The diary of a spod.
- Thread starter spod
- Start date
spod
needs to get out more!
Thanks Janey.
I love him so much and I know now that he still loves me but hes punishing himself for something that isnt his fault but he's got it in to his head he's not a nice guy and he is. He just cant see it. How do you cope with something like this? What the hell am I supposed to do?
If I stay here or come back for the job, will it make everything worse? Do I need to be on the opposite side of the planet from him? Have spoken to a mutual friend who said he was distraught at work today. He has promised to keep an eye on him and make sure he is ok. But he will still be on his own an awful lot and I hate the thought of that.
Wish he would change his mind and decide we can work through this, there was a little glipse of that there before he had to go for his appointment, but I think it was only fleeting.
I feel as if my throat is being squeezed from the inside and my heart has been torn in two. I now understand the term broken hearted. Wish I didnt.
I love him so much and I know now that he still loves me but hes punishing himself for something that isnt his fault but he's got it in to his head he's not a nice guy and he is. He just cant see it. How do you cope with something like this? What the hell am I supposed to do?
If I stay here or come back for the job, will it make everything worse? Do I need to be on the opposite side of the planet from him? Have spoken to a mutual friend who said he was distraught at work today. He has promised to keep an eye on him and make sure he is ok. But he will still be on his own an awful lot and I hate the thought of that.
Wish he would change his mind and decide we can work through this, there was a little glipse of that there before he had to go for his appointment, but I think it was only fleeting.
I feel as if my throat is being squeezed from the inside and my heart has been torn in two. I now understand the term broken hearted. Wish I didnt.
spod
needs to get out more!
I hope we will talk when he gets back, I think we will, he sent me a text saying that we would but he needs to clear his head now.
I can honestly say I have never felt this bad before. Have split up with other guys but never felt this empty and alone / helpless. I guess its cos we both have feeling for each other still - which is why I want to work at our marriage. Really hope he comes to that conclusion too but I'm not being too optimistic. Each time I hear footsteps on the stairs I think its him and my stomach jumps. Really dont know how I will get over this. (I know I will - I presume so anyway) but at the moment I cant see how. Dont want to be with anyone but him. He keeps telling me I'll find a nice guy who will treat me properly, but I want him. :sigh:
He's hurting too - if we stay together that would solve the problem of being upset about not being with each other anymore and the rest of the stuff we could work on together.
I can honestly say I have never felt this bad before. Have split up with other guys but never felt this empty and alone / helpless. I guess its cos we both have feeling for each other still - which is why I want to work at our marriage. Really hope he comes to that conclusion too but I'm not being too optimistic. Each time I hear footsteps on the stairs I think its him and my stomach jumps. Really dont know how I will get over this. (I know I will - I presume so anyway) but at the moment I cant see how. Dont want to be with anyone but him. He keeps telling me I'll find a nice guy who will treat me properly, but I want him. :sigh:
He's hurting too - if we stay together that would solve the problem of being upset about not being with each other anymore and the rest of the stuff we could work on together.
abz
Gold Member
all you can do honey is have a long talk about it. try and convince him that you mean what you say. if the outcome is the same then it is the same, but it may change. quite often we make these decisions and don't feel we can take them back. maybe with some talk he will. maybe he won't. but you WILL get through this whichever way it falls. there are always options honey. even when it feels that there aren't.
i'm thinking of you babes.
abz xx
i'm thinking of you babes.
abz xx
spod
needs to get out more!
Maybe...I am still hopeful - not given up all hope yet after this afternoon's talk. Maybe I am being deluded, but there is a little part of me (only really tiny tho) that is sure he will change his mind before I go. Thats what I am hoping anyway... Never thought we would split up, not in a million years. We have always got through stuff before, so this is workout-able too. I am sure of it, just need him to be along for the ride so to speak...
Going to go and do something productive, he will be home in about 30 mins, so wish me luck...
and a massive thank you for being there for me.
xx
Going to go and do something productive, he will be home in about 30 mins, so wish me luck...
and a massive thank you for being there for me.
xx
clarri
Gold Member
Megan
I feel so desperately for you. I dont know what to say, but I think you are making the right decision to go home and have a break from it all. This is not your fault, it is obviously situational and no matter what you do, or how much support you give, when someone is going through torment, only they can deal with it, and sometimes they need to be on their own to do it. Its not fair on you but from the little you have said, you have obviously been a huge support to your OH over the past year, from him dealing with the ptsd to moving to China, so you have to think of yourself now and what is right for you.
Big hug to you. You need to rest. Even if you lie and close your eyes. Do you meditate or anything like that. Please try. You will feel a bit better (maybe only a little) for it.
xxxx
I feel so desperately for you. I dont know what to say, but I think you are making the right decision to go home and have a break from it all. This is not your fault, it is obviously situational and no matter what you do, or how much support you give, when someone is going through torment, only they can deal with it, and sometimes they need to be on their own to do it. Its not fair on you but from the little you have said, you have obviously been a huge support to your OH over the past year, from him dealing with the ptsd to moving to China, so you have to think of yourself now and what is right for you.
Big hug to you. You need to rest. Even if you lie and close your eyes. Do you meditate or anything like that. Please try. You will feel a bit better (maybe only a little) for it.
xxxx
) Hope you managed to get talking today. My thoughts are still with you xxxxx
spod
needs to get out more!
Thanks guys. We talked and talked and talked. Its so complicated but basically it boils down to the PTSD he suffers with. I am finding it really hard to explain because people dont understand what its like to have PTSD or to live with someone who has it.
We have tried to make this work so many times but it always gets back to him being withdrawn and snappy and me getting paranoid and panicky about everything I say or do. He is very high maintenance and I cant maintain him. I hope you can understand - its so hard to explain his mental state. I hate the fact he has PTSD and the way he is now is like so many other ex military people. He is a good man but he really doesnt think so.
We are still talking, I am still trying to convice him that we should try again, but like I said, we have tried again a few times now and it always reverts back to this. Its not his fault.
What a complete and utter mess.
xx
xx
We have tried to make this work so many times but it always gets back to him being withdrawn and snappy and me getting paranoid and panicky about everything I say or do. He is very high maintenance and I cant maintain him. I hope you can understand - its so hard to explain his mental state. I hate the fact he has PTSD and the way he is now is like so many other ex military people. He is a good man but he really doesnt think so.
We are still talking, I am still trying to convice him that we should try again, but like I said, we have tried again a few times now and it always reverts back to this. Its not his fault.
What a complete and utter mess.
xx
xx
spod
needs to get out more!
Last day in Hangzhou. Feels weird. Have talked non stop to OH, far more than we have in ages and ages. I think I understand a bit more now but it hurts so much. We will remain friends I hope, we have no bad feeling and there doesnt need to be. It hurts enough already.
Got to finish packing, so this is my last post from China as I have to pack my laptop and get on and have a shower and do some ironing etc. it sounds stupid but I want to make it as easy for him as I can, so I am going to iron some of his shirts & suits. He is finding it all very difficult, but its the little thing I can do to help him out. Dont care if anyone thinks thats doormat-ish, his health is crap and he need all the help he can get until a cleaner who does the ironing is sorted out.
Meeting my friend and her baby for lunch because its Tuesday and then to the cafe as usual and then my OH and her OH will come and meet us same as usual and we will go for a final dinner. I will try and keep it together but its going to be very hard.
Got to leave the apartment at 6am tomorrow. OH is coming with me to the coach. I asked him too. I want to spend as much time with his as I can whilst I can. I feel closer to him now than I have in a long time and he feels the same, but I dont think anything will change. I dont think he will want me back (although secretly I am hoping at the moment) Only time will tell.
Need to sort me out, so I shall say farewell from China. Thanks for all your support, you are lovely, lovely people who care about someone you have never met and I really appreciate that.
Will post when I am back in the UK, probably Friday as I dont arrive at Manchester until 22:30 on Thursday.
Feel so sick thinking about leaving i always find the build up worse (like when I had to rehome my cats), the journey is going to be quite horrendous I think. Didnt cry much last night but sure am making up for it today, thatand shaking - must look like a right mess.
Hope you all have a good couple of days and I will check in on Friday. :wave_cry:
xx
Got to finish packing, so this is my last post from China as I have to pack my laptop and get on and have a shower and do some ironing etc. it sounds stupid but I want to make it as easy for him as I can, so I am going to iron some of his shirts & suits. He is finding it all very difficult, but its the little thing I can do to help him out. Dont care if anyone thinks thats doormat-ish, his health is crap and he need all the help he can get until a cleaner who does the ironing is sorted out.
Meeting my friend and her baby for lunch because its Tuesday and then to the cafe as usual and then my OH and her OH will come and meet us same as usual and we will go for a final dinner. I will try and keep it together but its going to be very hard.
Got to leave the apartment at 6am tomorrow. OH is coming with me to the coach. I asked him too. I want to spend as much time with his as I can whilst I can. I feel closer to him now than I have in a long time and he feels the same, but I dont think anything will change. I dont think he will want me back (although secretly I am hoping at the moment) Only time will tell.
Need to sort me out, so I shall say farewell from China. Thanks for all your support, you are lovely, lovely people who care about someone you have never met and I really appreciate that.
Will post when I am back in the UK, probably Friday as I dont arrive at Manchester until 22:30 on Thursday.
Feel so sick thinking about leaving i always find the build up worse (like when I had to rehome my cats), the journey is going to be quite horrendous I think. Didnt cry much last night but sure am making up for it today, thatand shaking - must look like a right mess.
Hope you all have a good couple of days and I will check in on Friday. :wave_cry:
xx
kopcat
Gold Member
Megan,
Don't know if you're flying to Manchester because that's where the plane goes....or if you're from the area. If you are from round here and you want to meet up for coffee and screaming (or even just a chat) when you get back - just let me know. I'll have much of the next 3 weeks off after your return.....
Have a safe journey. Hope the farewells weren't too horrendous for you!
Cate xx
Don't know if you're flying to Manchester because that's where the plane goes....or if you're from the area. If you are from round here and you want to meet up for coffee and screaming (or even just a chat) when you get back - just let me know. I'll have much of the next 3 weeks off after your return.....
Have a safe journey. Hope the farewells weren't too horrendous for you!
Cate xx
