Secret diary of a SMALL girl...to be
- Thread starter GoOliveGo
- Start date
Eternalflame
Excited about the new me!
Morning Olive
I enjoy reading your diaries, brilliant writing and reflective too. A Police Call Operator, I bet thats interesting..
I can see that some ppl who have gone off sex, can keep hold of their weight, so thats interesting! I know that I feel better, slimmer and lighter re sex, so there is truth in that.
Hope you are good today and look forward to reading your next instalment
xx
I enjoy reading your diaries, brilliant writing and reflective too. A Police Call Operator, I bet thats interesting..
I can see that some ppl who have gone off sex, can keep hold of their weight, so thats interesting! I know that I feel better, slimmer and lighter re sex, so there is truth in that.
Hope you are good today and look forward to reading your next instalment
xx
Last edited:
sapphirelou
Full Member
Hey Olive,
Just a quick check in. I'm off snowboarding with school tomorrow and away for 10 days so not online for a while.
Good luck for the week week or so, can't wait to catch up on your installments when I get back
Lou x
Just a quick check in. I'm off snowboarding with school tomorrow and away for 10 days so not online for a while.
Good luck for the week week or so, can't wait to catch up on your installments when I get back
Lou x
Day 17 (yesterday). I'm ashamed to say day 17 was a complete disaster. I'm not sure if my hypno therapy session stirred some things up in my brain but I completely rebelled against my masterplan and everything else i've been trying to achieve.
Here's what I ate....
coffee
coffee
shake
crumpets x2 with butter / marmite
crumpets x2 with butter / marmite
McDonalds burger n fries
cookie bar
poached eggs on 2 buttered toast
4 mini choc muffins
1/2 easter egg!
chunky kitkat
OH how I felt sick! Once I finished 'diverting' from my master plan I felt physically sick and bloated..... Now, why is the question?
1. I was exhausted - tiredness is an old trigger
2. I failed to plan my day = fail to plan, plan to fail as they say.
3. I had my first shake at 1 ish - this is far too late for me.... my blood sugar was already compromised by the time I'd had that first shake and the physical and psychological craving for something carby was too much. I succumbed to the crumpets.
4. I was angry that I'd behaved like this and felt rubbish - leading to more rubbish food. My mindset diverted to while i'm off plan for today - i need to eat what I really fancy and wipe the slate clean tomorrow.
So what have I learnt?
By the time i finished all I could think was how physically ill I felt and how I couldn't wait to have the empty feeling back again.
All the time leading up to the binge I had felt it rising up from inside and in my mind was thinking... 'i'm really gonna do it this time I am going to be slim again but I feel the need for my final blowout!' Also, all the things that Mary had said in the session had blown me away and brought feelings and fears to the surface. What I was supposed to do was allow the feelings to arrive and just let them pass because if I binge it won't change the truth. I don't really know why I crumbled - I think exhaustion played a big part.
Anyway, You don't go into battle without a loaded weapon. I am now armed with more determination and the knowledge that it was my choice and will mention my rebellious moment to Mary next time I go. She'll explain why and then another lightbulb moment will occur and i'll be sailing along in the breeze again. I'm also going to read my masterplan again - rebrief myself and move forward - back on plan. I have another WI tonight but yet again i'm not looking.
I do also have a planned 2 days off for Good Friday and Saturday. There will be alcohol involved but I will enjoy and then back to SS or SS+ on Sunday for another 5 days and then we're going away to Devon Cliffs for a weekend so there'll be planned time off CD then too. The objective during these planned spells of time off is "everything in moderation". I have to remember this is what my whole journey is about learning. MODERATION MODERATION MODERATION!
Here's what I ate....
coffee
coffee
shake
crumpets x2 with butter / marmite
crumpets x2 with butter / marmite
McDonalds burger n fries
cookie bar
poached eggs on 2 buttered toast
4 mini choc muffins
1/2 easter egg!
chunky kitkat
OH how I felt sick! Once I finished 'diverting' from my master plan I felt physically sick and bloated..... Now, why is the question?
1. I was exhausted - tiredness is an old trigger
2. I failed to plan my day = fail to plan, plan to fail as they say.
3. I had my first shake at 1 ish - this is far too late for me.... my blood sugar was already compromised by the time I'd had that first shake and the physical and psychological craving for something carby was too much. I succumbed to the crumpets.
4. I was angry that I'd behaved like this and felt rubbish - leading to more rubbish food. My mindset diverted to while i'm off plan for today - i need to eat what I really fancy and wipe the slate clean tomorrow.
So what have I learnt?
By the time i finished all I could think was how physically ill I felt and how I couldn't wait to have the empty feeling back again.
All the time leading up to the binge I had felt it rising up from inside and in my mind was thinking... 'i'm really gonna do it this time I am going to be slim again but I feel the need for my final blowout!' Also, all the things that Mary had said in the session had blown me away and brought feelings and fears to the surface. What I was supposed to do was allow the feelings to arrive and just let them pass because if I binge it won't change the truth. I don't really know why I crumbled - I think exhaustion played a big part.
Anyway, You don't go into battle without a loaded weapon. I am now armed with more determination and the knowledge that it was my choice and will mention my rebellious moment to Mary next time I go. She'll explain why and then another lightbulb moment will occur and i'll be sailing along in the breeze again. I'm also going to read my masterplan again - rebrief myself and move forward - back on plan. I have another WI tonight but yet again i'm not looking.
I do also have a planned 2 days off for Good Friday and Saturday. There will be alcohol involved but I will enjoy and then back to SS or SS+ on Sunday for another 5 days and then we're going away to Devon Cliffs for a weekend so there'll be planned time off CD then too. The objective during these planned spells of time off is "everything in moderation". I have to remember this is what my whole journey is about learning. MODERATION MODERATION MODERATION!
gogo! you seem determined and confident and i have no doubt you will do well. i have been struggling this week, yest was supposed to be ss+ but had too much chicken in the end! i too have days off planned for easter and so am not expecting any major losse over easter hols.
i too plan to stay on board cd on the in between days! god help me!!! haha. keep going, i love your emails and am off to re-read your masterplan again - its a great tool for me.
i too plan to stay on board cd on the in between days! god help me!!! haha. keep going, i love your emails and am off to re-read your masterplan again - its a great tool for me.
Well here I am after nearly 2 weeks. I have no idea what day i'm on?!? It's been approx 4 weeks so I going to pretend it's day 28...
But before I put my day 28 thoughts down, here's what's been happening....
DENIAL... Burying my head in the sand... I've spent the last 2 weeks feeling rubbish. Easter was a couple of planned days off and then I struggled to return to SS ...so I had shakes in the day and food in moderation in the evening. Well - I kidded myself it was moderation. The truth is when I look back at what I consumed it wasn't healthy - i even did a bit of my old enemy habit of secret late night eating. AAArggghhhh! I was cross with myself but couldn't stop it. However, my clothes feel the same(ish) so I think I've managed to ride the storm without too much damage!
So, why did this happen?
I mentioned after my last hypno session that we had chatted about a few things that made me feel uncomfortable and made me think about the past (my former life as a victim of domestic abuse). She had mentioned "secondary gain" - reasons why we choose to hold onto our weight.
An example she had given was that some women go off sex and then hold onto their weight so their partner may not be as interested. The realisation for me was that this was actually one of my reasons. But I wasn't sure what this meant - did it mean I don't love my husband? It can't be because I do really love him but I'm just not into sex these days...
Since having kids I can take it or leave it when it comes to bedroom action, as my body has changed so much after 2 C-sections and a hideous pouch of flesh hanging down my front (sorry TMI) (defo need a tuck). (This feels weird baring my soul.......)
Since going back to see Mary I spilled my guts (not literally tho) and she said she was expecting this setback because she had seen from my body language and reaction that she had "hit a nerve".
She said this was a positive step as we are getting to the root of my problem - she seems to sow a seed at each session and my the time I see her again I've worked out what's bothering me.... she then explains the psychological side of why, etc.
Bottom line is way back in my former life as a victim of domestic abuse I was slim, sexy but bitterly unhappy and living in total fear. Now, holding onto the weight is my subconcious feeling scared to be thin again as my mind associates this period in my life as a time of fear and violence and even some level of sexual abuse as part of the domestic abuse.
So during the actual hypnotherapy bit where I lie down and chill while she talks to my subconsious mind she implanted thoughts to release the associations and fears and that it is safe to be slim again, etc.
So that's that - Here I am again moving forwards again.
Day 28 - I SS'd yesterday so on day 2 of my re-start. Things are clearer in my mind and now ready to reduce the wobble!
I'm working until midnight all this weekend so that will help by not having any social life!
I've had a shake already and planning the rest for my late shift... by the way my trip to Devon Cliffs was lush - we had beautiful weather. The mother in law came with us and cooked delicious breakfasts each morning - delightful!
Back to the masterplan again - I think i'll re-paste it into this last post so I can see it in front of me again.
How's everyone else coming along?
Leeds123 - are you back yet and how did it go?
But before I put my day 28 thoughts down, here's what's been happening....
DENIAL... Burying my head in the sand... I've spent the last 2 weeks feeling rubbish. Easter was a couple of planned days off and then I struggled to return to SS ...so I had shakes in the day and food in moderation in the evening. Well - I kidded myself it was moderation. The truth is when I look back at what I consumed it wasn't healthy - i even did a bit of my old enemy habit of secret late night eating. AAArggghhhh! I was cross with myself but couldn't stop it. However, my clothes feel the same(ish) so I think I've managed to ride the storm without too much damage!
So, why did this happen?
I mentioned after my last hypno session that we had chatted about a few things that made me feel uncomfortable and made me think about the past (my former life as a victim of domestic abuse). She had mentioned "secondary gain" - reasons why we choose to hold onto our weight.
An example she had given was that some women go off sex and then hold onto their weight so their partner may not be as interested. The realisation for me was that this was actually one of my reasons. But I wasn't sure what this meant - did it mean I don't love my husband? It can't be because I do really love him but I'm just not into sex these days...
Since having kids I can take it or leave it when it comes to bedroom action, as my body has changed so much after 2 C-sections and a hideous pouch of flesh hanging down my front (sorry TMI) (defo need a tuck). (This feels weird baring my soul.......)
Since going back to see Mary I spilled my guts (not literally tho
) and she said she was expecting this setback because she had seen from my body language and reaction that she had "hit a nerve".She said this was a positive step as we are getting to the root of my problem - she seems to sow a seed at each session and my the time I see her again I've worked out what's bothering me.... she then explains the psychological side of why, etc.
Bottom line is way back in my former life as a victim of domestic abuse I was slim, sexy but bitterly unhappy and living in total fear. Now, holding onto the weight is my subconcious feeling scared to be thin again as my mind associates this period in my life as a time of fear and violence and even some level of sexual abuse as part of the domestic abuse.
So during the actual hypnotherapy bit where I lie down and chill while she talks to my subconsious mind she implanted thoughts to release the associations and fears and that it is safe to be slim again, etc.
So that's that - Here I am again moving forwards again.
Day 28 - I SS'd yesterday so on day 2 of my re-start. Things are clearer in my mind and now ready to reduce the wobble!
I'm working until midnight all this weekend so that will help by not having any social life!
I've had a shake already and planning the rest for my late shift... by the way my trip to Devon Cliffs was lush - we had beautiful weather. The mother in law came with us and cooked delicious breakfasts each morning - delightful!
Back to the masterplan again - I think i'll re-paste it into this last post so I can see it in front of me again.
How's everyone else coming along?
Leeds123 - are you back yet and how did it go?
Diary of a small girl … to be …Master plan
It is flexible – If I make rules it is inevitable I will try my best to find a loophole. So, I will choose to SS and if I genuinely feel the need to add a meal then so be it – it will be a meal that is low carb, healthy and enjoyable.
I will take one day at a time – Upon waking I will remember all the good feelings that will come the following morning when I have made the right choice the day before. Sounds odd but I know what I mean and hopefully so do any readers!
I will have a “to do” list of things I’ve been putting off doing. If I hear that inner voice trying to convince me of obsessive behaviour I will channel it immediately into “to do” mode and take action – my husband will think I’ve got a cleaner in I expect!
I will recognise my goal weight when I arrive. I am choosing to decide my arrival when I get there, as setting deadlines will only add pressure that my inner voice will rebel against.
I will list all the activities that make me feel good and why. If I’m having a wobbly day I will take this list and do at least one of them at a time until my wobbly moment has passed. ie. Walking in fresh air, chatting to a friend, surfing minimins…
I will be totally honest on Minimins. This is the place that I can bare my soul and be completely honest without feeling judged. We are all here for the same or similar reason and understand each other’s journeys more than most people in the big wide world.
It is flexible – If I make rules it is inevitable I will try my best to find a loophole. So, I will choose to SS and if I genuinely feel the need to add a meal then so be it – it will be a meal that is low carb, healthy and enjoyable.
I will take one day at a time – Upon waking I will remember all the good feelings that will come the following morning when I have made the right choice the day before. Sounds odd but I know what I mean and hopefully so do any readers!
I will have a “to do” list of things I’ve been putting off doing. If I hear that inner voice trying to convince me of obsessive behaviour I will channel it immediately into “to do” mode and take action – my husband will think I’ve got a cleaner in I expect!
I will recognise my goal weight when I arrive. I am choosing to decide my arrival when I get there, as setting deadlines will only add pressure that my inner voice will rebel against.
I will list all the activities that make me feel good and why. If I’m having a wobbly day I will take this list and do at least one of them at a time until my wobbly moment has passed. ie. Walking in fresh air, chatting to a friend, surfing minimins…
I will be totally honest on Minimins. This is the place that I can bare my soul and be completely honest without feeling judged. We are all here for the same or similar reason and understand each other’s journeys more than most people in the big wide world.
cornishkez
Gold Member
Hi Olive, well done for being so honest..strange that we both reposted back here today? Your hypnotherapy session sound amazing, I would love to have somebody decifer what goes on in my head.
As a teenager I was very unhappy and suffered with depression. However, my symptoms weren't moping about in bed etc. Mine came out as anxiety and severe paranoya. I was raped at 15 and after that became very self distructive, desperate for love and affection, but from all the wrong people, so allowed myself to be used by a string of partners. Eventually, it all got to much and I attempted to overdose twice.
Although I have this all under control now, in stressful times I can feel my thought beginning to become a little bit unrealistic and I start having awful nightmares. I think to a degree, it will always be with me. It is easy to look back now and access what went wrong and when, but at the time it a terrible place to be in.
Anyway, the point of me revealing that was that when I finally started to turn my life around, I met my fiance and I started to gain weight. I have no idea how much, but I remember being a size 16 and I am now a size 24. I too can take or leave the bedroom action. It is very rare that I instigate anything, even rarer that my partner does as I know that my insecurities turn him off. I honestly dont think that 'I' turn him off, just my lack of self confidence.
I remember losing about 3 stone, 3ish years ago and I found as the weight came off I become more confident and more relaxed with myself and my body. The 'bedroom action' improved, but as the weight came back on it died down again.
I had always thought that my low self confidence was due to my being overweight, but you've put a completely different perspective on things? When I was slim I was confident, outgoing and popular, but secretly incredibly insecure and troubled. I am now shy and reserved, but secure and content. Maybe in the back of my mind somewhere I am self sabotaging myself in order to hold onto my new secure life (even thought my weight makes me incredibly unhappy).
Oh the mind is a complexed thing isn't it?! lol
As a teenager I was very unhappy and suffered with depression. However, my symptoms weren't moping about in bed etc. Mine came out as anxiety and severe paranoya. I was raped at 15 and after that became very self distructive, desperate for love and affection, but from all the wrong people, so allowed myself to be used by a string of partners. Eventually, it all got to much and I attempted to overdose twice.
Although I have this all under control now, in stressful times I can feel my thought beginning to become a little bit unrealistic and I start having awful nightmares. I think to a degree, it will always be with me. It is easy to look back now and access what went wrong and when, but at the time it a terrible place to be in.
Anyway, the point of me revealing that was that when I finally started to turn my life around, I met my fiance and I started to gain weight. I have no idea how much, but I remember being a size 16 and I am now a size 24. I too can take or leave the bedroom action. It is very rare that I instigate anything, even rarer that my partner does as I know that my insecurities turn him off. I honestly dont think that 'I' turn him off, just my lack of self confidence.
I remember losing about 3 stone, 3ish years ago and I found as the weight came off I become more confident and more relaxed with myself and my body. The 'bedroom action' improved, but as the weight came back on it died down again.
I had always thought that my low self confidence was due to my being overweight, but you've put a completely different perspective on things? When I was slim I was confident, outgoing and popular, but secretly incredibly insecure and troubled. I am now shy and reserved, but secure and content. Maybe in the back of my mind somewhere I am self sabotaging myself in order to hold onto my new secure life (even thought my weight makes me incredibly unhappy).
Oh the mind is a complexed thing isn't it?! lol
cornishkez
Gold Member
Sorry for the super long post! lol
It seems we have much in common Kez! I appreciate your revelation... it makes me feel a sense of unity in this weight / mind thing we have going on and the reasons behind our behaviours.
I suspect there are alot more people out there with weight issues that stem from bad periods in their lives.
The hypno is costing me £45 a session (fortnightly) which I can barely afford but it's helping so much that I can't not have it now.
I'm learning so much and actually posting it all on here is very cleansing. Sharing my thoughts, feelings and reasonings behind it all also appear to be giving food for thought (no pun intended) for others like us.
Thanks again for your honesty and baring your soul with me.
Also, no worries about long posts - I love reading peoples posts especially when they have real meaning behind them like this one today..... oh and defo spooky we both returned today!!!! kindred spirits I reckon.
I suspect there are alot more people out there with weight issues that stem from bad periods in their lives.
The hypno is costing me £45 a session (fortnightly) which I can barely afford but it's helping so much that I can't not have it now.
I'm learning so much and actually posting it all on here is very cleansing. Sharing my thoughts, feelings and reasonings behind it all also appear to be giving food for thought (no pun intended) for others like us.
Thanks again for your honesty and baring your soul with me.
Also, no worries about long posts - I love reading peoples posts especially when they have real meaning behind them like this one today..... oh and defo spooky we both returned today!!!! kindred spirits I reckon.
Day 29 - I have been starving today. I've actually had a mini binge of shakes and bars to stop me heading to MD's for some chicken selects.
I have had so far...
1 shake
1 soup
2 bars
1 soup
1 shake
I'm no longer physically hungry but just wanting something meaty to chew on with a plate of hearty veg!
I think my inner voice is sneaking some crafty thoughts in. Anyhow - i'm now at work until midnight and it feels like a long way til the end of the day. I've just had my meal break and was so close to popping down to MD's for a box of selects. Instead I rang my OH and walked a couple of circuits of the car park.... it hasn't completely stopped my inner voice from willing me to have them but at least it's not an option for the evening now.
Also, I have developed another stinking cold - runny nose, sore throat, dry cough - feeling rough!!! I know that tiredness is a big trigger for me but feeling under the weather is another time I will reach for comfort.
Sometimes I wonder if our body rebels when we make a choice with our minds to make a change?
Or, is it that all the toxins in our body need to come out somehow and this is one way?
Or, is it pure coincidence that last time I re-started SS I developed a head cold?
mmmm? Any thoughts anyone?
I know I will feel lush if I get through another day of CD (even if i've had more than a days allowance) so why do I feel like I can't be bothered with it all!
CornishKez - like yourself, I keep having thoughts about having a week or so on SW (I know that plan pretty much off by heart) but I always have slow losses with SW?
AAArrrggghhh - my head is playing tricks!
I have had so far...
1 shake
1 soup
2 bars
1 soup
1 shake
I'm no longer physically hungry but just wanting something meaty to chew on with a plate of hearty veg!
I think my inner voice is sneaking some crafty thoughts in. Anyhow - i'm now at work until midnight
and it feels like a long way til the end of the day. I've just had my meal break and was so close to popping down to MD's for a box of selects. Instead I rang my OH and walked a couple of circuits of the car park.... it hasn't completely stopped my inner voice from willing me to have them but at least it's not an option for the evening now.Also, I have developed another stinking cold - runny nose, sore throat, dry cough - feeling rough!!! I know that tiredness is a big trigger for me but feeling under the weather is another time I will reach for comfort.
Sometimes I wonder if our body rebels when we make a choice with our minds to make a change?
Or, is it that all the toxins in our body need to come out somehow and this is one way?
Or, is it pure coincidence that last time I re-started SS I developed a head cold?
mmmm? Any thoughts anyone?
I know I will feel lush if I get through another day of CD (even if i've had more than a days allowance) so why do I feel like I can't be bothered with it all!
CornishKez - like yourself, I keep having thoughts about having a week or so on SW (I know that plan pretty much off by heart) but I always have slow losses with SW?
AAArrrggghhh - my head is playing tricks!
Day 30 - Started with a yummy shake this morning and had a porridge at lunch.
Now this afternoon is a planned afternoon off as we have a works "supper" evening. The nominated food is fish n chips. I have ordered a piece of fish and no chips.
Yum yum.... I'll be having it at my desk in approx 30 mins. Lush.
The question is can I leave it at that? Everything in moderation is the what I am training to do so watch this space.
I still have a cold today but it lessened slightly sso I don't feel as grotty as I did yesterday.
Now this afternoon is a planned afternoon off as we have a works "supper" evening. The nominated food is fish n chips. I have ordered a piece of fish and no chips.
Yum yum.... I'll be having it at my desk in approx 30 mins. Lush.
The question is can I leave it at that? Everything in moderation is the what I am training to do so watch this space.
I still have a cold today but it lessened slightly sso I don't feel as grotty as I did yesterday.
cornishkez
Gold Member
How did the fish & chips go? Did you manage to stick to just the fish?
I think you're right when you say about the toxins coming out, lets face it, we've got years worth or crap built up and all these mini addictions to carbs, sugar, caffeine etc to overcome. It's no wonder we feel groggy and crappy! But...it does pass doesn't it? As long as we 'Stick to it!' ...haha!
Having a SW week is fine, if you can trust yourself to go back to CD. If you can use it to refuel your motivation and the following week crack on with CD, then maybe it's a good idea?! It's certainly better than falling off the wagon all together.
I think you're right when you say about the toxins coming out, lets face it, we've got years worth or crap built up and all these mini addictions to carbs, sugar, caffeine etc to overcome. It's no wonder we feel groggy and crappy! But...it does pass doesn't it? As long as we 'Stick to it!' ...haha!
Having a SW week is fine, if you can trust yourself to go back to CD. If you can use it to refuel your motivation and the following week crack on with CD, then maybe it's a good idea?! It's certainly better than falling off the wagon all together.
cornishkez
Gold Member
Oh, just thought. Have you thought about having an SS+ week, that way you don't go out of ketosis and don't have to go through the hell of going back into it again?!
Eternalflame
Excited about the new me!
Hi Olive
Fish sounded nice.. did you leave it as that? Hope you are good, sounds like you are doing really well. xx
Fish sounded nice.. did you leave it as that? Hope you are good, sounds like you are doing really well. xx
Just a quick post to say - it didn't stop at the fish. I didn't have chips but I did end up eating some crisps and choc that night. I've spent the last few days eating in moderation but having shakes as a meal replacement one or twice a day without obsessing too much about food. I guess this is what I have been working towards - getting my head to stop fretting, upsetting and eat to live instead of live to eat.
I have lost weight this week as my CDC smiled at my WI and I made the decision to still not look at those scales. My trousers are becoming looser if I see that figure on the scales - it could sabotage everything.
This glorious weather seems to be helping me feel good too.
I have lost weight this week as my CDC smiled at my WI and I made the decision to still not look at those scales. My trousers are becoming looser if I see that figure on the scales - it could sabotage everything.
This glorious weather seems to be helping me feel good too.
cornishkez
Gold Member
I bet you are really underestimating your weight loss. When will you find out? I want to know! lol. Get your CDC to sign up to minimins and send me a PM.
It'll be amazing if I find i've lost more than my estimates. I'm going to wait until i'm loose in the next dress size down as then it should be at least a stone I reckon.
I couldn't possibly ask my CDC to join Minimins - she'll read all my darkest deepest secrets! Plus, minimins is like a secret escape pod I can enter and bare that soul of mine knowing that none of you actually know who I am.
Well, actually any followers of my diary (very few) probably now know me better than my family and friends deep down....it's just that anonymity thing helps to feel able to express true feelings, thoughts, etc without anyone passing judgement. It's good!
I couldn't possibly ask my CDC to join Minimins - she'll read all my darkest deepest secrets!
Plus, minimins is like a secret escape pod I can enter and bare that soul of mine knowing that none of you actually know who I am. Well, actually any followers of my diary (very few) probably now know me better than my family and friends deep down....it's just that anonymity thing helps to feel able to express true feelings, thoughts, etc without anyone passing judgement. It's good!
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