dreaded totm turned up at about 3am!! ooo the PAIN!!!! Im like an injured animal today and feeling dead sorry for myself. hubby has run off with the pain killers as well so will have to go to asda. so i woke up rolling around wimpering and decided i would read a book until i could fall back to sleep...
this book is fab. i was getting so sucked into wanting to stay up til morning to read it lol. Its "The Alchemist" by paulo Coelho and it was recommended to me about 5 years ago. Anytime i have looked for the book i havent seen it and when i have seen it, I havent got the money on me but my wonderful hubby actually remembered me saying i wanted to read it ages ago and so he bought it for me for mothers day.
When i think about my hubby lately I cant believe the changes in our relationship. When we first met it was all lovey dovey and full of spark. Plenty of things happened that put strain on the relationship...him moving from the states....the wedding...the baby....him getting used to be a parent to my oldest 2 as well as this country and then of course my weight started creeping up and up. the spark had pretty much died a death and he became distant while i became insecure and over emotional.
the more insecure i became the more distant he became and we split up. i threw him out in the middle of the night along with my sister and her bf...(long story lol) he had pretty much wrecked my trust and I felt awful having him always recoil from any affection i tried to give but knowing full well his sexdrive was just fine when he was surfing the net...
finally we went into counselling and we established that he was not attracted to me because of my weight gain and the lack of self confidence that came with that put him off as well. it came up that it is odd that he has issues that make him detach sex from emotion...that he could do that with me dispite having a family and history together. of course, he could totally seperate emotion on the internet just looking at pics etc. That did nothing for my self worth tho and made me a wreck. the other thing that came up for him was how me being over emotional was driving him away...and he couldnt be emotional about sex so he worked hard to overcome those deep-rooted "committment" issues. it kinda worked back to his mum being mentally ill and how he would see her over emotional and unpredictable. he would deal with it by switching off.
during the counselling I worked hard on my self worth and my need for him to "adore me". i needed constant reassurance that he simply couldnt give and it drained us both. i learned to totally put together some sort of life for myself where i didnt need him for anything and we slowly worked it out.
he became more interested in me because he understood his problems better and also because my confidence was growing and he started feeling lucky to be around me again. i became more trusting in him and a lot stronger in myself because i understood myself and him a lot better.
now he is always telling me i am beautiful and he remembers books i mentioned months before hand. sometimes he comes home with flowers for me, sometimes he comes home with books or mags. he arranged the most romantic things and sweetest suprises for my 30th and it is like being married to an entirely different man. he hasnt gone back to the way he was when we first met as thats unrealistic. he has grown from that 23 yr old and has become a hubby and father so he is a much better persn now than the one i originally fell for. he feels lucky to have me and i trust him completely. he never cheated on me but it used to feel like he was walking a thin line which could have easily ended up that way. now i cant imagine he would ever do anything that we havent discussed or tried to work out.
we can sit for hours now chatting and being friends and it is wonderful. sometimes we'll spend a friday night playing cards and watching films but other times we go away for the night and just let our hair down. i am strong in the sense that even if he did do anything, i knwo i would be totally fine. the world wouldnt end and it wouldnt be something i need to punish myself about...which is what i was doing before. hating myself for not being good enough and being too ashamed to chat to friends about it.
i have really prattled on but this is really to say how thankful i am that i have a marriage i can believe in...despite how awful it became for a while. we worked thru it and i love my husband for becoming the man he wanted to be and working hard to save our family. he hated facing his demons and was always a man that wouldnt talk about feelings but he went against the grain and changed it all for himself and his family. I made the same kind of work for myself as well. i faced a lot of demons...had to learn to work thru problems and we came thru it all together. now everything gets discussed to death and we always know where we stand lol.
the times i hated him and he lived away from us (also pretty much hating me!!) and we wanted nothing but to never see eachother again all seems so long ago. it doesnt even feel like us anymore.
if u are willing to really work thru some sh*t, a relationship can be wonderful but it HAS to be an effort of vast committment made on both sides. I would never want a friend to push to save a crap relationship if they were the only one trying but i really have faith now in how far people can go to make a better life and for some reason, today it really means a lot to me that i married a man that can do all that for me and my children...as well as for himself. I have changed so so much too. i felt if something didnt come naturally it ought to be thrown away and i felt i needed to be adored because i felt it was the only thing that would give me worth but that is no longer the case.
this is a long winded way of saying i forget how much i can pat myself on the back for...and that i am capable of great changes. surely that can be applied to any area of my life?? of course it can...so i have found i am strong and can do anything i really really want to.
i can also have faith in people which i never had before. i learned to mistrust very early on in life and carried that biterness with me like a wallet! the truth is though, i know many wonderful people who are special and precious and worth really knowing heart and soul...
life looks more worth living and cherishing at the mo. i dunno how much of this is paul mckenna...or time of the month LOL
it feels nice though...and i hope this gives some encouragement to anyone going thru a hard time but with the knowledge that it has to be a two way street. if someone doesnt feel u r worth the effort then they dont value u and that can affect the value u place on urself. never let someone take that away from you.
today i am having a facial done by mrs herbalife. very much looking forward to that as its been a while since i pampered myself
well thats probably not true but i still think i deserve it lol.
hope u lovely miniminers are having a lovely day.
xxxxx
