Lizz's "to Inslimity and beyond" diary

[Katycakes]

Lizz, don't vanish hun... let us know how you are.

xxx

 

[curlywurly1234]

Lizz,
Just wanted to send you big hugs..
Please come back !!! We miss you, you are doing so well.
xxxxxxxx

 

[Bess]

Come back, we miss you on here. x

 

[*butterfly*]

Thinking of you hun. I know its hard coming back when you feel a bit out of control, but thats what we're here for! I disappeared for a few weeks recently, but coming back has boosted my motivation again. xx

 

[LizzMB]

hi all, thought i would let you know the latest update!

I am officially off cambridge diet and most certainly not be on here....not becuase i'm pregnant or at goal etc, but i have developed an eating disorder instead!
so didnt see that happening!
Things have been getting prgressively worse with my eating over the past few months, the binge v's starvation cycle becoming more frequent, and its been taken to the extreme!
I dont eat anything now, i've been living off 1 CD pack a day with lots of black coffee, water and cigarettes (yes, thats all started again!). Last night was the first (AND LAST!) time i purged to get some food out of my i had eaten!
I'm totally out of control and the worst bit, the scales arent even moving!
I still feel disgusting and the use of laxitives have become a regular occurance, 6 today so far just to feel empty!

Now i'm not writing this for sympathy! and please, no one give me any! I dont deserve it!
BUT, i just want to highlight a potential pitfall of CD!
Having lost 7 stone through "not eating", its now a mindset that not eating = weight loss!
Now LOGICALLY, we know that done correctly, CD is a fabulous diet!
However, in the wrong hands is a nightmare situation!

I am off to the doctors on monday to ask for help!
I keep trying to tell myself that i "just" need to start eating, but its not that easy!
Instead, i have found the best of both worlds, i eat something, chew it and then spit it out! hhhhmmm, delightful! I dont know where that idea came from!

control has been passed from me, to CD, to anorexia! and the ironic bit is that i am still fat! A fat anorexic! laughable!!!!

i "personally" dont think i am anorexic, i'm a) too fat, b) too fat and c) too fat!
I dont do labels well and i will not happily be categorised!
I starve myself though to control my weight....and yet the scales dont move so i'm obviously not very good at that either!

Anyway, i think that is enough to keep you all going! lol.

holding my head high! I will not feel ashamed for having issues! One day hopefully in the near future i will deal with them, but its getting harder and harder as time goes by!

love you all

xxx

 

[Wales]

Big hugs Lizz, don't really know what to say except going to the doctors is so the right thing to do, and I hope that you can get the support you need to help you through this.

Love and strength to you x

 

[Katycakes]

Hugs Lizz. Like Wales, lost for what to say, but feel for you and agree that you need some outside help with this. There is alot that can be done to help eating disorders, and a fab helpline/support group called bEAT which you could google/check out while you wait to see the doctor.

Can understand that you may need to distance yourself from CD & from minis, but we will miss you and think of you. Let us know how you get on if you get a chance.

xxx

 

[Bess]

Lizz, you must be so scared. I think you are amazingly brave to be dealing with this the way you are. I wish you strength and send you love. xxx

 

[LizzMB]

thanks for your messages ladies!
Genuinely, i do appreciate it!
Not sure if i will end up being "booted" off here becuase of how things have developed, but i have changed my signature and profile details to remove any tracking!
I dont think its healthy for others to see what i'm doing or how negative/positive it is on the scales either!
This is a very unhealthy place i am in and the last thing i want is to take others down this route too!

Just a query though, i have emailed my CDC and to tell her i am undoubtably off CD, but what do i do with the 79 packs i have? (I buy in bulk!).....any ideas? Should my CDC have them back and refund me?

told my mum yesterday about what's going on and she called me stupid! walked out!
Last thing i am is stupid! I know exactly what is going on, the problems, the health implications etc, but i just cant stop it! That isnt stupidity, thats desperation!
just keeping myself to myself now!
Feeling better for getting things off my chest!
DH wants me to tell my bff, but cant! she would a) be devistated b) shout and c) KILL ME!!! lol

love you all more than ever! Thanks for thinking of me

xxxx

 

[Katycakes]

Please, try the bEAT helpline Lizz... sometimes easier to talk to a stranger and they will listen & understand. Have just googled it for you, number is 0845 634 1414 or [email protected]

Hugs.
xxx

 

[Bess]

I've been thinking about you all night Lizz and on re-reading your message I want to say that you do deserve sympathy and naturally you have our support. You have been so kind and helpful to so many of us here and we aren't going to stop caring about you because you have a bigger problem now. The opposite actually.
Do take Katy's advice, and I certainly hope you can keep in touch. It's not about CD now, it's about friendship. Good luck tomorrow, I'm sorry that your Mum reacted they way she did, perhaps she's shocked and will understand a bit better when she's had time to think about things. Love, Bess.xx

 

[herewego]

Oh Liz - I've just caught up with your diary and I'm so sorry you are struggling hun!

I think many of us have a tendence towards disordered eating, which is why we struggle with our weight. Dieting doesn't fix this and can even make it worse as it can become addictive and the messages from the food / diet industry are so mixed and conflicting that it can make the most intelligent person confused! I struggled with something similar when I was in my early 20s (I was a size 10-12 then so not big). I was working as an Au-Pair and the "mother" in the household suggested that I go to her diet doctor to lose some weight. I did and got some pills (dread to think what they were, but definitely not something that should have been handed over to a young person without a weight problem). I lost my appetite completely and was buzzing with energy. After a few weeks I was barely eating as I didn't feel the need and the weight loss was addictive. Every so often I would binge on a whole packet of Frosties or similar (the children would get blamed for that) and then barely eat again for days.

You do really need to get some help! I was lucky and I got better when my environment changed but for you and your family's sake - please talk to someone. Don't tell your friend if you don't want to - she might not understand - speak to bEATwho will all know what you are talking about and listen without judging.

Take Care & please keep in touch! We may not know you personally but we ARE your friends and we DO care!

 

[sleepybird]

Hope you are alright Liz, thinking of you xxxxx

 

[curlywurly1234]

Lizz,
Hon, I just wanted to send you the biggest hugs ever! I am so so sorry to hear you are going through this.......... we went through our journeys together, and you have come so far hon.......... Please please go and get the help you need and I hope you can sort it out very soon........I wish I had more words of advice but I really havent hon.
Please please let us know how you are getting on......... thinking of you and wish you all the best please please dont be a stranger we are all here to support you!
Lotsa love and big hugs Marissa xxx

 

[LizzMB]

i am SOOOOOO cross!!!!!

I sent an email to my CDC explaining about the situation and asking what to do with the packs and this was her reply:

"Thank you for your email. I am so sorry to hear that your feelings connected with food and eating have deteriorated so much.
Thank you for being so open and I am very pleased to hear that you are seeking the necessary medical advice. I'm sure that, with the correct support, you will come through this difficulty and be able to look forward positively.
I do hope that some of the chats we have had have been helpful to you and I am glad that you have now been able to confide in Simon.
I really wish you well and I'm sure you are taking the right steps to a happier future
Kind regards

Sarah"

So it seems that i have now gone from being star pupil to getting what looks like an auto-reply email!!!

I now have 80 packs of CD products sat in my cupboard that i am not allowed to go neear (hubbys instructions)!
If i sell them on here or ebay, i will get slagged off to the hills! yet my CDC wont take them back!

Cant get into the dr's today, so will try again tomorrow!

Very unimpressed!

 

[KD]

Oh Lizz. Massive hugs. Nobody is going to boot you off here. You do need help though and if you can't get your doctor, do contact that helpline katy posted.

As for the packs. Your CDC will take them back if they are bought in the last 14 days, though many will take them back after that. It's up to them

You can't sell them on here or Ebay I'm afraid.

As for not using them yourself, remember they are more than just a dieting aid. They are full of nutrition and will help keep you strong whilst you sort this head stuff out. Please don't use them for dieting. Try to have a pack or two for a snack.

The most important thing is that you can do is get help and stay well. You absolutely can beat this Liz.:hug99:

 

[*butterfly*]

Lizz,
Just wanted to send big hugs your way. I really hope you get the right support and can start to change your eating again, as I’m sure it must feel so scary for you right now. I’d hate for you to think you couldn’t post here if you needed to, we all do care for you a great deal and would like to help if possible, as said, we’re not just dieters but would like to be here just as a friend. Having said that, I understand it is a very personal issue and you need to deal with it however you want, even if that means cutting ties with the ‘dieting’ community. You are too harsh on yourself though hun, you do deserve support and care. You have always been there for others, and you have been so brave in admitting how difficult things have become for you. I daresay theres a few of us, who may have felt things spiral into ‘disordered’ eating throughout the cd journey, just not been able to be so honest with ourselves or others. Wishing you all the strength in the world to tackle this, just take it one step at a time. xx

 

[LellyCD]

Hi lizz, can't add anything to the fab advice above so just wanted to send you ((hugs)) , hope things get better for you soon hun
xx

 

[sleepybird]

Thinking of you, sweet xx

 

[Bess]

Just thinking of you Lizz and wondering how you are. If you read this and feel able, there are a lot of us who'd like to know, we all care about you. I think you are very brave indeed. xx