The end of the line, or the beginning of a new life?

[White Tulip]

A feeder is someone who gives their partner lots of food as some kind of fetish but it's basically in order to keep them from leaving. It's often men who get the women fat but can be the other way around.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feeder_(sexual_orientation) (content might offend!!!!!)

He is trying to find other ways to have a dig already. I was trying to have a conversation with him last night and in the end said he was too much hard work. It didn't matter what I said (we were talking about the huge numbers of blocks of flats that have sprung up and our differing views on whether there should be more) he picked and turned until I felt I was having a debate with a real hard-nosed union official rather than a casual conversation. He tries to make me 'bite' by trying to get me angry and it's hard but I don't. I just keep explaining my views and saying we all have a choice, but he just picks and picks like he's in some kind of courtroom cross analysis....

There's a pair of trousers finishing tonight on ebay I want. Identical to the ones I currently wear for work but in a 24. They are really hard wearing and have an elasticated waist so would definitely do for 2 stones more loss. They are going to be mine

 

[PinkyJay]

Hi Tulip congratulations firstly on your weight loss. I am sorry to voice my opinion here but it is awful how your OH picks and prods at you to undermine any good feeling you may have for yourself. People who do this often have self esteem problems themselves and do this to "big up" themselves as I'm sure you are aware. it's a form of control to boost themselves and their own low self worth. Don't be drawn into this as you begin to gain confidene in what and who you are. It sounds like he fears ge is losing the game of under minding you with your insecurities about your weight and is trying to regain control. Please forgive me if I have overstepped the mark but I feel so cross. X

 

[Kazski]

Am glad to hear I'm not the only ebay addict - I love the site, x

 

[minusfour]

Did you get the trousers?
I wish I hadn't asked about feeders, (yeah, I had to have a look!), but surely he would be the feeder if anyone was?
I'm not surprised to hear how difficult he is being as you drop the pounds, it must be driving him nuts. You have to wonder what he is actually seeking out of the relationship, when your successes are so unsettling for him. I would bet a large amount of money on him not having much insight in to this aspect of his own behaviour, I reckon he would be acting on a fairly primitive feeling of fear and percieved threat. If you keep going, and increase in self esteem and confidence, do you think it likely that you would remain within the relationship? If you do, I'm sure it would be on fairly different grounds, at some level he must know he isn't making the cut! It seems sad that he isn't celebrating your success with you!
We are though, you rock! Seriously, everyday I feel proud of your efforts. I can only imagine how hard it is sometimes. I can't wait to hear what you think about being slim!
Have a good one!

 

[White Tulip]

yes, I got the trousers
I had been panicking a bit as I have a job interview at work next Thursday within the department I'm currently in but will obviously have to play the part and go suited and booted. My black jacket I wore at work usually now drowns me as it's a size 28 and I find Ann Harvey generous and I couldn't find one on ebay similar (Ann Harvey, zips up, no pockets, collarless) and I don't like blazer style ones, I find them bulky and clumpy.

I then had a brainwave and with my new black trousers, I can team it with a NEXT blouse that is brand new (well, 2 years old, just never worn!) that now fits and I snaffled a rust colour Ann Harvey jacket size 24 on ebay today for £12 that is the same style. Also bought a green and burnt orange necklace so as long as the jacket vaguely fits, I'm sorted for around £25

Pinkjay - not talking out of turn at all.

I do have a funny feeling the cogs are starting to turn for OH. He hasn't laid a finger on me (yah know, cough) for exactly 7 years (bizarre I remember!) and he said on holiday just before I started CD he just can't bear to touch me at all. I mean - nothing. Shrugs my arm off him, recoils if I try to get near like i'm a bad smell.

Well, last night he did - quite full on ...I think something I said was playing on his mind from an earlier conversation......we didn't do, cough, yah know......but it was the first bit of pash for 7 years and it was great if a bit unexpected....yesterday morning he'd asked for a razor and I'd found one and said 'I won't need this - I'm going to go to a waxer next week - including a hollywood' because I just wanted some kind of reaction . I've always wanted to try a waxing session but been too as most are slim and young and I just couldn't do it, but I had a 'what the hell' moment

Anyway.....4.30 this morning and he kind of mentions it during....pillow talk and I say that yes, I am going to have a waxing and he said 'why, where you going?' I just said 'it's something I've always wanted to try'

And I thought........hmmmmmm.........bit of alpha male 'who else wants my woman' going on here......

can't believe I shared that :8855:

Gotta love the anonymity of the internet

 

[Kazski]

yay for you - am glad you got him thinking, you can bet it will play on his mind and I'd lay money on you getting more moments very soon. The power has shifted in your favour

your doing so well, I wish I had your strength
x

 

[minusfour]

Yeah, that is great news, I'm delighted to hear, (read) it! Credit to OH if he is stepping up. Far out, just imagine what your life might be like if this continues!
I think your hollywood wax is called a brazillion here. (Nothing left?) This is probably TMI, but since you shared... A few years ago, I wanted to surprise my OH for his birthday night.It was a bit impulsive, so I hadn't booked in anywhere. I decided to do a very careful job with one of those debilitory, (?) creams, using a barrier for my "bits".
There I am, cream "on", towel around my waist, when who should come in my unlocked back door, but my neighbours and their adult daughter. They had never visited before, usually I go to them. Those creams have a very strong, distinctive smell, and clearly I didn't have any on my legs- which they could see. I was still wearing a shirt and jumper, so clearly it wasn't on my pits. They didn't stay very long! Oh dear!

It must be fantastic finding all these clothes that suddenly fit!

 

[White Tulip]

ooh, I've had bad experiences with depilatory creams.......shudder....they burned my skin something awful each time I tried them......:cry:

I chatted to my CDC (who is a very close friend and knows what OH is like) and she said she felt he was doing it to try to keep control. He gives a little of what I want/desire/need and it keeps me 'there'. I sent him what I thought was a lovely text yesterday saying I had enjoyed the closeness and that I wanted to build on it. I said I felt that we had an amazing chemistry between us.....nothing. No reply and it wasn't mentioned last night So back to him being closed off I guess.

Visitors over the weekend so lots of cooking to do. It weirdly doesn't bother me now. For the first few weeks I used to breathe through my mouth whilst cooking for OH so I couldn't be enticed by the smells if I breathed through my nose! I don't even think about it now.

I am in my first piece of NEXT clothing. It's a black fitted blouse. OK, it's a 28 but it is fitted and it's never fit me. It was quite tight when I bought it 'to slim into' and then it just got way too tight and almost didn't button up. It now officially fits and I tried it on with a long, straight black skirt with a split up the front that has been languishing for years and I thought I looked quite smart

 

[minusfour]

If OH was using intimacy to manipulate you, that is really low, and speaks much more about who he is than about you.
" Though I sit down now, the time will come when you will hear me"
Benjamin Disraeli
Sweet girl, you are doing the most wonderful job. Each day you are a step closer to that elusive upper hand.

 

[PinkyJay]

I sent him what I thought was a lovely text yesterday saying I had enjoyed the closeness and that I wanted to build on it. I said I felt that we had an amazing chemistry between us.....nothing. No reply and it wasn't mentioned last night So back to him being closed off I guess.

Hi White Tulip
Maybe your OH was embarrassed about talking about your passionate moments and this is why he was unable to reply, or it may be a sign of his own sexual insecurities.
Either way if its how you want things to continue then look forward to another time. 7 years is a long time and he is obviously looking at your in a desirable way again for it to have happened. One step at a time for both of you.

And what harm does it do to make him think there may be another man interested, let's hope it makes him relaise he is not the only man in the world and if things don't change you may go seeking for the passion he is unable to provide.
Woman are sexy at any shape or size and if you begin to ooze with sexual confidence other men may begin to notice you.
As I've heard many times "there is nothing like a sexually confident women who knows what she wants to make a man sit up and notice"

Keep up the good work hun you are an inspiration

 

[PinkyJay]

" Though I sit down now, the time will come when you will hear me" Benjamin Disraeli

By the way minusfour I love that quote

 

[minusfour]

Hope you are having a good one!

 

[White Tulip]

hi all.

3 pounds off this week so 51 pounds in 9 weeks. Means I've lost 3 stone 9 pounds and so I've bought my next bead - an emerald birthstone one as I was born in May. Hoping to hit 4 stone in 2 weeks time. I think I will go for a letter 'K' for 4 stone which is the first letter of my first name

Oh is doing my head in. I tried to give him a kiss the other night as he was on the sofa and he said 'get off, your lips are wet' and I said 'well that wasn't what you were saying the other night' and he replied 'well it isn't the other night now, is it'. Think that puts to be any thoughts about him finding it hard to talk.

Got my sister and niece staying for the weekend. There are sweets, chocolates and fudge all over the house, it's like being in a sweet shop of tempations.

Just had words with OH. He had a few drinks at a bbq he (apparently - didn't even know he was going) went to yesterday afternoon. He came back and my niece, who is 8 was on the wii fit. He was fine to start with but then went into 'playground bully' mode and said she wasn't very good at it, and was useless. She started to get upset and he said she was a spoilt mardy girl. I assured her she wasnt'. Just dropped him in town (he wanted a lift to the pub ) and I raised this. Apparently I'm 'bitter and twisted because I've never had children'. He has children 2 children and left both relationships when they were around 3 and has never had full time care as a parent for either of them. He denies saying it and then says he doesn't know what he said 'but wouldn't have said it 'like that'. He did, he was mean to her and at one point she said 'do you not consider the feelings of anyone anymore' which I thought was a real 'out of the mouth of babes' comment. I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't. He redeemed himself later by being nice to her when she said she had nightmares and but apparently he 'didn't need to redeem himself'.

There's no talking to him. He's instantly onthe defensive and is never wrong. Any sign of being told home truths and he just says 'fine I'll go back to my own house' like a teenager having a tantrum.

 

[minusfour]

Great news about the loss, it's an amazing number!

That bloody man! It's like he is playing with you, isn't it, give a bit, withdraw it without warning. Trying to pick fights. Insulting you for no reason- bitter and twisted- when confronted with his own bad behaviour, and then "forgetting" it!

The perfect lose/lose situation.

Has he got his own home, and would you be heart broken if he did leave? It really does seem like he is engaged in some sort of power play with you, like he has to keep you in a constantly weak position, just waiting to see what comes next. (From him) His refusal to engage in any sort of discussion is boardering on abusive-is he intimating that you somehow don't deserve any explantion, or to be treated better?

From a distance, he stinks. I hope I'm not offending you in saying that, it's just I was married to one who sounds very similair. By constantly keeping all my attention diverted to just getting through each day with him (lordy only knew what it would bring, I could never guess), I never had the energy to really look at what I had, and what I wanted, and make my get away. I think your OH might be up to the same thing.

A loving partner doesn't have any interest in you being unhappy.

If you can't leave, I reckon you'd best defend yourself by really trying not to get sucked in to any of the BS, which I'm sure you are well practised at. You are not the one with the problem here. You need to keep reminding yourself of that!

Good luck!

 

[minusfour]

' Don't saythings. What you are stands over you the while, and thunders so that I cannot hear what you say to the contrary"
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Either way it fits!

 

[PinkyJay]

Oh is doing my head in. I tried to give him a kiss the other night as he was on the sofa and he said 'get off, your lips are wet' and I said 'well that wasn't what you were saying the other night' and he replied 'well it isn't the other night now, is it'. Think that puts to be any thoughts about him finding it hard to talk.

:sigh::sigh::sigh::sigh::sigh:
Well Tulip I was hoping this guy was feeling a bit embarrassed about talking about his feelings but it does look like I'm wrong.


I have to agree with minusfour on what she says all the way.

This guy is making your life miserable not happy and it could be time for you to re-access things and what he provides in the way of good for you.
If he has his own home maybe sometime out may work like minusfour says.

This guy sounds like a bully and to pick on children and then deny it makes him the worst sort.

Do you love him White Tulip ?
Be happy hun and don't ever let another human being spoil that.

The way I look at it is what would you advice a best friend/sister or another loved one to do. Maybe you need to listen to what you would say.
Stay strong xx

 

[Awaken Me]

Well done on hitting 50lbs Miss 'K' . It really is an awesome achievement and like me you're in it to the end . I have absolutely no doubt that you'll hit your target weight.

And just echoing what the other girls have said really but your OH is very unpleasant. The constant digs, playing with your emotions and affections is so cruel. I may only know you 'online' but you are open and vibrant and warm and you deserve so much better than this man - just know your time will come Miss 'K' xx

 

[White Tulip]

That bloody man! It's like he is playing with you, isn't it, give a bit, withdraw it without warning. Trying to pick fights. Insulting you for no reason- bitter and twisted- when confronted with his own bad behaviour, and then "forgetting" it!

to be honest, you have him wrapped up completely

Has he got his own home, and would you be heart broken if he did leave?

he does, yes. It's only a quarter of a mile away. When he went ski-ing in January he wouldn't even give me a key to check on his house he totally refused. No, I wouldn't be heartbroken. I do feel that we could have a good relationship but he just puts barriers up either verbally, emotionally or physically at every turn and I have gone through being upset over the years to thinking it's my fault, to trying to please him, to now starting to 'dislike' him and it's sad because I'm not a 'disliking' kind of person

It really does seem like he is engaged in some sort of power play with you, like he has to keep you in a constantly weak position, just waiting to see what comes next. (From him) His refusal to engage in any sort of discussion is boardering on abusive-is he intimating that you somehow don't deserve any explantion, or to be treated better?

again a good summary of how he thinks. I've told him this is how he thinks and he just says stuff like 'so you're an expert now are you?'

From a distance, he stinks. I hope I'm not offending you in saying that, it's just I was married to one who sounds very similair. By constantly keeping all my attention diverted to just getting through each day with him (lordy only knew what it would bring, I could never guess), I never had the energy to really look at what I had, and what I wanted, and make my get away. I think your OH might be up to the same thing.

A loving partner doesn't have any interest in you being unhappy.

If you can't leave, I reckon you'd best defend yourself by really trying not to get sucked in to any of the BS, which I'm sure you are well practised at. You are not the one with the problem here. You need to keep reminding yourself of that!

Good luck!

no, not offended at all, and thankyou for all the supportive comments. He's never had a relationship end on a 'good' note and they've all been 'witches'.

thankyou to everyone else listening to me whinge

Well, a funny old day. My sister and niece left and I felt a bit 'empty'. Weird, I'm not the most family orientated of people but it was a lovely weekend. We walked along the waters edge into town, they bought the most amazing hand made fudge and then we went to Lush and a man in face paints washed my hand to show me one of the face scrub products I bought some facial cleaner, toner and moisturiser. I've never really done anything beauty related but with losing the weight I can definitely see a bit of 'puckering' of the skin around my neck/cheeks and I want to do something now about it.

The Ann Harvey size 24 jacket arrived and it fits really well Might be a bit snug with the blouse under it but it's only for a little while for the interview.

I went to the waxer She was brilliant. Really, really brilliant. So easy to talk to, the same age as me (40 this year), really put me at ease and said size really wasn't an issue. I will definitely be going back again Had legs, underarms, eyebrows and.......cough.......the whole lot off and some bits 'smarted' a bit but it wasn't too bad. Bit tender in a couple of patches now though :8855:

 

[PinkyJay]

Waxing the lower areas Tulip you are brave . I completely waxed there once and ouch never again. It soo hurt!! Be prepared for when it starts to grow back the itching is awful. Buy hey it's a very liberating feeling so enjoy lol. X

 

[minusfour]

Oh, good news about the jacket!

I've had that same empty feeling after a good family weekend, empty is a really good term for it, like the wind could pass right through you.

You are so brave with the waxing! I am ultra impressed! How long did it take? Will you have it done again? I once won a bet with my OH, can't remember what for, but he must have been really confident, because if he lost he was meant to have a "back, crack and sack" wax. The very idea makes him pale. (I let him off)

Hope things with your OH are smoother today. I wonder what was behind the key refusal? Was it just to imply that he didn't trust you, and or that you were not suffuciently important to him to have the key do you think? Or could he be hiding something, literally? It's academic anyhow, the insult was surely intended.

I wonder what he would do if you withdrew a bit. Ceased to show much interest in his life, shrugged your shoulders instead of bite when he was trying to torment you, developed new interests which didn't involve him?

You might not be the disliking type, but I reckon this is probably a good reaction from you, very sane at least! He doesn't always behave in a very likable way.

I'll shut up and go to bed!

Take away the cause, and the effect ceases"

Miguel de Cerrantes