The end of the line, or the beginning of a new life?

[minusfour]

Hi sweetheart,

Glad you had a good time, fingers crossed for weigh in today! It's amazing about the food available, isn' it? Sometimes it seems like a tsunami of calories out there, ready to drown us. It sounds like you were pretty restrained with eating and drinking. Are you always cold if in ketosis? I know you are not meant to have much of an appetite, which must help. Do you check with a urine test?

The bullying thing with the guy at the bank might be one of those rare cases where the baddie actually is exposed. Not sure. My business is reasonably big biccies for the bank- which I know, and most of the staff there know, but clearly this guy didn't. What I was asking them to do was for the local branch to make a telephone call to fast track something, it wasn't a big deal, and clearly should not have been a problem. His reaction was extrodinary, which is why I asked to see the manager. I reckon that, up until that point, he could have wheedled out of any complaint I might have made-probably some might think I had cause, but how could I prove it?- but the broken appointment was a big strategic mistake on his part. It really does expose the contempt he felt. Publically. Apart from stuffing me around, he left his collegues to clean up his mess.

I have lodged a formal complaint, by telephone with the national office. The lady I spoke to confirmed that the fast track request was reasonable, and would have been granted. I think the bank would have a hard time coming up with a reasonable excuse for the appointment stuff up, even if they wanted too. Which they may or may not. If it was one of my employees, I'd feel pretty annoyed with them.

It can be really hard to prove bullying- 118 pages hard-and many times in the past I have had to ignore it, move on etc. In this case I don't. It wasn't a terrible experience for me, more a pain in the neck, but if he treats a prominant business owner like this, I shudder to think how he might abuse his power with someone more vunerable, whose business the bank might feel more comfortable losing. From the tellers reactions at the branch, I reckon he might be a confirmed bully, long practiced. I have no idea whether anything will happen to him, but he is certainly going to have to explain himself to someone, which will not do him any harm.

 

[White Tulip]

Are you always cold if in ketosis?

yes, I'm so cold all the time when I'm sat doing nothing. It's weird, I hate to think what I will be like in winter!

Just keep going against the bully. I started off by questioning myself and my actions and had to repeatedly listen to those around me who kept saying what I was having done to me. Slowly, I slipped mentally, bit by bit. I looked haunted.....and even though people knew (in places like HR) nothing was done. Keep notes, keep times etc and don't let him get to you. It took me well over a year after I left to feel as if I was recovering. I had nightmares for a fortnight after I left that she was there with me and was on anti-depressants for a while.

Well......bit of a nice surprise in that I've lost 6 pounds this week which takes me under 20 stone to 19 stone 9. It's 4 stone 1 or 57 pounds.

Going under 20 stone is a big deal to me. I finally feel I am actually getting somewhere as it's over 4 years since I was under 20 stone.

Off to order my 4 stone letter 'K' bead on ebay

Went to look at buying a pair of trousers and have found out I officially have short legs! I always thought I had long, or at least standard length legs but everthing was too long! I came home and measured the pair I always wear and they are only 27 inches long!!!

So, my ebay search is now wide legged 'short' trousers!! The ones I have are way too big but I reckon I can get away with them for a couple more weeks.......or until they are around my ankles because they've fallen down!!

OH was his normal bundle of joy. I said (ironically) that I'd 'only' lost 6 pounds. He has a concept of weights etc so no excuse for 'well you need to get on the wii fit then'. I said 'the correct phrase was well done'. He replied 'I said well done, don't twist my words'.........I recounted what he had said and calmly asked where the words 'well done' were mentioned and he had no answer.......

 

[PinkyJay]

Fantastic Tulip on your 6 lb loss that is great going for week 10!!
Just ignore your OH as usual it seems to be his own insecurities rearing their ugly head.
Got my number 4 weigh in tomorrow hoping to have made the stone mark

 

[Awaken Me]

What a fantastic loss you must be thrilled to be in the 19's - pity your OH can't be happy for you. Your evening away sounded great and I'm pleased that it didn't make a dent in your loss this week.

I have followed your lead and yesterday I bought a lovely cardigan from ebay for the bargain price of £6.

 

[great things]

such a wonderful loss 6lbs is totally fantastic. you must be very pleased with yourself. you are doing so well. it's great being in the next stone down. i've lost, in my lifetime, almost half my body weight. at my heaviest i was almost 23 stone. i'm not under 12 stone. i've risen high after my babies but never to almost 23 stone again. been 18 stone after ems and 16 1/2 stone after matthew.

 

[minusfour]

Great loss, congratulations on the 20 stone achievement, enjoy you bead. That bloody OH!

 

[rubyangel]

hi,im new to the cambridge plan,have been reading youre achievements,congratulations youre doing really well.

 

[White Tulip]

Bad events yesterday in that a comment I made in frustration turned into a full blown meltdown with me getting everything off my chest about our sex life, all the names he's called me, the insensitive comments he's made, how he treats everything with more importance than me, how he is never here unless he wants to be and it's almost time for bed (I won't go on more!!) and a general comeback that he was 'hurt' by this, that I was insecure, bitter and twisted and a snide *****....he seemed incredulous that I felt all these things but then wasn't ready to accept that he was particularly in the wrong other than 'I need to be more thoughtful'. Things are currently very fragile, I felt very pushed down and defeated, however calm and rational I tried to stay. I kept using 'I feel' and 'I believe' to put my feelings forward but it was awful....he feels we hate each other (I said I don't hate him), that we have no feelings for each other (I said I do have feelings for him) and that he doesn't see any way back...I said it was about trying, working together but he doesn't seem keen to want to work on it. I reeled off loads of things we could do together but he doesn't want to do any of them. I offered to draw a line under any snide comments I'd made in the past (I said the reason I made them was because of how much he hurt me and they were made in frustration) but he said he 'doesn't trust me' not to bring things up in the future......so.........I don't know now what is going to happen.....

however, in better news, I ordered a size 22 top from Evans in the sale, a long grandad style shirt and it fit!! They don't have a 20 but there's no point in keeping the 22.

 

[great things]

well done on your top. so fantastic news.

on the other hand....your OH is very insecure. he doesn't see what he is doing as wrong. he doesn't take any responsibility for the way he behaves and blames you. it must be wonderful to be perfect.

 

[PinkyJay]

Tulip I feel for your current state of affairs and how this must have left you feeling. But somehow I can't help feeling this blow out of your feelings is a good thing. You couldn't go on like you were. Maybe this is make or break time. Do you really want to be with someone who treats you so badly with no remorse? Someone who makes you so miserable? Only you can answer these questions and if he's not prepared to change can you continue with this? Life has already started to change for you don't be held back by this man unless he is prepared to change himself. I so hope you can sort this out x

 

[minusfour]

Oh sweetheart, I hope you are ok today. That sounds just terrible, how awful for you!
I'm not surprised you did finally say something though, it seems to me like there is a lot that needed to be said. It's more than hurtful that he called you snide and bitter etc, very cowardly to treat you as he has and then not take any responsibility for it. Your fault, your fault!! I understand that you have feelings for him.
I'm so sorry that it's making you feel defeated and pushed down- I think these are good descriptions of what OH is trying to do. I really do think he is trying to suppress you. I suspect that by changing so much so quickly, you have broken the "rules" of your relationship, (as percieved by him), and that you will probably be facing difficult choices soon- change back, or lose OH.
Does OH want you slim, confident, and happy? No, probably not. I have no idea what is going on with him and sex, but I don't think he would be too happy if you started making any sexual demands of him. I don't think this is about you, it really is about him, he probably lacks the self esteem, or something, to allow him to have an equal relationship.
If he is any kind of worthwhile, and deserving to be in your life, he will be pleased about the changes you are making, and will find some way to encourage and support you.
If he is not, I promise you that you won't miss him too much in the long term.
Don't get sucked in by the same old games that he's used in the past. They are just games. You deserve so much more than that!

 

[White Tulip]

thankyou (again, what a bore I must be!) for your supportive comments.....after dropping him off yesterday morning to get his car (he'd gone off to a party after the 'blow out' on Sunday) I haven't really seen him since. He drove up north yesterday to watch the football last night and I heard him come in and I can only guess it would be around 4am thinking of the time it would take to drive back so he was asleep when I left for work.....

I felt quite hungry after getting in from work today and have had some golden vegetable flavouring. I have this most days to get me from lunch to dinner (which is usually around 9pm) but I haven't felt that hungry around 4pm since the first week.

Need to do add a meal next week as it's week 12. Will try to keep it plain and simple so it doesn't trigger many binge thoughts. I am going to stick to plain chicken and salad I think most days with perhaps a bit of spices over the chicken and see it as another Cambridge 'meal' in the same way I see the shakes etc. I have bought some digital kitchen scales to ensure I have the correct weight.

Going to look at the green and white list now so I can plan what to buy at the weekend for the week.

Week 12.......I honestly never thought I'd not get anywhere near week 12! In a weird way, CD has become my new 'habit' and I feel the same security blanket feelings when I have the shakes etc as when I had food pre-CD. Perhaps my habits are finally changing. Let's hope so!

 

[Awaken Me]

Week 12 already..doesn't it fly by. I was really apprehensive about my add a meal week and spent about 10 minutes staring at my plate before taking a bite, but by the end of the week I loved it. I felt totally in control, strangely I don't whenever I have had a bar, and I really enjoyed the food.

 

[minusfour]

Wow, week twelve, amazing! What happens after the meal week? It will seem really strange chewing something for a little bit! What is vegetable flavouring, and how do you consume it? When you add a meal, are you meant to stay in ketosis?

I don't reckon you are being boring at all. I reckon most of us have had a fairly similar situation in our lives. Anyhow, we like you, and like hearing about your days- chatter on!
I wonder how you are feeling about OH today? My ex husband had this really disconcerting habit- after a big blow up- of staying out of sight for a little while, and then acting like absolutely nothing had happened. He would look a bit puzzled if I tried to engage him in conversation. Used to do my head in!
Hope you are ok, I'm thinking of you!

 

[White Tulip]

I'll have add a meal for a week and then go back to SS.

I've planned it so most nights I will have what I will call a 'chunky' soup. I'll add chick peas and veg some nights and cooked chicken and veg another couple of nights. Might have a tuna or chicken green salad and a bar and then a chicken and pak choi stir fry and a bar. I am happy with those meals and feel in control as I'm kind of just 'extending' a CD product (ie with the soups)

Vegetable flavouring is a tsp with hot water. Tastes kind of like herby stock.

OH was 'normal' last night as in as if nothing had happened...see where things go really but we did agree on Sunday that if this kind of thing happened again we would split.

I am desparately trying to stay busy. Am home from work and have a real craving to eat. Made some vegetable flavouring in the hope that will work. Think it's TOTM related as that started today and I just have the real need for a chocolate shake!!! I guess if I did, that would be fine as it would kind of be a SS+ day but I'd rather try not to. I wish CD would bring out some kind of hot chocolate water flavouring to have!! I do have to confess to having 2 bites of ham at lunchtime. Went to see my dog and fed him some ham from my ex's fridge and I had 2 bites. It was ok, didn't set my world alight but I really couldn't resist!! I felt it was a little test to see how I felt about eating something. Part of me wasn't bothered, I kind of kept it 'compartmentalised' to those few seconds and was able to move on with the rest of the day and part of me knew that it wouldn't be too hard to sit and eat a load. The 'move on' part of my mind though was strong and I hope that it's an indication that the wiring in my brain is changing.

4 stone bead arrived for my bracelet

 

[great things]

you're doing really well. just keep up the motivation and let the rest slip over your head like water in the shower.

 

[White Tulip]

Didn't have an extra shake last night and I'm pleased because I feel the same today

I've been home an hour and a half from work and I've washed up, put the washing away, put washing in and have 3 items to iron. I feel bored.....not a good feeling to have.....OH doesn't get in until very late on a Thursday and I reckon I have around 5 hours to kill.

I've sat and looked through a load of stuff for sale on ebay (started looking at sizes 22/24 for evans and 22 for ann harvey ) but can't put my finger on what I want to do. I suppose in the past if I'd been bored I would have eaten. I feel physically tired but my mind is just buzzing all the time.

I have some apples to cook - given to me at work by someone with a tree....might turn them into a pie....

 

[minusfour]

Hope you are having a good day!

Are you a reader? I can almost always lose myself in a book, five hours is a long time to fill!

I'm having a four day weekend in Melbourne, visiting family mostly. Today we had lunch at the Krishna resturant- chanting and clashing knives and forks, eyes sore from inscense, and orange cordial to drink. The motel we are staying tonight is right in the middle of the night life precinct, and I am one floor above a very busy bar as I write. We are moving tomorrow, thank goodness!Sorry about typos-not used to lap top! What are your plans for the weekend?

 

[White Tulip]

I used to be a reader as a teenager- a real bookworm, (a real Enid Blyton fan when I was between 10 and 13!!) but I now find my concentration span is incredibly short, I find my mind starts jumping around different things, like a butterfly!

Chanting and clashing knives sounds interesting!!

The weekend........to be honest I'm dreading it.

Today I have felt even more overwhelmingly 'empty' without food. OH is out again tonight and I almost dread coming home to my house now. The thought of the evening stretching ahead just fills me with a not nice feeling Two people had takeaway pizza for lunch and the excitement of all towards buying, smelling (and for the 2 staff) eating the pizza really made me realise how huge the gaps are in my life and how little I really have to fill them. Pre-CD I would have filled the gaps of boredom at work with food. The daily everyday parade of chocolates, biscuits and cakes continues and I just ignore it. Again, the pre-CD me would have seen an evening alone as a lovely opportunity to eat a takeaway, drink a bottle of rose and sing along to the Friday disco music on the radio. The pleasureable feelings came from the excitement of choosing and then eating the food.

I considered the cinema - I haven't been for well over 10 years but nothing grabbed me. I considered bingo even!! Mad as it sounds I'm too scared to go to either as they are both so outside my comfort zone these days.

I went to the supermarket after work and bought a couple of cans of tuna, some spinach , quorn mince and tins of chick peas for next week so I have everything I need. I used to love going to the supermarket for all the lovely treats and now it has to be a very controlled visit on a very rare occasion. I have all the food for OH delivered at the beginning of the month so only have to visit for stuff like toiletries or vegetables being topped up.

It's only 6pm and I'm dreading the hours ahead. There's a whole day of it tomorrow and then again on Sunday........

When I was 10 or 11 (early 80s), I used to go to town on a Saturday with my Mum. She would go into the local branch of Tandy to pay the weekly instalment of the stereo and I would stand outside with the pushchair with my baby sister in. The window always had 2 things in I wanted ; a chemistry set and a Radio Shack Build Your Own Radio kit. I never asked for either - money was tight and I also kind of thought it was a bit of a boys thing to want to do.

Last year, I decided to look on ebay for the radio kit. I found one, intact, new , never used. It cost me about £10 and I vowed I would make the radio.

It's still sitting in the box it was posted in next to the desk. I have never even opened the box, let alone looked at the box inside. I don't know why I keep putting it off, I used to think it would be so much fun to do.

Tonight I am going to try to motivate myself to open the box and look inside and look at start building the radio. I have to do something else other than sit at the desk on the computer. I have to.

 

[Awaken Me]

Sorry to hear that you are having a low moment (((hugs))).

Strange isn’t it how much our life revolves around food and how empty our lives can feel without it. I am trying to find things to fill my time. I’m the secretary of our local football club so that has taken up much of my time for the last month – signing on forms, attending meetings etc and tonight I went to watch my nephew play football. I'm also doing some further research on my family tree which I started doing after my Dad died last year.

I’m supposed to be at a stag do tomorrow night of all things. I work with blokes and one of them is getting married but I am still undecided about going. Normally I would jump at the chance as I love going out with the boys but I won't be drinking and I know I shouldn’t need a drink to have a good time but I just don't feel that I will enjoy myself that much sipping water. I'd actually love to join in and get plastered..lol. Plus, I don’t really have anything to wear and I don’t fancy splashing out on nice clothes only for them not to fit me next month.

The radio sounds like a great idea and like you say it is something to get you away from the computer (something I must try to do myself).

Hope you feel brighter tomorrow xx