my diary ~ no more CD for me

Nikki (((((((hugs))))))). You and me both hun. I'm fed up of going the wrong direction too! Totally relate to what you are saying. I am just messing about and yo-yoing between the same 7lbs of glycogen. I wish I could give ya an answer but then I'd know what to do myself.

I so don't want to have a summer being fat either, but I've got to make a 100% commitment to doing this and get my finger out and get on with it!
 
its awful really wanting to get int the right place to diet again but not actually quite making it isnt it. we will do it eventually, something just has to click in our minds and we'll get there again. I just hope its sooner rather than later.

ok... I'm going to have to talk about a conversation I had on friday night. well more than just the conversation but well anyway ...

As you will know (unless this is the first post of my diary you have read) i was out with a friend for drink on friday night. there's no denying I've put on weight and have very little that fits me any more (well that would be true whether I'd gained weight or not) so I had on just a plain black top with my short black suede skirt, fishnet tights and knee high boots. I felt really fat and every drink I had made me feel fatter and fatter. so there you go just a bit of background..

Anyway...there's this bloke I've known for years. My friend used to see his brother for a while so met him through her. We have always got on well but thats it, we can have a good laugh and pass the time while my friend and his brother disappear off into another world and ignore us. I think I have mentioned him before in this diary but you'd have to trawl through lots of pages so wouldnt advise anyone to go looking for it, anyway, last time I saw him was not long before christmas and he kept commenting on my weight loss but nothing to make me think anything other than he'd noticed.

On friday night he said a lot more about it though...I have to say I always thought he was kind of an "I love me who do you love?" kind of person. Very sure of himself etc but maybe thats because I was fat so he thought he was better than me, whereas on friday night he was shoing his insecurities. He said something about how I'm doing great on my diet and in a couple of months I'll not want to talk to him because I'll be too good for him. I was shocked! I told him that losing weight doesn't turn me into a *****, I don't think that was realy the kind of reaction he wanted but thats what he got. He probably wanted me to boost his ego and tell him he would always be good enough but I didnt think of that at the time.

He did make a big thing about how I was starting to look really good but am not quite there yet (cheeky sod). He wanted me to point out which blokes in the pub I would go for so I did, he got all funny and was saying something about how he could never compete with someone like that.

Ok so maybe you're thinking is there a point to this? its just a typical bloke trying to chat you up kind of thing...well yes it is but it's something I just never expected. It's a big example of how people treat you differently when you're thinner. I pretty much said earlier on in my diary that if someone does this kind of thing with me then I wouldn't be happy, but I never expected it to come from someone like him. I never expected to see such a change in someone who I thought was extremely confident to being just as insecure as I am. Just having someone try to chat me up when they never gave me a second look before is what I expected, nothing more. And to know the kind of woman he goes for, then to have him go for me is also a shock, especially to have him saying that he thinks he isn't good enough for me to talk to (or rather wont be when Ive lost a bit more weight) is just very weird and quite frankly rather confusing.

I wonder if those insecurities were on show with him before and I just missed them because I had my own insecurities on my mind too much. I suppose I'll never know. Oh well I got lots of compliments from him anyway.

Just so you know though...he really isn't good enough for me. Lovely bloke but married. His wife knows he's been having affairs for the past four years but she ignores it and he carries on staying with her so he can see his kids and so he doesn't lose loads of money in a messy divorce. Someones only good enough for me if they'ree not going to o back to someone else as soon as they leave me
 
ok so I still put too much stock in what other people think of me. Maybe thats wrong but thats just me. I will probably never feel good enough for myself and will always find it odd if people do seem to think more highly of me than i do. I think it'll take a wile yet for my confidence to grow. I think I am finding it hard to diet again because my confidence is getting less again, but then thats probably partly because I'm finding it impssible. I've lost my willpower. But maybe I should remember those comments on friday about "almost" being perfect, or "in a couple of months" etc. surely I should be perfect no matter what my weight?
 
hi ya Nikki,,,don't knock yourself, CD SS is very hard to do and the first time is the easiest time, every slip after that makes it harder to the extent that even i'm worried about being able to do it for much longer, each break of the plan makes it sooooo much harder to go at again, its got to do with the fact our bodies want and appreciate the act of eating, so the not eating part is soooo sooo hard, confidence aside...:cry: :sigh: :D de smile at the end is cuz we'll get there regardless and you've lost so much weight already, maybe SS is just not the way,,,we'll figure it out eventually..LOL:D
 
those are very good points you've made there. It is sooo hard, not just because of the bodies wanting you to eat but because the intial feelings we had to start Cd in the first place are no longer there.

I'm having trouble with wanting everything I eat to have a very strong flavour, whereas the CD packs are all a bit bland, as is all the food we're allowed for 790. Must....lose....taste...buds.....

i cant even chew gum to stop me eatin cos it gives me ulcers, why?????????

I really need to get my house cleaned in the next week, really really. It's just the last thing I want to do after standing for 9 hours though, plus an hours drive on top of that. Oh well I'll get it done soon (hopefully at the weekend but that means I'll be doing nothing but cleaning all weekend) shame my battery on my ipod doesnt last 48 hours!

Wasn't impressed with the snow this morning. We had a few inches of it here, the dog escaped and i had to try and catch him when he knew I was going to go out and leave him so he was refusing to come home, then I had to defrost the car, take my sister to work then get to my work. I was only ooooh half an hour late!!!!! I was the only person in the shop till 10 so there will have been a few customers had to go without their morning coffee or breakfast. I was having a bad morning after that and seemed to do everything sooo slooowly for some reason. I forgot I was supposed to play milkman (woman) until the manager of the place I was supposed to deliver it to came in and said he'd save me the walk in the cold. luckily there was a customer in so he thought i was stuck in the shop rather than completely forgot lol

well that was pretty much the highlight of my day. now it's just sore feet and lots of mess and kids moaning for food, constantly. They havent done anything but eat since I got in.

I've decided I'm going to dye my hair dark and get rid of the highlights. I'm having too many blonde days lol I want my hair darker!!! think I'll buy one of those home dyes tomorrow after work and hope it looks ok when I've done it. wish me luck!
 
Ha Ha Nikki,,,seen as i'm talking to ya online, i'll not repeat here what were saying, but LOL about it all...cleaning, snow, hair dyes the lot :D :D me thinks between the two of us, we're both cracked LMAO...;) :D
 
Lol Caroline I think you're right there.

I've bought a semi permanent hair dye so it will wash out if i don't like it, should do it tonight but might not...hmm will see if I can be bothered.

Now I've sat down for a bit I could just go to sleep, maybe I will for a bit lol I dont have the kids anyway.

I've realised today that I lost 2 1/2 stone on CD before it all went to pot and you know what? that is a fantastic achievement! I keep thinking to myself oh I didn't do well at all because I didn't get down to my goal. But I stuck to it for weeks and went off track at a time when lots of people do go off track over christmas. I was talking today to the woman from next door who started lighterlife. she lasted 1 week and had allsorts of reasons as to why she couldnt continue it. I know i wasn't having the same packs but the excuses she was giving I was thinking could that really be a side effect of LL cos i never had anythng like that. So..talking to her made me realise that I did it. It is a bloody hard diet to do but I set my mind to do it and i did. If I did it once then I can do it again. I don't have to fail at everything I start I could pick up and try again and I could be there at my goal within a couple of months. whats 2 months when I have the rest of my life to eat? i will be eating and drinking when caroline is here for the weekend (well here, there and everywhere lol) but after that I have absolutely no reason as to why I cant do it again. i dont think I can do it when I am planning to have that weekend so soon but then I must get skinny for dublin! going to set my countdown to starting CD on the day Caroline goes home methinks (ooooh must resist all easter eggs)

On a lighter note... I'm so glad tomorrow is friday. Wont be out tomorrow now as I have the kids back tomorrow but I dont mind since I'll be out on saturday and away all next weekend. I could do with a clear head to be able to do cleaning on saturday.

Mrs stickinsect was driving me mad today. i still say she's a lovely woman but I wish she would learn to think. She cannot take criticism fom customers who have genuine complaints. The builder who keeps asking for my phone number one day complained that she hadn't put something on his sandwich that he'd asked for the day before, then he wanted a ham sandwich but wanted the fat taken off as I always do that for him. then the same day she tried to over charge him or something and it all culminated into him having loads of things to complain about but she took it as though he as just trying to show her up in front off all the customers, but he did have genuine complaints. Now every time he comes in she seems to give him something more to prove (as far as he's concerned) that she's incompetent. There's always 3 or 4 of them come in together, sometimes more sometimes less. Yesterday they all came in together, all wanted bacon, sausage, egg, mushroom, beans etc in their sandwiches but tis bloke asked for a fried egg sandwich for him and a full breakfast for his boss. She made everything but made his egg sandwich first, then the other sandwiches, then the breakfast. She obviously did them in order of ease but she should have done them in order of trying to keep them all hot together. So today when he came in and complained that his sandwich was cold by the time he got it (cos he had to wait for the breakfast too before he could go) she just had a go at him because it was just another complaint from him. She told him "well what do you want me to do about it?" aaargh! learn some bloody logic thats what you need to do about it. How hard is it to think well if I do that now its going to be freezing by the time the other is ready so I'll do it last? So.. I've lost my patience and ordered that she get some lessons in time management or something. Also this afternoon I was ready to snap at her because for some reason she kept going in the kitchen to make food for people, came through dumped it on the counter for them then walked off out of the shop again without taking the money for it and the people were left looking at me asking "er is this free or something?" aaaaaargh!!!!!!!!! I thought she was getting better, I was obviously mistaken. I suppose she makes me look clever at least lol
 
Ok it's been ages since I wrote in my diary. I've been neglecting it waaay too much so lets go again.

Had a fantastic weekend away with Cazmaz (aka caroline aaka carrot as far as my eldest is concerned) and before we went we made a pact that after that weekend we were going to set ourselves a 60 day challenge. No cheating on SS for 60 days. So by then we are both likely to be close to goal (if not there). Yesterday was the start of it so today is day 2, or counting down it would be day 59.

I'm liking the idea that there is an end to it and can see the amount of days getting less and less, but 59 days can seem like such a long time if you're not in a good frame of mind. However, when I've been tempted to eat something I can say to myself, no dont have it now you can have it in 59 days time when you will be skinny.

The past few times I've restarted SSing I have given in so easily it was a bit ridiculous but now I think I am ready to lose the rest. I have gained a lot of weight so not exactly starting where I left off but thats ok. I'm still wearing size 12 jeans (no idea how) sothats lucky.

60 days brings us to the beginning of June so we will be skinny for dublin!!! got my flights booked now so definately going. Cant wait.

I've already drank 4 litres of water today and its only 6 30 so thats good for me lol. I've arranged to see isobel (my cdc) at a certain time every week again so thats more of a commitment I've made than the past few times I've tried as well. Now I have to go so I wont let her down and she will knwo if I've been doing it properly or not because the scales will show it wont they.

I need to measure myself I suppose to get an idea of how much I'm shrinking. which will hopefully be a lot lol

er cant remember what more I was going to say before someone sat on me with a plate full of fruit pie grrr.

Oh well I'm doing ok. havent cheated at all. am starting off with having bars and tetras though purely cos I'm feeling lazy and it's so much easier for work. I can have that with no hassle and no one will know about doing the diet, aaand if they see me eat chocolate they wont moan that im starving myself.

yesterday as soon as I got to work someone put the afore mentioned pie in my car so I wouldnt forget to take it home (no choice apparently) i was dreading getting back into it cos it would smell but it didnt so was fine. today I got given loads of fresh asparagus (which I love) but since I'm ssing I cant eat it, so accidentally on purpose left it in the fridge at work. oh well. I can eat it later, well not that one cos it'll be rotten but can eat other sticks of it.

wonder what I'll get given tomorrow to tempt me. nd dont mention easter chocolate!!! what a time to start eh?
 
Woo Hoo....day 59 nearly over, we're both doing so welllll...........:bliss:
 
I am glad you and caroline had a great weekend. And flights booked for Dublin too. I'm doing the same as you and visiting Isobel every week without fail
Irene xx
 
ok 6 30pm day 58....OMg today has been so easy yet sooooo hard! it's been easy enough because I've felt fine, had my temptations but never actually wanted to eat.....till I got home and got out of the bath.

I made jacket potatoes and brought home mince pies for the boys to have for tea and they just smelled soooo looovely and were callin to me, eat me.. eat me... The boys have decided they arent going to eat them just yet (grrrr) so they're still sitting there. I have even found myself fantasising about sausages....I don't even like sausages!!!

I keep thinking to myself last time it was day 3 when I gave up. I've just got to get through tonight then tomorrow will be easier. or will it? It's good friday, no work and the kids are off school. they want to go to the cinema. hmmmm that'll be fine I'll take a bar and bottle of water with me but the cheesey nachos are just so yummy there. Should have bought some on sunday while we were next to it, lol didnt think of it then I was stuffed so full of chocolate. am i torturing myself? maybe.

I've left my water bottle at work which I was using to guage how much I'd drank. but so far I've had at least 3 1/2 litres (had 3 and a bit before leaving work)

my friend wants me to go out with her on saturday night. I dont really want to go but I feel guilty that I haven't gone for the past 2 weeks so she's been stuck at home with no one to go out with and after this weekend I wont be able to go out for another month. I'm sure I'll have fun while I'm out. Cheap night when ssing anyway. maybe I'll feel a bit thinner by then as well. I dont yet lol but still only 3 days into it.
 
Ha Ha,,,Woo Hoo....come on Nickser......the Irish Contingency has arrived...we've nearly completed day 58, only 57 to go till we're skinny minnies LOL....:bliss:

I know we're gonna succeed...day 3 nearly complete and we're going strong:grouphugg:
 
well we got through day 58 now were on day 57 nice to see it going down.
Got the furry mouth thing now so HAVE to be in ketosis even though I havent checked.

haven't done much, took the kids to the cinema. bought them popcorn and drinks but not for me, wasn't bothered one little bit about having any even when i was asked to hold the bags for toilet breaks. now there appears to be popcorn all over the floor for some reason.

dont drink so much when not at work so only had 2 litres so far and 1 tetra. and its 6pm!oh no actually ive had 1 1/2 tetras. in coffee. was thinking maybe i could get three coffees out of one but havent yet.

just got the rest of the day to go. kids moaning already
 
ok neeed to inspire myself a bit with all the technical stuff again.

sooo, on average last time i ss'd I lost 3.5 lbs per week. so 60 days is 8.5 weeks. I've already lost 5lbs (according to my scales) so we'll be generous and say 6lbs for this week leaving 7.5 weeks. so in the 60 days I should be able to lose.....eyes up while thinking....32.5lbs. so since I started this week at 11 13 in 60 days I will be 134.5 lbs which is 9 stone 8 (assuming I can continue with the 3.5lbs which isn't likely as I'll get smaller and less to lose and will be supposed to eat once I lose a bit more)

so to get to a normal bmi I need to be 10 1 which using those calculations will take...dur dur durrrrr..... roughly 3 weeks!!! that cant be right can it? well thats 3 weeks from now not 3 weeks including the one I'm in now. if I'm wrong someone tell me pleeease
 
day 5. kids are doing my head in and its only the 2nd day of the holidays. One of the twins actually thought he could get away with throwing a ball at the tv!!!! silly boy. anyway they go to their dads today when he gets out of bed so no idea what time

after they go I neeeed to spend the day cleaning. its getting to me and I think I have a bit more energy now than i did last week. plus might get a visitor tomorrow so better make the effort now as I wont have time for the mad rush an hour before like i did when caroline came lol

have decided I cannot drink the bouillon stuff because it makes me unbelievably hungry. I realised the connection last night so not going near it again. Maybe thats a big reason as to why I couldnt stick with it the last few times because I've been drinking that. I wasn't hungry at all till I drank that the I was immediately starving even with the furry mouth. Use ketostix you may say...lol...but I only have one left abd to be honest I dont think it's necessary to know. I know that as long as I stick to it then I'll be in ketosis, if I don't I wont. No point in worrying about it, its just an unnecessary expense.

so, 55 days to go...will I stop then or will I keep going? who knows. I know I will have a healthy bmi by then but I dont know if I'll be happy enough to stick at it. I really want to see the scales tell me I'm 8 stone something if I'm honest. Nothing to do with how I'll look, just I like the number 8 and it's far enough away to know I wont let myself get into double figures again. I'm only 5'3 so in the 8's is still healthy for me, it'll just take a bit longer to get there than 60 days. Maybe once I get to the end of the 60 days then I'll have had enough of dieting but I wont feel satisfied that I can happily stay as I am purely because of the numbers.

I know people always say be happy with your size not with what the scales tell you but here I am, size 12 and I still feel huge because I know the scales are telling me I'm overweight. I know loads of people would looove to be this size but I'm not happy with myself. Being short does make a huge difference too.

ok moan over. roll on kiddies going to dads time :) hey at least I wont have cchocolate shoved under my nose all weekend. I'll be back to work by the time they get their eggs at home.
 
Hi Nikki,,,finally made my way down to the sofa...ah this relaxing life is for me,,again like yesterday think the furthest I'll go will be the beach, leave the motorways to someone else this weekend. I've just had a 1/2 tetra in a coffee and a 1/3 peanut bar, so planning to use less packs today if possible.:p

talk to you later, lets focus on the 60days then we can have rethink and regroup,,,you go until your happly and then stop, at the end of the day, we're each in our bodies and only we know when happiness is acheived...:D
 
getting through the 60 days first is a good plan. getting through today first is an even better plan.

according to my scales I'm 11 stone 3 today woohoo!! thats 8 lbs gone this week. (was 11 13 on isobels scales on monday evening but 11 11 on mine on tuesday morning. I like to have both readings but since I weigh on mine 1st thing in the morning there will be no water weight fluctuations or through clothes, but seeing isobel on an evening it will fluctuate so for ticker purposes will go by my scales)

well did some cleaning yesterday but not enough. should finish it today but not in the mood. theres always tomorrow. My visitor came early so no point busting a gut to get it done in time now.

went out last night, was over the moon to fit comfortably back into my silk dress I got in december (or was it january, not sure) alas it's gone to silk heaven now. ooh maybe i should use it to cover a pillow lol.

had no bother drinking water all night but wasn't impressed when someone stamped on my foot and then I had a whole drink poured over my bum. good job silk dries quick I was soaking and I had to stand the rest of the night with my back to a wall.

wont be going out like that again while I'm not drinking methinks
 
seriously struggled today. my mood has been so low i wanted comfort. I have nohere to get it other than food though. All I wanted was a big hug off someone while I sat and cried, but thats not going to happen either.

still struggling
 
kati said:
seriously struggled today. my mood has been so low i wanted comfort. I have nohere to get it other than food though. All I wanted was a big hug off someone while I sat and cried, but thats not going to happen either.

still struggling
Click to expand...

:vibes: Hi Ya Nics,,,sending ya happy vibes, cuz nobody else seems to be about today ?????????....we both know your rocking on this diet, you is the Queen of our pact LOL :queen: and I couldn't do this without ya, hope your cry released any poop that was upsetting ya.... :patback: so heres a big hug for you :hug99:
 
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