Belle's Journey

[bellefrogette]

:coffee:/6,

I said maybe I would not weigh till Friday, but actually its all just part of my morning ritual so I best just keep it. Finished my 3 day course last night, did not stay right till the end cos I wanted to get home and sleep.


My sleep patterns are really off and then I wonder why I get tired and wired and nibble at something..in a meditation I asked my body what was at the core of it all that I could address easily- the answer

Tiredness.

No inner child stuff, no cognitive hocus pocus, no inexplicable complusion or self hating or fear of being slim yada yada whatever, nope, it is tiredness plain and simple.

again in mediatation I asked what shall I do

answer- no spiritual white light of enlightenment ,just a booming voice saying


GET ENOUGH FREAKIN SLEEP CupCake

 

[bellefrogette]

latest news

gonna make me a vision wall in the kitchen

because

 

[bellefrogette]

strong ketones this morning

 

[bellefrogette]

:coffee:/6,

I had a choice last night, go to one of my favourite classes or sleep, my body said sleep my head said sleep a bit and go to the class. Set the alarm to get up, got up when the alrm went off and went back to sleep.

so now its just past midnight and I am awake..technically I could go to the gym -yep I belong to a gym that has a 24 hour branch, but its a bit far.


Anyhow I feel slightly guilty at not going to the class but I put
the needs of my body first.

But before I slept last night I really was pondering my attitude to the gym, I play fast and loose with it, so I am going to spend the time I am up now journalling about it all .:character00115:

 

[bellefrogette]

today I'll be listening to

his book

 

[bellefrogette]

:coffee:/6,


today is another class of mine I like, fashion, but I am not going in. I want to stay home and clean house, do washing and clean house some more,pop down to the gym, come back and clean some more..its that type of mood.

wrote about the gym at starbucks, lots of old emotions there , but also the realisation that what is past is past if I let it be.


letting things be is a skill I want to develop around people places and things, I just do not even want to have much of a judgement around any person, place or thing that does not serve me.


Another thing that got to me yesterday was how little it can take to be caught up in unhelpful feelings , instead of carrying on with what matters to me and focusing on what I am becoming.


Its soooooo easy to blame others and see them as the cause of xyz. But I am smarter than that and I don't need to fall into the trap of blame and expectations of others. 'Cos it is a trap.I simply end up disempowering myself and for what? Nothing.

There are plenty of good generous warm supportive people out there and all I need do is keep on keeping on. I am in this for the long haul, not because of the amount of weight I want to lose but because for me its about becoming a particular type of person...I keep my eye on becoming her.

 

[bellefrogette]

Gosh I am really wobbly today..I can feel it, so staying in is probably a wise move..I think I might blog through out the day just to get through.Also blogging will help me structure my day

9.45-11-

thoughts..no one has to like me, infact its perfectly ok and normal for a person to dislike me..it does not make them wrong, nor am I wrong for accepting myself...but no one can give you 'the look' like a woman in the gym who is soooooo happy she is not as fat as you..:cry:



mean while ...to do..


washing all my size gazllillion clothes, though I do know they are not huge but even if they were so what ?.And giving everything in the kitchen a good sparkle, lots of hot green tea with sweetner.

that will take me to 11am

 

[bellefrogette]

watched the apprentice in the background, the woman who was fired was nice, got along with people was hard worker but as the panel said
''lacked fire and that killer instinct''


reminded me alitte of what I wrote in my journal yesterday, there are times when to get past a plateau or to undo some conditioning I will have to go into power mode and move or operate with aggression and when I am on a roll at the gym ( quite different from even power walking out doors ) I really feel that energy rising in me.

sometime being sweet won't cut through the B.S .

11-12.00-


finding NLP mp3s and finishing the gym related image board

 

[bellefrogette]

watched a little of NLP master richard bandler, I am drinking tea but its not hot enough so I am not getting my boost, feeling constipated. Time does fly when its broken in hourly segments, 2 load of washing gone in. Thoughts of what I'll do over my xmas break holdy/break..I have not had my CD today yet.


12-1pm


listening to a podcat on remote viewing and lucid dreaming, very twilight zony , clearing off table..so much stuff around the computer... and clear/cleaning front room and the hoovering the flat.

 

[bellefrogette]

spoke with a friend on skype vedio and he pointed out at how different I was this time round, ie dealing with my emotions and my weight at the same time...and encouraged me to simply take stock , take a deep breath and allow the emotions to flow ....


so

2.30- 4pm 90 mins


sorting out paperwork, wtaching a movie in the background and having my hot CD with almond essence

 

[bellefrogette]

Bed early for me, its coming up to 5 pm, had to take some tablets because constipation does not help my mood, the cat is asleep at the bottom of the bed, best join him after another hot CD with flavoring

 

[bellefrogette]

:coffee:/4

its 6.30 am and today is the day I put away the microwave..not that I believe microwaves are healthy anyway.

Staying home yesterday I got pretty still and in that stillness I felt the distinct prompt to pack the black box away.


One thing I also realised last night was that my approach to Cd had been and will continue to be conflicted unless I see that CD is essentially a fast . And what I need is not talks on nutrition and diets, over eating and complusion its talk on fasting, contemplation, spirit and stillness. And all the things that come up during fasting.

some will say that CD is not a fast because one is getting nutrition and calories and I agree, butthe best mind set for me is to feel I am on a fast, otherwise I will continue to nibble

I do not have the book below but I have downloaded a podcast on it, no doubt its going to be very christian but that is fine, there are also alot of podcasts on fasting and ramadam and those might be a better bet.

yesterdays storm is past and I am still standing..I do not feel stronger, I feel pretty naked. I did note that 2 lbs upped and left somewhere in the night but I think my attitude to the pounds is one of a type of indifference..its the inside steps which are holding my attention cos I do not want to feel I might put the weight back on.

I need to know what's done is done and that when I have lost all the weight, bygones can truely be bygones.

 

[bellefrogette]

:coffee:/4


The thing on my mind as I woke was my deep need for simplicity and pleasure along the way.


Simplicity

Because I am tired of the conflicting view points on how to do things, anything, there is always someone with an alternative point of view saying, no, its this way or do it that way, from losing weight to mediation to creativity to how to be in a relationship. And so it goes on. It’s never enough to make a decision and simply stick with it, to say this is it, for now.


I told my holiday host when I come, I am not cooking at all, not even so much as to put something in the microwave. I am coming for 4 weeks and I need a simple time. He got it, but I knew that when I get there I would have to reinforce what I have said and mean.

Image courtesy of Raelene G

 

[bellefrogette]

The second thing is pleasure,

Everything becomes a grind, weight loss, being beautiful, spirituality, creativity, and just being in the world becomes a grind, devoid of pleasure. And where then is the quintessence of being alive of being here, if its all about 'the rent'?

So I guess I woke frustrated and angry at how things have become and also curious as to how I can change things.

 

[bellefrogette]

The first thing I know for sure is the need for simplicity.

Simplicity itself is a radical gesture, its goes against the grain of increasing complication and increasing angst. Nothing to do with become superficial, simplicity can have great depth, because I have cut away the dross and that which is extra, cut away the weight. Even my excess weight is a result of unnecessary complications many which I don't need and maybe even never wanted.

The simple ground of being, the simple ground beneath my feet is not simplistic, but it is what it is.

Even meditation, something as beautiful and warm and as 'at home' as meditation I have allowed to become complicated by the voice of others and the pushiness of others.

But to have the simplicity I need I have to understand everything, every person, every place, every event that complicates my life and like a warrior with a sword, cut it out. To live that life of beautiful elegant simplicity will take commitment, discipline and an uncompromising stance, because the world as it is set up does no encourage or support simplicity. But if I do not like the world I inhabit, it is my duty to change it.

 

[bellefrogette]

Insisting on pleasure is also radical, saying, “No I won’t struggle, be miserable, join in with misery and angst”, and to know joy and pleasure is a discipline in its own right to ask, what would give me joy?

Wow.

For instance this morning I was booked to attend a telephone business meeting, but what is on the agenda is changes to the agenda, which has become so wordy and ponderous the organisation cannot move under the weight of it. I do not have to be there to know how long it will tack for them to vote on the simple removal of this item or that.

My stomach, my gut clenched at the thought of joining in. So I wrote an email back saying I won’t be coming and urging them to accept my vote as a given for anything that would simplify the process.


Alternative my local Buddhist centre has a full day of ‘friendship’, I am not a Buddhist but when I ponder if I should go or not, my stomach feels relaxed, clam, a sense that going there would be tasty, delicious, pleasurable. I can just go, I can just be.

 

[bellefrogette]

Sat 28 Nov 2009

I eat for every reason under the sun, but what is constant is a need to nourish and take care of myself. I tend not to be a pity-me type of person and I don’t use excuses. I am tired of making it so hard on myself to lose weight- its not rocket science and this time round I am looking at more management tools and strategies, because at the point where I need nourishment, I am just not thinking straight and often times its too late.

I actually had a reasonably good day yesterday, went walking, bought new trainers and some xxl gym wear and was so tired by the time I got home I had an Indian takeaway.


inspirational woman of the day Denise Lewis, beauty, strengh, will power

:coffee:/4
Gosh I was looking at my first post on the forum almost a year ago with Denise lewis, even then I knew that getting to health would and must include addressing exercise and activity.

then about a week ago I came across this thread Here


and the thread brought it all back to me, the importance of activity though I have images of fit women on my kitchen wall.

So this is how I see myself

but erm , how much am I really doing about it.

Cupcake , that kind of body takes work, so make the changes in your life that will enable you to make the changes in your body..Kapish?

 

[bellefrogette]

Drinking breakfast orange CD with frontier maple flavouring, just a few drops and it gives the Cd a bit of a boost. Since I do not have the micro wave out I just used hot water. Simpler.



Anyhow regarding the above as I see it, the best thing to do, which is simple and sustainable is to write my intent in the morning...most likely the first few days will be wobbly, but maybe not.

Monday 22 November 2010

3- 4 level scoops of CD -330-

but since I am out all day I am already not sure, but there is a micro wave at one of the uni bars but will I want to trugde all the way there?

1 cross fit gym session

even if each machine is no more than 5 mins

15 mins in the sauna



30 mins walk x 2


I'll see how much I actually do

 

[bellefrogette]

Monday 22 November 2010

3- 4 level scoops of CD -330-

but since I am out all day I am already not sure, but there is a micro wave at one of the uni bars but will I want to trugde all the way there?

1 cross fit gym session

even if each machine is no more than 5 mins

15 mins in the sauna



30 mins walk x 2


I'll see how much I actually do

Well I actually did - not alot.


excuse/reason

I went to the docs for some antibiotics for an infection, took 2 , lay down for a nap and slept from 11 am- 7pm..I am up now and the flat is freakin cold .

so what I will do is put some more images in my health and fitness book, go through my playlists on itunes and revamp my ipod

and start tomorrow.

 

[bellefrogette]

keep on