Glycogen Stores Refilled!
God, what a yo-yoer I am! Everytime I seem to have it sussed, reality check and I fall over again!
My last post sounded really good and I thought I was through the worst and on my way to SS heaven.
How about NO! It's all gone Pete again!
I finished writing my last post on Saturday evening and went downstairs and ate chocolate! Doh!
I then beat myself up all evening, and subsequently ate more chocolate.
Sunday I woke up and felt really awful and decided that I really have a problem and I need to do something about. Therefore I called Sunday my "Defeat the Demons Day". Yep, sounds good doesn't it. But the trouble is my demons defeated me. In fact they totally defeated, squashed and anhiliated (sp?) me. The binge started with a penguin (biscuit, not the non-flying bird!) for breakfast. I then took the dog for a walk as an excuse to go to the supermarket and buy chocolate, a sandwich, pasta salad, cookies and crisps. All this done in secret so my mum and dad wouldn't know. Couldn't eat all of it and the pasta was really horrible. Small breakthrough in that I did actually chuck the bits I couldn't eat in the bin - something that would normally be unheard of! Mind you, I still did manage to make myself feel really ill!
I did walk the dog for 2 hours as I did the long route to the shops. Still I consumed about 10 times more calories than I burnt off!
Came home and hid in my room for a few hours until the urge to binge came over me again. Macca, walkies! This time it was the chip shop for a burger roll and more chocolate. God - what is wrong with me?
During the consumption, walking across the playing fields I had a major lightbulb moment. I realised that this is what I do EVERY time I'm at my Mum and Dad's and I'm feeling alone. My weight problem started in my early teens when I felt quite alienated. My best friends at school had just moved away and I felt like I was the only one who didn't have a boyfriend. I would fill the hours being alone by surpressing the loneliness with eating. CLASSIC COMFORT EATING! The same applies now. I'm single and living at my Mum and Dad's, a distance away from my friends. I've just reverted back to my old behaviour haven't I? I'm twice the age but I still feel like that lost lonely teenager of my youth. Sometimes experience just isn't enough to make the difference when what you feel inside is nothingness.
When I came home I retreated to my room (again) as my mum and dad were eating their dinner and I couldn't bear to watch them.
I was busy thinking about what's going on my head at the moment and decided to write my issues down in a list. Had just started when my eating got rumbled! My mum came upstairs and asked if I'd been eating my dad's cheese. I had last week but the floodgates opened and I told my Mum how awful I felt and that I'd been eating all day.
I cried a lot and she made me come downstairs and talk to her and my Dad and tell them what was on my mind. We actually talked over a nice G & T and I felt relief wash all over me (or was that the alcohol?). I thought that when I moved out of my flat I would feel better, but the reality of how much more I still have to do in the near future is building up inside of me and instead of exploding I do what I always do and internalise it. The abuse starts again by eating crap and making myself feel awful!
I know this is probably not interesting for many people, but I am going to write my list of issues down as I need to "get them out there" and then I can hopefully work on them!
1. Still no date set for move, this leaves me in limbo for a lot of things:
- can't organise travel back up for hen night
- can't organise travel for wedding
- can't begin to organise my new flat
- can't complete my OU course (due date 31st Oct) as all the stuff is packed
2. Living at Mum and Dad's:
- living around the corner from my old house and the place where me and my ex lived/separated
- feel like a teenager again
- feel guilty if I go out
- feel guilty about Macca being cooped up all day. Either I'm cooped up with him or he's on his own. Feel guilty that when I go out that Mum and Dad have to look after him.
- feel like I should be doing more to help Mum and Dad sround the house by decorating/packing.
3. The wedding:
- the responsibilty of being a bridesmaid
- seeing the ex again for the first time in over a year and he'll be with his new girlfriend (tall blonde one that he cheated on me with)
- fitting in my dress perfectly and looking good
- hen night still to be organised
4. Holiday with ex-flatmate to organise, where, when and how much.
5. Major interview
- recruitment day 2 on October 19th
- preparation and travel plans
6. Money
- no current income, but can't look for job, living off credit card!
- guilty about not working - have never not worked
- can't relax
Realised my main negative motivator in life is GUILT! Writing all this down has made me realise I spend about 70% of my time feeling guilty about things, most of which I can't control, the rest is me building things up so that I think people are thinking bad of me when in fact they don't give a damn! This is especially so with my parents. They don't care if I come and go as I please, my dad doesn't want me to help decorate (he made me laugh by tell me I was rubbish at it anyway - true fact!). I need to ease up on myself and not care so much about what people think! I care a lot about what people think and I think this is tied in a lot with my self esteem. I have been analysing the last couple of weeks and my "personal life". I have been very cynical with the guys I have met and not really let myself go and have a good time. I met a really lovely guy a few weeks ago. I really would have liked to spend some time with him but I put him off with excuses. He said to me "you really have been hurt in the past" and he's right in lots of ways but I'm also so down on myself that I couldn't possibly believe that he would want to be with me for me. In fact we first met in a club and when we were talking later he asked me why I'd rejected him in the club. I didn't realise it had been perceived like that but my self defence mechanism must have come across as coldness or aloofness. Sometimes it's not all about me is it? I have been "ugly" for so long that I think that anybody who pays me attention is probably on a dare, is too drunk or is satisfied with sloppy seconds! The same also applied to the guy I was with on Friday night. He kept saying to me "just have some fun" but I kept thinking "what's his ulterior motive?" or "he's so drunk, he'll regret it tomorrow". I think I was quite sensible on Friday to refuse because of him being an attached ex-workmate but I regret the guy with no ties from a few weeks ago. I guess the truth is that I'm scared!
Goodness I have such issues don't I? I suppose all of us on here have issues of one kind or another or we wouldn't abuse food like we do and be reverting to the desperate measures of a VLCD! Karen1972, please let me know how you get on with a search for a counsellor, do you think we could get bulk discount?
Woke up today (Monday) with a slightly fuzzy gin head and the absolute resolve that I would NOT be SSing today. On the whole I have eaten healthily, but have had a few chocolate bars thrown into the mix. I'm actually sipping a glass of wine whilst writing this and loving it! I'll be having a nice healthy meal for dinner tonight with my parents. I will then have a sit down later and re-evaluate where I am and where I go from here and what I do next in terms of SSing. I don't know whether to call my LLC as she will just be out of hospital but I do need her advice. I spent this afternoon shopping (mostly window shopping) and I really enjoyed it and it was mostly guilt free. I did buy a nice meal for tonight and a lot of that was a thank you to my mum and dad (still trying assuage some of my guilt?) and spent a nice hour in Borders Books, my favourite shop. Did buy a couple of self help books, but couldn't find one on overcoming guilt. That was a bad thing because I felt guilty for spending money on the credit card - catch 22! It's funny because I carry guilt over the stupist things - I quite often feel guilty because I don't get to read the threads of my lovely friends on here and I think that makes me a bad friend in return. I should ease up - I have so much going on I couldn't possibly keep up with it all at the moment and I doubt few of you take it personally do you? I don't take it personally if people don't read my thread, I'm writing it for myself and my own personal growth. Afterall I wouldn't expect anyone to read such a mammoth post such as the one I've just written. It's only taken me over an hour to write! But to be honest it has helped a lot and as long as no one else minds my rambling, I will just get on with it! (listen to me apologising for writing on my own thread!). God I'm a freak aren't I?
Off to help make tea and I'm going to really enjoy it!
