Westiegirl: Restarted Day 1 Under my Belt!

[westiegirl]

Sunday 4th March 2007

Mum and I had a lovely lie-in this morning, although I did make her watch match of the day in bed! Got a text from Mr Pirate (as I said before) and also texts from J. He had been 4x4ing up a hill and hadn't got my texts from Saturday so wasn't ignoring me. My mum just rolled her eyes at all these texts coming in. She thinks I'm more popular than I actually am *lol*.

Got up and had another lovely breakfast before heading into Edinburgh. We had a look around the shops. It felt quite weird because it was like being at home, but not really if you know what I mean. I do miss the place and I hope I can go back soon and meet up with more of my own friends.

My aunty (my dad's sister) and uncle and 2 cousins came to meet us for a coffee in the afternoon. Met in Debenhams and sat for a couple of hours just chatting. It was nice to catch up. The boys are growing up so quickly!

Was meant to be meeting ex-flatmate for tea afterwards but she begged off because she is poorly. We were secretly pleased because we were knackered!!!! Caught the bus back out of Edinburgh and walked from Musselburgh to the hotel. Didn't get lost but it was much further than I anticipated and we walked for about 35 minutes in the damp cold scottish weather! Nice!

Back in the hotel we just chilled and I had a 15 minute power nap before going for some tea. Back to our hotel room for a quiet evening sharing a bottle of wine. Shame there was no bar because it would have been nice to just chill there for a bit. The staff at the hotel were really lovely and nothing was too much trouble (even the local taxi was run by the receptionists husband and he became our personal driver) but it was a little too far out of the way and didn't have facilities. It served it's purpose of being close to the wedding and reception though.

An early night and I made her watch match of the day again. Great TV to wake up to and to go to sleep on. Serves her right for snoring!!!

 

[westiegirl]

Monday 5th March 2007

Body clock is set to Monday morning and I was awake at 6.30am. Got up and showered and half packed my case before heading for breakfast. Was just gonna have toast but the cooked breakfast smelt so good I caved *lol*.

Our chauffer (sp?) (ok the local taxi firm) took us to the station at 9.30am as our train was at 10.10am. We had another long journey, same as the way up but in reverse. Train from Edinburgh to Preston, Bus from Preston to Carlisle, Train from Carlisle to Warrington and finally Train from Warrington to Llandudno. Back home at 4.45pm, phew!

I was travelling back along the North Wales coast when I realised that Mr Pirate would probably get on my train as he catches the train home from work. I was half asleep with my head down when I spotted him on the platform. Kept my eyes closed and head hidden. Didn't want him to see me. I was feeling a right mess - hair all over the place and my 2 huge spots. Just wanted to curl up and die!
Goddamn it, just typical. I would have liked to have gone and chatted with him but felt so ugly I didn't want to ruin his illusion of me! We've only met at night, in the dark, after hours of beautification *lol*. Didn't want to scare him off with the reality before our date tomorrow night!

Besides I was with my Mum and I didn't want to inflict her on him yet! She'd have chewed his ear off and the poor lad wouldn't have stood a chance! He was sitting further down the same carriage and had to walk past us to get off. Was quite worried that I would actually have to talk to him and introduce him to the folks. We got off first and I kept my back to him. The train station in Llandudno is great because you can drive right to the platform. My dad was parked right at the door of our carriage so I hopped off and kept my head down as I chucked my case in the boot of the car. If he saw me he didn't say and I think I got away with it *lol*. Felt really bad though because I hate being deceitful and was deceitful to both Mr Pirate and my Mum.

Definately feeling pre-mental at the moment. Can feel the rage! I was so anti-social on the journey home and had my mp3 player on most of the way. I was feeling quite angry and impatient and was at serious risk of taking it out on my mum (just because she was closest) so I needed to remove myself from the situation. I did explain to her that was why and apologised. She said it's ok and if I was snappy she would just ignore me anyway! Guess that's what mum's are like! She's the best but she can just chat so much it was driving me to distraction. Glad to be home because I have been in the company of other people 24/7 for 4 days straight and I am desperately in need of my own space!

Glad to get home and just chill on my own for a bit! Unpacked (sort of) and chucked some paperwork about the place before getting down to the serious business of writing my resignation letter. Woke up in the night thinking about having to tell work about leaving and I am worried a bit. I don't have a contract or anything (on a 3 month trial) so there is no problem there but just feel bad about letting them down. Feel quite tired now but don't know if I'll sleep properly tonight.

Oh well, best at least try and sleep. Gotta face the music tomorrow - resigning isn't the only thing I've got to face - got to do my weekly weigh in. Goodness only knows what the heck that will be! Didn't eat like it was going out of fashion today but still a little over the score (understatement and a half *lol*).

 

[westiegirl]

Tuesday 6th March 2007

OK, new week begins (sort of). Back to work which I was not looking forward to at all. Slept much better than I anticipated but was still a little worried when I got in. My boss Penny was already in and I asked if I could have a word. I gave her my resignation letter and she said that she was really sorry to hear that I was leaving. I explained my reasons and she was ok. Told my other work mates and they couldn't believe it. Been ribbing me all day about rats deserting a sinking ship! I did feel a little bad later when Penny called me into her office and asked if my notice period (1 week) was negotiable. She said they usually ask for 1 month and even a couple of weeks would help them out. I told her that my contract starts 11th March (true) and that I had to start that week - although I don't actually have my first shift until 17th March but I want a couple of days off. Besides I am on a 3 month trial and I don't have a contract. Penny said, oh well, there's nothing I can do then is there. No I said. Felt bad for about 5 minutes then decided I have to move on and not let things like this affect me. Besides had lots of things to get done before my date!

Finished at 5pm and headed to Tesco. I have decided that I am going to count points. Felt really fat and bloated all day and my recently loose size 16 trousers were snug (but not too tight). Didn't count today as I didn't have much in by the way of healthy food, but I did try and not binge (sucessfully) but some of the food choices could have been better!

Stocked up on some healthy stuff, but also had a few naughty bits and pieces in there (sensible versions). Wasn't actually hungry when I shopped so my choices were good. There is a ww class on Thursday mornings in a local hotel which I will go to next week. I didn't think it was worth going to the evening class tonight for just 1 week. Will go ahead on my own this week and then join.

My stats are a little depressing but I am going to put them down anyway because this is the start of the new plan.

Weight: 12.10
BF: 38.1
Bust: 42.5"
Waist: 38"
Hips: 43.5"

Was really expecting to be in the 13s after the weekend but luckily not. I would have been inconsolable if I had because that is a sort of mental cut off point for me between just needing to lose a bit and having failed and put it all back on.

Feeling a bit out of sorts about going back to WW. When I came home I was running late so my tea was really bad - half a quiche and 2 slices of bread. I long for that fantastic "empty" feeling SSing gives you but I know I have new lessons to learn to obtain the same feeling but with food in my life. My jeans were a bit tight and I had a muffin top (not a surprise from the increase in my stats ). But I decided - hey ho, what the hey - I'm just going to get on with it!

So I am going to set myself some new goals and I am finding this bit the hardest. I so want to lose weight quickly because I know you can with SS but my life has moved on lots since then and I need to set goals to fit my new life. My goal is to not be obsessed by the numbers. I want to truly embrace the approach outlined by my counsellor, ie set myself 3 or 4 months in which to lose 7lbs but in that time learn to eat properly again and normalise my eating patterns and "cure" my comfort eating (ok, yes I am being sarcastic because I don't believe I will ever be "cured" but I have to believe I can be free of it and live "normally" in the world of food). I have been swaying between panic at the thought of not losing weight and also the sense of liberation of not being tied to SSing and resolving some issues and eating normally. My eating has been so disorganised for so long I've forgotten how to eat. Even before LL I couldn't feed myself sensibly and lurched between strict dieting and binging without a "proper" meal in sight. Tea most nights consisted of 10 slices of bread with butter and tomato ketchup. What was meant to be a snack after work turned into a binge and I was too sick to eat later so I didn't even get a nutritious meal to balance things out.

I really need to learn about breaking my bad habits which I what I think is what they are. A big "bell-ringer" with me in LL was instant gratification. I am totally ruled by instant gratifcation. If I want it, I WANT IT NOW *lol*. My brother despairs of me because I go to the shops and buy something he will buy for half the price on e-bay or something. I can't be bothered to wait for it to be delivered! Buy it, take it home, unwrap it, play with it, abandon it a few weeks later! *LOL* Might be a good idea to dig out my LL book and review that chapter! Perhaps a little reminder stuck on my fridge for when I come home and reach for something crap to eat!

Anyway date with Mr Pirate, who I can't be @rsed to call Mr Pirate anymore - Matt, was set for 7.30pm. Rushed back from the shops and quickly got ready. So tired I just chucked some make up on and a pair of jeans and a jumper. Didn't want to go 100% so I thought, I'll only make a bit of an effort. Met outside the pub and went inside to watch the footie. I was totally outnumbered by men - no other women until after the match had started. Footie was a rollercoaster ride but the result was good in the end. Matt was a bit more lively and I was the one flagging. After the match we went to another pub for a drink, which was a good thing because the original pub we were in had run out of JD. Travesty! Sat in a booth and had a drink and chilled. Not sure yet whether I like him that much or not. Conversation is a little stiffled and he doesn't seem that interested in what I have to say. I was thinking back about a post on Nikki's thread about her date not complimenting her much and we were talking about how she deserves to be complimented for the wonderful person she is. The same should apply to me too. Not sure whether it is because Matt is shy - he was a bit more complimentary and chatty tonight (said I smelt nice) but didn't ask me anything about myself and didn't volunteer anything about himself either. When the night was drawing to a close he said we should go somewhere a bit more private (like the back of my car - but I conveniently left the keys at home!) and I said we don't actually have anywhere private to go.
I said that I wanted to head towards home and at the first opportunity he had me in a darkened doorway. It was nice (don't get me wrong, I'm not a nun *lol*) but I kept wondering if he wanted me for anything more! After a while we walked back up to my house and as we got close to my gate he said "well this is your house, ta-ra" and pecked me on the cheek. I was flabbergasted - I said "Is that as good a goodnights kiss I get then?". He said oh yeah, gave me a kiss and said he's see me next week and ta-ra again! Umm, do you think I'm being used???? Sure feels like it. I think that I might just be busy every night next week! See what happens then. He ain't gonna have his cake and eat it too ! Gosh I know how to pick em! Why can't I find a real man instead of boys. Not one of the guys I've been out with has their own house, they all blummin live with their mothers. Ok, I know I do to but that's different - it's only temporary until a a dividing wall and a new separate exit can be built (probably next year *lol*). Man I really do need some private space or a mature man (or both!). So now I'm feeling a little peeved and also tired. Struggling to compose this post because I'm tired but I needed to get this down.

I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning!

 

[westiegirl]

Wednesday 7th March - Object of Desire

Be careful what you wish for!

Feeling a little out of sorts and pre-mental at the moment, a bit crabby and a killer headache to boot!

Was woken by a phone call from J first thing this morning and he made it very clear how he would like to wake me up *lol* and not just in the way friends would say good morning!

I can't tell you how long I have wished I was desirable but tbh now that it seems that I am, I am really peeved!
This is quite a big deal for me as you might well have guessed from my posts that I place far too much emphasis on physical attractiveness and my self esteem has been ruled by the way I look, my weight and how I believe I am perceived. I believe if I am ugly and I am therefore unlovable (I also believe that this makes me very shallow *lol*).

To receive all this attention of late has been an eye opener for me and I've been loving it. I've had more dates in the last few months than I've ever had and whilst I've enjoyed them I'm still not making that connection. What has thrown me over the last few days is that I have realised that men do want me "in that way" and my brain is going NOOOOOOOO! But I am now thinking that they ONLY want me in that way and I am wondering if all men are the same and only think with that part of their anatomy. Is it wrong for me to want and expect the whole package? I want someone who will make me laugh, I can have a serious conversation with, someone to watch footie with, and someone just to chill and spend time with too?

Can I really have it all or am I just jaded in my thinking by my experiences? I feel like I should be a blumming teenager again because I am learning lots of lessons now about the opposite sex. I was in a relationship from such a young age, for such a long time, that I missed out on lots of learning experiences that I should have had back then. What is they say about an old dog?????

 

[Isobel1965]

Darling - yes, you can have it all - when you meet the right one for you. It sounds to me like the fellas you've been dating just don't do it for you very much and that's why you're analysing everything (as we all do). Not all men are the same - you will find someone who ticks all of your boxes. I know you will!

Glad the weekend went ok and it sounds like you've got a sorted plan for counting points. Best of luck with that sweetie!

Have you thought anymore about coming to Dublin btw??


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[westiegirl]

Thanks Isobel, I just feel a bit tired and low at the moment. TOTM definately has me in it's grip! TBH point counting went out the window earlier today and I'm not sure when I'll get to grips with it. I feel so bloated and fat at the moment. Hoping it's water retention. My stomach is huge and my trousers have been quite tight today, and what feels worse is that they feel uncomfortable around my thighs today. Driving the car I just couldn't get comfy at all. My legs are usually quite skinny but I just feel like ten-ton tessie today.

Came home via Tescos and got some chocolate, a sandwich and a pasta salad which I have scoffed already. Feel stuffed, fat and disgusted with myself. I am desperate to SS just so I can feel "empty". It makes me feel good but I know that if I can't eat healthily then there is no way on earth I will be able to SS at the moment. Darn hormones are playing with me again (or is it all just in my head *lol*).

I have definately decided to come to Dublin. I am going to book it over the weekend before I start M&S and tell them that I've already booked it.

 

[westiegirl]

Thursday 8th March 2007

Really Gotta Quit the Pity Party!

I'm boring myself now! I'm not usually a "poor me" type of person and this really is getting old. Have been feeling crap for about a week or so without any discernible reason other than the old chesnut of TOTM (due very soon coz the headaches are bad!).

Woke up today and felt a little out of the loop and really really down. Driving was a chore and I was a really bad driver (cutting up some guy in a van). Didn't do it intentionally just didn't feel like I was "all there". I wonder whether it is anything to do with upping the dose on my happy pills? I have been on double the dose for a week now and maybe my body is just needing to adjust itself.

Dieting is just out the window too and as I said yesterday I am feeling really uncorfortable in my skin. Since last week I have only put on about 6lbs but it feels like 6 stone! I felt really restricted in my movement today, especially getting into the car. The trouble is I need to stop eating but I keep stuffing my face! I want to get back to the comfort of SSing but I know I can't do it at the moment.

Anyway, hark at me, I was meant to be stopping the pity party and here I am moaning again! Just ignore me, I'll get over it *lol*.

 

[Isobel1965]

Oh bless you, hun!

I know that when I'm eating (badly), I do get a bit low and I wonder if it's because I'm not getting my vits and mins??

The double dose of happies will take some getting used to too, honey - give yourself time!

I hate to hear you feeling so sh1-ite but it's BRILL news that you're coming to Dublin!!!! I'm sooo pleased!!!!!

Yahoooooo!!!!


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[Gen]

Hey Sarah... well i have been so busy in work this week i didn't get a chance to catch up with your diary so i printed it off and read it while stuck in traffic yesterday!!!!

anyway girl.. you have been on such a roller coaster of a ride over the past few weeks and i could totally understand everything you were saying and you write so well and honestly it is amazing!

You are doing all the right things hun to get to where you want to be.... with your counselling, new job and not losing sight of your goal weight, even tho it might be a bit hard to visualise yourself there at the moment... you still haven't given up and that says a lot.

my advise to you would be stick with the counselling... try to stop beating urself up about eating for the moment and try to get to the root of why you binge and comfort eat... which will come out with a few sessions of counselling...

from personal experience... trying since august to get back on this... beating myself up at every opportunity... started getting counselling about 5 weeks ago and now am back on day 5 and doing fine and totally looking forward to the future rather than dreading everything ... it really really does work so please if you can stick with it

lots of love and hugs to you hun

love

Gen xxx

ps...... delighted you are coming to dublin hun... can't wait to meet you xxx

 

[flirty40greeneyes]

Brilliant news about you coming to Dublin Sarah - looking forward to meeting you.

As far as your tablets - give them some time to work .... and if you don't feel any better, go back to the Doctors.

The eating??? - mmmmm I can't give you any advice as I'm doing the same - just wish i wasn't!

 

[IreneH]

So pleased you have decided to come to Dublin. And don't worry about how you are feeling. One day at a time remember.
Irene xx

 

[westiegirl]

Oh bless you, hun!

I know that when I'm eating (badly), I do get a bit low and I wonder if it's because I'm not getting my vits and mins??

The double dose of happies will take some getting used to too, honey - give yourself time!

I hate to hear you feeling so sh1-ite but it's BRILL news that you're coming to Dublin!!!! I'm sooo pleased!!!!!

Yahoooooo!!!!


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Thanks Isobel, I think all the good stuff in the packs does make a big difference and I have definitely been eating rubbish! I am taking a multi vit every morning but that's not an excuse not to eat properly!

Hey Sarah... well i have been so busy in work this week i didn't get a chance to catch up with your diary so i printed it off and read it while stuck in traffic yesterday!!!!

anyway girl.. you have been on such a roller coaster of a ride over the past few weeks and i could totally understand everything you were saying and you write so well and honestly it is amazing!

You are doing all the right things hun to get to where you want to be.... with your counselling, new job and not losing sight of your goal weight, even tho it might be a bit hard to visualise yourself there at the moment... you still haven't given up and that says a lot.

my advise to you would be stick with the counselling... try to stop beating urself up about eating for the moment and try to get to the root of why you binge and comfort eat... which will come out with a few sessions of counselling...

from personal experience... trying since august to get back on this... beating myself up at every opportunity... started getting counselling about 5 weeks ago and now am back on day 5 and doing fine and totally looking forward to the future rather than dreading everything ... it really really does work so please if you can stick with it

lots of love and hugs to you hun

love

Gen xxx

ps...... delighted you are coming to dublin hun... can't wait to meet you xxx

Gen, lol - reading my diary in traffic - glutton for punishment or what! Thanks for your support. I am so pleased that you have get your head back into the zone. So do you think that the counselling has had a positive impact? My counselling is on the Nhs and is therefore limited to 6 sessions of 1 hour. My counsellor is aware of the limitations and has urged me to use the resources she has offered me (hand outs and the website she gave me) between sessions in order that we can maximise the time with have to analyse some of the most important issues. She's very good isn't she! I wonder if she does private consultations as well once my 6 sessions are up?

Brilliant news about you coming to Dublin Sarah - looking forward to meeting you.

As far as your tablets - give them some time to work .... and if you don't feel any better, go back to the Doctors.

The eating??? - mmmmm I can't give you any advice as I'm doing the same - just wish i wasn't!

Beverley, thanks hun! I'm looking forward to meeting you too. It's going to be a blast!

I know I have to give my body chance to adapt to the changed dose of my tablets. Doctor wants to see me in a couple of weeks for an update anyway so I'll see how I go!

So pleased you have decided to come to Dublin. And don't worry about how you are feeling. One day at a time remember.
Irene xx

Irene, wise words. I do tend to try and wish my life away and forget that each day needs to be dealt with individually. I'm glad I've decided to come to Dublin - might be able to get a proper chat at one of the upcoming meetings. Your last 2 visits in Newcastle have been so fleeting we barely had time to say hello!

 

[westiegirl]

Friday 9th March 2007

OMG what a day, where do I start?? I have so much stuff buzzing in my brain I've gotta write it down or I'll explode!

OK let's start with last night. I spent a lot of time catching up with threads and a post by FFnF in her thread really struck a chord with me. It was regarding her level of confidence regarding the opposite sex and how it seems to have decreased slightly since she has lost her fantastical 7 stone so far (yep I do think she's fab!!). It got me thinking a lot about my recent experiences and something really clicked in my brain. I have been self analysing re not being able to SS recently and concluded many things but one thing that I ignored was the possibility of self sabotage in order to avoid intimacy. When I was at my heaviest I didn't receive male attention and I didn't mind too much because I was in a steady relationship anyway. Since the break up of that relationship I have made so many changes in my life and most have been great. Some though have been downright scary - including meeting men! OK, sorry if this is tmi or offends anyone but I am talking about having s*x!!! I don't mind meeting them so much but the thought of getting undressed infront of one scares the hell out of me! With my flabby bits etc etc there is no way I am letting anyone see me! I have been putting up emotional barriers with those men I have met and have used lame excuses to not become intimate with them. It's easy to put them off when you are hundreds of miles apart from them but up close it's not so easy! When I met Matt I was on an off day of SSing due to TOTM, same as every month, but since meeting him I just can't restart and I can't stop eating and I can't stop binging! I am expanding at a great speed of knots! I think that all this food business is because of a internal conflict I am having with myself at the moment. I like Matt a lot and both him and J have recently made it very clear how sexually attractive they find me and I am amazed by that! I am also not the most experienced of people - you find that when you've spent most your adult life with one person. My conflict lies in that I want to be sexually attractive and in fact I want to have sex but I am embarassed by my body, by the thought of not being able to perform properly and also I am also afraid by the fact that it hurts (this is one of the symptoms I mentioned in my post about hormone imbalance). Perhaps it is all psychological and every time I write a post like this I feel like I am being a total freak and that everyone will laugh at me. One thing I have learnt in my time on Minimins is that no one laughs at you at all - just with you when you need it! I feel sometimes like I am alone but having read so many posts where people are feeling very similar things to me I have only come to the conclusion that it's better to get it down here and not stuck in my head giving me a headache. Anyway I digress! I am therefore wondering if I am using weight gain as a reason not to allow myself to be with a man. My core beliefs are that men do not find fat women attractive therefore in order to not have to deal with these new experiences I will become fat again, hide in a corner and never go out and live like a nun with my dogs and cats and die a lonely old spinster sitting in my own wee and no one will find me for weeks. Breathe for goodness sakes *lol*. Besides chance to be alone would be a fine thing! No chance in my open plan flat! My ruminations took on a whole new meaning last night when I had 2 men trying to seduce me last night - one on MSN and the other on text. Jeez, do they not realise I have a brain too!?! Matt even asked me if I wanted to come out and meet him at the beach. *LOL* I'm 35 for goodness sakes not a teenager going out at midnight to make out on the beach. Told him no to that one!

Anyway this stuff is something I have been wondering about all day - I was too tired to write it last night. But the funny thing is that today I have eaten but not had the desire to binge at all. Perhaps it's a case of getting the thought into the conscious mind instead of the subconscious has relieved some of the worry!

 

[westiegirl]

Right then, today part 2! Woke up this morning really tired but funnily enough more energised than I've been for a while. Did my usual scale hop and was devestated to see I've pushed myself into the 13s again only just - 13.0.4 but it's still not good and I'm disappointed with myself! But instead of being mad at myself I have spent the day thinking a lot about what is happening (as per my previous post) and have decided that I don't think I know how to diet at all at the moment. It is one extreme or the other and WW just hasn't come together for me at all! I love SSing when I'm doing well on it and hate it the rest of the time. But I hate being fat even more! I am so going in the wrong direction at the moment and I don't like it and I refuse, POINT BLANK REFUSE in fact to let myself return to where I was. I have the hen night tomorrow and I am considering a monday restart. On the basis I have about 3 stone to lose I am thinking of doing 100 days. I have done it before and I can do it again. But this time I need to make it work for me and fit it round my life and not vice versa. I didn't stray once doing LL and SSing ruled my life last year but tbh I didn't actually have a life! I was focussed 100% and I doubt I can ever do that again - because I don't want to! I want my cake and eat it too so I need to find a plan to help me cope. Any input from those of you who have done both sucessfully would be gratefully appreciated!

Got a surprise text from Rob today - he's the boring photographer date from the night my brother got locked up in a cell. He was wondering how I was and whether I fancied meeting up for a coffee and catch up. Decided that I would and see how it goes this time. If he still bores the pants off me then that's it but everyone deserves a second chance!

Finally in work today the Director and Operations manager came back today from an exhibition we were showing at in the NEC and both collared me about me handing in my notice. Had been expecting it and they were pretty much both saying what can we do to make you stay. I told them my reasons (travelling, big company name, staff discount etc) and they both declared I'm too good for stacking shelves and that I have so much potential that I could make good progress. Sadie, the operations manager, told me that 6 years ago she was an accounts clerk and now she is 2nd in command. She feels I can go a long way. In confidence she has told me that she is not happy with the way that the company admin is being run and that I could do it better ! Steve, the director, then called me into his office and asked me what he could do to make me stay. He basically admitted that he is not happy with the way that our part of the business is being run (a shambles he said) and what did I think my role should be. I said that I really enjoyed the service side and that I felt I could I do that well. Basically there are 2 of us doing the same job and we have a "timetable" of work for each day ie 8.30-10 I do Service Admin and 10-11 General Admin etc etc. Rachel does the same but at different times. The principle is good in that everyone knows everything in the office and can cover each other and that no jobs are neglected but the downside is that I arrive in the morning and haven't got a clue what Rachel did the afternoon before and spend a lot of time trying to get up to speed. It also means you can't get your teeth into anything either. Since starting I have felt like I'm drifting and I've not been as proactive as I'd like. So Steve says to me, if you want to be service co-ordinator, then that's your job! I was gobsmacked! He asked if I'd stay and I said I think about it over the weekend and let him know on Monday. Sadie also wants another chat on Monday too! I'm a bit confused about it and will definitely have to give it some thought. The thing is that it's a great atmosphere and I love the people I work with. Had such a laugh yesterday afternoon. Came home tonight and spoke to my mum and dad and my dad has suggested a pros and cons list which I will come back to later. I am seriously tempted and the one thing I think swung M&S for me is the hours. My current work is 40 hours a week and I hate that, M&S are offering 29 hours over 4 days. I can financially handle less hours and I really don't want to do 40 hours so maybe if I can negotiate that then it might be a goer!

Mmmm, so much to think about this weekend. I didn't expect this at all! Still got to think about what to wear for the hen night and pack. So I'm being an adult and hiding from it all in a glass of JD! Oh well it is the weekend afterall (and the minus for M&S is that I only get 1 weekend off a month!).

 

[Isobel1965]

Hi babes - oooh where to start? lol

Right - firstly - I can quite understand the subconcious desire to wear the fat suit to avoid unwanted and scary attention from men. I've done it myself! With my ex-husband! Bizarre really, but there you go!

Also - I do get where you're coming from re the fear of another man seeing you nekkid BUT and this is a big but - when you meet someone who you fancy the pants off, and who you know really, really likes you for you, then you won't even think about it.

I wonder if sex has been painful for you before because you've never fully been able to relax with the blurke and trust him implicitly? It won't be painful when you're truly up for it, girlfriend and there's every reason in the world to wait until that time. There's no law that states you HAVE to have sex with anyone, no matter how long you've been seeing them - it only should happen when you are gagging for it!

The job situation - well, how flattering is that!?!?!?!?! I would be seriously tempted to stay put if they are so unwilling to let you go, you're being offered a promotion!!! Fantastic news, darling and proof (if any were needed) that you are brilliant!!!!

I'm so glad you feel able to restart your diet - for your sake, babes - cos I know that you're not happy right now. Have you thought about doing the 790 plan instead of SSing? At least then you can have a meal every night which wouldn't hinder your social life quite so much.

Thinking of you, hun and sending you megs ((HUGS)) and positive vibes!

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[Isobel1965]

OOh and I hope you have a brillopads time at the hen night!!!

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[westiegirl]

Hi babes - oooh where to start? lol

Right - firstly - I can quite understand the subconcious desire to wear the fat suit to avoid unwanted and scary attention from men. I've done it myself! With my ex-husband! Bizarre really, but there you go!

I can relate to that babe!

Also - I do get where you're coming from re the fear of another man seeing you nekkid BUT and this is a big but - when you meet someone who you fancy the pants off, and who you know really, really likes you for you, then you won't even think about it.

Glad that is the case - I guess I just haven't found him yet!

I wonder if sex has been painful for you before because you've never fully been able to relax with the blurke and trust him implicitly? It won't be painful when you're truly up for it, girlfriend and there's every reason in the world to wait until that time. There's no law that states you HAVE to have sex with anyone, no matter how long you've been seeing them - it only should happen when you are gagging for it!

The pain started with my ex about 6 years ago. We had been together about 6 years at the time so there was no need to be nervous etc. Happened at the same time as my anxiety attacks and depression so that's why I wonder if it is hormonal - other symptoms on the list. When you have been with someone so long it is easy to be completely honest about EVERYTHING but I don't feel it is something I could explain easily now without embarrassment !

The job situation - well, how flattering is that!?!?!?!?! I would be seriously tempted to stay put if they are so unwilling to let you go, you're being offered a promotion!!! Fantastic news, darling and proof (if any were needed) that you are brilliant!!!!

Am very tempted to stay, had a nice chat with my brother about it which I will post about seperately.

I'm so glad you feel able to restart your diet - for your sake, babes - cos I know that you're not happy right now. Have you thought about doing the 790 plan instead of SSing? At least then you can have a meal every night which wouldn't hinder your social life quite so much.

Did talk about 790 with my CD counsellor but that went out the window when I fell off the wagon. The appeal of 790 is the milk in tea and diet drinks which I feel can improve the social aspect of my life! Not sure which plan yet but I'll think about it on Sunday when I get home from Liverpool.

Thinking of you, hun and sending you megs ((HUGS)) and positive vibes!

Wish you were my counsellor Isobel. You are so motivational! Mine is lovely but so dippy (she's in her 80s) I think a weekly "independant" weigh in would be beneficial!

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OOh and I hope you have a brillopads time at the hen night!!!

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I'm absolutely certain I will, was quite nervous but I'm now looking forward to it!

 

[westiegirl]

Well I apologise if this post is a bit squiffy because I am! Me and Mr Jack Daniels have been well acquainted tonight!!!

Went to my Mum and Dad's flat earlier and had a nice chilled chat with them. My brother didn't finish work 10pm so when he came home he came round and we shared my bottle of JD (not a full one you understand lol). Told him all about my job offer and he was great at offering advise. Half way through the night he said something quite relevant that I hadn't thought about. He observed that I had been talking about my current job (and the possibility of the new role) in such a positive manner that he thinks I might be best to stay. He would never try and influence me but he is quite intuitive! I think the hours are a sticking point and he suggests trying for a half day on Friday or something as a way to reduce my hours. I can only try can't I! We are also looking for new engineers at work and my bro asked me to look into it for him - that might be a turn up for the books - both working for the same company!

Came back to my flat and found a number of text messages. Ones from Matt are quite saucy and he is trying to lead me down that path but I ain't biting! Have made it quite clear that I want more than just a physical relationship and we will see what his responses lead to! Fed up with it and told him I want him to want me for my mind too. We'll see!

 

[westiegirl]

Just wanted to say have a good weekend everyone, I'm off to Liverpool for my boss's hen night. Looking forward to it but also a bit apprehensive because I only know 2 of the people.

Best get sorted because I still haven't packed yet!

See you all tomorrow!

 

[Isobel1965]

Hun - to rebuff unwanted saucy texts, you could say something like - If you want someone to treat like a whore without any emotional commitment, I suggest you find someone else!

That'll stop them!

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Have a fab time, darling xxxxxxxxx