Westiegirl: Restarted Day 1 Under my Belt!

Day 1 CD 790

So a new week dawns and a new plan. But I can't say that I'm finding it easy yet!

But let's start the day at the beginning. I had my doctor's appointment this morning and my lovely doctor was as fantastic as usual. She listened to my woes in a very calm but interested way and is taking me very seriously.

So the plan of action is a blood test on Thursday morning to check my hormone levels. It works out quite well because the appointment is just before my counselling session so no need to take extra time off work. She is also sending me for a scan to check for PCOS and she has doubled the dosage on my happy pills as Prozac is frequently used for PMS and Bulimia at a slightly higher dose. Finally she has prescribed an antibiotic cream for my acne which has just got worse on my chin - a classic area for hormonal breakouts. I'm so happy that she isn't thinking I'm a hypochrondriac looper! I have to make an appointment for 4 weeks time to see how I'm getting on.

So CD790 day 1. So far, doing OK. Have been REALLY hungry but I'm not caving. The day was started with a shake and I had a tetra for lunch. Was awful when Ian had a heated pie and a sausage roll for lunch. Man, they smelt wonderful. Felt sick and had the shakes this afternoon but just took some ibuprofen and carried on working.

Came home and made myself my tea. Had a piece of turkey poached in a little stock, seasoned with tarragon - my absolute favourite herb. Had it with a few little gem and spinach leaves and a few chunks of cucumber. Put on a little fat free dressing and it was lovely! Have just had a lovely cuppa with milk from my allowance. Have drunk black coffee all day because the amount I drink would mean that my milk allowance would be gone in the morning. Saving it all for the evening when I can have a comforting cuppa! Had my bar dunked in it. Yum. So that's my packs gone, but I might allow myself one more if it means I don't eat.

Finally it's weekly weigh in today. Slightly disappointing but this is after eating all weekend and half the week!

Weight: 12.6.2 (+5lbs)
BF: 38.3 (+3%)
Bust: 42" (+0.25")
Waist: 36" (+0.5")
Hips: 42" (+0.5")

But compared to 4 weeks ago it is still overall loss of 3lbs and 4". So I guess is not great but is still a minus. By the end of the week I should have dropped again!
 
Hey Sarah, I'm so glad you have a nice doc who takes you seriously...that can make all the difference when you have stuff going on

Sounds like 790 is being kind to you, hope it continues that way! !Get yourself off to bed if you feel yourself caving in hun, best place to be when we are feeling not so strong!
 
Sending you luck as well.

It sounds like you and your Doctor worked together to help you heal- you'd already taken responsibility and initiative by having identified some things that seemed to be wrong- seems like you've got really good insights into how/who you are and what's working for you. Bet that makes all the difference. I hope 790 helps you beat the hormones and the cravings.

And hurrah re Mr Pirate! Sounds like there's a real attraction there-fingers crossed you'll have a lovely time. It might also be useful for helping you feel the difference in feelings for him and someone like J (who, to be honest, it sounds like you don't really fancy).

All the best
 
Day 2 CD790 - Date With Mr Pirate Tonight. Very Excited!

Thanks Kazz, Karen & Kate (all the Ks lol!). I am keeping my fingers crossed for 790 too (does a packet of crisps and few advent calendar chocolates last night count though - bad girl!).

Oh well, no beating myself up, promised myself.

Today is day 2 and I'm feeling much much more positive! Had a shake for breakfast and have just had a nice bowl of broccoli and cheese soup for lunch. I have been so hungry yesterday and today that I decided a bowl at lunchtime might help the afternoon hunger. Fingers crossed.

Well tonight is my date. Hadn't heard from Mr Pirate so I was getting anxious (I actually quite like this one!) so I decided to text him to see if he was still ok for a drink tonight. He has just replied, apologising for the delay because he was in a lesson - he's a teacher). He said yes he was still up for a drink and in fact he was really looking forward to it. Hurrah!

We are not meeting until 9pm though as he is playing football tonight. That's very good, not only does he play football but he supports Liverpool aswell :D . I suppose meeting later gives me plenty of time to get a shower and decide what to wear. Oh god, what am I gonna wear????? Gosh I hope this one works out a bit better than the last couple of dates I've been on!
 
Ah Sarah - i hope you have a lovely time!!! Isn't it lovely to on a date when you know exactly what they are going to be like?!?!?! haha. It's a lot less nerve racking!!!

Enjoy!
 
Grrrr, Just Can't Do It!!!

Off the rails, again! Bad afternoon and I have eaten. I was so hungry this afternoon that I actually felt sick and I had the shakes and couldn't actually concentrate on my work - which was bad because it's end of month and I have to complete the invoicing so we can meet the sales targets. Some high pressure and frayed tempers going on. The director called me into his office for a chat this afternoon as he wanted my take on how things were going. I started quite diplomatically but he drew out of me some of my thoughts on changing things. Felt slightly uncomfortable that I hadn't been able to chat with my manager Penny first. But I was positive. What I didn't actually mention (and I forgot to mention on here as well) is that I have an interview tomorrow after work. It's as a purchase ledger clerk for a conservatory company. I applied for it mid January but just got a call yesterday. I told him I was working but I would like to meet him. I am going to their office at 5.30pm tomorrow. It won't do any harm will it!

The only food in the office this afternoon was an apple so by the time I finished work I was so desperate I grabbed a sandwich from the shop. I came home and had my tea, but it wasn't quite CD790 - quiche and spinach leaves with 2 slices of bread oops! Also had a galaxy egg which was yum.

I don't know what is going on in my head at the moment. Just can't get my head around this dieting business at the moment. I am trying to analyse the thoughts and feelings and work out what's happening. I am wondering whether it is a mix of hormones as well as just being doing SSing for too long. I feel like my life is starting to take off and I am feeling accepted as I am (more dates in the last month than a long time) and I want to be "normal". Take tonight, I want to not be a freak when I meet Mr Pirate. I like him and I think he likes me too. I hope that we can do it again (although we'll see how tonight goes first). But I feel that I'm just at that weight where I could lose a stone or so and people just understand, ie not question it or pity me for being so grossly obese. Before when I was so fat I couldn't tell anyone I was on a diet because I was so sensitive about it. I didn't want them to look at me and think "yeah, you're right, you fat minger - get on a diet". Now I feel if I say I am wanting to lose a bit of weight people just say "oh yeah, I know what you mean - I really want to lose a few pounds too". I feel like I can be "part of the crowd". And that's all I've ever wanted - to blend in. I think today has just been part of my subconscious telling me this. If I look back at the other times I have eaten (when not at TOTM) it has usually been when I am due to go out for a night out with people I don't know particularly well - at least well enough the explain about SS. Looking back at my diary - first slip up was a night out with my brother's mate who I didn't think understood SS. Second time was my M&S night out where everyone was eating and drinking socially and finally tonight I am meeting Mr Pirate and I really do want to have a drink. If I've given in already it won't matter if I have a drink anyway. I think in a way I am giving myself permission but in a cockhanded, crazygirl, loopy sort of way!!! That is what has happened every time!

BUT with J it was different in that I had told him all about SSing beforehand and thought we had made a good connection and I trusted him totally. The date with R I drank coffee all night because I really didn't care too much about him and I knew I wouldn't see him again, therefore no need to explain. I did give in later that night when put under pressure by my brother's mates and when we went to a club and I wanted to be "normal" again! Perhaps a "normal" diet rather than yo-yoing and feeling crap about myself everyday is what I'm longing for.

Mmm, this is far too deep for now. I have to go and jump in the shower and "beautify" myself. Only 2 hours to go before my date and I don't need to depress myself before I go!
 
Listen, hun - the priority right now is that you enjoy your date. Put everything aside for tonight and go have yourself some fun, girlfriend!!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Oh well, where do I start? OK basics - what did I wear. I wore a dress, amazing! Bought this dress a few weeks ago from warehouse and I love it. It's just above the knee and is black with a flowery pattern. There is a belt tie thing that ties around the back. I wore it with thick black tights, knee length boots (my biker style ones that I wore in Newcastle) and a 3/4 length black cardi. Felt quite good. Got to the pub just before 9pm and had enough time to go to the loo and brush my hair before he turned up (he was about 5 mins late).

We had a couple of drinks in the Wetherspoons pub and then had a little walk. He was sore from playing football. We walked to the seafront and admired the view of the lights over the bay before we had a cuddle. He wanted more than a cuddle and I had to discourage him slightly and suggested we return to the pubs. Went to another couple of pubs and he was very quiet. He said he was just tired after working and playing footie. Got chucked out of the pub at closing time and he walked me home. We sat in my car to say goodnight and again he was trying it on and I had to tell him to behave. Are all men the same? Do they only think of one thing? My only conclusion is that either he is desperate or that I am so sexy that he couldn't keep his hands off me! *LOL* I hope it's something inbetween but who knows! So in conclusion I am not sure how I feel about him. He isn't the most exciting man I've met and the conversation was quite dull at points (not sure whether that was to do with his tiredness or whether he thought I was boring). Funnily enough he perked up in the back of my car!!!!! Threw him out of the car and bid him night night - telling him I wasn't that kind of girl and besides I was in a car in the road outside my house with my mum and dad's bedroom window just above us. Never in a month of Sundays lol!

I told him he needed to know me better and if he wanted to then to text me and we'd go out again. Ball is in his court and tbh I'm not really that bothered either way. Hark at me, what am I like!

He is very sweet but very quiet and if I'm honest a little wimpish. He was very reticent to make a decision and if I suggested anything he just shrugged his shoulders and said "ok". I think you would be hard pushed to get any enthusiasm out of him! Um, am I being too picky? I always said I wanted a guy who was REALLY into me. I couldn't tell whether he was or not. Ok, he wanted to get into my knickers but that doesn't mean he liked me does it lol! Oh well, we'll see what happens. Quite glad I'm away in Edinburgh this weekend - I'll be glad of the break!
 
:D morning Sarah
Sounds like you are in control! :D Well done on being firm about matters physical :)

I think you're probably right - a mix of the two - you being so sexy and all men being single-minded! ;)

If you found him a bit boring on your first real date, then, sorry, it doesn't bode well for future dates.. but it could've been shyness (althought the other stuff suggests not.. lol). Hmm, well.. at least you had a pleasant evening and looked fab and behaved like the lady you are! :D So, lots of pluses!

If he texts and asks for another date then I'd go for it.. he might've been tired (but then, he knew he would be so dur!!) lol.. make sure it's earlier in the evening and that he hasn't been dribbling all evening :giggle: ;)

Have a great day, and felt so pleased to see you being so self-confident and in control of it all :D You're a fab woman! :)
 
Umm, So Peeved That I Can't Do This!

So I'm back to start again, in fact it's minus the start. Why can't I stick to this at the moment??? :(

I want to so badly but just seem incapable. What totm is it? To be honest I don't even know! I am really beginning to think that I deluding myself and I am just a weak willed undisciplined person who will never ever be slim in my whole life!!!! I am too messed up in the head to do this and I should accept facts and get on with it.

Oh dear, I'm on a slippery mental slope aren't I? Good job I've got my counselling session tomorrow morning isn't it! I really don't know where to go from here but surely it can only be up!

Oops, just had a break there as I was chomping on a chip bap. Grrrrrrrr :break_diet: .

Datewise, Mr P texted me this morning to say he had "a very pleasant evening and sorry for being tired". I replied next time (if he wanted a next time) then we wouldn't do it on a football night. He replied definately and he'll try to show a little more life. I guess we'll see if he texts me.

Came home and once again J was waiting for me on MSN. He asked where I'd been and I told him and he asked how it went. When I said ok but he was a bit dull he seemed just a little pleased - wonder why! He seems to think that he's set the bar quite high. In fact he has a little! I am so peeved that I just don't fancy him otherwise he would be perfect. Darn!
 
My Head's In Meltdown!

Having a bit of a mental meltdown tonight and I need to get something down here in order to make some sense of it!

So where do I begin to make sense of this.

First of all I am really not able to stick to SS or any other plan at the moment. This shouldn't be my week for struggling so what else is going on that might be troubling me?

Ok, so let's think about it.

1. Trip to Edinburgh. I go to Edinburgh this weekend to my friend's daughter's wedding. It's going to be a great trip but I think I am worried about it but only tonight am I beginning to crystalise these thoughts. When I left Edinburgh I was at my lowest weight and have since put back on 2 stone. Everyone was so amazed and proud of me and now I feel like they will judge me for being weak willed - "see, we knew she couldn't maintain it". I don't even have an outfit yet. Went to Debenhams after work and looked around. Didn't see much but tried on a nice skirt and cardi, but couldn't find a top to match. The skirt was size 16 and slightly too big. I am ashamed for going back there. I have some lovely dresses in size 12 and there is no way they will fit! Feeling so crap I came home and decided to stop at the local Londis to buy snacks and junk food. Couldn't park my new car and got it stuck on a hill. Kept stalling it and it ran backwards into another car. So slowly there was no damage but I got freaked out and worked myself up so much I just couldn't get it started. So in tears I phoned my dad (luckily the shop was round the corner to our house) and he got out of the bath and came and rescued me. Felt like such an idiot when he started it and moved it no problem. Was totally in tears. Got home and my mum handed me a big glass of wine lol! My mum is going to meet me after work tomorrow to help me find an outfit. The retail park is great because it has really good shops and it's open till 8pm every night.

2. Counselling appointment is tomorrow. It's at 9am and I've been thinking about it all day today. I'm going to have to go over some pretty personal stuff again that I have become so used to surpressing. I want to be helped so much but I think I am beyond it! I despair that I will ever overcome my comfort eating. I have tried so hard over the years but have never changed. That's why I am desperate for it to be physical. I really want someone to take the responsibility from my shoulders. I want to believe that I can be better and that I can be normal! I really don't feel at this moment in time that I ever will be. I know it is a defeatist attitude but I really don't actually believe I can be permanently slim. I accept that there will always be a struggle with my weight but I really don't feel like I can cope with feeling this rubbish forever! What if I am unfixable?

3. In the same vein (no pun intended) I have another blood test tomorrow. This is to check my hormones and I am glad I'm having it done but I still hate needles. I should be getting used to them by now but still feel anxious!

4. Finally work. Work is ok and today I felt like I learnt quite a lot and see quite a bit of potential to the job but there are still lots of "office politics" on display, causing some frayed tempers and some personality clashes between other staff members. I had the interview at the conservatory company tonight. It was ok. They can improve (slightly) on my salary and match the holiday allowance. They have another 3 people to see and will get back to me at the end of the week. If they say yes then I will have to make a decision on whether to take it or not. Not in the right frame of mind to do that at the moment. Almost wish that they reject me so I don't have to make the decision. Ostrich me? Never!

Oh well I've wittered on too much again and I am so tired. Need to sleep so I am going to head off to bed. Hope I can sleep so that I feel better tomorrow!
 
Hun - the majority of the women in this country are a size 16+, so you ARE normal.

You're normal cos you've got anxieties about losing the weight again.

You're normal cos you're nervous about bearing your soul to a complete stranger.

You're normal cos you got flustered with your new car (my mum has rung me in tears twice cos she hasn't been able to find the fecking handbrake!!!).

You're about as unloony as you can get!!!

You're just having a rough patch, is all.

IF anyone says ANYTHING negative to you in Edinburgh, which I doubt they will cos you look lush - then just say that you had so many comments about being too thin, you decided to put a bit of weight back on to see how you felt. You don't feel particularly comfortable, so you're going to lose it again. That way, it's a positive rather than a negative. (works for me anyhoo!)

Take heart, babes - you know you can SS when your head's in the right place. It's just not that time right now.


lots of love
 
I gave a shiver when I read your post, Sarah, because it was so evocative of me this time last year - in total despair at my continued failure to achieve what I SO WANTED, i.e. to lose weight and be healthy. Why the hell could I not do it? I wanted to so much? What was stopping me? Why did I always fail?

This despair infected all areas of my life and eventually I 'gave in' and went to my GP who put me on anti-depressants (I was so afraid of those things). Desperation made me agree to give them a try.

I've read all your posts Sarah and you are anything but weak-willed (I am sure that the others will back me up on that one), but you are putting an enormous amount of pressure on yourself and I wonder if something in your subconscious is saying "enough already, gimme a break from this SSing, AAM stuff" and fighting your conscious efforts to stay on track. You know that your subconscious will always win in the end!

The counselling session will hopefully be a chance for you to start to get to grips with what's really going on in your head. Good luck with it.

As far as imagining what 'people' will think when they see you in Edinburgh, larger than you were when you left, again, from reading all the posts on this thread, I know how well you are regarded by the people who have met you and post here. That is an inescapable fact Sarah. Those who love you and care for you will continue to do so whatever weight you are when you see them. They will be so overjoyed at seeing you and spending time with you that, quite frankly, they will not give a f****ng f*** what you look like!

Please give yourself a chance to enjoy your weekend in Edinburgh! Try not to get too hung up on the weight issue!
 
Hi Sarah, just wanted to pop in to say I hope the counselling went okay this morning and it wasn't as stressful as you anticipated..... I feel a lot like you at the moment and every day is a constant battle!! I do know though that we are both strong women who will get to our goals one way or another, and in our own time.. we're here and continuing to try and beat our food demons... somedays we win somedays we lose but overall I think we're ahead....:)

Thinking of you lots and sending you all my love and big, big ((((((:)hug99: )))))))

xxxxxxxxxxxx:)
 
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