my diary ~ no more CD for me

[kati]

why is it that whenever I get on track to help myself something happens to knock me off that track?

Food used to be a comfort, I don't know if the taste helped or what but just the feeling of having a full stomach used to be comforting. Maybe I thouht if I was full then I couldn't feel empty? I dont know. But now that isnt a comfort any more, so what can I do for comfort?

 

[kati]

was interrupted for a while there, will continue but cant remember what i was going to say...

anyway...what can I do to feel comforted? I can't eat, I can't drink, I dont smoke, I can't hide away in bed, I have no one to give me hugs to make me feel better, what else is there?

drank 5 litres of water by 1 o clock today but it didn't feel like it. The day seemed soooooo long. I only took 1 bar to work with me and had ended up eating that by 10 30 out of pure boredom I think. That made the afternoon extra hard. then had pressure to o to my mams for tea. i had to go because my kids were there.

did i update here yesterday? I am not sure...yesterday was hard at work too but managed to drink 4.5 litres of water and got through it eventually. Didn't sleep much, that makes the days longer as well.

I need to do something to stop me moaning I think

 

[cazmaz_irl]

Ha Ha,,,your wish is my command, fair maiden LMFAO...

 

[KateF]

Hello!

Nikki, you're so right, the two and a half stone before and sticking to it for ages and ages was a real achievement that most people can't manage.

The 60 day pact seems a brilliant thing- a really good incentive.

I've asked myself the same question as you about what I can do for comfort without food- and haven't found an answer at all! I know I'd like to be in a relationship really and am trying to figure out ways to overcome my fears about that. (instead of going out with mad poets).

At the moment keeping busy is helping me and looking to the future by planning work things I can do like gigs etc. That's my escape really. I know it wouldn't work for everyone though.

Good luck anyway with this round-
I'm hoping to get down to and stay at 10 stone 2 this time. I think if I make it all the way to target I'm more likely to stay there.

 

[Brightness]

Hi Nikki,

How are you doing now? I don't think we've met before but i was just reading your thread

Is that a little Blenheim Cavalier I see in your avatar? want another one? My two are in the doghouse

 

[kati]

Hi Kate lovely to see you on here again I didn't quite stick to the whole loss i had for the whole 4 months i wasnt really dieting but wasnt too far off and have done something about it before it got out of hand so I am really happy with that.

Glad your work is going well and keeping you busy, good luck with getting to your goal, you di fantastically last time I'm sure youll manage it.


Donna, thanks for pooping in. I'm doing much better today much happier and no problems ssing at all. Yes that is my little cavalier, he's very sweet but needs a lot of attention. I'm sure he'd love a doggy playmate but not sure I could cope with 2 of them!!! what have yours done to be in trouble?

 

[kati]

I've had a very positive day today, although ate 4 1/2 packs but thats ok cos it was better than having food. I havent drank nearly enouh water either, maybe only a couple of litres. that could be why i have a headache.

11 stone 2 today according to my scales, wont be long before i hit the 10's now woohoo!

I had a bit of a breakthrough today in my self esteem I think. I found myself flirting shamelessly at work with one of the customers (a dentist and I was very aware that I'd just had a sneaky bite of a cd bar and a bit was stuck to my teeth so was hoping it wasnt on show lol since i was makin his food I coldnt do much to et it off) oh well anyway... I was flirting away, i just couldnt help myself but the weird thing was he was doing the same thing and I could tell he was!! in the past I wouldnt dare because I'd just think I'd be makin a fool out of myself and he'd be thinking ew get away from me you horrible woman. But today I felt good about myself because of that. (also I know it's frowned on by many but I did see men cranin their neck to look at me as they drove past today too and I dont care what anyone thinks, it felt good to know they would want to look)

So, I'm lookin good, feeling good and doing good on CD. could I ask for more? oh yes a cleaner.

Oh and mr wales has finally come to is senses and decided he does actually want me. hmm is this what i want? its a long drive there and I dont think my little car could make it and he works somethin like 100 hours a week, even sleeps there sometimes cos he cant get away. would I be happy with that? not sure, big thing to think about. Although i think his self esteem is actually lower than mine!!! and he has admitted he gets jealous easily, dont mind a bit of jealousy but it depends how he acts on it for whether its a problem. Cant have someone rulin my life because of it and if I'm not trusted then it not worth the hassle, no matter who it is.

I'm so glad its saturday tomorrow so I can have a lie in all these early mornins arent good for a girl of my age. I need my beauty sleep. And to burn off calories in my sleep so I can wake up at 10 13 tomorrow
or preferably 9 13
or even better 8 13 lol

dont ask for much do i?

Ok so I'm rambling, I'll shut up now

 

[cazmaz_irl]

Ooooh ya never told me about the breakthrough with Mr Wales, mmmm we need to talk more, is that possible... me thinks not LOL

 

[kati]

i havent done very well with my diary lately, oh well. Haven't done great with the diet either but getting back on track with that. Had a few things to put me off it firstly (hate to say this but..) it did affect me that caz didnt stick to ssing I understand that there was a reason for it but I let myself off sticking to it when i shouldnt have. Also the Mr Wales thing ..well why on earth did i let that have anything to do with it? It was so nice to see him and amazingly felt very comfortable together but then he went away again and who knows when he'll be back. We're constantly in touch but still not together. I've never had any kind of long distance thing going on before and it's something I cant imagine wanting for a long time. maybe in too deep too soon, not sure, does it make a difference when you've been friends for a long time first?

anyway, must get back into ssing. Apparently my mother is getting married on some foreign shore so need to be looking fantastic for the photos. dont know where or when it'll be though. Could be next year could be a long time. who knows?

kiddies are home now, still the school holidays (do they ever end?) but back to school on monday yay! cant wait for saturday so I can laze in bed for as long as I want (or till the kids beg to go somewhere) then ive been talked into taking kids and dog to the lake district on sunday. I'm going to be knackered on sunday night. Oh well at least it'll stop me wondering about how I could go to wales for a weekend lol

hmm i need to give myself a good talking to, nothing might ever come of it.

 

[kati]

feeling a bit fed up and empty today. I'm trying to SS yet all i want to do is stuff myself. i feel huge and bloated already so filling myself full of food wont make me feel much worse tonight

the wedding plans for my mam have changed to this summer, possibly as soon as june depending on if they can get somewhere to go, but since they want to do it midweek it probably ont be too hard. I got told today I'm expected to go looking for dresses with everyone else either this weekend or next and all I can think of is urgh I look so big I cant possibly get anything yet....yet I'm the thinnest if us all but that doesnt make a difference to me. I just feel horrible and I think we're all going to look silly but i cant get out of it cos its my mothers wedding.

I'm also fed up cos of Mr Wales. with him its been a constant battle one way or another I think. I am thinking maybe he just likes the thrill of the chase or he just doesn't know what he wants, or just circumstances are all wrong. For almost a year he constantly tried to get me to agree to see him then when i finally decided I really liked him and was available, so would like to try for more something happened to stop it being possible then, that was overcome then he got sent to wales temporarily and has been there a few months now. He decided that since he's still uphere regularly anyway that he wanted to actually make more of an effort because he said he "loves me and cant stop thinking about me" and was going to try and get a permanent position back up here. Well he did get offered a job up here, but he also got offered another contract for what he's doing in wales and also a permanent contract doing something else with a huge raise. He said he hasn't deecided what he's doing yet but anyone would go for the huge raise and better position wouldnt they. So look slike thats over as soon as it started as well. Which I'm a bit gutted about because well I suppose if you're read my diary for a long time you might remember I've liked him for a long time and being offered the chance to actually be together I allowed myself to feel much more than before because it was finally allowed. Now it's not and i have to not let it show I'm so disappointed so I dont make him feel bad bout mesing me about again. (ok I know its not his fault but still..)

So there you go, it might not seem too much to everyone else but ssing while feeling depressed is sooo hard.

 

[kazbro]

:hug99: sorry you are feeling so down
you are right it is hard to ss when feeling so low
but you have done so well so far so try and concentrate on that for now
sod mr.wales and think of you and why you want to be slimmer
dont know what else to say but i hope you feel better soon
kaz xx

 

[kati]

Thanks Kaz, funnily enough was just posting on your diary at the same time (hope you dont mind). I know I should say sod him but it's hard at the minute, wont be forever I'll get over it soon enough.

also forgot to mention my foot hurts. It's been sore for months now, mainly when i've done lots of walking or if you squeeze it from the sides (agony!!) (if you squeeze top to bottom doesnt hurt at all, weird) but anyway I seemed to bang my foot on absolutely nothing this afternoon and my foot has been really sore ever since without squeezing in any direction. ouch!!!

Mrs stick insect announced today that she's going on a diet from monday because she's put on so much weight she cant get into her clothes any more!! She who always says she couldnt be bothered to watch her weight because life's not worth the hassle, has gained a stone in a month and is now panicking. She actually looks so much better with that extra stone, she has a womanly figure now as opposed to being skin and bone, she's prettier even. I've worked out that her bmi now is about 22 and before it was about 19 so it is good to see how much better somoeone looks with a healthy bmi rathe than being underweight. It's made me see that being skinny isnt all that good after all.

However....why do I want to be slimmer? hmm I'm not sure

1) I want to lose the flabby belly

2) I want to feel more confident about myself

3) I want to be able to wear skirts in summer without having my legs rub together and get sore

4) I dont want a roll of flab between my belly and boobs because it makes it uncomfortable to sit as I am.

5) vain I know but I want to turn heads! (oh yeah who says I can't?)

6) I don't want to feel jealous of people who are thin because i feel like I'll never be like that.

7) I want to see 2 single figure numbers on the scales instead of 2 double figures

 

[KateF]

Sounds like good reasons mostly- though I'm glad you can see in someone else the consequences of TOO skinny.

V sorry about Mr Wales. I do think you SHOULD let him know how you feel though- don't hold the hurt in. It's different to saying "oi- my life's ruined cos of you you git". You wouldn't be doing that at all just by letting him know you've got feelings and are upset. You have a right to show them even if he can't do much about them.

xx

 

[kati]

Thanks Kate

I have let him know that i'm disappointed nd how I feel etc, but I need him to pick what is the right choice for him otherwise if I try to push one way or another i might be rejected later for it. I'm only going to make him mor econfused and make the decision harder if I keep saying that. I do understand it's better to tell him than to just let him go thinking I dont care

 

[kati]

i have been on my feet now for almost 12 hours...they are throbbing!!! I just sat down about 10 minutes ago. Of course I have been driving for a bit as well but thats not exactly reting when youre stuck in traffic and have to be constantly using the clutch (the left foot is the one that really really hurts)

anyway, after work I decided to go to the metro centre. i have been feeling very fat and frumpy so thought I'll go and try on some clothes and see if Ive put on too much weight already. So.. I still fit into size 12's but all my tops I've been wearing are still size 16 (mostly anyway) so I've bought some size 12 t shirts in primark hoping they will make me feel a bit better. the only thing with the metro centre is its full of mirrors so I spent 2 hours walking round cringeing at my reflection. could hve took the depressed route and bought food but I ddnt I came home, took the dog for a walk then made myself a cheese and broccoli soup and had a cranberry bar. anyone proud of me ? lol I am anyway.

I am aching all over its been such a busy day and hardly had any sleep cos the dog woke me up barking at 3 o clock then coldnt get back to sleep for ages, then he started again at 5 30 so pointless going back to sleep after that.

 

[kati]

ok I've come to the decision that me an CD just arent compatible any more. Its been great and I'm so much thinner than when i started it but not quite thin enough yet. However I'm not desperate enough to lose the weight to not eat now

I have become lazy since starting as I dont cook any healthy meals any more. I try not to buy carby stuff so I wont eat it but then I end up pigging out on bread at work or buying chocolate or crisps or something and that all needs to stop.

I've stopped eating as healthily as I did before I lost weight and since i cant get into ssing then I'm worse off than I was when I was heavier. So I've decided to make a conscious effort to get out of the rut I'm in and to make sure I dont regain everything I've lost. So I'm going to join weightwatchers. I wont go to the classes though I'll do it online. It seems to be cheaper (unless theres hidden extras) and I dont need the incentive of having someone weigh me and if I need support I have the lovely people here to turn to dont I?

I also need to start exercising too. I'm paying for a gym membership I dont use because I keep thinking it will hinder my weightloss while ssing (or trying to).

Aaand I'm so sick of having no clothes to wear. I daren't buy anything incase I get back into ssing properly then they wont fit for long enough to make it worth buying. so I dont mind a slower loss because id rather have healthier habits when i get thinner now, and I wont feel guilty for buying lots of clothes because I will get some wear out of them.

So there you go. I've thought long and hard about it. I've tried and tried to SS but it's just not for me. I'm constantly craving carbs, not bad stuff just things like jacket potatoes or sandwiches and things. I cant eat as much as I used to so portion control will be easier I just need to make sure I dont use the points on crappy food.

I never thought I'd say this but I'm not bothered about just losing weight any more, I just want to be fitter and healthier. Thats not a dig at CD, I know its full of vitamins and nutrients etc, but I cant live on it forever and I want to get myself into a way of eating I can be happy with forever.

 

[cazmaz_irl]

Woo Hoo, you go girl, its a natural progression after losing nearly two stone on CD.... we're no longer obese, just like other non CD'rs with the wish to lose a stone or so...so I for one will be behind ya all the way....

 

[kati]

thanks caroline. I'm feeling more positive since making the decision. Before I did I just wanted to eat and eat all the wrong things then after I thought well a cup of coffee will be fine. It's all in the head for definate. must get out of comfort eating etc