The end of the line, or the beginning of a new life?

[White Tulip]

Not a good day 'head' wise. Feel quite down, to the point of nearly crying to a sad song on the radio. Hoping it's hormonal as TOTM due early next week but this is a real red light feeling in relation to food. In the past I would have just sat and stuffed myself - with chocolate mostly - when I felt like this.

Me and some colleagues were all given a small gift by someone as a 'thankyou' for helping them through a qualification they had done. All individually wrapped gifts. I thought - please don't let it be food related. .......it was. It is a pack of 12 mini Ritter chocolate bars. Sigh. I've put them in my drawer at work along with the Aero bubbles I was bought right back at the beginning of CD.

My 3.5 stone bead arrived, which is good. It's got lots of little emeralds. I am going to start looking next week for a letter 'K' bead for when I get to 4 stone.

The trousers arrived from ebay. They aren't the same as the ones I have. Bum. They are too tight around the bum!!! I think they are around a stone and a half away so hopefully in 6 weeks they will fit.

Yes, I had my waxing!! It took around an hour and some bits were fine (backs of legs, sides of legs) some bits hurt a little and some bits did smart a fair bit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The waxer was brilliant. I mean, really brilliant. She was warm, open and friendly. Nothing phased her and she was great. Same age as me and she really doesn't feel size is an issue for waxing. I can't believe the things I let her do to me!!

I told OH that I'd been and he just shrugged. I went to bed around 12 and he promised he wouldn't fall asleep on the sofa (as he always does 7 nights a week). He got into bed at 5.50am after falling asleep on the sofa.......my current thoughts about him plus my general feelings generally mean I am going to have to be so careful I don't say 'sod it'. I won't do that, I know I won't. But I might get closer than I've been in the last 9 weeks and it is a bit scary.

 

[Kazski]

hi, I can't believe your strength with both emotional and physical temptation you should feel so proud x

 

[great things]

hi

i have sat and read your diary. it's taken me a few attempts since last night, kids getting the way etc.

you are fantastic, a true inspiration and keeping going against pain, torture and food.

as far as your OH, hope this doesn't offend you but, i would gladly beat him up for you he's a real pain. i can't believe how he treats you. as for you saying he's 'fit' he's not. doing football once a week does not make him fit, if he's out for an hour doing that once a week.... you do wii fit 7 days a week for 20 mins you've done more exercise than him. he is just fat and lazy and uses you. you cook for him, probably do his washing, ironing, you'll be cleaning. he's got it all - you running after him and all he does is be abusive and nasty, plus controlling. you deserve so much better, an equal relationship. my hubby has always said he loves me no matter what size i am. he's a grown man so saying that you got him fat is rediculous. he's the one eating the food. he could stop at any time but no, he'd rather blame someone else instead of taking responsibility for his own actions. have you talked to your ex about all this, as you obviously have a lovely talkative relationship with him? if so what does he say?

goal.... 11st 7lbs is very realistic. that's my goal and i haven't quite got there and have lost my mojo at 11st 10lbs. so that's it for me for now. i am a size 14 sometimes a 12 and am around the same height as you. you will look totally stunning at 12 st and awesome at 11st 7lbs. ignore your OH, he has no idea!

i love your bracelet idea, i have a chamilia one and fill it with charms that are special to me. i never thought about getting one for each 7lbs/14lbs lost. wish i did now

hope you have a good day.

 

[minusfour]

It is scary, being that close. Not much between your state, and stuff it! The pressures on you have really stacked up, and with TTOM, oh, close to unbearable. Still, 50 pounds is amazing, something is happening to you/within you, it's not like you are riding on OHs shirt tails.
Another perspective is that, in spite of considerable pressure, a disappointing lack of support, ample temptation, and probably years of bad habits, you are incredible enough to stay on course. Strong, focused and determined, you recognise danger signs, but have an inner faith that you won't fold. Inspirational!
I'm really glad I "met" you, sweet girl! Hope it gets a bit easier!

 

[White Tulip]

I'm really glad I "met" you, sweet girl! Hope it gets a bit easier!

oh, that made me go , thankyouxx

And thankyou for all the other supportive comments also.

I feel much better today - completely back to 'normal' with a ketosis spring to my step. Must have been a hormonal 'wave' going over me.

Had a sneaky look on the scales and I should nicely break the 20 stone barrier on Sunday

I am going out for the day/night on Friday - a real rarity for me so I'm nervous and excited. I have decided to go up the plans a little for 24 hours. I will have a shake for breakfast on Friday, then a chicken and green leaf salad and a bar for lunch on the train. For dinner, I will eat 'carefully' low carb (probably chicken salad again) and I am going to treat myself to a little (but literally a little) alcohol, probably 2 glasses of wine, max. I will then be back to normal on Saturday. Breakfast is included in the room so that will be hard to resist but I will be so close to weigh in I am not going to eat it! I think that should be fine, it's kind of going to 810 I guess.

 

[great things]

if you are going to have alcohol you need to be out of ketosis it will affect you really badly if you are not. i'm pi$$ed after 1 glass these days.

 

[Awaken Me]

I feel much better today - completely back to 'normal' with a ketosis spring to my step. Must have been a hormonal 'wave' going over me.

Excellent news - I didn't think you would have a 'choclolate' moment but I'm glad you're feeling much better today.

Had a sneaky look on the scales and I should nicely break the 20 stone barrier on Sunday

Woo-hoo welcome to the 19's - I love it here

I am going out for the day/night on Friday - a real rarity for me so I'm nervous and excited. I have decided to go up the plans a little for 24 hours. I will have a shake for breakfast on Friday, then a chicken and green leaf salad and a bar for lunch on the train. For dinner, I will eat 'carefully' low carb (probably chicken salad again) and I am going to treat myself to a little (but literally a little) alcohol, probably 2 glasses of wine, max. I will then be back to normal on Saturday. Breakfast is included in the room so that will be hard to resist but I will be so close to weigh in I am not going to eat it! I think that should be fine, it's kind of going to 810 I guess.

Sounds great. Let your hair down and enjoy your day/night out (go easy on the booze..)

 

[White Tulip]

I guess I need to find the most pain free way of being out of ketosis then....I only intend to have 2 glasses maximum but don't want to get pished.

I've seen the menu for the evening and it's basically posh wraps/sandwiches as it's a cocktail bar with light food. There's a roast chicken one which I will go for. It comes with salad and kettle chips.

I might only have 1 glass of wine and then stick to water. I haven't been a huge drinker since my partying days many years ago and as it's more of a 'chatting' get together than a party, I can't see much alcohol being drunk generally.

OH is getting very rattled, I am now even more sure.......he knew I was going out but I think he thought it was local. I asked if he would be around tomorrow morning and he said yes. I then asked if he'd drop me at the station......silence........and then being woken in the night again....as soon as he did I thought - this is too much of a coincidence really....twice in a month (however fleeting) has been more than the last couple of years put together.

 

[minusfour]

Ah, I'm so pleased for you! I hope you have a great time, and don't get too hung up on the food and drink stuff! Good news about the sneaky weigh in too!
I must be quite mean, I'm sort of pleased to hear OH is rattled! I think he needs to be, and that he should be. While I was waiting in a line at the bank today, I started imagining a grotesque, but none the less quite amusing, (to me) situation in which a woman started a campaign of psychological warfare with her unsatisfactory OH, aided by a group of people she had befriended on the net! The unpredictabilty factor would be increased by sometimes the woman being influenced by only one individual, and at other times several working as a committee. See, I am mean, and I should sleep more, but it would be very funny! OH doesn't know how lucky he is!
Hope you have a great time away!

 

[White Tulip]

lol....that is so funny minusfour!!!

I have had the most amazing reaction to my weight loss.

Nobody has yet noticed at work. I've told nobody.

I went to my interview this afternoon. One panel member is my manager (bloke, struggles with his weight) and he asked if I wanted to take off my jacket as it was warm. I said I was ok (jackets are my security blanket!) and the other panel member starting saying how cold her new office was. I agreed and said I was cold all the time. My manager asked if I was ok, why I was now cold, was my desk in a draught and I said no, it was just me.

On leaving, I said I was out tomorrow night and he said not to drink too much. I said I won't be drinking much and he said - you've got to on a night out!! I said erm....well, it's my diet and he said 'aaaah, is that why you're cold' and I said yes. I took a deep breath and said 'I'm hoping to hit 4 stone off this Sunday or the one after'.

You'd think I was his daughter announcing a long awaited pregnancy. He said 'wowwww!' and I said 'in 10 weeks. Since the 6 June'. I thought he was going to keel over in shock. He kept saying OMG, that is amazing, and then he punched the air with a big grin on his face!!

I was a cross between a bit embarrassed (nice embarrassed) and surprised at his reaction (nice surprised!) and he looked me up and down and went 'that is just so amazing'.

Made my day

Oh, and I saw a member of staff who doesn't know me that well and we've only met once back in June (we're split across 2 sites) but we had a long chat when we did meet and he went by and said 'I know you?' and I said 'yes, we were in the same team on the team building day' and he went 'oooh yes.........hmm...you look really different though....' I said 'I've got my hair up at the front' and he went 'that must be it yes. It looks nice'

Interview went well, should hear tomorrow. It will be an immediate start if I get it.

 

[kellierocks]

Best of luck, and hopefully tomorrow has the news you need.
Love your manager's reaction, but completely deserved!
Well done.

As for OH, I want to slap but I really love minus four's idea!. Believe in yourself, your confidence, beauty, intelligence, kindness.
I am so impressed with your dedication.

 

[White Tulip]

I got the job!! :happy036:

My head of service just called me from home to tell me as she didn't want me wondering whilst I was out and then over the weekend

I will start pretty much immediately. It's a step back up in life for me as when I went through being bullied I went from nearly 30k and being in a management position down to nothing salary wise and it's taken me over 3 years to slowly climb back up again, re-gaining my confidence bit by bit.

OH will poo-poo it. He says I should go somewhere where I'm on 30k. I've said there aren't jobs out there for me at 30k (well not many!) and the ones I'm applying for there are loads of candiates. I still have to hear about the job I was put forward for when I went for the other interview. That closes this weekend. It's only another 1k and he repeatedly says I'll be better off there.

Well, this is my choice. I am happy to stay with my current employer and take the step up. So to him and his put downs

 

[kellierocks]

WELL DONE!!!!!

 

[great things]

FANTASTIC! CONTRATULATIONS! you are amazing. :bliss:

 

[Awaken Me]

Minusfour - count me in..lol.

What a fantastic day for you. Huge congratulations on getting the job and your manager's reaction was just lovely. Get used to the compliments they will soon come thick and fast, I'm still struggling with them but it is so nice to receive them. Have a wonderful day tomorrow I look forward to hearing all about it.

 

[Kazski]

brilliant, well done, what an amazing day

 

[minusfour]

Oh, congratulations, fantastic news about the job, good on you! I am almost clucking like a chook, I am so pleased to hear about your job!
Also delightful the news about your managers reaction to your weight loss. I confess, I have read about it three times already, and intend to read it again. I'm really pleased to think that you are getting that acknowledgment of success that you have long deserved. Enjoy some of your rewards for all your hard work!

(Promotion and acknowledgments!)

I have had a terrible week, one of the main problems being bullying from this tyrant at my local bank branch. It is a long story, so I won't start, but clearly he was acting against the banks interests, as well as mine, for no apparent reason. When I requested a meeting with the branch manger, he did make me an appointment, but- get this- when I arrived at the appointed time, the manager wasn't there, he wasn't there, and no-one had a clue what I was doing there.

Although it did feel like a personal attack, I've never met him, so it cannot be. He couldn't have thought he get away with it, surely not??? When I went in to the branch today, to do works weekly deposit, all the tellers were quite openly talking about it, "sorry" one said, "he took the phone off me". (I had rung up to make a quite reasonable request) I don't think I am the only one he has given a hard time too. (The tellers all knew about the broken appointment too. Gossip at the branch counter-what will happen next?)

I hate bullies, but I especially hate stupid bullies! (If you must indulge, don't insult us too)There is always someone, it seems, wanting to flex their muscles in life. Up until the broken appointment, he probably could have squirmed out of any complaint I made, inferring that I wasn't being completely truthful, that I had misunderstood, that I was taking him out of context. The appointment was a step too far, he couldn't help himself I guess, could not resist it. (And, I must say, it was pretty humilating, as well as a waste of a lunch hour, rushing down there)

I'll let you know what does happen next. I have read that there is no male "equivalent" for the term mysogeny in English, so of course I cannot begin to imagine what this poor man at the bank might have been feeling, when he had to deal with me. (An oestrogen affected view of his motivations. Yes.)

I had better post this, otherwise I'll lose it.

 

[minusfour]

Now, if I was writing a script or a book about a woman doing her badly behaved OH's head in, I would probably have some sort of promotion at work involved, hopefully with attendant pay rise.(Elevate her, easy way to create a distance between the two)

Most likely, this would be the result of some sort of lucky break- woman showing her worth in some unlikely situation to a "stranger" who just happened, (unbeknown to her of course) to have some role in promotions at her work place. I don't think I would have made it as a result of the woman's own proven worth in the work place- this would be stretching things a bit, surely the audience would find it hard to believe that a woman who could prove herself thus would put up with such a badly behaved OH in the first place? You see, truth is stranger than fiction, darling girl, perhaps the other committee members would disagree, but I'm not sure you even need us!

(Tonight I am both tired and have had two glasses of wine. Next week I will reveal the reformed minusfour that you will be craving, I swear!)

For the committee members;

"She could plan and carry out any mortal thing she liked"
Agatha Christie

And for White Tulip, with the oh so lucky (if ony he knew),OH :

"It is easy-terribly easy-to shake a mans faith in himself. To take advantage of that to break a man's spirit is devil's work"
George Bernard Shaw

 

[White Tulip]

minus four: I sympathise totally with regards to the bullying. The best piece of advice I was given at the beginning of what I went through (and this was from an HR manager who then did nothing else to help!) is to start a diary. Write all the incidents down, write down your feelings and how it makes you feel. 2 days before I left I handed in 118 pages of evidence. They officially said there was no evidence of bullying but unofficially paid me off.

Well, I'm back from my night out. It was amazing. I have come home feeling a combination of totally refreshed but also a bit of an emotional 'crash' after looking forward to it for so long. Had a bit of a cry when I got in

Food wise, well, a bit good, a bit bad. This is what I ate yesterday.

1 shake
1 bar
water

1 bottle rose wine over a 7 hour period (had no ill effects which was good)
2 strawberries
about 1 dessertspoon single cream
about 6 or 7 chocolate truffles

Today I've had

1 bar
1 shake
water
1 cup of tea with a splash of milk and sweetener (canderel as it was all the hotel had)

So, in a way, not bad. We didn't eat in the evening in the end (I was going to have a wrap) and I forgot the chicken salad I'd made to take with me to eat on the train.

The chocolate truffles and a bottle of wine wasn't the best move, CD wise, but it hasn't bothered me or made me want to binge. In fact I was very proud of myself at the train station on the way back. The station has a small arcade of shops inside and 80% were food related shops. Burger King, cafes, muffins, doughnuts, pastries, chocolates, baguettes, juices etc. I looked down on them all from the top of the escalator and was shocked at how much convenience food was readily available in such a small area. The old me would have bought either a long baguette from Upper Crust or something from Burger King, I know I would.

I presumed I'd knock myself out of ketosis because of the alcohol and chocolate but I have my normal feeling of coldness so maybe I haven't. I'll check with a stick later

I've emailed the local women's refuge to ask if they want some of my too big clothing. I'd rather they go to an immediate use and larger plus sizes are probably hard to come by in emergency situations.

Weigh in tomorrow.........I'd like them to read what the scales in my hotel room said (never found a set in a hotel room before!).......according to them, I'm 18 stone 7 :8855:

 

[PinkyJay]

Hi Tulip just caught up on your diary since I last posted. Sounds like you've had a rollercoaster of emotions! O/H is sounding most definitely rattled which I think is a good thing
Congratulations on your promotion sounds like you impressed your boss in more ways than 1 what a day.
I broke my SS on a few occasions but still lost so I'm sure you'll be just fine.
Keep up the good work and ever continuing positive thoughts x