Imagine if i wasn't fat
- Thread starter kellierocks
- Start date
kellierocks
Silver Member
i will be unemployed on the 11th December.
I am exhausted from work and from running.
I am going for a nap.
I'll be ok, just not tonight.
I am exhausted from work and from running.
I am going for a nap.
I'll be ok, just not tonight.
kellierocks
Silver Member
I was tired after 9 hours sleep, and arrived late to work bearing coffees. I knew I was pushing myself- we know the feeling when there just is no fuel left in teh tank. And then bam, a school principal complaining. Bam, a partner agency in serious battle for survival. Bam, it is doubtful there will be any word on my post until teh New Year, until after my contracte ends.
I had to leave. I couldn;t work anymore so I took 3 hours off, and searched for a dress choking back tears. Tears of pure exhaustion, worry, anger and hurt.
I know I have a good life.
I have health
I have family
I have great friends
I have an education
I have a good work wthic
I don't have a mortgage
I don't have anyone depending on me.
I get a little redundancy
Ok for tonight I'm going to try to just breathe...
I had to leave. I couldn;t work anymore so I took 3 hours off, and searched for a dress choking back tears. Tears of pure exhaustion, worry, anger and hurt.
I know I have a good life.
I have health
I have family
I have great friends
I have an education
I have a good work wthic
I don't have a mortgage
I don't have anyone depending on me.
I get a little redundancy
Ok for tonight I'm going to try to just breathe...
judith55
Silver Member
Life is just so sh*t sometimes. Having worked all my life until 18 mths ago I am standing on the sidelines of all these cutbacks and Spending Reviews but it is still horrible. I know the little bit of work I get might go with the public sector cuts but I'm sure I'll still manage somehow but for you younger ones I feel so sad. You know that you are a capable and hard-working person and you will find something else soon. And you are about to achieve something massive and in 2 weeks time you'll be able to drop into conversation "when I was in New York to run the marathon..." and everyone will be awestruck. xx
Oh Kellie I hope everything works out ok for you, and I'm sure it will.
My partner was made redundant last year and for a long time it seemed hopeless but, he's now back in work and everything slowly is working its self out.
You have a little time to try and get something sorted, try to stay positive as you said you have a lot of things going for you.
I'll be thinking of you.
My partner was made redundant last year and for a long time it seemed hopeless but, he's now back in work and everything slowly is working its self out.
You have a little time to try and get something sorted, try to stay positive as you said you have a lot of things going for you.
I'll be thinking of you.
kellierocks
Silver Member
rest
I had this dreaded feeling all day. The family wedding last night was lovely, and I enjoyed it. But today, perhaps it was the demon in the drink, the feeling was back again. The feeling that it is all too much, that I am not good enough and the feelign of exhaustion hightened with lack of sleep from last night.
I had a nap, and ate ate ate. Yeah my usual. But i did not order a large pizza with sides so less damage that was wanted 2 hours ago. I thought about getting drunk, but i know there's no point.
I was just mulling it all over, trying to make sense of it. Something I read once hit me. Rest. It said that when all seems to be going downhill, and you struggle to turn things around, accept and rest. And it was like AHA.
I cannot extend my own contract. I cannot change the next 2 weeks at work. I cannot drop out of the marathon now (well technically I could, but every sinew in me would weep, as would every one I know).
I can only accept that which I cannot change. Not eat it, sleep it, cry it. Life happens.
The second part was rest. The advice showed that animals, when things don't work out, rest. They rest. They go hunting and fail- they rest, not analyse and eat crap. I am tired. I need to rest. I just need to work out how to rest in the midst of the madness. And i think that is where I go wrong. I draw back into a shell and watch tv unconsciously and eat and sleep. What I need is planned rest. Reading a book takes up less brain energy than tv. Eating a stirfry and fruit will rest my body more than having to process the salt and sugar and crap in pizza and chocolate and crisps. A soft run would help my mind rest.
And so tonight and tomorrow I will build in rest. I will read tonight. I will get up tomorrow and run. I will go into the office and get through budgets. Ignoring stuff does not make it go away. I will have an afternoon nap. I am defrosting a healthy meal I have in the freezer, and I will do this all week to make sure I eat well.
So here's to managing rest.
I had this dreaded feeling all day. The family wedding last night was lovely, and I enjoyed it. But today, perhaps it was the demon in the drink, the feeling was back again. The feeling that it is all too much, that I am not good enough and the feelign of exhaustion hightened with lack of sleep from last night.
I had a nap, and ate ate ate. Yeah my usual. But i did not order a large pizza with sides so less damage that was wanted 2 hours ago. I thought about getting drunk, but i know there's no point.
I was just mulling it all over, trying to make sense of it. Something I read once hit me. Rest. It said that when all seems to be going downhill, and you struggle to turn things around, accept and rest. And it was like AHA.
I cannot extend my own contract. I cannot change the next 2 weeks at work. I cannot drop out of the marathon now (well technically I could, but every sinew in me would weep, as would every one I know).
I can only accept that which I cannot change. Not eat it, sleep it, cry it. Life happens.
The second part was rest. The advice showed that animals, when things don't work out, rest. They rest. They go hunting and fail- they rest, not analyse and eat crap. I am tired. I need to rest. I just need to work out how to rest in the midst of the madness. And i think that is where I go wrong. I draw back into a shell and watch tv unconsciously and eat and sleep. What I need is planned rest. Reading a book takes up less brain energy than tv. Eating a stirfry and fruit will rest my body more than having to process the salt and sugar and crap in pizza and chocolate and crisps. A soft run would help my mind rest.
And so tonight and tomorrow I will build in rest. I will read tonight. I will get up tomorrow and run. I will go into the office and get through budgets. Ignoring stuff does not make it go away. I will have an afternoon nap. I am defrosting a healthy meal I have in the freezer, and I will do this all week to make sure I eat well.
So here's to managing rest.
x Nee x
Gold Member
Hey hun, your sounding pretty stressed out, understandibly, I suggest MAJOR relaxation, lots of rest and of course xfactor 
Take your time with your thoughts and you will work out a plan over everything, If I managed to scrape out of my pit - well as you know I even didnt have one of them at one stage - then I know you can fight through this too and rise above everything.
Im here if you need to chat xxx
Take your time with your thoughts and you will work out a plan over everything, If I managed to scrape out of my pit - well as you know I even didnt have one of them at one stage - then I know you can fight through this too and rise above everything.
Im here if you need to chat xxx
judith55
Silver Member
Well done you on not doing the pizza and/or alcohol solution to all things horrid. I think rest is good but the knack is not to turn into a complete sloth cos then the guilt of doing nothing constructive can just add to the burden of "things to worry and feel bad about". Maybe try dividing the day up into slots and then you can alternate down time with something interesting. I have a massive list of "things to make and do" and when I'm really struggling I try to do something off the list. For example this week I touched up the paint on the landing where I scraped it moving a sofa. Its been there for 4 months and took me......... 10 mins including washing the brush. But made me feel really good and not a complete waste of space. Small things, huh?!
Keep posting hun. Can't wait to know how you do in NY!
Keep posting hun. Can't wait to know how you do in NY!
kellierocks
Silver Member
Jud, that is a fantastic tip. Today I am going to do laundry adn clean the house. I don't think i am going into work (bank hol here). I will already be doing 24 hours overtime this week. Still loads to do... Anyway I promised I would stop giving work my everything, so today- housework- a good shop and a home made meal, twice, and a 12 mile run after a nap. A nap I need because I went out.
I saw a photo of me at Christmas on facebook. Now at Christmas I thought I had lost weight. I would have said I was around 12 st. Seeing that photo really shook me, i look terrible. And not in a "oh my Gosh I always look terrible in photos" self- kicking way. As in comparing to photos now, I look massive. I look really unhealthy, my teeth even seem off, my skin looks dead. I don't look like me.
New York is 2 weeks yesterday. Close or what?! A lot of ppl are wishing me good luck today, thinking I'm doing Dublin. Wish I was-wish it was over. I'm not sure where that feeling is coming form. You guys know part of me dreads the finish as I'm afriad I will become that sloth and put weight back on. Maybe its just nerves, and the sooner I can get it over with the better. One things for sure, if I don;t get my ass in gear, food and exercise wise, I ain't gonna be going far.
I saw a photo of me at Christmas on facebook. Now at Christmas I thought I had lost weight. I would have said I was around 12 st. Seeing that photo really shook me, i look terrible. And not in a "oh my Gosh I always look terrible in photos" self- kicking way. As in comparing to photos now, I look massive. I look really unhealthy, my teeth even seem off, my skin looks dead. I don't look like me.
New York is 2 weeks yesterday. Close or what?! A lot of ppl are wishing me good luck today, thinking I'm doing Dublin. Wish I was-wish it was over. I'm not sure where that feeling is coming form. You guys know part of me dreads the finish as I'm afriad I will become that sloth and put weight back on. Maybe its just nerves, and the sooner I can get it over with the better. One things for sure, if I don;t get my ass in gear, food and exercise wise, I ain't gonna be going far.
judith55
Silver Member
I think that looking at the old photos must be great: it shows how lovely you look now and can offer motivation to not slide backwards.
What else do you plan on doing in NY? I can highly recommend the evening dinner cruise around Manhatten island. Me and TT did it a few years ago and although it is ideal for romantic couples, me and the boy loved it. We were on a bateau with live music and 3-course meal. We went all the way out to the Statue of Liberty which was beautiful at night. and of course you see the Manhatten skyline from the Hudson. All for about $65 each. Worth every penny! Ground Zero is poignant. Really loved it all.
Keep thinking about your trip as well as the running part and I'm sure you'll feel enthused all over again. xx
What else do you plan on doing in NY? I can highly recommend the evening dinner cruise around Manhatten island. Me and TT did it a few years ago and although it is ideal for romantic couples, me and the boy loved it. We were on a bateau with live music and 3-course meal. We went all the way out to the Statue of Liberty which was beautiful at night. and of course you see the Manhatten skyline from the Hudson. All for about $65 each. Worth every penny! Ground Zero is poignant. Really loved it all.
Keep thinking about your trip as well as the running part and I'm sure you'll feel enthused all over again. xx
kellierocks
Silver Member
My miles
26 Me- now and always.....
25 mum
24 C. God daughter K. Niece A nephew baby bump
23 My angel in heaven
22 Cha
21 Spock
20 Lou
19 Big sister
18 big brother
17 Dad
16 The girl I once was
15 all on here!
14 My aunt who passed away
13 all my young people
12 Ems, G and SS, L and P
11 L and A
26 Me- now and always.....
25 mum
24 C. God daughter K. Niece A nephew baby bump
23 My angel in heaven
22 Cha
21 Spock
20 Lou
19 Big sister
18 big brother
17 Dad
16 The girl I once was
15 all on here!
14 My aunt who passed away
13 all my young people
12 Ems, G and SS, L and P
11 L and A
kellierocks
Silver Member
I have been overcome with nerves, and I have come through. I have one more day at work, which in itself is brilliant. Barr a week in July, I have had the toughest 5 and a half months. It has been a rollercoaster, and I have a feeling at 3pm tomorrow I will want to cry, my colleague is leaving next week, so it is our last day together.
I am going to New York. I am going to run a marathon. Not too bad for the fat girl. I did not reach my target- I am still 11 10. Well I am delighted I have stayed at that, it could so easily be higher. I want to just hold it hear for another 3 weeks, and then training starts again. I want to have everything by tomorrow evening. I want Thursday to be a total chill out day, go for a run with JK, pop to my favourite cafe for coffee. Just be. I also have to be at work for 6.30 am as I am off for 2 weeks almost- so a lot still to do.
I am running a marathon, I will finish, I don't care about times. I will see New York. Dreams guys, really do come true. And it is not in achieving them that we are happy but knowing we worked to get there.
I am going to New York. I am going to run a marathon. Not too bad for the fat girl. I did not reach my target- I am still 11 10. Well I am delighted I have stayed at that, it could so easily be higher. I want to just hold it hear for another 3 weeks, and then training starts again. I want to have everything by tomorrow evening. I want Thursday to be a total chill out day, go for a run with JK, pop to my favourite cafe for coffee. Just be. I also have to be at work for 6.30 am as I am off for 2 weeks almost- so a lot still to do.
I am running a marathon, I will finish, I don't care about times. I will see New York. Dreams guys, really do come true. And it is not in achieving them that we are happy but knowing we worked to get there.
