Minerva; Confessions of a Food Addict.
- Thread starter Minerva
- Start date
kenshin112
Gotta Make A Change
merry xmas min
and have a wonderful new year
x
and have a wonderful new year
x
thin_inside
I Can Do This!
Hi Min. I can learn a lot from you! Should have read your post earlier. xx
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
I'm somewhat in a state of panic... life is so chaotic at the moment. Lots of worry over property acquisition, conveyancing, solicitors, moving out of a freezing flat with hardly any hot water - packing - and the pressure of not knowing how I will complete all assignments in 2 months time, haven't had the chance to start yet - and I can't possibly concentrate on them when I'm living outside of a suitcase in a freezing house, knowing that tomorrow I'll be eslewhere, also freezing, uncomfortable, not knowing where half my stuff is. ... yes. chaos. inside my head and in my life.
And the 1 lb gain is wreaking havoc in my head, I 'try' to be 'good' - I don't count in my head anymore which puts me on extreme edge because I now feel out of control completely, which puts the whole study and discipline paradigm into severe question. I know the weight gain technically is nothing to be surprised about - I had a little too much wine and chocolate on Valentine's night (I surprised my boyfriend with a lovely Japanese restaurant, chocolate spread and truffles, wine and a hotel room ... he was very pleased!).
As a consequence though my eating is "broken" because I'm not actively counting in my head. Instead I look at my portion size and gauge it by visual. Sometimes I have a little more, sometimes a bit less. But I need to KNOW I guess. But knowing is where the danger lies too because then I'll cut back into the nothing again. I'm trying to calm the fears and watching myself not to get back into bad habits, not to let them in, and not to become complacent over 'adding little bits', or something becoming routine that really shouldn't. ... I'm trying my best, but I guess all the life's difficulties and worries are really not helping the situation.
Wish me luck for moving in with my boyfriend's parents for a while... it will be interesting not being completely independent again ... and the packing... oh the glorious packing which I still need to finish doing.... ugh................ will be a very very hard next few weeks trying to juggle studying with this complete and utter minefield of things I need to remember to do.
...
I can't deny the prevailing feeling in this time of distress that I want 'more' food. I keep wanting, thinking I deserve more. I definitely try not to give in at all - but it is becoming increasingly harder because much of my attention is taken away with all the worry and stress. It's harder to make that conscious decision NOT to indulge in something I shouldn't (which at the moment is only as much as an extra spoon of yoghurt, or a spoon of honey or 1 piece of dark chocolate... so nothing extremely terrible... but it's easy to see how it can escalate)...
It's harder to make the choice and I guess I need to keep on top of a lot of things right now... How do I scramble to have control when I feel like I have none at all? ... Strange how I felt at my most 'powerful' when I was famished, running on fumes driven by starving hunger and desperation. Hm.. I get complacent when I get a little too comfortable......
And the 1 lb gain is wreaking havoc in my head, I 'try' to be 'good' - I don't count in my head anymore which puts me on extreme edge because I now feel out of control completely, which puts the whole study and discipline paradigm into severe question. I know the weight gain technically is nothing to be surprised about - I had a little too much wine and chocolate on Valentine's night (I surprised my boyfriend with a lovely Japanese restaurant, chocolate spread and truffles, wine and a hotel room ... he was very pleased!).
As a consequence though my eating is "broken" because I'm not actively counting in my head. Instead I look at my portion size and gauge it by visual. Sometimes I have a little more, sometimes a bit less. But I need to KNOW I guess. But knowing is where the danger lies too because then I'll cut back into the nothing again. I'm trying to calm the fears and watching myself not to get back into bad habits, not to let them in, and not to become complacent over 'adding little bits', or something becoming routine that really shouldn't. ... I'm trying my best, but I guess all the life's difficulties and worries are really not helping the situation.
Wish me luck for moving in with my boyfriend's parents for a while... it will be interesting not being completely independent again ... and the packing... oh the glorious packing which I still need to finish doing.... ugh................ will be a very very hard next few weeks trying to juggle studying with this complete and utter minefield of things I need to remember to do.
...
I can't deny the prevailing feeling in this time of distress that I want 'more' food. I keep wanting, thinking I deserve more. I definitely try not to give in at all - but it is becoming increasingly harder because much of my attention is taken away with all the worry and stress. It's harder to make that conscious decision NOT to indulge in something I shouldn't (which at the moment is only as much as an extra spoon of yoghurt, or a spoon of honey or 1 piece of dark chocolate... so nothing extremely terrible... but it's easy to see how it can escalate)...
It's harder to make the choice and I guess I need to keep on top of a lot of things right now... How do I scramble to have control when I feel like I have none at all? ... Strange how I felt at my most 'powerful' when I was famished, running on fumes driven by starving hunger and desperation. Hm.. I get complacent when I get a little too comfortable......
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Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
Hey hon. LIfe is indeed its most challenging when our plates overflow with chaos. But just remember - none of this kills us - just challenges us.... and know that soon, your life will return to normalcy. I always wonder myself why everything comes at once, and other time, life is dull and boring. Never spreads itself out!!
You should not be upset by gaining a pound though, as I thought you were actually wanting to "gain" a bit back, since you slipped so far under your goal...so really, thats not a bad thing, is it?
Try - I know - hard - but try, to relax, and let it all flow over you - piece bu peice wach thing you ar challenged with now will one by one resolve itself, and life will return to being "normal".
THey say what doesnt kill us makes us stronger, ay?
You should not be upset by gaining a pound though, as I thought you were actually wanting to "gain" a bit back, since you slipped so far under your goal...so really, thats not a bad thing, is it?
Try - I know - hard - but try, to relax, and let it all flow over you - piece bu peice wach thing you ar challenged with now will one by one resolve itself, and life will return to being "normal".
THey say what doesnt kill us makes us stronger, ay?
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
You guys are right... It takes time for things to settle - and the main thing is to keep calm even if it's really difficult. I've been trying to maintain some sort of 'adult head' about it all - and I take it one day at a time. Some days of course, are worse than others.
The other day - I confess I had a chocolate/sugar binge. I couldn't stop - but I CHOSE not to stop - I actively chose to have my fill of chocolate and sweets and be done with it. I was ill that day, cold, tired, stressed out - which of course is NOT an excuse, though I did feel like my body was CRAVING chocolate very very much - not so much an emotional hunger for it. But an actual CRAVING. Think my body was needing an energy boost to fight off the cold virus - and it helped, my cold is nearly gone within just 3 days.
Of course emotionally, a BINGE is very difficult to come to terms with. But the key is to eliminate the feeling of helplessness and guilt associated with a binge-type behaviour. If those two emotions come in to it - a vicious and terrible cycle will begin to settle in. Nothing is ever 'over'. One binge is not damaging. I rationalised it the next morning - first of all I forgave myself for stuffing myself with sweets (which I did somewhat tried to enjoy too!). Second of all - I knew that I ate nowhere near 3'500 calories on top of the 'daily' intake level to gain even 1lb of fat. I know - that one evening of overindulgence evens itself out in the long run. I know there are days where I only have about 1200 calories per day, some days I have 1500. A few days of about 2000 in the grand scheme of things do not hurt because it's not a daily limit - it's a weekly/monthly calories in-calories out type of thing.
So... I chose not to stress. I chose not to let it bug me - learn from it, and move on.
Do the best I can in the situation - after all, we're only human, right?
The other day - I confess I had a chocolate/sugar binge. I couldn't stop - but I CHOSE not to stop - I actively chose to have my fill of chocolate and sweets and be done with it. I was ill that day, cold, tired, stressed out - which of course is NOT an excuse, though I did feel like my body was CRAVING chocolate very very much - not so much an emotional hunger for it. But an actual CRAVING. Think my body was needing an energy boost to fight off the cold virus - and it helped, my cold is nearly gone within just 3 days.
Of course emotionally, a BINGE is very difficult to come to terms with. But the key is to eliminate the feeling of helplessness and guilt associated with a binge-type behaviour. If those two emotions come in to it - a vicious and terrible cycle will begin to settle in. Nothing is ever 'over'. One binge is not damaging. I rationalised it the next morning - first of all I forgave myself for stuffing myself with sweets (which I did somewhat tried to enjoy too!). Second of all - I knew that I ate nowhere near 3'500 calories on top of the 'daily' intake level to gain even 1lb of fat. I know - that one evening of overindulgence evens itself out in the long run. I know there are days where I only have about 1200 calories per day, some days I have 1500. A few days of about 2000 in the grand scheme of things do not hurt because it's not a daily limit - it's a weekly/monthly calories in-calories out type of thing.
So... I chose not to stress. I chose not to let it bug me - learn from it, and move on.
Do the best I can in the situation - after all, we're only human, right?
Gemma79
I will do this!
hey min, really good to read your thoughts there, as here I am sitting feeling rather ill and having a 'binge'.. my binge was only on yogurt and jelly, 2 pots of jelly and half a yogurt, but I feel so disappointed in myself. I was asking the question 'am I hungry' while eating it and answering no but it was like I couldn't stop... I did stop though and left the kitchen. Still digesting it all physically and emotionally. Didn't feel a good place to be at all though. I think I've been fighting the desire for yogurt and jelly all week, knowing I can have them from Monday, so I know in the scheme of things it's not a disaster, but it was the fact I was eating while not hungry that worries me... oh wow I've got a lot to learn and look forward to. Thanks for posting min and helping those of us on the first part of this eating journey! x
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
THE most annoying thing just happened - the browser erased my post!
First of all: Gemma – WELL DONE on reaching goal!!! I’m very very very happy for you!! Second of all – do NOT let yourself become entangled in a guilt spiral. This is very important for a healthy maintenance plan. We will ALL have our down days – we ALL have our ‘hungry’ mindsets, moments of weakness and desire. But if we blow them out of proportion – they will become MONTHS of weakness and desire. Don’t let one slip (which for goodness sake is a 10cal jelly!!) be your downfall. Though – I know it’s not so much the food – it’s the mental battle. You are now in the initial stages of RTM; which are the MOST confusing of all. All throughout the LighterLife ‘god’ so to speak was saying: THOU SHALT NOT HAVE FOOD. ...Ok. We can’t – fair enough... now all of a sudden that same ‘god’ is saying – YES YOU CAN. ... so the barrier is broken and the outside control mechanism of ‘not being allowed’ is gone. This is where you need to build YOUR OWN CONTROL BARRIERS to deal with these situations. I built mine by naming them – my little monsters which are greedy and whiny and always keep wanting. I tell them NO and try to control them as best as I can. By putting a face on these emotions and sometimes difficult, uncontrollable desires – it is easier to deal with them. Maybe do a fun little exercise – visualise the little moster that couldn’t stop eating the jelly and draw him. Put him on the fridge door. Next time you feel like reaching for extra jelly (or anything) – tell that little monster staring at you a verbal ‘No – I don’t want to eat right now. Maybe later.’. Actually SAY IT OUT LOUD – and walk away.
I still use this technique – I actually ‘feel’ my stomach to see if I’m hungry. Then I actually audably tell myself – “I’m not hungry right now”, and after a few minutes I feel better. Or – I delay it. If I really want something for no real reason I say to myself “Maybe later; the <item> will still be there in 20 minutes/tomorrow/whenever.”. The hunger goes away – and “later” usually doesn’t come. Have a go at these, and try to find some techniques that work for you as well. This is where you need to start building your own control structures – or old habits will EASILY creep back in. I had to work very, very hard to forget and eliminate mine – which even now – two and a half years later have a way of finding themselves out of the blue.
Right ...today. I have. Chosen to ALLOW myself a ‘FEEDING DAY’. ... Lol. Ok, that does sound odd. Yesterday, I hardly ate anything all day in anticipation of going out that evening. Fair enough – but yesterday morning I also weighed myself... and even though I’d thought I’d been eating more, being a bit more pushy with the food – my weight had dropped to its lowest with a BMI of 17.9. I know that I actually don’t have any ‘water weight’ at the moment either because I run out of energy very quickly.
So... with a happy mindset – healthy attitude, I have embraced all of today to be a day where I ‘over-indulge’ and don’t deny myself if I’m presented the chance. Like a “controlled” binge so to speak – but not really based on over eating for eating’s sake – but to enjoy what I have. Only for today I had bread and some pasta – which I never usually have, and ice cream. And lots of it too! (NOT a mountain of course!!! But enough to satisfy – and even though my “binge-monster” WANTED more – I stopped at a reasonable time and did not go over board).
I guess it helps to have a happy attitude to it or a guilt cycle will begin. I’m in good spirits – and it’s important never to start eating when and if I’m depressed, angry or in a state of despair – as then food will become associated with a comfort mechanism – which I want to avoid at all costs. I need to gain at least some of the water weight back because I find it hard to function otherwise – but I do have to keep an eye on making “excuses” to overeat “just because I need to gain weight”. No – I NEED to keep track of this and remember to watch how much I eat, not to snack at all (snacks are STILL and WILL always be banned), and to remain healthy (i.e. no junk food, sweets for no reason, etc).
Need to keep an eye here. Tomorrow I’m going back to my usual normal eating cycle – today was ‘interesting’ and definitely – out of the ordinary! Can’t say I liked the preoccupation with food all day – wondering – “what else can I have”? Or the ‘full’ stomach feeling... I’m so used to feeling ‘empty’, it has become quite comforting...
At a later stage when no one was looking I did do a bad! I went and had spoonfulls of muesli (it's soooo lush) and a few slices of bavarian smoked cheese. Very tasty too. And a slice of really soft fresh bread.
All in all - WAY more than I should have had in a 24 hour period. But the bad thing here is I ate without anyone else looking - like the 'secret' eating thing. Something I definitely need to keep an eye on - especially in an environment full of tasty delicious things. Usually I'm fine with not wanting them at all - but I guess sometimes, even the best of intentions go wrong...!
Well, we’ll see what tomorrow brings, and I wonder what the scales will say on Monday (my usual WI day) in response!
First of all: Gemma – WELL DONE on reaching goal!!! I’m very very very happy for you!! Second of all – do NOT let yourself become entangled in a guilt spiral.
This is very important for a healthy maintenance plan. We will ALL have our down days – we ALL have our ‘hungry’ mindsets, moments of weakness and desire. But if we blow them out of proportion – they will become MONTHS of weakness and desire. Don’t let one slip (which for goodness sake is a 10cal jelly!!) be your downfall. Though – I know it’s not so much the food – it’s the mental battle. You are now in the initial stages of RTM; which are the MOST confusing of all. All throughout the LighterLife ‘god’ so to speak was saying: THOU SHALT NOT HAVE FOOD. ...Ok. We can’t – fair enough... now all of a sudden that same ‘god’ is saying – YES YOU CAN. ... so the barrier is broken and the outside control mechanism of ‘not being allowed’ is gone. This is where you need to build YOUR OWN CONTROL BARRIERS to deal with these situations. I built mine by naming them – my little monsters which are greedy and whiny and always keep wanting. I tell them NO and try to control them as best as I can. By putting a face on these emotions and sometimes difficult, uncontrollable desires – it is easier to deal with them. Maybe do a fun little exercise – visualise the little moster that couldn’t stop eating the jelly and draw him. Put him on the fridge door. Next time you feel like reaching for extra jelly (or anything) – tell that little monster staring at you a verbal ‘No – I don’t want to eat right now. Maybe later.’. Actually SAY IT OUT LOUD – and walk away. I still use this technique – I actually ‘feel’ my stomach to see if I’m hungry. Then I actually audably tell myself – “I’m not hungry right now”, and after a few minutes I feel better. Or – I delay it. If I really want something for no real reason I say to myself “Maybe later; the <item> will still be there in 20 minutes/tomorrow/whenever.”. The hunger goes away – and “later” usually doesn’t come. Have a go at these, and try to find some techniques that work for you as well. This is where you need to start building your own control structures – or old habits will EASILY creep back in. I had to work very, very hard to forget and eliminate mine – which even now – two and a half years later have a way of finding themselves out of the blue.
Right ...today. I have. Chosen to ALLOW myself a ‘FEEDING DAY’. ... Lol. Ok, that does sound odd. Yesterday, I hardly ate anything all day in anticipation of going out that evening. Fair enough – but yesterday morning I also weighed myself... and even though I’d thought I’d been eating more, being a bit more pushy with the food – my weight had dropped to its lowest with a BMI of 17.9. I know that I actually don’t have any ‘water weight’ at the moment either because I run out of energy very quickly.
So... with a happy mindset – healthy attitude, I have embraced all of today to be a day where I ‘over-indulge’ and don’t deny myself if I’m presented the chance. Like a “controlled” binge so to speak – but not really based on over eating for eating’s sake – but to enjoy what I have. Only for today I had bread and some pasta – which I never usually have, and ice cream. And lots of it too! (NOT a mountain of course!!! But enough to satisfy – and even though my “binge-monster” WANTED more – I stopped at a reasonable time and did not go over board).
I guess it helps to have a happy attitude to it or a guilt cycle will begin. I’m in good spirits – and it’s important never to start eating when and if I’m depressed, angry or in a state of despair – as then food will become associated with a comfort mechanism – which I want to avoid at all costs. I need to gain at least some of the water weight back because I find it hard to function otherwise – but I do have to keep an eye on making “excuses” to overeat “just because I need to gain weight”. No – I NEED to keep track of this and remember to watch how much I eat, not to snack at all (snacks are STILL and WILL always be banned), and to remain healthy (i.e. no junk food, sweets for no reason, etc).
Need to keep an eye here. Tomorrow I’m going back to my usual normal eating cycle – today was ‘interesting’ and definitely – out of the ordinary! Can’t say I liked the preoccupation with food all day – wondering – “what else can I have”? Or the ‘full’ stomach feeling... I’m so used to feeling ‘empty’, it has become quite comforting...
At a later stage when no one was looking I did do a bad! I went and had spoonfulls of muesli (it's soooo lush) and a few slices of bavarian smoked cheese. Very tasty too. And a slice of really soft fresh bread.
All in all - WAY more than I should have had in a 24 hour period. But the bad thing here is I ate without anyone else looking - like the 'secret' eating thing. Something I definitely need to keep an eye on - especially in an environment full of tasty delicious things.
Usually I'm fine with not wanting them at all - but I guess sometimes, even the best of intentions go wrong...!Well, we’ll see what tomorrow brings, and I wonder what the scales will say on Monday (my usual WI day) in response!
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Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
My over-indulgence/binge day has been an interesting experience. No regrets of course. I know I have the self-discipline to get whatever 'excess' down again, not a problem. Strange how in a 24 hour period I've managed to gain about 6lbs! Wow indeed! I can feel some of it is slowly moving through me as waste (yes eeeew!), some of it will have been water weight and some is definitely stored away as energy - which is good, I feel less lethargic than before.
I did over-eat completely - and my gut is complaining very much! Nasty farts of doom are prevailing and a churny stomach. A lot of candy (and too much sugar!) has NUMBED by tastebuds!! I can't taste properly - my usual fruit tea/camomile tastes very watery and bland - though usually it tastes quite sweet and delicious. This makes me sad - but as far as an experiment goes, I can say 100% that sugar and very strong sweet flavours DO indeed IMPAIR the taste sensation - which has the causal effect for people to eat more because they can't taste what they're eating. So I am right to cut out processed sugars from my diet and stick to fruit and sweetner (not too much of) - I actually ENJOY food because of this. I hope this decreased taste sensation goes away soon, I want to be able to taste my food!!!
I am setting my boundaries back up - the quick impulses are always there - when I see something tasty in the cupboard, the impulse of course is to 'taste' it - I guess this must be a prehistoric reaction to see if things are edible when gathering food. Thing is I KNOW they are edible and how they taste - therefore there is no NEED to 'taste' it. So, I'm very much trying to set my boundaries back up saying I don't need to verify whether the substance is poisonous or not! And no eating after a meal. No snacking. Going to be a little difficult in the next few days after so many rules had been broken - but, I'll set them back up - it's sometimes easier to rebuild a castle to a better design when it has completely broken down - trying to duct-tape bits together ends up messy and confused...
Hope the death farts clear up soon!
I know I have the self-discipline to get whatever 'excess' down again, not a problem. Strange how in a 24 hour period I've managed to gain about 6lbs! Wow indeed! I can feel some of it is slowly moving through me as waste (yes eeeew!), some of it will have been water weight and some is definitely stored away as energy - which is good, I feel less lethargic than before.I did over-eat completely - and my gut is complaining very much! Nasty farts of doom are prevailing and a churny stomach. A lot of candy (and too much sugar!) has NUMBED by tastebuds!! I can't taste properly - my usual fruit tea/camomile tastes very watery and bland - though usually it tastes quite sweet and delicious. This makes me sad - but as far as an experiment goes, I can say 100% that sugar and very strong sweet flavours DO indeed IMPAIR the taste sensation - which has the causal effect for people to eat more because they can't taste what they're eating. So I am right to cut out processed sugars from my diet and stick to fruit and sweetner (not too much of) - I actually ENJOY food because of this. I hope this decreased taste sensation goes away soon, I want to be able to taste my food!!!
I am setting my boundaries back up - the quick impulses are always there - when I see something tasty in the cupboard, the impulse of course is to 'taste' it - I guess this must be a prehistoric reaction to see if things are edible when gathering food. Thing is I KNOW they are edible and how they taste - therefore there is no NEED to 'taste' it. So, I'm very much trying to set my boundaries back up saying I don't need to verify whether the substance is poisonous or not!
And no eating after a meal. No snacking. Going to be a little difficult in the next few days after so many rules had been broken - but, I'll set them back up - it's sometimes easier to rebuild a castle to a better design when it has completely broken down - trying to duct-tape bits together ends up messy and confused... Hope the death farts clear up soon!
Gemma79
I will do this!
hehe min, I love how you write and reading your thoughts. Reminded me of my LLC's favorite saying, did you want it before you saw it? It's one of my post it notes on the cupboards and such a powerful question. She says that she is so good at not giving in to the desire so when shopping in the supermarket there buy one get one frees do not work.. something I cleared haven't managed yet, going to morrisons today I got hubby some donuts cos they were on offer, justifying it that he can have them as a treat. He told me off when I got home, he doesn't 'need' or even 'want' them and made me realise I sometimes pass my desires on to him and even worse our 2 year old.. something I know I need to work on, and I am
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Lol! Indeed Gem! I'm very much the same as your LLC - Morrison's (or any supermarket) offers and 2-for-1's do NOT work for me because I know I don't need/want those things! And a lot of the time if something I WAS after is on offer (buy one get one half price) I actually don't pick up the second one. I love how they do product placement though, random baskets of biscuits in the soup isle; or the big colourful displays full of random crap!
I go food shopping with a little shopping list so I know exactly what I need to get. And... as far as treats go... Yeah, we do sometimes pass our own desires on to other people - however, imagine if you're in the mindset of not wanting temptation and someone BUYS you doghnuts because they thought they were being nice... If my bf bought me such a treat I'd actually be angry because I don't want them and I'd just bin them. And is it fair to your other half to 'feed' them when there is no need? Try to reverse it to their point of view, and put yourself in their shoes.
xx
And a lot of the time if something I WAS after is on offer (buy one get one half price) I actually don't pick up the second one. I love how they do product placement though, random baskets of biscuits in the soup isle; or the big colourful displays full of random crap!I go food shopping with a little shopping list so I know exactly what I need to get. And... as far as treats go... Yeah, we do sometimes pass our own desires on to other people - however, imagine if you're in the mindset of not wanting temptation and someone BUYS you doghnuts because they thought they were being nice... If my bf bought me such a treat I'd actually be angry because I don't want them and I'd just bin them. And is it fair to your other half to 'feed' them when there is no need? Try to reverse it to their point of view, and put yourself in their shoes.
xx
Jezebella
Playing the Angel
Such interesting posts Min and Gem. The 2 for 1 or bogof is such a trap. I take great joy in avoiding it now!!! Whereas previously I would have doubled my shopping by using it. The only time I ever use it at all is if there is fruit or veg that I need that I know I will use in the week. I also now always take a list!!! It is the only way and I do not deviate from it!!. I also make a point of planning out my meals for hte week as much as possible, unless it is a crazy busy week like the last has been when I am working every night. Knowing I have something to look forward to, helps me avoid snacking. Part of where i went wrong this last week. nothing planned, long days and nights and being around too much different food for the tastings... So a taste here and a taste there. I think it is also a bit of boundary pushing - seeing just what will happen if I go back to what I did before. So yes min was right, water weight.... but such a scary bloody place to be. Min it sounds bad to say but I am jealous that you still loose.. not a healthy mind set i know but, I am... (whew there i said it ) Part of me wants to get thinner and thinner. I think a lot of it has to do with still having a belly, even though I am really skinny everywhere else. Am still seriously considering surgery. Was looking at prices again last night. Also planning a colonic irrigation, hate the feeling of having food inside me, and miss that light feeling of abstinence so that might help.
Sorry for having a weird vent and hijacking your thread Min. Hope all is well and congrats on having a break out and surviving!! I had bread this week too. Was pretty damn good. Still havent had pasta since RTM. Will try that again at some point.
Big kisses
Jez
xx
Sorry for having a weird vent and hijacking your thread Min. Hope all is well and congrats on having a break out and surviving!! I had bread this week too. Was pretty damn good. Still havent had pasta since RTM. Will try that again at some point.
Big kisses
Jez
xx
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Awww Jezzy.
I like a good discussion in my thread - so no worries! And by accident I somehow floated back into the RTM Journal and forgot about the Maintenance journal on the other forum! ... Oops.As per the carbs - bread is ok to be honest, I consume bits and bobs of it on a daily basis (carbs are not EVIL!) - but I do mostly stick to Ryveta (they're sooo good - especially the ones with the seeds!); dark German Rye bread or wholegrain (white bread does NOT agree with me!). I still very much avoid all noodles and pasta because they really make me feel iffy whenever I have it. Instead I have little helpings of cous-cous (which essentially IS pasta but seems to be more digestible somehow!!); barley; brown rice and on very rare occasions potato. Works for me to be honest - you need to find what works for you and assess how it makes you feel.
As per the weight gain over my decadent 24 hour period - well, I 'gained' 6lbs from my lowest marker of 7st 6 (yesterday morning it was 7st 11!). Today's WI (one day later) is at my normal 7st 8. I'm happy with this - and I don't want to lose any below - maybe that is why I justified a 'feeding day'. I'm back to normal eating though, however I do have to stop worrying so much... then again I don't think my problem is with FOOD as such - it's about control. If I can control myself in how much I eat - then I can control the rest of my life too. ... It's strange how the two things are very much linked - when I'm feeling tired and stressed - I have my "hungry days" when staying away and remaining in control is so much harder too. Lots of chewing gum and drinking coffee/tea on those days... I very much try not to give in - because if I do it may very much end up in a very bad binge and I know this.
Jezzy - the weight gain - I have now come to play a game with myself - I don't freak out over small gains of 2-4 lbs - because I play the game of monitoring myself over the week after and the weight naturally just goes down again, so I KNOW I have the tools and most of all TRUST in myself to keep monitoring and maintaining - never letting things get out of hand over a long-term period. A weekend of a restaurant/pub/silly food eating - wil not reflect in the grand scheme of things because at the end of the day - we do not eat out at restaurants every day. We have control on our daily schedules and the weight WILL go down with a little more careful planning over the next week or two. I think it may be helpful for you to play this game too - actually CONSCIOUSLY LET YOURSELF GAIN SOME WEIGHT and enjoy the process. ALLOW yourself to have a night 'off' and have a full-fat meal (not too much though - I find I need to watch what I order - my stomach is NOT used to fatty and processed food - so I pay for it next day with terrible stomach cramps!). But I mean - let yoursel off and actually EXPECT a small gain. It's normal. And then - just go back the next day to your usual routine - within a week the weight will come off and you will ACTIVELY SEE that your lifestyle (which is now NORMAL for you!) actually balances such activities and events out. --- this sort of exercise will reflect positively on your state of mind about food and weight - you will no longer want to lose - you will actually start to see the importance of maintaining what you HAVE. (sorry if I don't make a lot of sense?) ...
As per the body image... I can sympathise - and the belly will NOT go away. The thing is - I have told myself to 'get over it' and not entertain vain issues of surgery. I mean at the end of the day - unless the problem actually HINDERS me in some way in my life - then it's not a problem. A lot of the time it's only an issue to yourself. I now have an absolutely FLAT chest (I'm not joking - it's as flat as an adolescent boy), an 'ethiopian' sticky outy belly and stick thin legs. My body is - for the lack of a better word - ugly; rather disproportionate and wonky - and completely unfeminine. Sometimes it does bother me - but at the end of the day - it will only bother other people if I made a fuss out of it. Vanity on such a level is unecessary - and unless it's actually causing a serious medical condition (either mental or physical) - then I, personally cannot justify it. Too expensive - money that can be better spent elsewhere. The key is to just get on with life - these problems are insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
In other news - my sense of taste is slowly returning too (thank god!!) and I found that my teeth were actually extremely sensitive following the sugar binge!! It's amazing how much sugar can do?? Numb your taste, make your teeth extra sensitive and turn your cravings/blood sugars/stomach/intestines upside down. !!
Wow. --- Lesson learned - everything in moderation; small tiny bits of chocolate (via. Chocolate Tasting Club!) is all that's needed to enjoy life but not to overdo it. Now I need to somehow figure out how to calm my family down... They're increasingly getting 'worried' about me - even though I don't live with them... I wonder how much they speculate and discuss without me being there! My partner is looking after me and knows how to make sure I slowly push my boundaries when I'm ready.... and in some way, living with his parents here at the moment has reintroduced some food 'normality' too - they have healthy meals cooked (his mum is a neverending serial dieter) at a certain time, we sit down and have it together. I don't really have control over what goes in - but I have control over how much I HAVE of it - which has definitely reinforced the control and discipline aspect which is CRUCIAL for me. I am free to dictate how much goes on my plate - and a lot of people struggle with this concept and feel pressured if someone else serves them - or if someone else cooks for them. No - it's not rude to ask if you can serve yourself!
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
I guess I need to sit down and have a think about this. Why is it - that all of a sudden, in the last week and a half - it has been excruciatingly hard to control my behaviour? And I do mean - to the point that I cannot actually stop myself from going and 'secret eating' in the kitchen. Like I can't seem to feel full up at all. ... That hasn't been such a major problem before - I mean, it was HARD, but I was ABLE to CONTROL myself and choose NOT TO go and eat. ... now I seem to can't say no? ... ... ... It makes me confused, and a little angry, and a bit guilty, and a bit confused (yes even more so).
I am very much trying to keep a level head - at the moment I am living with my partner's parents in their house - so all my previous routines, rules and habits what-not have been broken. Of course I have rebuilt a few boundaries - and I TRY to keep to them...
I have to think about this rationally. Why is it that I can't seem to satisfy my hunger lately?
1) I am being rushed at meal-times. ... simple, but true. I have to eat much more quickly - so I don't get to enjoy my food and take my time to eat it as I did previously at home. ... I can't eat with my chopsticks here and I can't take more than 15 minutes eating (when previously I'd take about 45 minutes to enjoy and get the SATISFACTION). ... instead I feel quite FLUSTERED and RUSHED... and I have noticed this before - if I am rushed or stressed to hurry up when I eat (especially in restaurants) - I start to hoover everything up in my way because I can't get the satisfaction from it. --- It's like I keep chasing the NEED to feel emotionally full the whole time - which I normally get by taking a very long time eating my meal.
This issue will get resolved once I move out of here - so I can slowly get back into unrushed food enjoyment again.
2) Lots of tempting snacks on the back of chasing satisfaction. ... lots of snacky food - sweets, cheese, meat, crisps, nuts, seeds, bread (my weakness...), muesli is in my way of chasing satisfaction. Doesn't help that the house is full of them. Yes, I should be able to control myself - and I try. I try so very hard. When I find myself in the biscuit tin - I try to limit the damage by saying - "one more and then put the rest away". ... now then, how often that tactic works is another question entirely ...
3) Water weight and physical/chemical awakening. ... This may sound silly... But I guess I have a theory about this. Up until now I haven't actually HAD any WATER WEIGHT. I know this because after every (small calorie) meal I'd run out of energy very, very quickly - go quite light headed and lethargic within about 2-3 hours of eating. Water weight is what gives us the energy to be able to function when we can't eat at regular intervals; it's stored energy for times when we can't feed ourselves etc. So it's something we actually SHOULD have.
But on the back of this - because I was functioning outside of the water-weight energy stores; I suppose my body was always dipping into the 'starvation mode' energy depletion stages - which as we know - decreases hunger. ... So now that I am GAINING some water weight back - my body is WAKING UP from the 'starvation mode' and chemically - my body is shouting for more food to go back to it's natural state which is ... well, lets say - not at my current BMI! My body chemically is craving to get back some energy stores, because my body is predisposed to be a 'storer' for 'famine times'.
4) Invincibility Mode - misguided conception that I won't gain no matter how much I eat. ... Sounds stupid - but it's true. For some reason, somewhere, my brain is convinced that I will not gain weight if I eat too much cake. I've had a few nights/days when I'd overeaten completely, and not gained weight. Or if I had - after a careful day or two it would drop back down to whatever it was. ... So a smal yo-yo of the waterweight... and this in turn has made my brain believe that I can keep on overeating and nothing will happen. ... Which is very retarded - I know. I have to keep reminding my brain that it's not how it works - especially with the way my body is chemically contructed; I put away fat stores very easily due to my genetic make-up.
5) Justification in excuses. - I keep justifying my binge days with the notion that I "need" to gain some weight. While it is true, I do need to put on some weight because I'm unhappy being so close to the BMI marker of the underweight category - at the same time I can't use that as an excuse for UNHEALTHY binges. I need to find a way to doing this sensibly. ... but I do keep justifying my behaviour (bad behaviour) that once I move out of this house with some added weight - I will be able to maintain it in my new house because there won't be all the temptation around and I will be able to get back MY OWN ROUTINE and MY OWN RULES.
A part of me wants to let myself go a little bit while I'm here and give in to the pressures from my boyfriend and the family here 'to eat more' because 'I'm so thin' blah blah blah... Getting told that so often makes me binge just to shut them up. Like - overeating a shove in their face; and to punish myself in the process.
I guess, I needed to vent a bit and try to explore as to why I can't seem to control myself lately. I do try to fight this - but on certain nights it's so much harder not to find myself in the kitchen, eating spoonfuls of muesli out of the packet. ... What a sad place to be.
... ... It makes me confused, and a little angry, and a bit guilty, and a bit confused (yes even more so).I am very much trying to keep a level head - at the moment I am living with my partner's parents in their house - so all my previous routines, rules and habits what-not have been broken. Of course I have rebuilt a few boundaries - and I TRY to keep to them...
I have to think about this rationally. Why is it that I can't seem to satisfy my hunger lately?
1) I am being rushed at meal-times. ... simple, but true. I have to eat much more quickly - so I don't get to enjoy my food and take my time to eat it as I did previously at home. ... I can't eat with my chopsticks here and I can't take more than 15 minutes eating (when previously I'd take about 45 minutes to enjoy and get the SATISFACTION). ... instead I feel quite FLUSTERED and RUSHED... and I have noticed this before - if I am rushed or stressed to hurry up when I eat (especially in restaurants) - I start to hoover everything up in my way because I can't get the satisfaction from it. --- It's like I keep chasing the NEED to feel emotionally full the whole time - which I normally get by taking a very long time eating my meal.
This issue will get resolved once I move out of here - so I can slowly get back into unrushed food enjoyment again.
2) Lots of tempting snacks on the back of chasing satisfaction. ... lots of snacky food - sweets, cheese, meat, crisps, nuts, seeds, bread (my weakness...), muesli is in my way of chasing satisfaction. Doesn't help that the house is full of them. Yes, I should be able to control myself - and I try. I try so very hard. When I find myself in the biscuit tin - I try to limit the damage by saying - "one more and then put the rest away". ... now then, how often that tactic works is another question entirely ...
3) Water weight and physical/chemical awakening. ... This may sound silly... But I guess I have a theory about this. Up until now I haven't actually HAD any WATER WEIGHT. I know this because after every (small calorie) meal I'd run out of energy very, very quickly - go quite light headed and lethargic within about 2-3 hours of eating. Water weight is what gives us the energy to be able to function when we can't eat at regular intervals; it's stored energy for times when we can't feed ourselves etc. So it's something we actually SHOULD have.
But on the back of this - because I was functioning outside of the water-weight energy stores; I suppose my body was always dipping into the 'starvation mode' energy depletion stages - which as we know - decreases hunger. ... So now that I am GAINING some water weight back - my body is WAKING UP from the 'starvation mode' and chemically - my body is shouting for more food to go back to it's natural state which is ... well, lets say - not at my current BMI! My body chemically is craving to get back some energy stores, because my body is predisposed to be a 'storer' for 'famine times'.
4) Invincibility Mode - misguided conception that I won't gain no matter how much I eat. ... Sounds stupid - but it's true. For some reason, somewhere, my brain is convinced that I will not gain weight if I eat too much cake. I've had a few nights/days when I'd overeaten completely, and not gained weight. Or if I had - after a careful day or two it would drop back down to whatever it was. ... So a smal yo-yo of the waterweight... and this in turn has made my brain believe that I can keep on overeating and nothing will happen. ... Which is very retarded - I know. I have to keep reminding my brain that it's not how it works - especially with the way my body is chemically contructed; I put away fat stores very easily due to my genetic make-up.
5) Justification in excuses. - I keep justifying my binge days with the notion that I "need" to gain some weight. While it is true, I do need to put on some weight because I'm unhappy being so close to the BMI marker of the underweight category - at the same time I can't use that as an excuse for UNHEALTHY binges. I need to find a way to doing this sensibly. ... but I do keep justifying my behaviour (bad behaviour) that once I move out of this house with some added weight - I will be able to maintain it in my new house because there won't be all the temptation around and I will be able to get back MY OWN ROUTINE and MY OWN RULES.
A part of me wants to let myself go a little bit while I'm here and give in to the pressures from my boyfriend and the family here 'to eat more' because 'I'm so thin' blah blah blah... Getting told that so often makes me binge just to shut them up. Like - overeating a shove in their face; and to punish myself in the process.
I guess, I needed to vent a bit and try to explore as to why I can't seem to control myself lately. I do try to fight this - but on certain nights it's so much harder not to find myself in the kitchen, eating spoonfuls of muesli out of the packet. ... What a sad place to be.
MiniMimi2091
running strictly on fat!
Hello Minerva,
I've been lurking in the background for a while and found your diary a big help for myself as well. While not at the stage of maintaining yet I am getting ready to be able to deal with it fairly soon.
I am reading your posts and your relationship with food (and ways of dealing with it) seem to refflect my own experience...
Thank you so much for sharing - and good luck with your ongoing battle...
Lots of love - Chloe xxx
I've been lurking in the background for a while and found your diary a big help for myself as well. While not at the stage of maintaining yet I am getting ready to be able to deal with it fairly soon.
I am reading your posts and your relationship with food (and ways of dealing with it) seem to refflect my own experience...
Thank you so much for sharing - and good luck with your ongoing battle...
Lots of love - Chloe xxx
Gemma79
I will do this!
I guess I need to sit down and have a think about this. Why is it - that all of a sudden, in the last week and a half - it has been excruciatingly hard to control my behavior? And I do mean - to the point that I cannot actually stop myself from going and 'secret eating' in the kitchen. Like I can't seem to feel full up at all. ... That hasn't been such a major problem before - I mean, it was HARD, but I was ABLE to CONTROL myself and choose NOT TO go and eat. ... now I seem to can't say no? ...
I could have written this myself! I'm in a place I don't want to be right now... must get out of this hole.. clinging to the edges and will get out. Tomorrow is a new day and written myself a plan to help me stick to food goals and not just eat and eat. Hate this feeling of anxiety I am experiencing. Will do some thought logs later and try to help myself get over this hurdle.
Will write more and explain when things look different tomorrow.
Thanks min for always writing and sharing so openly x
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
You're welcome Gemma, I hope ... that even if it helps to know that you're not alone - it's a little easier....
I find myself at the bottom of the binge bin now. Long periods of deprivation have opened the floodgate. I find that I need to eat and eat and god it hurts, my stomach hurts, yet I still eat and I eat, I scream inside my head STOP but I can't, I pick up the next piece and stick it in my mouth, not even stopping to chew ...
What is that? Why is there so much desperation? I have some sort of fear of "running out of food", so like a squirrel I stuff it all in, as much as I can find while it's all still here - then I try to find more, just in case I'll run out later. ... I am very much trying not to fall into a punishment cycle, or a guilt cycle - because that will make it all worse, but keeping a 'blind' eye to it as it were is also not helpful.
I know the reasons for this too - I am lacking control in my life at the moment, and I have no control over the house buying business - delays and uncertainties of living conditions; lack of motivation to do my coursework, not being able to make my own decisions... It all adds up. Boredom is a big factor too. Idleness. ... Then the aspect of "unclaimed food" which lies around the place - back at my house I knew exactly what was in the house; and it had a certain purpose, and it belonged to either myself or my partner. Here - there is an abundance, and it belongs to no one. If it is gone, no one will miss it. It is a 'free for all' to have.
......too little structure, and too much uncertainty... makes Minerva a little... crazy......
Though, having the 'water weight' back has been nice. It's not actually a chore to go for a walk? I am GENERATING my own heat?? I FEEL WARM!!! For the first time in two years I'm actually WARM! ... I HAVE energy to think, to remember things, to CARE about other people (yes that sounds odd - but I guess there's a reason why 'thin' people are sometimes very cold and isolated, and 'fat' people bubbly and friendly)... Previously I honestly didn't have the energy to be nice to people, I was snappy and irritable... now it doesn't feel like a chore, I'm almost ... how I used to be. I have enough energy to have fun.
... I really need to find a balance - so, out of the controlled and structured cold world I have jumped into the unstructured, wooly and chaotic. Now I find myself scrambling around in the balls of messy string, trying to find start again. I know I'll get there, I'll find it - as long as I keep trying.
I will NOT give up on myself. I have come too far. ... even if it does take a few more binge days, a few more weeks of uncertainty and flux - but I know I'll get there. I just need to come to terms that I may end up a little 'heavier'. ... but that's ok. My comfort 'margin' is a very large one. It's NOT an excuse. I NEED to keep an eye on this. But hopefully, I'll come out triumphant at the other end and be actually able to feel SEXY again. Be able to buy size 10 clothes that FIT. -- I hate the fact that at the moment size 8 trousers are uncomfortably loose in most shops, it makes me feel ugly. --- but it's not an excuse. I must not let it be an excuse as I have for a couple of days now; telling myself "oh well - you need to gain a few pounds anyway"...
But like I said. I need to keep an eye. I need to remain vigilent, and keep working on controlling the binge eating disorder.
I find myself at the bottom of the binge bin now. Long periods of deprivation have opened the floodgate. I find that I need to eat and eat and god it hurts, my stomach hurts, yet I still eat and I eat, I scream inside my head STOP but I can't, I pick up the next piece and stick it in my mouth, not even stopping to chew ...
What is that? Why is there so much desperation? I have some sort of fear of "running out of food", so like a squirrel I stuff it all in, as much as I can find while it's all still here - then I try to find more, just in case I'll run out later. ... I am very much trying not to fall into a punishment cycle, or a guilt cycle - because that will make it all worse, but keeping a 'blind' eye to it as it were is also not helpful.
I know the reasons for this too - I am lacking control in my life at the moment, and I have no control over the house buying business - delays and uncertainties of living conditions; lack of motivation to do my coursework, not being able to make my own decisions... It all adds up. Boredom is a big factor too. Idleness. ... Then the aspect of "unclaimed food" which lies around the place - back at my house I knew exactly what was in the house; and it had a certain purpose, and it belonged to either myself or my partner. Here - there is an abundance, and it belongs to no one. If it is gone, no one will miss it. It is a 'free for all' to have.
......too little structure, and too much uncertainty... makes Minerva a little... crazy......
Though, having the 'water weight' back has been nice. It's not actually a chore to go for a walk? I am GENERATING my own heat?? I FEEL WARM!!! For the first time in two years I'm actually WARM! ... I HAVE energy to think, to remember things, to CARE about other people (yes that sounds odd - but I guess there's a reason why 'thin' people are sometimes very cold and isolated, and 'fat' people bubbly and friendly)... Previously I honestly didn't have the energy to be nice to people, I was snappy and irritable... now it doesn't feel like a chore, I'm almost ... how I used to be. I have enough energy to have fun.
... I really need to find a balance - so, out of the controlled and structured cold world I have jumped into the unstructured, wooly and chaotic. Now I find myself scrambling around in the balls of messy string, trying to find start again. I know I'll get there, I'll find it - as long as I keep trying.
I will NOT give up on myself. I have come too far. ... even if it does take a few more binge days, a few more weeks of uncertainty and flux - but I know I'll get there. I just need to come to terms that I may end up a little 'heavier'. ... but that's ok. My comfort 'margin' is a very large one. It's NOT an excuse. I NEED to keep an eye on this. But hopefully, I'll come out triumphant at the other end and be actually able to feel SEXY again. Be able to buy size 10 clothes that FIT. -- I hate the fact that at the moment size 8 trousers are uncomfortably loose in most shops, it makes me feel ugly. --- but it's not an excuse. I must not let it be an excuse as I have for a couple of days now; telling myself "oh well - you need to gain a few pounds anyway"...
But like I said. I need to keep an eye. I need to remain vigilent, and keep working on controlling the binge eating disorder.
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Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
It's nice to have energy - and I have gained some weight at an alarmingly fast pace (unsurprisingly to be honest). I'm not too worried about the weight as such as clothes feel like they fit me better now, so it's good. But I guess it's the need to stop and keep it here which is important.
The binge period is almost like a devastation in a sense to the TRUE realisation that my physiology (genetically and physically) cannot handle fatty, sugary and overprocessed food. It can't handle a lot of it either - so I suppose over the last couple of weeks, somewhere deep down I have gone into a 'mourning period' of the losses I will face for the rest of my life. While I do enjoy eating fresh fruit, vegetables, pulses etc - what most people would call 'healthy' food (though it's pretty normal for me); there is always a yearning deep down for the unhealthy things (mostly savoury carbohydrate laden things for some reason). Bread is my only true weakness - it is the ultimate comfort food. I am fine if I don't touch the stuff. I am fine with dark rye, Ryvitas, etc... but white bread... that is a killer! I know I may very well need to stay away from it for a while longer until I can control myself around it a little better. I know I'll crack it one day (I was able to stop myself after a few slices today...) - but it's an ongoing process.
I am working on not giving in to temptation, curbing my binge behaviour before it spirals out of control for the rest of the day.
Stupidly enough - this may seem like a weird thing - but before the major binge episodes happened I had run out of chewing gum and could not get any more for about a week due to curcumstances. ... And this is a very detrimental coping technique. I find that I am one of those people who NEEDS to be CHEWING SOMETHING ALL THE TIME. I go crazy if I'm not chewing something - hence I feel the need to find something to eat, and when I run out of the chewable food - i go looking for more, and more just to keep on chewing something (even if I'm in severe pain because I'm full of food). I suppose it's part of the 'restocking the energy stores' genetic predisposition that I have. I'm in an unnatural state of body composition, therefore my body wants to lay down the fat stores in case a great famine comes.
I was able to get some chewing gum on Thursday and since then I've found my behaviour a little less desperate. I still need to watch how much I eat at mealtimes (oh the temptation!), but the after-meal binge frenzy cravings are much less bothersome because the first thing I do is stick a piece of gum in my mouth. After about 2-3 minutes the DESPAIR of NEEDING FOOD is very much subdued. It's still there but definitely much more manageable. I can say 'no' to it much more easily.
I did find it quite strange how STRONG CRAVING DESIRE can be. It literally MAKES YOU GET UP AND GO AND EAT. ... I know there is choice in our decisions and all that, and I have very strong willpower - but when it screams so loud that you literally can't do anything until you fulfil that desire - f*ck - I didn't realise how bad it can be. I had forgotten because my coping mechanisms (i.e. gum and coffee/water drinking) had muted it all quite a lot.
First step to recovery: Gum after mealtimes not to get compulsion to eat more.
Second step: if a binge DOES come - put fruit and vegetables in front of myself. That way the guilt of a binge is lessened. Plus - the fibre content in the veg prevents me from OVEREATING it - unlike carbs/chocolate/etc - which you can stuff and stuff some more in; plus calorie density is another factor which is addressed.
Third step: I can hear the voice of reason to stop. But the greedy desire compels for more. Need to slow down eating again. Because I feel so rushed every time I eat now - I don't get the satisfaction I used to get from food, which I only get if I eat AT MY OWN PACE. I need to work something out here... But I feel it will get resolved when I have control over my own food again (i.e. at my own house).
So... Ok. Wish me luck. I am curbing my behaviour back slowly - if I do it too quick it's all too easy to break. That's why running into a starvation diet for many doesn't work - after about 3-4 days many throw in the towel due to too many restrictions and deprivations.
I made that mistake earier this week actually. After a fairly heavy weekend, I stopped eating carbs altogether and really limiting everything (like I used to for months before)... on the fourth day I couldn't stop eating ALL DAY - I ate everything in my path, my brain was in overdrive seeking out food from memory (i.e. cookies seen in cupboard a week ago - check if they're there). This scared me very much. Very, very, very much.
I musn't let this get out of control. ... Wait. Not "musn't". I WON'T let it get out of control. I AM IN CONTROL. I CAN DO THIS.
Reaffirm positive behaviour. Reaffirm good choices (even if they are made after a bad one). Punishment is not the right way to go - I will not give attention to "bad" behaviour. It's like giving in to a naughty child. If I give attention to "naughty" behaviour I will become preoccupied to chasing it, correcting it, and as a consequence encouraging it. ... I must concentrate on the good, reward myself for every positive step that I take, that way, association with positive feelings will become paramount goal of all choices.
That's the theory anyway. It's a long term process. This episode is a learning experience - and it's teaching me that I mustn't become too involved in my comfort spaces and boundaries and routines - because in the real world- change happens all the time, and we must be prepared to tackle changes; otherwise the flux will throw EVERYTHING out of balance.
The binge period is almost like a devastation in a sense to the TRUE realisation that my physiology (genetically and physically) cannot handle fatty, sugary and overprocessed food. It can't handle a lot of it either - so I suppose over the last couple of weeks, somewhere deep down I have gone into a 'mourning period' of the losses I will face for the rest of my life. While I do enjoy eating fresh fruit, vegetables, pulses etc - what most people would call 'healthy' food (though it's pretty normal for me); there is always a yearning deep down for the unhealthy things (mostly savoury carbohydrate laden things for some reason). Bread is my only true weakness - it is the ultimate comfort food. I am fine if I don't touch the stuff. I am fine with dark rye, Ryvitas, etc... but white bread... that is a killer! I know I may very well need to stay away from it for a while longer until I can control myself around it a little better. I know I'll crack it one day (I was able to stop myself after a few slices today...) - but it's an ongoing process.
I am working on not giving in to temptation, curbing my binge behaviour before it spirals out of control for the rest of the day.
Stupidly enough - this may seem like a weird thing - but before the major binge episodes happened I had run out of chewing gum and could not get any more for about a week due to curcumstances. ... And this is a very detrimental coping technique. I find that I am one of those people who NEEDS to be CHEWING SOMETHING ALL THE TIME. I go crazy if I'm not chewing something - hence I feel the need to find something to eat, and when I run out of the chewable food - i go looking for more, and more just to keep on chewing something (even if I'm in severe pain because I'm full of food). I suppose it's part of the 'restocking the energy stores' genetic predisposition that I have. I'm in an unnatural state of body composition, therefore my body wants to lay down the fat stores in case a great famine comes.
I was able to get some chewing gum on Thursday and since then I've found my behaviour a little less desperate. I still need to watch how much I eat at mealtimes (oh the temptation!), but the after-meal binge frenzy cravings are much less bothersome because the first thing I do is stick a piece of gum in my mouth. After about 2-3 minutes the DESPAIR of NEEDING FOOD is very much subdued. It's still there but definitely much more manageable. I can say 'no' to it much more easily.
I did find it quite strange how STRONG CRAVING DESIRE can be. It literally MAKES YOU GET UP AND GO AND EAT. ... I know there is choice in our decisions and all that, and I have very strong willpower - but when it screams so loud that you literally can't do anything until you fulfil that desire - f*ck - I didn't realise how bad it can be. I had forgotten because my coping mechanisms (i.e. gum and coffee/water drinking) had muted it all quite a lot.
First step to recovery: Gum after mealtimes not to get compulsion to eat more.
Second step: if a binge DOES come - put fruit and vegetables in front of myself. That way the guilt of a binge is lessened. Plus - the fibre content in the veg prevents me from OVEREATING it - unlike carbs/chocolate/etc - which you can stuff and stuff some more in; plus calorie density is another factor which is addressed.
Third step: I can hear the voice of reason to stop. But the greedy desire compels for more. Need to slow down eating again. Because I feel so rushed every time I eat now - I don't get the satisfaction I used to get from food, which I only get if I eat AT MY OWN PACE. I need to work something out here... But I feel it will get resolved when I have control over my own food again (i.e. at my own house).
So... Ok. Wish me luck. I am curbing my behaviour back slowly - if I do it too quick it's all too easy to break. That's why running into a starvation diet for many doesn't work - after about 3-4 days many throw in the towel due to too many restrictions and deprivations.
I made that mistake earier this week actually. After a fairly heavy weekend, I stopped eating carbs altogether and really limiting everything (like I used to for months before)... on the fourth day I couldn't stop eating ALL DAY - I ate everything in my path, my brain was in overdrive seeking out food from memory (i.e. cookies seen in cupboard a week ago - check if they're there). This scared me very much. Very, very, very much.
I musn't let this get out of control. ... Wait. Not "musn't". I WON'T let it get out of control. I AM IN CONTROL. I CAN DO THIS.
Reaffirm positive behaviour. Reaffirm good choices (even if they are made after a bad one). Punishment is not the right way to go - I will not give attention to "bad" behaviour. It's like giving in to a naughty child. If I give attention to "naughty" behaviour I will become preoccupied to chasing it, correcting it, and as a consequence encouraging it. ... I must concentrate on the good, reward myself for every positive step that I take, that way, association with positive feelings will become paramount goal of all choices.
That's the theory anyway. It's a long term process. This episode is a learning experience - and it's teaching me that I mustn't become too involved in my comfort spaces and boundaries and routines - because in the real world- change happens all the time, and we must be prepared to tackle changes; otherwise the flux will throw EVERYTHING out of balance.
