Belle's Journey

[bellefrogette]

Morning Mel,

I know I could have made life easier for myself in Nov 2009 when I started this diary and including during my time away from it if I had simply listened and believed in what I know to be important...I know what is the right fit for me. I have always known.I don't need to be shown, advised, taught, pushed ,prodded or molly coddled. I don't need so much that I have been runing about attempting to find ..a whole lot of nothing and sends me round in circles .

Ok that is the mel bit

the rest just flowing out is an entry in its own right.so I best get it out so I can go dive into the bubbles.

 

[bellefrogette]

I can also get distracted by the trivial and trivia if its all there is and I think this is why at present I have such a high level of irritation at the sewing machine girls..hard core airheads..and for now I just can't take it.

So i am just going to focus , knuckle down and cut out the time wasting in my day, I have a life to live

I had already vowed that I would stop talking about weight loss , dress sizes and slimming systems and products when I reached goal. 138=/8.

I also vowed that when I had lost weight , apart from my nearest and dearest I would not accept any comments or compliments from others, that I simply wasn't going to talk about it.. I looked forward to that time, being slender and althetic and being silent around it , I can begin that today, Now, even before this post shows up.



So the gift of Silence I am giving myself

- `Means, I refuse to talk negatively about what I am doing or my progress ever again around my body and weight..I learn what I need to and then get on with it. No drama.

-I refuse to get involved with any conversation ever again ( so long as I can remember ) where the body is spoken about negatively in any area- not just weight loss , but mainly infact any type of spiritual program,and religion is rammed full of it .

My body at any size , any weight, is a precious human body and its mine, mine mine ,and it is worthy of my respect, my care and my time and my money ...

- I refuse to feel ashamed or worried about being beautiful any longer .. really beautiful the whole 9 yards


I don't have to have lost all the weight externally before I shut certain things down...or just agree that I have completed that phase .

I'll still do my workbook questions..those are necessary and I feel the commitment has great value to it, but I am moving out of Dodge and into a greater silence .

There were things I learnt at the pranic healing workshop about the wisdom of the body that gets lost in all the emotional old stuff. I just need to do my stuff' clean house and work my program' and go on long walks with wolfy

 

[bellefrogette]

Hi Bel,

Theyhave kick boxing at my local gym and I have thought about giving it a try. Please let me know who you get on if you do try it.



MinnieMel

Actually Mel,

I think with all things physical its better for the individual to try it out for themselves because body, intent and temperment differs so much.I have never really got that much from recommendations maybe because the essence is in the action and my goals are very particular to me. I will compare experiences with someone who is actively doing the exercises though, especiallyif I am having challenges.


Its a maybe for me at the moment and I am simplifying I do know I need something with agression and where I am in a class with more appropriate gender mix for my goals about 2/3rd men..and no pink dumbells.. Best wishes if you take up kick boxing.

Bella

 

[bellefrogette]

/11

yesterday was a still day and this is the first time in a week I have woken up with a minimum sense of being refreshed. I loved the stillness though I think all day of it was too much. In the future I'll give myself the option of half a day of stillness and factor in activity mid day after a nap.


I will do some beautification of the bed room, so that I am more willing to retire early..sometimes I need to coax myself into bed. I am seduced by the next page on the computer.


Better boundaries came up yesterday as well, I saw yeserday that two women were trying to rope me into a project which was not of my intiation. I was intially asked for imput then all of a sudden they began calling themselves -including me- the committee and guess who would be doing all the intiatory investigation, ideas and structuring work - yep, moi.


Another committe conference called was sheduled for Sunday, I wrote the one who had the idea and said I am not coming..The real reason is that though the idea is a good one, the women are too passive to implement it..so this meeting was to 'discuss it some more' which is a default setting when those concerned cannot make a descision or don't too much responsibility .

The thing is that I knew within the first 30 mins that these 3 women would have a challenge to move the idea happen, that is one reason they were very insistent on having me on board and I suppose I felt a bit of sisterly obligation..but


My health and vitality program is very dependent on not being drained, not allowing anyone to hooked into me . Likewise all my adult life I have had a tendency to squander my energies supporting people and projects who cannot self sustain after the intial push..then I am kinda loocked it till they drop out or I carry the whole project . A lot of my eating was emotional and comfort eating but behind it was something more basic...I managed my energy poorly.It was a deeply structural and systematic the constant drain and giving away of vitality and allowing it to be taken away..so the body craves a type of nourishment to compensate..how refreshed i am waking up will be as important a brometer of health as my skin or weight loss or muscle tone.


Basically its something conditioned in me that means I can be something of a energetic spendthrift..then I go to bed exhausted and wake up exhausted and I don't know why..or I feel a craving for somethng carby and sugary and I don't know why..well the why is right there in plain site in the last 24 hours.


I am really thankful that 'himself' showed me how not to be afraid of daily weigh ins or egt emotional over them and to use the scales as a tool of course adjustments


..I have hovered in the 's for a month since I returned from seattle sometime high sometimes low. .I would say in retrospect I needed to come back home to a simpler timetable... Its not that I am going through an anti social phase I just cannot stand the chatter and there is a deep pulling within me to enter into deeper and deeper silence and introspection. To sleep early wake early get out really early, work out early and to just paint. .

I have this movies on my hard drive..it might be a good one to watch today while the laundry goes round and around.

 

[bellefrogette]

Weekly Review


to do in the week

-finding a juice bar I can get to easily..my one addition to CD 330 is a green juice, I use powder cos I am too lazy to juice ad there used to be a juice bar close to my gym where I could get fresh wheatgrass..but it closed.- this is urgent-the powder is better than nothing and not as good as fresh.



i did not find any bar which did pure fresh vegetable juice..the most commercial crushhhhhsss had something with apple and ginger ,I just wanted vegetables, instead I began having blended greens in with the powdered wheat grass



-get in touch with the complimentary health practitioner make more appointments.


I did this but found that I did not go to the appointment..two reasons I did not want anyones energy that I do not know passing through me, I was tired and I want to learn how to pass energythrough myself , probably via nature, a goof solid tree will do it.People have their own stuff energtically and I am simply not opening myself up to that I am sensitive enough as it is

-find a way to integrate fitness activity as a core expression of my creativity and the shape of the day.

progress with the walking, popped into FF but that is about it.

on sundays begin answering Bill Philips transformations workbook questions.


well ok that sort of got done, but it wasn't an action based attempt

take photo booth photos-once a week

didn't do- forgot

buy bunch red roses.

yes

sat/sun/mon evening ( ww weigh in ) - be in strong ketosis

no

after ww meeting watch cardio class


no

(I need to take massive action- yea Anthony Robbins- to get the gym fitness aspect up and running..but how ?)


exactly how-wishing was fine but passive , I did get a lot from watching Biggest loser episodes, I realised that there will be no massive action and no 'burn' if I don't start pulling my energy in and stop the drain so it can build..massive action is not possible on low energy.

The week in retrospect regarding last weeks goals

 

[bellefrogette]

Week 24

This book was recommend to me yesterday to do with project and data management as being excellent

but I was also told it can be applied to any vision and any project and that the principles carry over..


well though I may feel, its been 4 weeks since Seattle and 24 ( an a half) till I go again I have done one extremely important thing this week..the importance of energy and time management has come screaming to the fore front of my mind and I have cut out anything - activities ,people , places and events which either I do need or which I do not right need now.

I could see clearly that I was not getting out of the house early enough and some things I like doing in the morning would have to change . I have made space .

watching Biggest loser on TV made a big difference to how I saw incremental gains..24 weeks .more than enough time but only if I see what it takes for what it is .

So I am going to do a one page vision vitality health and strength plan long hand.



as an aside I am glad I did not rush out early this morning because I have just had my delivery of books from amazon on color mixing reicipes, color for painters and color mixing index.. now that is the stuff that needs to be cooking




I did not get the weight loss on the scales i wanted, I did get the weight loss in my mindset, and my time in the week, I freed up head space and week space, now to put it the place of all that old stuff, somethings that are fabulous.

 

[bellefrogette]

Week 24-goals and stategy

Week 24 Bella's vibrancy and vitality programe

-Beautify the bedroom and make its somewhere i want to retire too..saw this huge teddy bear but it was £40, still I was tempted but close to valentines is not the time to be buying teddy bears for big girls..I wonder if I could float it by 'himself' as a 'good idea 'valentines present..hmm

-get from /11 to / ish


-loads more water

-begin using Valdimer, even if its only 5 mins a day initially


-epping forest or some great part and doing some Reiki with a tree, now that would take some planning, I haven't been to epping forest since junior school

-get my digital images in


-long walks with Wolfgang aka wolfy

simplify simplify simplify, and listen to some Nina while I do the housework..and light candles

 

[bellefrogette]

Ok so who is my inspirational woman of the day


Photographer Carrie Mae Weems

now that is a reason for me to go find my camera, I love the simplicity of her images and thier haunting quality

Blue boy

Gosh there is so much more to life than eating, so much more that nourishes that deep down place.

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi Bel,

I hope you are enjoying your weekend and your films.

I enjoyed the Zumba at Rosemary Conley this morning, and had a nice "coffee morning" with the parents of my DD's friends while she was at the activity center birthday party. (Several of us arranged to "catch up" on each others' lives, while the kids played.)

Now, it is a quiet evening at home -- and, hopefully, a few "to dos" accomplished. I am up to doing two fitness classes a week (4 weeks of Monday Aquafit, and two weeks Zumba) -- so, this week I need to add the 3rd. My walking this week was rubbish, as my DD was home ill -- I could have walked when my DH and/or DS were home... I used it as an excuse to not go out in the gray.

I need to do better.

MM

P.S. Good on you for giving the "committee" a pass.

 

[bellefrogette]

Hi there Mel,

I’ll can maybe take a ‘keep it up’ but not a ‘well done’ yet. Maybe never a ‘well done’ in instances like this . Because I need to see clearly that being able to say ‘no’ or even ‘hell no’, to certain people places and things is a basic skill that needs to be set into power mode and ramped up. It’s way overdue. Many times I should say no and I do not, the reasons do not matter, the simple fact is that at times I get lost in a lot of nonsense about ‘other peoples feelings’ ‘ not wishing to be impolite’ ‘wanting to be helpful’ It’s a never ending litany of lame emotive reasons/excuses.

I do not want to be that type of woman any more, one who is full of reasons and excuses for not doing the right thing for herself. My weight gains, the emotive eating are all an after effect of me being unwilling to do what I know is right. I know that and I am not going to shed tears over it.


I am not talking about others because at the moment I also have little patience around the ‘we ‘ thing and I am not seeking to take my direction from conventional and general wisdom or anyone else’s story or journey. I need to see clearly what is going on with Bella. Bella is the only one who is going to make Bella what she needs and wants to be.

Currently I am all about getting me to 138 in the healthiest manner possible, so there is going to be a lot of no saying. A ‘well done’ at 138lbs will be appropriate, but not until then, because its not complete till its complete. What will work best for me is to remember that and finish what I started, because I can forget and start taking self-congratulatory breaks at the first lap.


Bella.

 

[bellefrogette]

And by the way Mel that new hairstyle it got my attention.

I think 3 times a week of some form of exercise is what tips one into health+ aside from the weight loss benefits.

I went out to thirft stores to get some old glass for the studio, those heavy crystal glass objects which is really impractical, but perfect me. I have an old crystal trifle bowl full of tubes of paint and a crystal mug for washing brushes and some old heavy ash trays as paint pots and someheavy glass trays ..I do not want plastic in the studio ..since I like cleaning I want things which will sparkle and wink back at me for my efforts.

Bella

 

[bellefrogette]

Sat 28 Nov 2009

I eat for every reason under the sun, but what is constant is a need to nourish and take care of myself. I tend not to be a pity-me type of person and I don’t use excuses. I am tired of making it so hard on myself to lose weight- its not rocket science and this time round I am looking at more management tools and strategies, because at the point where I need nourishment, I am just not thinking straight and often times its too late.

Here is what I wrote way back then.

Objectively if I were reading through Bella's thread what would I say to her, what does she know, but keeps on missing?


I would say to her now.....

 

[bellefrogette]

But before I go any further who is my inspirational woman of the day...


It's got to be Susan Saradon , she is just fierce foxy and fab.

 

[MinnieMel]

And, Susan is a model for aging gracefully -- something which I am hoping to do. MM

Okay Bel,

Not "well done", but a "You go girl, put your needs first because they certainly won't."

I used to be a big (VERY BIG) volunteer. And, the more I did -- the worse I was treated, disrespected, etc. It finally dawned on me that in our totally warped culture, people seem to equate workng without compensation as doing worthless work. The person performing it is "unworthly" (of respect, condsideration, etc.).
I wanted nothing for my work -- not thanks, nor acknowledgement, etc. But I also did not want inconsideration, disrespect, rudeness, etc.

I had to stop "doing" because it was so demoralising (and draining). I still do "what I can, when I can" -- but I make it clear that under no circumstances am I to be given any "credit", etc. It is all "under the radar".

I can't let other people change who I am... but I can do my best to avoid getting sucked into to their drama. Or victimized by their "standards".

I hope you have a lovely Sunday. I might: I think I see the sun!

MM

P.S. The hand holding up my hair is my DD's. We were at a child's birthday party and she was playing with my hair -- the next time I thing I knew everyone was taking pictures of it with their mobiles.

 

[bellefrogette]

Thanks Mel,

you 'get me' .

The clearer I am in my priorities and how I act on them, the sooner that will show up on my body..there is no short cut ( nor do I want any, I just want to do things properly ) I do not blame the women for being as they are..the responsibility will always be mine because I am the only one who really knows what was good for Bella.

They are mistresses in the art of sucking in suckers and will find someone else to do the heavy lifting for them because they are emotionally very persuasive and seductive... so anyone with weak boundaries can be sucked in.

In a perculiar way those that take advantage of others can be great teachers on the value of
boundaries, cos if anyone does not value their energy time and resources..they DO! They'll scoop it off in buckets..they know what to do with it , if the person who owns it does not!

Bella

 

[MinnieMel]

Boy, do you have the right. These master manipulators are Natural Born Survivors (a bit sociopathic, too).

MM

 

[bellefrogette]

MEl..EEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I miss the old hair:cry:

 

[MinnieMel]

Bella --

I paid over 30 pounds for that hairstyle! The theme of the Summer Ball was "Fairy Tales" so I had my hair done all princessy and wore a Gold Ball gown. A few ladies even wore tiaras!

I think I have a even better "hair photo" I can post!

MM

 

[bellefrogette]

Ok well at £30 i guess it was ok, but the other hairstyle had the funky wild thang going on with the hand . Just don't delete the old one forever and ever Ok cos I think it had a lot of va-va Voom. I think if you ever took a poll , that one would win hands down.


Ok I am not even going to post today cos I had a bottle of my favourite champange yesterday- yep a whole bottle all to myself and it cost more than mels hairstyle and tasted like carbonated vineger ....honestly I could not believe it..what has happened to my taste buds..if it had not been bought from an impeccable cource I would say it was fake..all I can say is it was dreadful and I have a hangover..lots of water today!

( I was celebrating the end of endless digital imaging..my most hated art activity,..but really I can be more creative than that next time I want to celebrate..its like..its champange..that is not food right ?!..sometime I have to see the humour in my folly )..how many calories is a bottle of champange ? and I have work to do today ..oh hell, ah well ..mama said there will be days like this .

 

[MinnieMel]

lol --

I hope you recover soon. I have a friend that would know the calories in the bottle of Champagne. As it tasted like vinegar, it was probably about 600. And, think of it as one of those cleansing things!

Time to go weigh with the CDC and get a few packs. I am only picking up some of the oriental chili soup and mix-a-mousse this week. I have a lot of the other stuff -- as I am using my US CD FFL. I like it better -- less chemical tasting.

Later,

Mel