Surfhunny's Countdown to Florida

[Tracee]

Hi Surf... thanks for the invite to join you here in your diary... I have posted in your diary before.. I've always said you're one of my inspirational peeps on here.. amazing weight loss and you just seem a lovely person all round... and it's nice to read about all the goings on in a "young uns" world .. I'm sounding 90.. lol.. I'm 46.

Anyway, I've just had my last shake and made myself comfy with my laptop and caught up on a whole weeks worth of your diary.. wow.. what a week you've had.. Happy belated birthday, so pleased you had a great time with your family. I loved your birthday cake that your mum made... and the story behind the bee... I just love things like that.. so very special! The little bit of weight gain was well worth it.. you're gorgeous and that weight will be off you in no time. I read your posts and always think how hard you nurses work (I'm assuming a nurse/doctor).. you all work so hard and such long hours and I don't always think people see or appreciate that...you have to be a special someone to do your job... well done you!

Good luck for this week.. here's to a good one for all of us.... I was away for the week (I teach, so had half term off).. we have a boat and went away for the week... God was it difficult, when you have a 12 year old and a hubby who enjoy food.. jesus I thought I would cave in at one point, so when I was weighed on Saturday morning and my CDC said 4lbs off I was gobsmacked, I could have kissed her LOL.

Enjoy your week and take care... Good luck with your long night tonight.

(sorry for the very long post and hogging your diary)

 

[Surfhunny]

I've been having a trawl through all my old photo's and after a few minutes I realised that I don't feel as disgusted with them as I used to. I suppose it's because I'm not that person anymore. It's actually been quite therapeutic. And because I'm not ashamed anymore, I'm going to put them in an album on here, just as a little reminder NEVER to go back to being that person again.

The mindless things I get up to after a night shift

 

[miss-HJ]

its good u recognise that its the past tho hun, it was u but u are not that person nemore, its a new thin u and if u wernt happy then they can work wonders to keep u on the straight n narrow lol

 

[Surfhunny]

Well yet again I'm feeling really down.... I noticed that all this gloom co-incides with my TOTM which makes sense, but it doesn't help me feel any better.

Work is really horrible at the moment, everyone is so so stressed and it's making it really difficult to concentrate. I daren't go into too much detail on the internet, but work/life balance is soon to be a thing of the past, as they are trying to introduce a totally unworkable shift pattern, it's horrific, some staff groups will have to work every single weekend....they'll have days off during the week, but it's not the point. When are people expected to see their partners, kids etc? I'm single so I don't have that worry, but I also don't stand a chance of meeting anyone either if what they're proposing goes ahead. I can't even think about it....

I feel terrible right now, so this is seriously going to be a moany whiney post sorry. I need to get this off my chest and out of my head... I feel like my life is totally out of control right now, I hate not being in control!!! Nothing seems to be going my way at the moment. I've even lost control of the one thing I can usually control, my diet. I've just completely let go again today! I can't seem to help myself, I'm sick of all the sweet stuff and there's only so much Veg bouillion I can drink in a day.

I lost 4lbs at WI last night and I think that's what's set me off again, I so desperately wanted to lose more and it didn't happen. I know 4lbs is fantastic, especially for me but it's not enough. I want that 8lbs gone, I know I can't pull off another 4lb week again this week so it's going to take at least 3 weeks to undo 1 week of eating. It's soul destroying!!

Babies are making me so broody right now...my body clock is ticking louder than ever and I like I have no hope what so ever anymore...with these stupid shift patterns and the fact that I'm not comfortable with my body so how can expect anyone else to want it and like it? To make matters worse I got an email off an old friend on Facebook... it's been ages since we've been in touch and the message above hers was one from me telling her how much I loved being with AP and how he made me feel etc so reading that has upset me too. I am totally over him, I know that for certain, but I miss being with someone, I miss all the relationship stuff.

God I hate feeling like this... I really do and I know it'll pass as soon as TOTM does, but it feels really raw and horrible right now. Right, I'd better go and sort myself out, I'm a complete mess.

Sorry.......

 

[great things]

can you not get the unions involved with all of these unworkable patterns. why on earth are they changing stuff around. surely things work as they are now!

i had trouble meeting men. met a couple in h'pool in clubs but i don't think you meet the right people in clubs. i went on to direct dating or dating direct whatever it was called and had no pressure contact e-mails etc. ended up meeting and then marrying hubby from there.

you will meet someone somewhere! are there no decent men at work? i thought docs/nurses there must be a few to choose from.

it's nice to be with someone and have kids but life changes forever. i love my hubby and kids but sometimes i really need to lock myself in the loo or get out for a bit to be by myself. i remember before kids when you could do what you wanted and go wherever you wanted without having to think have i got x y z! the very first time i left the house after emily had been born it took me 2 hours. we were going to my mum's for xmas day dinner and emily was 11 days old. my mum lives 2 miles away. i had emily when i was 32 and matthew when i was 35. only got married when i was 31 and only met hubby when i was 29! you've plenty of time left. my cousin has just had her first baby after years and years of trying and ending up doing IVF and she is 38!

 

[Surfhunny]

The unions are involved, but they're no help really. We don't want to have to strike because I think healthcare workers shouldn't do that, at the end of the day its not the patients fault! It's meant to be a cost saving measure because how it works now (which is perfectly) costs too much as it's paid overtime for those who want it, the new system gets rid of overtime, but means that everyone has to do shifts even those who can't for various reasons, or don't want to.

As for my broodiness, for years and years I've thought kids were great but good to hand back at the end, but now I'm ready for my own, I know it can be a complete nightmare, I know your life changes beyond all recognition but I want that, I'm ready for that. I never thought I would be but I am. I never intended to be a career driven spinster, I'm so scared that's what I'm turning into.

 

[great things]

i'm sure you'll meet someone, honest. you'll know straight away when it's the right person too.

 

[leeds123]

i know how it is when everything goes wrong at the same time. i feel for you surfy. i went back after mat leave recently to a whole new and massively demoted job! employers are using the state of the economy to be ruthless. its hard and i hope you get it sorted.

as for babies, it'll happen. in the meantime, like nicki says enjoy every lie in, every second of doing what you want, of getting up and getting dressed before anyone else, of having cereal for dinner if you want to, of having a whole day doing zilch!!! believe me kids are great but tiring.

as for fellas an babies, it will happen surfy. one of my mates recently had bought some sperm and had a gorg baby boy and is loving life and i know this a last resort but you will have a baby one day! be positive,

on a more realistic note, i ate last night too and cant find my motivation today (go on hols next week) so lets scream together..... altogether now...................AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

 

[Surfhunny]

. :cry: . :sigh:

 

[*Shanny*]

(((Big hug))) surfhunny, are you ssing now??

 

[leeds123]

surfy, you ok????? come back and let us know you are ok!

 

[*Shanny*]

I was thinking the same Leeds!!, surfhunny u are not sounding yourself.! xxxxx

 

[Surfhunny]

I'm here.....not doing anything at the moment Shanny, yet another thing I'm managing to fail at. I have no idea what to do I can't seem to make it through the week without eating. I went out for dinner on Friday night with some girls from work because I'm fed up with staying at home on my own all the time. And today I'm going to a bbq at another friends for the same reason, I can't be on my own right now and unfortunately the only get togethers seem to involve food.

I haven't felt like this for a long time and to be honest it's scaring me a bit. I don't get 'down' as a rule, even when AP and I broke up I was upset for a few days but nothing like this. I hate to admit it but I think I'm just lonely right now, everyone else has someone, and I have no-one. Oh god I sound like such a loser..........

 

[lyndzi76]

Just been catching up on your diary, sorry your feeling down :hug99:

You have to remember you have done fantastically well with the weight you have lost, why don't you come off the plan for a few days and have abit of normality.

Have a good time today x x x

 

[great things]

oh surf!!!!!! you'll be fine. i'm practically on my own in that hubby has his own business and works every hour he can which is 7 days a week at the moment and he's there from around 6am to 5.30pm sometimes like last week he was there until 9pm at night. when he comes home he eats helps put the kids to bed then goes on his computer until 9/9.30pm at night when he comes in to watch a bit of tv.

try to focus on the positive things you have. you are loosing weight, you have your face back, you have some good friends, lots of support on here, works a bit pants but at least you do have a job, you are an amazing person with lots of motivation!

 

[cornishkez]

How you feeling hun, you probably won't get this till the morning, when hopefully things will seem a bit brighter. They always seem to in the morning don't they?

I've binged all weekend, my usual cycle. Have stayed away from here as I've been trying to fight my demons, I managed until Friday, but yesterday and today have been a write off. Giant bags of crisps, multipack of timeout bars, 4 litres of coke, cornish pasty. In fact the best thing I ate was probably the fried egg that went with my sausage and beans?

I'm as lost as you, I feel like such a failure and so weak. I deserve to be fat!

Be strong with me, tomorrow is a new day and a new week! Fresh starts, we haven't failed until we give up trying. Sending hugs x

 

[Surfhunny]

Thanks Kerry x Today I'm starting over, so far I've had half a litre of water and having my first shake. I need to get this done. But I think I also needed to have this blow out. I needed to get out of my house and away from being on my own for a couple of days. I'm dreading WI because all I seem to do is make excuses for myself!

I'm sick of feeling so fat, I've only got just over a stone and a half to go to my target so why can't I just crack on and do it??? I'm still fed up with the rest of my life, I actually feel numb!! That's a pretty scarey feeling, feeling numb about everything! I'm not usually this blah about everything but I just can't seem to pull myself together. I had a good night last night at my friends BBQ and staggered home late so I'm totally shattered today which isn't really helping me feel better :-(

I'm going to try not to be negative about starting again I just need to somehow find the strength to resist food, any food - ALL FOOD!!! I think SS+ might actually be my downfall, once I've had a bit I want more so if I don't allow myself anything maybe I'll be less inclined to cheat. I hope that this might be the one part of my life I can get control over and maybe I can start feeling happy again because I hate feeling like this! I hate that when I read over my posts from the last few days I sound like such a pathetic mess!!!

 

[cornishkez]

Your not a pathetic mess! Look how far you've come, you haven't got far to go now. It doesn't matter if you get it done this year, or the next or the year after that. Just think about what you have managed to lose and keep off forever.

Be strong today, I can't start CD today. I've got my finals on Wednesday and will be studying for the next 48 hours solid and there is no way I can do that while trying to get into ketosis. So I will be filling up on watermelon while trying to stay away from as much food as possible. Will have chicken salads etc.

Catch up with you later x

 

[Surfhunny]

FFS I couldn't even make it through one day, one sodding day!!! I need to get a grip on this or I'm in serious danger of spiraling completely out of control!!! So this is it........

Make or Break Time!!

I need to start this diet again, from scratch like it's the first time I've ever done it. It's crazy, I have less than 2 stone to lose, in the great big scheme of things it's a tiny amount. I just need to get a hold of myself before it's too late. These next few days are going to be hard, I know it, but I've got to get through it. I have no choice.

I need to remember this horrible feeling and next time I want to put anything in my face that isn't CD I need to think again about how it feels right now. I'm going to take it slowly, day by day and not have any expectations about how much weight I'm going to lose in any set period of time....I feel like maybe my diet has gone to pot because I'm rebelling against targets again (I don't know if it's true or I'm just looking for excuses). So like Kez said, it doesn't matter if I get there this year or next year I just need to keep going in the right direction. I can't give up on CD, not yet!

I've set myself a few little goals, that should be pretty achievable if I take it one day at a time. I'm not going to put it in writing though, that way I can't rebel........

This is one thing in my life I can fix, so while everything else is out of my control I need to focus on fixing my weight problems. Baby steps....

 

[Surfhunny]

I've just emailed my CDC to tell her exactly how I feel because I know come WI on Wed I'll go in and pretend that everything is all right. So hopefully she'll read that and realise that I need a heck of a lot more support than I let on. I act like I'm an old pro at this but really right now I need so much help!!