My Loss = My gain and His loss -new hair photo added

[missy1978]

Wigs are a great idea and you can get some really fun ones to match however you feel that day! One of my friends had her head shaved for charity last year and wore wigs for a bit while it was growing back. She ended up liking the wigs so much that that she cut her hair back again and now just wears wigs all the time.

Appearance is so important when you struggle with anxiety and depression - you need that public face so I do understand what you mean. If you're not happy with it then you're not happy - there's nothing daft about that. Just because others would be alright with it that doesn't mean you should settle for something that isn't you xxx

 

[Aaleigha]

OK here is a promised puppy picture I have tried to take a picture of him with the same toy so you can see how much he has grown
first picture 29/8 second picture 9/9

 

[JackieN]

I love love love the colour of your hair :wow: gorgeous and so so so shiny. Wish mine had that shine. I think it looks fine lovely I really do. I totally appreciate its not how you wanted it and it will take a while to be how you want it but its lovely and a stunning colour. Mine won't take those lovely strong colours as they fade too quickly now I'm grey gutted as love them Seems a shame to have it cut shorter when you were wanting a longer funky style. Its hard isn't it?

Puppy is gorgeous

So hows you today? :bighug: xxxxxxxxx

 

[Aaleigha]

Thanks Jackie
I so know in my heart my hair is fine - its just so ordinary for me and it doesnt give me anything to hide behind - sort of lays me bare for YEARS I have had rather alternative hair styles and its a statement that basically says I am a strong person so dont mess with me - when in fact I am not a strong person

I slept for so long last night broken but slept I came up to bed for a lay down at about 6.30 woke briefly when Dh came to bed then again at one for the loo then very restless between then and two thirty but finally slept again until 6 30 I have had a bath and will get hair done and dressed shortly

today I need some milk I want to go to the doctors and I want to steam clean the bathroom so order of today will be to get up go to morrisons for milk and do doctors for an appointment on the way back then do the bathroom oh and get some washing on - nothing really interesting
but all of it needs to be done then tomorrow I can have a day doing something I want to do = dont know what yet but I am sure I will find something
or I could walk to the garage and phone the doctors - either way I need to practise the walking and the driving - so not a lot to choose between the two options - will report back later
as I have spent another session this morning with uncontrolable tears wending their way down my cheeks I might ask the doctor if this is to do with withdrawal or true depression - if depression I dont want to sink too far so might just ask for a month worth of meds = they are easier to come off than the pain killers and I need the strength to beat them so far I have missed 5 doses - only another week or so to go the worst part is the mental anguish the being really cold or really hot and the crawling over my skin - well more like under it - but if I can beat this I know in my heart I can do most things
H xxx

 

[HPSaucy]

I think your hair looks fab, the colour is amazing, I'm sure if you're used to hiding behind a funky style then it must feel weird but perhaps it's a test to see how you do and like you said no one stared at you, it really does suit you even if it's not what you wanted.

If you feel like you're slipping back into depression then perhaps it's best to nip it in the bud with anti depressants now so best of luck with the Doctors.

At least you have a plan getting you out doing bits and bobs today, enjoy x

 

[Aaleigha]

Thanks Helen I do know what you say about my hair is true = but its the hiding bit that is the real problem - but maybe you are right and its meant to be

well I went to morrisons - well didnt get there as I decided to do things in reverse order
my gp is away for three weeks - I cant believe this - I dont begrudge her a holiday but last time I was in such need she was also away

so the oncall doc is going to ring me this morning so I came straight home - funny how their idea and mine of morning are different to me morning is am and they have very little of that left - 5 mins

so I can straight home so I would be here to take the call - morrisons will have to wait

if I can just get something for the lack of sleep and the panic and depression I think I can sit this out but will of course want to know what the doc says

I never thought I would become addicted to what is supposed to be a drug that does not have that issue - ummmmm dont think so

 

[mommyB]

Did the docs come back to you ?

I too think your hair looks fab-so shiny, but I have also been there when what you get is very different from what you ask for, not good !!

Kayden is growing isnt he and soo gorgeous !!

Hope your feeling a bit brghter very soon- sending you a virtual hug !!

 

[Aaleigha]

so he did phone me at 12.07 so I forgive him

anyway the up shot is tramadol is an extremely addictive drug - even though it is marketed as a synthetic opiate without addictive qualities - the doctors agree that that is not the case in many patients and some suffer horrendous withdrawal including acute anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, headaches, flu like symptoms and crawling skin there are more but those are the ones I have

so for a week the dose needs to go back to 200mg daily but now in four divided doses after a week I can if I feel ready cut one of the doses and see how I feel if its not working then back to max for another couple of days and keep trying but there will come a point where I need to sit it out regardless if a slowly reduced dose does not work for me

so half the trauma over the hair could be down to withdrawal - and the two things just came together at the wrong time - so I am now armed with a heavy duty opiate for however long it takes with a week away from 21st sept and then I see the doc on 1st oct -

this is not really what I wanted to happen but if I need to wean off I need to and it is something I need to accept

so I have to report to taking a med then relaxing on the bed with a book for a couple of hours BUT I feel so much better - by tomorrow I am hoping I feel much better

so today I did go to the docs (twice) I did go to morrisons and I half steamed the bathroom - will do the other half tomorrow - and I need to go to pets at home to get a pet carrier one of those plastic ones for Kaydan to sit in in the car - for when we go on holiday we will take his crate with us for inside the tent
so it will be our first excursion in our trailer tent I think we have all we need apart from a round washing up bowl

I hope to meet someone from minis while I am away - for me that is a huge thing BUT she knows what an adventure it will be and also how far out of my comfort zone I am taking myself - but I will do it and I know once the ice is broken we will have such a great time - nothing actually planned but I am so looking forward to it - just hope she can fit me in

positives

what a difference a little tablet makes - not ideal but it works and I recognise the need
I again feel happy and have a smile on my face
I have a dh that has come home from work and has now prepared the veggies for your dinner
well that is my three but I could find others if I wanted too
I think tomorrow I will get a small notebook to put in nothing but the positives

 

[Aaleigha]

Did the docs come back to you ?

I too think your hair looks fab-so shiny, but I have also been there when what you get is very different from what you ask for, not good !!

Kayden is growing isnt he and soo gorgeous !!

Hope your feeling a bit brghter very soon- sending you a virtual hug !!

we were posting at the same time

if you read above you will see they did and I feel so much better already half the anxiety and depression (well all of it) was down to withdrawal - its not over yet

and yes you are all right the hair is lovely and I have admitted that all along it just gives me no where to hide - its been my way of hiding the vulnerable child within for more years than I care to admit
but its gone now and I will have to learn to cope - this in the long run will be good for me - I do realise that but wish it had been a time of my choosing HOWEVER its done now and I will learn to live with it it will be a step in the path to my mental recovery

H xx

 

[JackieN]

i had heard tramodol could be addictive its very unfair when you needed it and now this :bighug: :bighug: take life a day at a time a step at a time sweetheart. We are all here for you to keep you sane :bighug:

Take it easy coming off them and i'm sure it will be fine. The hair was the last straw for you and understandable too. But I seriously adore that colour and shine What about using some sort of gel stuff to give it some body and unusual ness I think it would work?

Sending lots of huggles :bighug: xxxxxxxx

 

[missy1978]

Oh bless you - tramadol is horrible stuff Medication like that terrifies me, I was on valium for a bit last year and I was scared stiff of getting addicted to it :/

On a happier note - CUTE PUPPY! He is lovely and he's grown so much! Awwww

 

[kopcat]

Hugs and bovver (sp?) boots for H xxx

Do you have hair straighteners? A good set of GHDs will give you some of that spikiness, no matter how short your hair. Just a thought xxx

 

[Aaleigha]

yes my boots are most definitely on and tied on tight and that light switch it too is ON

thanks for the reminder it did give me a grin
as for the hair yes I use straighteners now I am home
I have come to terms with my hair - which is a great style but.......... I dont hate it as much and I am sure most of that was down to the tramadol -- or rather lack of as I feel so much better having taken a dose

so today positives

I have found a lovely journal to keep them in
today I am going on a planned walk -
being able to do the walk is a huge thing
I a feeling really positive and looking forward to my day

so the walk is planned I will leave the house at 11ish and walk for 15 mins towards a local village - the further I get the nice the route- then turn round and come home - it will be interesting to see over the coming weeks just how far I get
I will take a photo for reference

 

[JackieN]

your post made me smile today. It sounds happy and determined go you !!! :bliss: :bighug: thanks for your help with princess barky knickers any advise always gratefully received as shes unique and we plod on and try things and take baby steps. Shes 3 1/2 now and doing well really but could do better xxxxxxx

 

[Aaleigha]

Jackie having a special needs dog is hard work - many would have given up on her and packed her back off to rescue - that makes you a special person -
I like my 'special dogs' hard work they maybe but so rewarding

 

[mommyB]

Morning H, glad to see you're feeling brighter.

Sometimes I think our cat is special needs, but no she's just daft !!LOL

 

[HelenG]

So wonderful to be able to log back on and read that you are feeling so much better
I too am envious of the colour and shine of your hair but I am more envious of the minimin that you may be meeting up with on your hols Wish it was me!

 

[Aaleigha]

Morning H, glad to see you're feeling brighter.

Sometimes I think our cat is special needs, but no she's just daft !!LOL

so funny

So wonderful to be able to log back on and read that you are feeling so much better
I too am envious of the colour and shine of your hair but I am more envious of the minimin that you may be meeting up with on your hols Wish it was me!

if you live near dorset I could give it a go but two might be pushing it so it would have to be a different day

 

[JackieN]

Jackie having a special needs dog is hard work - many would have given up on her and packed her back off to rescue - that makes you a special person -
I like my 'special dogs' hard work they maybe but so rewarding

How true is that i don't think many would have coped to be honest its been an enormous learning curb for me and still is but I adore this dog we have a 'special' bond I think when my anxiety was high I made her worse as I am noticing as my anxieties go and my confidence is returning she copes so much better
its just so lovely to have someone to talk to about it that truely understands :bighug: :thankyou: xxxxxx

so funny



if you live near dorset I could give it a go but two might be pushing it so it would have to be a different day

:cry: I don't live near Dorset :cry: xxxxxxxxx

 

[HPSaucy]

Morning H, glad to hear you're feeling more positive today, I stopped taking tramadol as I had heard it could be addictive, I was taking 400mg a day (can't remember what you said you were taking), it does leave me in quite a bit of pain but my accident was a year ago last week and I didn't want to be on them that long, sometimes I'm tempted but then I remember the sleepless nights etc on them so just keep some in for really bad days, not sure if they work if you only take them occasionally or whether they need to be in your system?

Excellent advise you gave Jackie on dogs, wish I'd known you a few years ago when I needed help!

Have a good day and glad you've accepted your hair as it really does look lovely x