Secret diary of a SMALL girl...to be

[Cartwoman]

Good one on pushing the binge mode aside and I get where you're coming from. At times I feel like having just 3 cd-meals and allowing no other food feels obsessive, but I only felt like that the first 3 weeks. After that it becomes second nature and you're not even thinking about food that much.

 

[GoOliveGo]

It's day 8 and I feel good! SS'ing today. I had a gorgeous day yesterday. I had beef stew and savoured every mouth watering bit of it and knew all along as I ate each juicy mouthful that there was no way I was going to undo the last 7 days and go into reverse! I ate the stew and congratulated myself on not persuading myself to then go on a binge with other lush stuff. It was really nice to sit with my family and enjoy a meal knowing that I was still in control of my actions. Now, the level of pleasure I had from my small bowl of stew (low carb - no potatoes in it) has got me thinking about how if I have a special occasion whereby I fancy including myself, the taste will be so much more pleasureable than if it was the 50th thing I had put in my mouth that day. When i've been eating whatever I like whenever I like - I actually didn't taste any of it. I shoved it in as fast as I could always thinking about what I could have next or later. I have no idea what I have lost in weight, only that I am defo losing as the clothes are even looser again. My "fat" leggings keep slipping down....constantly pulling them up - yeehaa. Also, a friend I haven't seen for 3 weeks noticed i'm losing weight. BINGO - success is already arriving!

I reckon my wobbly couple of days was my body saying " NNnnnnoooo - don't leave me fat cellssssss, this feels different" and just like mothers' who's children fly the nest eventually, I will allow my fat cells to go. Goodbye forever my little lumps of misery......

So ladies and gentleman who is with me this week and how's it going?

 

[GoOliveGo]

I just wanna add that I don't think children are little lumps of misery - only the fat cells! I just read my post back and realised it sounded dodgy - don't ring social services.. I do love my kids I promise! LOL

 

[leeds123]

haha! well done on not binging. i am totally with you on this. i have a meal every sat and i enjoy every mouthful, i try and low carb it and always stop when i am full (i eat half of what i used to). CD has taught me so much about enjoying food and making good choices. and its so nice when you have family to sit and eat with them. good luck for this week and goodbye fatty lumps of lard!

 

[franbella21]

hey olive im with you!! well done on getting through the weekend and its surprising how much better you feel after having a alittle meal!

 

[Eternalflame]

Hey Olive.. go girl on the friend noticing you looked slimmer, what a great feeling that must have been. You sound positive and in control, so hat off to you.. Have a good one. xx

 

[sapphirelou]

Hey Olive,

Hows everything going? Haven't seen a new post from you in a couple of days, hoping you are all ok?

Lou x

 

[GoOliveGo]

Aw thanks lou... i've had a hectic stressful couple of days and not realy had time to compile a decent post- still on form just about, have had near-wobbles but hanging in there at mo.... I think i'll refer back to my masterplan for a reminder of my mission. x x x

 

[GoOliveGo]

So, day 11. Still going according to my masterplan.... however, what I hadn't factored into my masterplan was what to do when I feel stressed, angry, furious and cheesed right off about something - which I am. My anger is from a situation that has occurred in my life that I could just do without right now.... So, I have to accept that this is life and we do have bad weeks where we feel angry with the world and people around us but we still have to move forward. Something is "eating me inside which I need to deal with and it feels uncomfortable".

Normally this is the point I would bury my head in the sand and eat to my heart's content (thinking it'll make things better but it won't actually change a single thing about this situation I need to resolve), I would down a few glasses of liquid cake (booze) and all my worries would dissolve for those few hours.... so what do I do????

I need to think about the situation - why is it making me angry and sad and scared? What can I do to change these feelings? Make a plan - I'm good at that....

Anger management plan.....

- write down what is bothering me
- write down the reasons why?
- what can I do to about the situation - can I change it?
If yes - make a plan how to change it.
If not - acccept the situation and decide how to manage it that would make me feel comfortable and safe and calm.

- talk to the other persons involved in the situation that has made me feel this anger.

- Be honest with them - if they realised how rubbish it was making me feel they would step back and think about it because I know they love me.

The bottom line is I know in my heart that having a binge will not fix this situation - therefore I have to face my fears and deal with it. Now, I think it is going to be difficult as when I'm honest with the other party they will firstly be defensive and then they will be sad or angry that i'm not "on board" with their big idea (their big idea is the situation that I'm not happy about).

I have to think about how to relay this message without breaking hearts. I have always been a people pleaser and will put others before myself to gain acceptance but I now accept this isn't always the answer. I am worth putting first alongside others if not before them.

The only way to feel better is to "tell it how it is" - if i'm not honest then it's as good as lying I guess.

Anyone reading - I know this all sounds a bit cryptic but I'm writing it on here as I'm sure we all emotionally eat and I'm thinking this likely relates to a number of people... As I've said on my previous posts.... it makes sense to me anyway!

Onto brighter things - I'm having a WI tonight but I've told CDC that I don't want to see how much loss. I just know it's working by my clothes and at the moment that's enough for me.

 

[leeds123]

gogo, hope it all works out for you. it was cryptic but fun to read in a crazy way! dont mean to sound flippant about your prob but it was well written without giving away whats going on and had me gripped.

good luck for whatever you decide and well done on sticking to plan. i have had a few life probs too, nowadays i just have a ss+ day so i am ready for battle (so to speak).

 

[GoOliveGo]

Day 11 conquered! Anger sadness n all.... I followed my mini plan and dealt with "the situation" I was honest and everything is ok - the other person is fine and was shocked at how I had been feeling and had bottled it up....

I have achieved success on managing to not emotionally eat. I feel like I've jumped a huge hurdle which is great as it means that if I can deal with something I'd rather not face (without eating or boozing to mask it) then I truly have a head start on this final journey. I can't wait to have my next session of hypnotherapy to be able to go back and say that i've actually not fallen off the wagon (each session I usually have 1 or 2 blips I need to analyse). I really think it's working for me slowly but surely.

I had my WI last night and CDC was smiling and said she really wanted to tell me what the scales said but I wouldn't let her...

I think I may change my signature and put weekly losses that I think it may have been and then when I look after 6 weeks it'll be interesting to compare what my beliefs were in losses (if any)... actual loss vs estimated loss.

Anyone think I am odd?

 

[cornishkez]

Not odd, just very brave for not asking what the scales say! lol

I wish I could do that!

 

[leeds123]

not odd at all! i cant wait to see the losses, so can only imagine how you are managing to hold off asking your cdc. are you having a day off tomorrow? let me know how it goes.

oh, and well done for sorting out your, erm, 'situation'.

 

[GoOliveGo]

Day 14 - What's going on? Why this time off? Have I been sacked? I usually do loads more work than this - I don't understand?

That would be my liver you can hear - wondering where the alcohol has gone!

I had a day off yesterday - went to a chinese buffet (eat all you can) with my extended family and chose all meat dishes (no rice and noodles even though I love them) and it was lush. I even had a tiny pudding (cheesecake) oohh sickly. By then, I couldn't eat anything else. I actually managed to not go crazy and binge. I couldn't - my stomach didn't want it. I have to say, as much as I enjoyed the social experience, it was nothing compared to how good I feel when i'm SS'ing.

I felt exhausted, sluggish and could not keep my eyes open all afternoon (it was a lunchtime buffet).

I then had a bowl of chicken, beetroot and cheese followed by a small bowl of ice cream at night time. urgh - I can't say I enjoyed it. I had planned a luxury mixed grill but there was no way I could face it after that buffet. I only had 1 and 1/2 small plates too!

So here I am at work on Sunday :sigh: and not hungry at all today.... my body thinks it has enough to last a week now!

Apologies for my cryptic posts the other day - strangely enough posting about "the situation" really helped and I was reluctant to give details as I didn't really want any suggestions from others on how to resolve it as I knew it was me and me alone that had to fix it. It was actually very minor in others eyes and felt massive to me. So, to satisfy your curiosity... it was simply to do with myself, my OH and another couple who have been thinking about starting a joint venture that would involve borrowing more money than I feel comfortable with in the current climate. My OH and the other male in the group were so excited they were all guns blazing and ready to rush in and myself and the other female had both decided it was a no go. I knew I was going to break my husbands heart and shatter his "latest" dream. Nothing too exciting i'm afraid. I faced it, I was honest and all is ok. OH still upset but not with me - he's just sulking a little that we haven't got the nerve..

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger!

Clothes are feeling loose and I am desperate to know how much loss but def not gonna look for a while. I'm excited as I know it's coming off.....

 

[GoOliveGo]

So day 14 (yesterday) went sour in it's final hour... I had a binge and now back on plan today. I spent an hour eating crisps n chocolate! Whoopsadaisy....I think the reasons maybe as follows.

1. I didn't have my first shake until after lunchtime as I didn't feel like it... then after that my blood sugar must have gone haywire as I felt tired, hungry and the cravings kicked in. I also had a stressful day at work and by end of the day I was "done in"!

2. I was also feeling uncomfortable with another "situation" that I knew was fast approaching. A family member had announced they were coming to visit the next morning and this made me feel anxious as they are draining my energy at the moment. They aren't in a good place right now and I knew I was going to have to face a conversation / discussion that would probably make me feel worse - I'm all for offering support where necessary but this person is really pulling me down - I have managed to avoid them since I started my masterplan...

So, what have I learnt? I still seek comfort in food. However, my binge period has decreased - it would normally go on for days. So, I am seeing this as a positive. Also, I have recognised my triggers - tiredness and stress. Sooo, next time I see my hypno lady she will help me to re-program to take other actions when these feelings arise.

The hypnotherapy is definitely helping as each time I go to see her I have had less binge spells / periods and always go armed with another issue I need to learn how to deal with. We (I) are slowly uncovering underlying issues that have led to this.

 

[GoOliveGo]

Day 15 - Today I am back to SS. I had my 'visitor' this morning who was upset and weeping on my shoulder and I didn't break. I have stood firm, given support where needed and pressed forward. The anticipation of something is always quite different to reality. Last night I was dreading this visit and it was fine....

So, today I've had a shake, a porridge , loads of coffee and water and i'm at work until midnight. I have a soup and a shake left - I'm doing 4 pks today as i'm weaning back off food from the weekend and therefore hungrier and also up since 0700hrs (with the kids) and knock off work at midnight - a long day for just 3 pks....

When I first ever did CD I only told 3 people (OH and 2 close friends) - I kept it a secret so people wouldn't pass judgement and make negative comments about it. This worked for me - as soon as people started to know what I was really doing I seemed to start failing... so again the only people who know are YOU and my OH. This time i will not be telling people. I don't lie - if people ask me how i'm losing I say "i'm low carb and low calorie counting" and people seem satisfied with that answer without analysing it.

 

[Eternalflame]

Hello Olive

Your diary has started to look like mine these last few days.. Quiet..

Woww, you have been through a lot of emotions lately, and thats prob why you went off track. I think its great that you are waiting to hear what you have lost, but don't want to know weekly. How much longer are you going to wait? Lol.. the suspense..

I think you are right to do the 4 packs espeicially with your work pattern. You are a nurse or midwife aren't you?

I haven't told many ppl about doing CD either, there are a few ppl at work who know, one is doing LL and has lost 3 stone!! She looks amazing, CD is cheaper and more flavours, so i'm sticking here, lol.. OH knows and the kids know, they even ask what shakes I'm drinking, as I make them a bananna smoothie before I make mine.. and of course, If you have anything different, they want it, lol.. and they are teens!! But they are mine, I say, all mine. I've also said I was low carbing.. lots of ppl do that anyway, even the Celeb's!! It usually stops them from asking again!

Wishing you a good Olive xx

 

[GoOliveGo]

Day 16 - I have been for another hypnotherapy session this afternoon before coming to work. Every time I come out of there I feel a renewed motivation. When I arrive we spend the first 10 - 15 mins chatting about what's happened over the previous 2 weeks (i'm having fortnightly app'ts). Over those 2 weeks if I have any blips or anguished moments I am jotting them down so i'll remember them when I see her to discuss.

I am finding that writing down moments of temptation / binges / emotional eating and / or upset and why I felt that way is making me slowly unravel snippets about my behaviour and why I do certain things in certain situations. Sorry to anyone reading - I don't mean to sound cryptic again. It was interesting today as I had jotted down that I had realised some of the facts about myself that aren't good for my self-esteem.

1. I'm a people pleaser - I like to sit on the fence and not cause conflict. I want to be liked by anyone and everyone no matter who they are.
Outcome - although it is nice to be "nice" and try to please others all the time I'm not putting myself first and i'm de-valuing myself. Also by acting in this way "i'm actually not being honest" with myself or others. If I'm not saying what I think then how will people respect me and actually like me? And actually why do I care if a stranger or someone that doesn't matter to me doesn't like me? I need to toughen up!

2. The other thing I have come to realise is that I find it difficult to accept compliments - even when they are deserved.
When I mentioned this to her she said "and there it is!" this is one of the biggest reasons the weight hasn't stayed off in the past. Bizarrely, we may have reasons for staying as we are as even though we don't want to be "fat" it can sometimes be a "safe" option. She explained that staying overweight can sometimes be a good excuse not to face situations. For example, when I lost 3 1/2 stone a couple of years ago alot of my friends and family kept showering me with attention and I actually just wanted "to be" me - not the fat girl that's changed - I was still the same person. my friends were saying that I don't look like the girl they've known for years... and I had feelings of panic and slowly re-gained the weight. This is only one bit of unwanted comments / attention that I had.

She also said that some women who don't like sex can subconsiously choose to not lose weight in case their OH's try it on a bit more than they feel comfortable with. Therefore thinking that if they look less attractive they may not have to indulge their partner......

Any thoughts anyone?.... is there anybody out there?

Eternal - I work as a police call taker but would love to be a midwife - much more rewarding i'm sure...

 

[slim4life]

GooliveGo eveything you wrote in your last post makes so much sense brillant to read i think you just gave me 100 euros worth of counselling
I have also being jotting down when i go for food and it is defo when i am tired or a bit stressed i always believed i wasnt one of "those comfort eaters" but i know i am and it is great to address it.


Great post and you are doing fabxxxx

Slim4life

 

[GoOliveGo]

Thanks slim4life - it's good to know my long-winded posts aren't sending everyone to sleep! I appreciate knowing it makes sense to someone else... makes me feel more normal.