time on Monday, which is a day off because of the bank holiday!! (Then hope to frick that I've not been rota'd in that day... Then realise I need to think positively so forget I thought about work....)

Anyway I think I've posted another novel so I'll shut up!

 

[icklerockchick]

Sounds like lots of good plans to get life under control again

Glad you are getting to the docs - I know people often feel like their problems are silly and not worth bothering the doctor about (I tried to ignore my feelings for months and it just makes them worse) but when it's affecting you life and mood do much it's defo something that needs action! Xx

 

[ILoveCake]

Yay on starting uni, don't let them scare you. The most I did in uni was summarizing my days notes into a shorter more bitesized chunk in prep for exams and coursework. I had a baby at the end of year 1 and I did have to proioritise my butt off but it is very doable.

You can do this it will be easier once you are in the flow of things.

And well done on your weight loss!

 

[evilpenguin]

Thanks cake!

Been dying since Weds with a bloody cold still dragged myself into uni yesterday though and again today. Typical of me to get ill in the first week, happened last year at college too!

Bit weird, yesterday I was going to call my gp but in the morning I received a letter from the psychology therapy nurse asking me to arrange my initial appointment! I thought they'd have struck me off already. So called at 9 but because of my situation (only having 1 free day a week) theyre going to get the doctor to call me back to arrange it rather than just making it themselves and sending me the confirmation letter. So hopefully that'll be arranged soon.

Too ill to type anymore. Need to go get ready for uni. Uughhhh ill!!!

 

[evilpenguin]

Back on calorie counting today! Had cereal for breakfast thinking I was being healthy and its about 400 cals a bowl! Pfft!! I won't be doing that again!

 

[ILoveCake]

Back on calorie counting today! Had cereal for breakfast thinking I was being healthy and its about 400 cals a bowl! Pfft!! I won't be doing that again!

It's scary looking at calories in cereal. Even some of the healthy cereals are loaded with cals. Have a good week. X

 

[evilpenguin]

Third time trying to post this and actually fed up with it now. Should have the internet back (finally!!!!) next month and will be able to use the actual website to post rather than this bloody phone which decides to lose signal the second I press send and makes me lose my post and have to rewrite it

Basically said I haven't had a good week, still run down with the cold, but felt a little better today so it was another restart with calorie counting. Weighed in yesterday with a 3lb gain so hoping to make a dent in that next week!! Not going back up to 19 stone and not letting myself fall back off plan again.

Gonna write up a meal plan tonight (something I've not done in ages) and hit the shops later on once the bf has got his arse dressed! ( He's caught my cold and been lazing around all day so still in pjs ffs!)

I am trying to pull myself out of this misery, honestly. Its bloody hard My therapy appointment is arranged but its not til November hmph.

Still havent put my relaxation tapes on my phone so will need to do that, will do it tonight!

 

[icklerockchick]

Glad you have an appointment sorted and good plan with the relaxation tapes.

I have had some very exciting developments while you have been away :-D x

 

[evilpenguin]

Glad you have an appointment sorted and good plan with the relaxation tapes.

I have had some very exciting developments while you have been away :-D x

Oooh do tell !!

 

[icklerockchick]

Got to target AND looks like within 2months I should have a house and mortgage :-D :-D :-D x

 

[evilpenguin]

Got to target AND looks like within 2months I should have a house and mortgage :-D :-D :-D x

Woooo!!!!! Well done! Those are both amazing !!!!!

So what treats did you get yourself for reaching target?!

And wheres the house? Will you be moving far?

Xxx

 

[icklerockchick]

It's only about 5mins drive from where I am now so slightly further from town but not by much

Super excited as its went from being a possibility to almost reality - home report getting done next week and then our solicitors agree on stuff and then we apply for mortgage which we have been told there should be no problems getting approved for. It's a private sale so makes things rather more straight forward thankfully no messing about with offers etc.

Well I thought I was at target last Friday (my WI day) but was working early so couldn't weigh at 9am my proper time but was only 0.5lb away at like 5am before I went to work - so first day I could weigh at 9am properly was Tuesday (I think?!) and was half pound under target so decided that day I was properly at target so this will be my first proper weekend at target do Chinese and cider shall feature :-D was always planning on getting a new tattoo at target but with the house stuff that's an expense I can't afford right now but house is way more exciting than any target treats so I don't mind! X

 

[evilpenguin]

I hope the house buying & target maintenance is going well for you chick! Had a peek at your diary it seems you are getting closer to getting the house!

Posting to say I am still alive, barely anyway! Stressed to the max with uni and work! Diet has gone a bit haywire. I haven't weighed myself for about a fortnight so dunno what damage I've done, if any, but I haven't been eating normally or healthily so I dunno will try to remember to weigh myself at some point.

I have hardly been eating these days. Yesterday I had a pack of nutri grain biscuits for breakfast, a BLT sandwich for lunch (which was about 7 hours after breakfast) and then a chinese for dinner, half a special chow mein, a spring roll, a few chips with curry sauce and a BBQ rib.. and that was it (which to be fair is probably more than enough, but it's not like me to eat so little). No wonder I'm struggling to stay awake most days. All I've had today was the rest of the chow mein and some more nutri grain biscuits. Who knows maybe I'll accidentally starve myself to target?
Just not in the mood to think about food, cook it or eat it only eating when I start to shake/have actual hunger pain, and it's never healthy, just whatever's there really. If we get to November 18th or whenever my 1 year diet anniversary is, and all I've lost is the 3 stone I lost before it all went a bit wrong, I'll be happy, because I only aimed for 1lb a week anyway! But I would like to at least attempt to lose some more before the year's up....

I would say "fresh start tomorrow" but it won't happen. I was thinking of doing that stop smoking technique, where you pick a day to stop and get yourself all hyped up for it. Every day in my calendar just seems like a bad day to pick. That's probably a really good reason to just pick a bloody day, eh?

OK. Tomorrow.

Don't even have any meals planned and I'm at uni from half 9 til half 6 ish so this'll be fun!

Going to Tesco later, will pick up supplies of clementines and little fruit packs and those choc philly biscuit dunker things (seriously amazing btw) and some more grapes, cos the ones I bought the last time I was going to "get back on track" are still in the fridge and a bit wrinkly.. So this time I might remember to take this stuff to uni with me to snack on, instead of buying crap from the cafes!

So this was supposed to be a quick post but I got typing-happy again! Feels nice to be on my actual laptop using the actual internet as opposed to using my phone with a crappy signal that cuts out mid-send and sends things to soon because the button is in a silly place!

Will post tomorrow evening about my first day of official dieting. Might be on Tuesday morning depending on how knackered I am after tomorrow.

 

[icklerockchick]

Nice to see you are still alive! Tell me more about these choc phili dunker things why havnt I experienced them?!?

Thanks chick hopefully get an offer in and apply for mortgage properly this week if all goes well! May burst with excitement :-D

Sounds like its probably all on track calorie wise even though you aren't following any particular diet or calorie counting so that's good. X

 

[evilpenguin]

Ooh the choc philly things are good, they're in Tesco, 4 for £2 so a bit pricey but usually 70p each. Philadelphia - Philadelphia with Cadbury Snack

Well as expected today didn't really go to plan lol. Had a horrible assessment this morning which resulted in the purchase of a mocha frappuccino to cheer myself up! Then bought a toffee flapjack before the 5pm class cos lunch had been hours ago and I was starving. So after that plus breakfast, lunch and snacks, MFP is telling me I have 261 calories left. Not had dinner yet maybe Monday's will need to be extra snackage days, maybe need to take about 10 pieces of fruit with me!

And tomorrow I have a bit of a night out that's actually a night in planned lol. My friend is coming over for a night of booze & pizza. We are both in need of a serious chill out, and figured we should put our Wednesday off to good use with raging hangovers lol. So diet is probably not happening tomorrow! Will start on Wednesday! Unless I'm so hungover that the only cure is more booze & pizza

 

[icklerockchick]

Ooh thanks will look out for them they look yummy!

Don't worry you will get on track when you feel ready x