Minerva; Confessions of a Food Addict.

[Minerva]

Not sleeping well because of stress ... like my mind can't relax at all, always thinking about this coursework... coupled together with being uncomfotable ... meh Looking forward to a lie in on saturday, I know I'll be exhausted enough to just fall into bed and not wake up... which is always nice.

Apart from that I'm completely freaking out in my head over the eating thing, I'm not counting, so safety of numbers is gone (safety meaning that I 'know' that I'm not over eating) - so without the numbers I think I'm overeating, and therefore failing, and failure brings forward a new problem of 'emotional hunger' due to failure. I know how to differentiate this emotional hunger and I don't give in to it, because I know what real hunger feels like, and I now actually try to make a point of eating something when I feel like my brain is stopping working from lack of energy. I also try to eat at regular intervals of about 4/5 hours. ... but because I'm eating more than just chewing gum, my mind is freaking out and thinking I'm over doing it and thinking I'm gonna gain everything back all in one go. I suppose it can also be characterised in my lack of want to spend any money on myself because I don't want to 'waste' my money on something that I will 'grow out of' very quickly ... I know it's all completely irrational, but I suppose it's a common fear some people may share.
So; I am trying to eat more, albeit small portions at the moment. I do stop when I'm 'full' (which is part of the problem - sometimes when I was counting I never let myself have enough to BE satisfied). So this 'satisfaction' feeling is hard to handle as well (not in any way FULL in the bad sense of course).

Guh... this is difficult. And I still can't face picking up any food that I know is going to be full of "bad" ...

So; today I had ... 9am: Half a fried egg, half a piece of toast, some baked beans and a few button mushrooms. ... 2pm: Small bowl of Spicy tomato and lentil soup with a salad of tomatoes, cucumber, chickpeas and beans. ... 7pm: Alpen 'Light' bar (60 calories lol, the only thing I 'know' the value of!) ... and now... boyfriend's cooking a green thai curry with noodles, which ... I'm very sceptical about... but I have to remember I serve my own portion, so I know how much I'll have... Blah ...

It's all so STRESSFUL...!

 

[Minerva]

I'm really struggling with the feelings of guilt every time I eat. It's like I don't deserve to eat anything, I don't deserve to feel 'satisfied'... It's as if I deserve the struggle I impose on myself, I make my life hard because I am unworthy of anything better. I have always been told this by my stepmum, how lucky I am to have the life I have. I know I'm lucky enough to be financially priviledged because my dad worked so hard for it all. But this always makes me feel so guilty, makes me feel worthless now because I took advantage for so long... and having been fat all my life has shaped me to always consider myself as a sub-species, because unfortunately, society does view fat people as disgusting "creatures" who has made themselves that way.

So... food. It's a difficult one. It's not so much about *what* I eat anymore, or *how much* ... but the fact that I eat at all? It seems to be a question somewhere deep down of whether I should be deserving enough to exist at all to have a requirement for substenance. The guilt for the need to survive. The guilt of feeling 'satisfied' rather than 'struggling'.

I am not posting this here as a way of sympathy or anything. I am posting real concerns that perhaps, some other people may share. Know that you are not alone. Fat people really do go through terrible discimination that can affect us for life. It's quite terrifying in it's way, because it seems to be socially acceptable to be made fun of if you're obese. For the general public it's "oh so funny" to point at the fat bloke, at the fat girl. To make a 'fat' joke is popular culture. They all know we can't fight back because we somehow 'deserve' this abuse.

I remember, a couple of years ago when I still smoked... and was at my original size of 22, I was standing outside, and had to ask for a lighter from some guys... and I actually remember apologising to them for having to ask them, apologising for my ugliness, apologising for being in their presence at all. And I'm sure, that I am not alone in having actually apologised to strangers for the way I look.

True, I did something about it now, and I feel a little self-righteous. I almost want someone to tell me I'm fat just to be able to kick them in the teeth to say 'NOT ANYMORE'. But of course, that will never come because no one would say that. I am 'normal' and I must live a 'normal life' now... however, the scars of those 'fat-years' remain, and I guess we must all do our best to try to heal the wounds and try to move on with our lives.

... After all, usually our bad experiences, trials and tribulations, are what make us stronger. Show your scars with pride. They are what truly makes us all unique.

xx

 

[daisydoll]

'taking advantage' of parents is what kids are supposed to do min.
i work hard so my kids can have a good life - i want our lives to be as good as they can be - for both me and my kids - as i'm sure all parents do
( don't get me wrong they sometimes take advantage in 'bad' ways, but thats to do with being children)

i was never so big, so didn't have a bad time from others, or feel paticularly bad about myself so can't really comment there - only to say tho that i think you have done something amazing by taking control and doing something about it - loads of people don't and remain large.
You, more than most actually deserve to feel satisfied, both mentally and physically.

you should be so proud of yourself for losing all the weight, you deserve to treat your body well, after years of abusing it, you can now start treating yourself properly, you owe it to yourself.

you are worth it.

daisy x

 

[Minerva]

Thank you Daisy... You're always so positive, I love that about you. Your smiley avatar perks me up as well to be honest! I will try to sort of... maybe believe in myself more... because I suppose I do expect myself to do much more than humanly possible lately. ... I read somewhere that you went back on abstinence and thinking of doing Lite? How is it going?

---

In other ways... I had a nice lie-in this morning, I was at the point of crying with exhaustion last night, I just fell into bed... and this morning I feel quite a bit more relaxed... Doing work at home (or trying to!! argh!!). Still… being at home especially with the horrible weather outside for once is very rewarding.

On the eating front - apart from the obvious panics of actually "eating" and trying to ignore the guilt for having to eat at all (I know, irrational absurd thinking that I must keep fighting), I am finding it ok.

I like the fact that I feel like I have taken control back. I am in control. Not the numbers. Not the calories or the food. I go by what I need... I was afraid of not being able to control myself if I started eating in an "unrestricted - uncalculated world". But it's actually not a problem (so far anyway – though I sometimes do find stray thoughts about unnecessary snacks!), because after such a long time (nearly 2 years!!!) of abstinence, dieting, Lighter Life, LLLite and calorie counting... eating healthily (knowing what is good for me, for energy and portion size) and in a controlled way (i.e. not bingeing) has become almost second nature. It's become a lifestyle...

I seem to have unlearned many of my old bad habits, of course I do need to keep some in check still - but they aren't so problematic. I find that if I over-eat one day (i.e. restaurant outing or had a few drinks the night before), the next day I seem to compensate by not being anywhere near as hungry and being able to cope with the day just fine. I know that I seem to have disassociated a lot of food from emotional states, I don’t seem to “NEED” certain food when I’m feeling a certain way. And if I do ever get a craving for something very specific – I know that it’s not actual hunger – because it simply does not work that way.

Though I do find that ‘emotional’ hunger can still be a bi*ch, it’s painful and that is really quite hard to deal with! I do on the whole ignore it though because I can’t give in to it. Uncondition the emotion (even if it’s subconscious) or tiredness from a ‘food reward’. Nothing should really need to warrant a food “reward”. I try to reward myself in other ways these days, maybe buying myself something nice to wear, or taking a few minutes out to enjoy the day. It’s more fulfilling.

We’ll see how I go… I am still fairly restrictive on what and how much I allow myself to, but not counting and weighing absolutely everything is quite liberating… means I am allowing myself a few more things like fruit and stuff which I didn’t before. It’s just fighting the battle and trying not to freak out… I need to forgive myself for needing food … as stupid as that sounds.

 

[Jezebella]

Hey Min

Have been wanting to post to you for the last few days. I am so glad things seem to be going better for you, and it is great that you are putting down your thoughts down here. I always find writing out out gives me some perspective. Especially when I read back what I have written a few days later. (I usually just type as things come into my head)

I think with a bit of patience, time, listening to your body and trying to get rid of the guilt you will get there, to a more healthy relationship with eating. It is hard, and you are right it does become a lifestyle. 2 years of it all is a long long time. Relaxation however has been a big key for me. If I am stressed, I become controlling especially over the food. If I am relaxed it is a lot easier to relax around the food too. Today was a biggie for me. My cousins over and although I had made the lunch (and it was all things I had made before so knew a portion size and exactly what was in the food) I did not sit down and weigh out a portion. We sat round the table and just dished up. I have logged what I estimate the portion to be, it could be a bit more or a bit less. But it won't break the calorie bank!! Also it was a day for sharing, enjoying and being with family. So a little more here or there is ok. I don't think I have over eaten. We had a normal lunch as normal people round a table, and had dessert too!! Grilled banana with creme fraiche. It felt weird but good. Like I was back in the world agian. Still not sure what I will do when faced with a restaurant. At least I know at this point what is in all the food I eat, because it is cooked by either my sister or myself. Someone else's cooking would worry me a bit. But as I am learning with this RTM thing, it is all slowly slowly catchee monkey. I haven't put on any weight so far according to my scale, and am even a bit down by a few hundred grams. So I think I am learning a bit of balance. Somedays my cals are higher and some days lower. Only 3 weeks left and then back into the big wide world. I am absolutely planning on going to classes with my LLC after RTM and perhaps it is something you could consider too. I think it keeps me on the straight and narrow and also gives me a fabulous safe place to express my views, listen to others, find out that what I go through has been gone through by people before.

Hope you have a great week, and were nice and snuggled up in this chilly, miserable weather.

Jez
xx

 

[Minerva]

Hmm... I guess I'm doing ok so far... It's been over a week and a half now of me 'going it alone', and ... I guess I am relaxing into it a bit. I still feel guilty after eating. And obviously I am aware of what goes in my mouth. But I have a chance to listen to my body a whole lot more and respond to it when it really does shout for food.

It really does put the emphasis on having self-control though. It's interesting to have the 'rebellious child' in the back of my mind (he's woken up a bit!) - but he's not hard to slap back into obedience at the moment.

I know my boundaries, it's just that 'emotional hunger' I think I'll always struggle with. I know it's there, and I'm not entirely sure why it just sits there on certain days. I guess I have come to call them 'hungry days' - when I just feel a pain of hunger (even after I've eaten!) and this sort of desperation for more food.

Perhaps this is what KD refers to as the leptin levels responding to me naturally *needing* to be fat - and *needing* me to find food to replenish my fat stores. Some people are genetically meant to be bigger (controversial subject, but looking at how evolution seems to work - it does make sense), and I seem to be one of those people. This genetic predisposition is NOT an excuse for 'big' people to reason that that's why they are large - and as we can see, we can easily lose weight if we want to enough. It's just that we find it ever so slightly harder to adjust to a 'healthy' and 'natural' eating lifestyle. We always need to be aware of how much we eat, and when it is appropriate to do so.


And I guess in this transitional period of losing my 'blanket of safety' which provided external control mechanisms, I am having to work out my own individual boundaries in relation to my eating, weight management, and general rules to lead a healthy, nutritionally balanced and above all, responsible lifestyle.



On another note, I had a wonderful lunch the other day! Ryveta Pizzas!
While Pizza will most probably never be on my menu again (in it's greasy take-out form) - we can always improvise. I have used a whole-grain pitta bread as a pizza 'base' before, but the other day I used some Ryveta crispbreads - had about 3, with my own choice of toppings (some tomato paste, herbs, a few slices of red pepper, babycorn, thinly slices mini-pepperami and a tiny bit of grated gouda cheese) - grilled this in the oven for about 5 minutes, served with a side-salad... was wonderfully tasty!

 

[thin_inside]

Hi Min

That Ryvita Pizza sounds yummy. A great alternative option. You have really great ideas using everyday foods.

Good to hear from you and sounds like you're doing OK.

I have a loud rebellious child and am struggling to stay in control of him, so will be starting RTM this weekend I think - purposefully breaking abstinence with an adult head rather than eventually losing the control and eating 'accidentally'.

I am keen to see what my current weight is when I get back home tomorrow night before I make my final decision. Scary step, but your blogs and Jez's and others are a massive help in knowing my feelings and emotions and thoughts are just normal.

xx

 

[thin_inside]

Hi Min - how's things? Hope you're well and still loving the learning. xx

 

[kenshin112]

can't beat the ryvita pizza
hope your well min
x

 

[daisydoll]

hi min

.....waves.....

hope you are doing ok
daisy x

 

[Minerva]

*sneaks in before going to bed*

Yep, I'm still alive! Amazingly enough... lol. So much studying to do - so little time... but at least I love the subject.

Food wise... I'm doing well. I haven't been counting/recording my calories for a month now. I semi-consciously still work my meals out in my head, as a guide, to make sure I'm not over doing it... and, it's fine. I look at my portion size on my plate, and listen to my stomach more than anything ... I don't deny myself things I'd like - and leave things on the plate that I'm not enjoying ... there hasn't been an occasion when I 'over-did' it. ... I remain careful, and I can stop when I'm done - or not enjoying the thing I'm eating anymore.

So, all in all... I'm relearning my behaviour. I don't even subscribe to the 80/20 rule - because realistically there is never a time for EXCESS. A little bit in moderation all the time. Every once in a while have the things you don't have very often (like cake on a birthday) - makes it enjoyable.

After a rather busy weekend celebrating Lyle's birthday - I know I'll be absolutely ok at Christmas. Have a little, enjoy it all, and not regret a single thing.

x

 

[katalena]

Min what a wonderful read from you! It is so good to hear you are where you are!

I hope you will have some time to relax over Christmas/New year to recoup before hitting those books again!

Kat xx

 

[kenshin112]

hey min good to hear that your well
and make sure you have plenty of relaxation time over the festive season
and btw what you studying, i havent been following this thread carefully my bad incase youve posted it earlier somewhere

 

[thin_inside]

Min you sound more relaxed about things. Well done. Glad you're really enjoying the subject - it's much easier to keep working and be successful if you do. Some great choices happening!

Hope you have a decent break and some 'me time' planned for Christmas and New Year.

xx

 

[Jezebella]

So great to hear you are doing so well Min hun, will post more when I have time, and thanks so much for the msg on fb

Jez
xx

 

[Minerva]

Just for those who've missed it ... I am a Criminology Masters student. ... with aims to 'fix' the failure that is the Probation service in the UK!



Thanks guys for the lovely messages though. Very much appreciated! Can't wait to meet you all after New Years - and I am posting some pics up in my profile from this weekend as we speak.

 

[Morticia]

Hi Min,

Good to hear from you, and good to hear you are sounding so much more relaxed about things. Have a great week...

 

[daisydoll]

hi min
good to hear from you.
glad things are going ok
daisy x

 

[Sean(JSF)]

Hi Min, really pleased to catch up with you in such a positive space

 

[Minerva]

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years everyone!
I hope everyone has had a wonderful few days with their families and the obligatory nice-ness! (though personally after so many years not understanding the concept - I finally am beginning to like it! )


Personally I always celebrate Christmas on the 24th - that is what I grew up with. My boyfriend's mum, dad and sister all gathered at my parents' house for that day, and in true style of my side - there was enough food to feed a small army (I'm not exaggurating!). THEY had prepared (courtesy of M&S of course, and Waitrose!) full roast potatoes, parsnips, red cabbage, bacon fried brussel sprouts (I asked for mine to be plain), stuffing, lots of veg, and their piece deresistance - Turkey stuffed with goose, stuffed with chicken, stuffed with duck. I know. Makes me feel a little sick thinking about it! Lol. I had a tiny slice of the 'turkey' part (I'm guessing!!) and I was happy. But, don't get me wrong. I told them not to do so much food - because Lyle's side were ALSO bringing food (Hungarian chicken goulash) because that is traditional for them to have on Christmas Eve. Of course, it was absolutely gorgeous. And as part of my Latvian tradition, I baked some cinnamon gingerbread cookies, bacon filled breads, and bacon-onion grey peas (Latvian dish). So all - in - all - not even counting the array of nibbles, starters, desserts, chocolates, crackers. ... it was enough.. to feed all the starving children in Africa (bless them ).
Then the 25th - celebrating with Lyle's nanny and grandad and his side of the family - a modest Christmas dinner in comparison, but it was absolutely lovely, home-made, enough for everyone without the promise of over-doing anything. Sat around around a roaring fire afterwards, and I think - we all came away with a very shared hatred for Trivial Pursuit 90's edition! It was indeed - rubbish. But I suppose that's what you do at Christmas. You play rubbish games because... well it's just what you do.


Food wise... since this is a dieting forum. ... I did go into Christmas knowing I should 'watch it'. Not limit myself, but to know when to stop. While I did choose to allow myself to have a few extras (a few extra crackers because they're tasty), and chose to have some chocolates; - I know that I watched HOW much I ate at the dinners/desserts - I never went back for seconds, I tried not to keep "picking" at things, when I wasn't enjoying the mouthfuls - I stopped eating ... and above all - once I was done. I was done. It's strange how a big box of Roses or something comes out after an hour of dinner and cheese board ... why? And then some more Christmas cake, and ham a few more hours after that. ... I dunno. I kept listening to my stomach and rationalising whether I needed more food or not. I tried to keep a conscious mind about it all - and while I did feel that I chose to allow myself a bit extra than I should have - I think I did ok. ... not brilliantly, but I know I didn't end up bingeing, I know that I didn't get into that destructive mindset of "oh well, I've had a chocolate, it's all over now - might as well have the rest of the box" ... LOL. That is the stupidest mindset I'd ever had (a long time ago now!) If you stop right there and then - the damage is MINIMAL!

Either way... I was expecting to have gained some weight over these last 3 days or so - I weighed myself on the morning of the 24th, and I was 7st 11. ... This morning for some reason I'm 7st 10. ... I think my scales are wrong, because that can't make any sense.