Belle's Journey

[bellefrogette]

well, I'd go along with this .

 

[bellefrogette]

something that has to be experienced."

 

[bellefrogette]

those were the days my friend we thought they'd never end, we'd sing and dance for ever and a day

 

[bellefrogette]

Evening..

 

[MinnieMel]

Night Belle --

Maybe the miles walked seemed to be less, because you are becoming more fit.

How was the WW meeting? Did you watch the class?

MM

I'm up with a poorly child.

 

[bellefrogette]

dancing in sunlight

 

[bellefrogette]

Incredible lightness of being

 

[bellefrogette]

moonlit streets

 

[bellefrogette]

once upon a time

 

[MinnieMel]

Blue Bug.... hummm, posh? Not sure.

Name related to function? Colour? Cost?

Tanzanite Ticker?

 

[bellefrogette]

/13

inspirational woman of the day-Artist- Kara walker

Planning the day ahead around what I love and using Cd/walking/gym to support that love .


walking as far as possible to fashion class drinking water

determination to begin getting out of the house in a timely fashion

buy red paint
order canvas boards

see if I can get through the day carrying my stillness with me



Artist’s way- 1

Recovering a Sense of Safety
"This week initiates your creative recovery. You may feel both giddy and defiant, hopeful and sceptical." The focus of establishing a sense of safety will "enable you to explore your creativity with less fear."


Perhaps of all the workbooks I like Julia Cameron’s questions the least so it might be as well to address things thematically initially

On Monday I read an essay by Carol Becker which had me transfixed. It was on women creativity and anxiety - that inexplicable sense of unease that comes over many women when some creative endeavour is about to commence. Becker spoke about gender conditioning and how that conflicts and subverts the conditions needed for creativity, such as space and time, determination, focus and identity and the willingness to make mistakes, experiment and carry on...but most of all autonomy.

She also spoke about how gender conditioning ensures that most female artists will have as a priority- how their creativity and pursuing a career in their creative field will affect their relationships and loveability.

Becker brought up support and how a male artist might well take it for granted that not only will he get the emotional support within the relationship, but that he will be left alone when he needs to be at one with his creative process.Nor does he concern himself over much with thoughts of being selfish...his art is important and he knows it.




From the website ‘ paperartsstudio’. a women writes something I find very useful about her morning pages…

‘…While I was writing morning pages, I felt tightness in my low back and across my stomach. As I layered down farther and reached my honest fears, it was interesting to feel the tightness gradually subside. My muscled lengthened and relaxed more when I wrote about my solution to my dilemma…’

One of the tools of the artist’s way is a morning page, long hand. This morning when I woke I did long hand writing in my journal ,the bedroom is set up for this, but also I wanted a different methodology of writing than the mere narrative. Something with a bit more investigativeness and focus.

Before i would come straight onto the computer to write..I am going to stop that. and give myself a limit of 15 mins online before I get out..I am simply missing too many gm openings because I get caught up in what I am writting and editing and checking for mistakes, dsylexia doubles the time on everything I write and then I miss the window when I really ought to have left.


For me eating emotionally, hence weight gain and not being creative or feeling blocked or feeling ‘not feeling’ around something I love are all bedfellows. My weight represents this aspect of me, this unresolved aspect. It also represents certain vagueness.


This vagueness isn't actually natural to me, in part its sustained from being around too many who are vague around every little thing as if making the simplest of decisions was a bridge too far and besides their inner child would not like it.

Point in question , take my fashion class, the conversations so many are having around me is mind boggling in its dullness, gossip mags, celebs, sports, calories and weight, just on and on..well I just plug in my ipod...and don't allow it to affect me.

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi Bel --

It sounds as if you have a very busy and full life. I, too, should set a timer and then get off the computer.

I hope you had a good day and enjoyed the walk to and from class.

MM

 

[bellefrogette]

/9




One reason I weigh daily is that I enables me to keep an eye on things.
Sometimes my emotions are not the best indicator of anything.

Yesterday went quite well, though I would have liked to drunk more hot water while out. When my water drops it’s a challenge to keep the focus.


I am getting used to wearing the pedometer, it’s by my phone so I don’t forget it. But my backpack is still too heavy. I pack the kitchen sink and that always affects how much I can walk and the pace that I can walk. But there is also the state I am in when I get home; with a heavy backpack I get home too tired. It’s an unpleasant type of tiredness, which means I crave carbs or something very very sweet.



So I want to walk more, its kinda native to me regardless of my weight but I am going to have to lighten my load..just an ipod and a small journal..no netbook , cup,bottle of large water or a book or two that I might want to read. It will have to be a discipline because I have the habit of packing heavy and the bag simply gets heavier during the day. I am still not sleeping well enough and waking refreshed cos I am too tired by the time I get into bed.

 

[bellefrogette]

Inspirational woman of the day
still - artist Kara Walker

the dream I had last night made reference to her, which is pleasing. She has the combination of high academic intellectual rigour and aesthetic uniqueness that is a bench mark for me.




From another blogger on the Artists way

Tayari Jones

Says

"..The theme of Week One in The Artist's Way is RECOVERING A SENSE OF SAFETY. One of the assignments is to make your "Monster Hall of Fame" in which you record the names of people that have injured your creative spirit. Another assignment is to make note of your champions. Am I the only one who is finding that there are a number of people who show up on both lists?
The reason for this, I think, is that a lot of people who discourage us from being artists do so because they fear for us and the people who care enough to fear, will cheer you on once it's safe..."


I will look more closely at Cameron’s assignments. For certain I am going to get on my Thursdy 2 am artist way calls, the group also has a meeting on Wednesday at the same time so perhaps I can double up. Also Wednesday is the day traditionally if I am on a program I slump a bit I either begins going slow or come off altogether and decided to begin again on Sunday or Monday.



In many ways I am living the life I want, I am in the profession I want to be in and so I have no excuse and no pity-me story that justifies being overwieght.


I think it is a Bruce Springsteen song he says

“Everybody has to leave that sad stuff someday”

Some of the past is just that past, no matter how painful, its past and its not fixable so why live in it in the present or worst eat over it in the present?

Well nature abhors a vacuum and all that, and if I do not have an artistic road map for the present and the future, it stands to reason that old habits and concerns fill all available space.


Also I am going to stick with professional creatives, the artists hobbiest, weekend painter - just doesn't do it for me.. and some of my friends are dabblers..they always want to talk about art around me..but truth be told , i find them draining because they bring so little artwise to the table ..I amgoing to find a way to stop participating in these conversations because I am giving more than I am getting and that is leaving me drained.( that is the part that is the sob story )... but in actual fact without the sob story all that is left is my responsibility to create better energetic boundaries with those who I find draining in any part of my life...

 

[bellefrogette]

Hi Bel --

It sounds as if you have a very busy and full life. I, too, shoudl set a timer and then get off the computer.

I hope you had a good day and enjoyed the walk to and froom class.

MM

Morning Mel,

Its a one day at a time thing-as always. Regarding time on the computer..I think folks just differ in their need and priorities. I like posting on the site and reading around seeing what others are doing, but I do this first thing in the morning and its not what I can continue doing if I really determined to be an althlete..cos I need to get out of the house before daybreak...Its that simple . Either I am going to train myself to health and Vitality or ' I am all talk' ....


However its also vital that I do spend sometime writting up my diary because I need to know that I am keeping an eye on my progress with the inner stuff and admitting some of my less than stellar aspects of character....

Hope you are keeping well too..and I am watching american biggest loser . when I finish posting or sometimes in the background as I write I have it on.

bella

 

[bellefrogette]

/8

Got to bed on time by cancelling an extra painting class I was taking. Never liked the class or tutor but more than that, its in the evening and I always felt so tired afterwards. There will be time for extra activities when this phase is all over.



I went into fitness first . I'll be going on a gym crawl and watching a few of their classes, seeing which trainer, which music, which time and location. I prefer the black label and platinum branches; the blue label clubs are often not clean enough.

I also have a Reiki session today, but I do not want a healer passing their energy through me. I’ll be asking a few questions on how to access that energy for myself either in me or via whatever source


The TV link I was shown where I could watch US biggest loser. One line struck out at me.

“What was the conversation you were having in your head that made it alright to eat up to 650lbs”?

And another one from different trainer


“I am teaching them how to fight because they gave up on fighting for what matters to them, otherwise they would not be here”

And many more but I especially like those two.

I guess in part its because of where I am now, I do not want any more soft gentle pats on the back or notes of encouragement because I could have finished this at least a year ago with the right type of support. I have had support but it’s the wrong type for me. I don’t need kicks up the butt or any of that stuff, nor anyone shouting at me. I do not want praise for losing a 2 or 3 lbs. a week when I know so much more is possible.


I want/wanted someone to tell it like it is and encourage from that place. Maybe someone who did not want to hear another sad or sob story. A coach-like person with fire in the belly not another pseudo therapist type with a hand box of Kleenex and a soft smile.

Also in the mornings at FF it where many of the city types meet up where there trainers so I am going to watch like a hawk.

When I was at the bank I saw two guys some in who had VPT on the back of their jackets-‘Very personal trainer’. I liked it.

So I don’t know who or when or even how, but I do know, no more tissues and tears. It is tired.

 

[bellefrogette]

inspirational woman of the day

Artist Tracy Emin..because she has had the audacity and courage to be herself and has become a multimilionaire in the process..

so yahbo to all her naysayers and those who said she wasn't feminine enough or demure enough, or ladylike enough..or maybe she should have sacrificed her dreams and ambition to support and nurture some one else .

 

[MinnieMel]

Morning Belle --

I think searching for the right fit for you (exercise and trainer-wise) is important. I am working on developing the fitness plan that not only works for me now, but will be sustainable long-term.

MM

P.S. I love Tracy Emin's work (that which I've seen).

 

[bellefrogette]

I woke at 2 am last night have been working right through the night and at long last I have got the digital imaging software to work, and I know that I'll have the files ready for monday morning.


I did feel like giving up, everything on the PC was so slow and I wished that the software was available for a mac. However instead of rushing out this time I simply got still and went through what might be the errors. Including using a new mouse.

After which, in that stillness of just working through hundreds of images I realised two thing... yes I have full day of fashion today but no I do not want to go.I'll rejoin after mid term, Maybe its machine girl gossip fatigue...I just dislike being in close proximity to people who never stop talking and seem to have to chat hour after hour,and the tutors voice is so high pitched..maybe weight loss simply leading to more sensitivity...


I did want to go to my Reiki appointment but in truth I am tired..poor time management ( in one respect) ( great prioritzing in another ), cos my priority was getting the software to do what it says on the pack.

So I rang the fashion college this morning and actually caught the tutor at reception, so she is not expecting me till late feburary, and the reiki can wait..but self care cannot wait.And I still have a habit of becoming too tired.

So I am taking a bubble bath and I'll either go to bed or I'll go to a big art store and get some paints and sniff the canvass.


Its a relief to begin clearing out activities that are not essential to my week, because i need more time to sleep...and I just want more space around my activities and I am super sensitive to drama and tension at the moment.I am just going to walk away and be Zen about it all, well Zen about me, I am not concerned with what anyone else is doing or not doing unless they are close to me .



And because i intend to work out in a far more potent and intense fashion , again I need to sleep more.

I've downloaded gillians podcast off itunes, Hers is one of the voices I want to here in the mornings..If i don't know anyone real time who has fire in her belly, I can tap into some one virtual till I find someone....alternatively i can just tap into the energies of the trainers in the gym who are working with others.

I also want some body activty, not sure when or which- but it involves an explosive use of my body..maybe less reiki and more kick boxing?


Sugar and spice and all things nice.....naaaaahhhhhh

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi Bel,

Theyhave kick boxing at my local gym and I have thought about giving it a try. Please let me know who you get on if you do try it.

I think the weather makes us tired -- I am going to sit by light box and do some reading -- then try to get busy with some "to dos".

MinnieMel