Belle's Journey

[bellefrogette]

Morning Mel,

its a strange thing isn't it, but I really have done better on the USA formula, over and over again..sometimes I mix and macth with others things, have a avk of UK butter scoth which I was trying to get through, waste not want not, and few other 'similar type products' but I'll stick with two helpings of the UAS line and use the uk stuff fofr chefing it.

24 hours later and some of the alcohol is still in my system..hardly did moved a 100 yards yesterday I just felt fuzzy and foggy. Still, I had been saying how much I wanted stillness.


How are you going to use the mix a mouse?

Bella

So bygones are bygones and it more warm water today, as much as i can get down and by tomorrow I ought to be fine..the thought of anything dairy right now makes me want to heave. Oh well, live learn move on...

 

[bellefrogette]

First thoughts upon awakening


To manage my level of tiredness and rest is a priority.

Even wanting the champagne was about wanting in part to send myself into a deep slumber, instead I gave myself massive acidic belly. Nothing critical going on but a huge urge to find deep sleep. Working at the computer, often means I miss subtle clues that its time to take a nap or go into stillness- alpha or even theta for 30 mins or so. I can do much better.

Its 4.15 am at the moment. At one of the branches of FF they have core training at 7 followed by body pump....all with weights .I would certainly like to go and watch abit to get a sense of trainer and music.


Other things arising today-lots , but over all a deep sense of wishing to ‘draw in’ which I tend to do when I am not feeling brilliant.


All the same, I will not withdraw -instead I am going to be out of here in an hour 5.30, 5.45ish and take the bus to FF or the train and then tube , the branch is much further away than my home branch but it is a direct if somewhat long bus route so I can nap some more.

And I am not staying in to mop the hallway. This thing with clean floors is a way not to go out, there is always something that needs cleaning. I see it and I see the desire to stay in as the body simply protesting and saying ‘tired. Tired tired and some time exhausted’. But I do not need to be afraid of listening. When I listen I can find the correct solution and in this I know I will get tons more energetically by simply being up and out before dawn…

I wish there was a 24-hour star bucks or really nice coffee shop in London.

 

[bellefrogette]

Inspirational woman of the day

For being a great teller of story, Toni Morrison

honestly, today I could just curl up and have some one stroke my hair and tell me stories and I would purr.

 

[MinnieMel]

That's a relaxing thought -- I was watching the sun (yes, SUN!) shining through the window and noticed "little dog" laying in the light the way a cat might. I wish the beam was large enough to accomodate me.

DD comes in handy -- if you can convince her to be gentle. She loved to sit and brush my hair. It reminds me of my mother's "good days".

MM

 

[bellefrogette]

Truth be told, I just don't give a fig about writting this morning.. I feel moody..in an interesting way..just moody.... nothing major, just as if, if pushed I could go back to sleep. its 4.57 am , i did not wake up refreshed at all..woke up still abit tired? Ah well, I shall continue, one thing at a time, its nothing major,,,i so wish there was somewhere in london I knew to get fresh wheatgrass.


Inspirational woman of the day....


in the absence of a good idea and because I am feeling contrary I nominate...

BelleFrogette....

Even though she is not feeling that sparkly at the mo.

 

[bellefrogette]

Oh thank you..there is no such thing as a wrong part of london....thank thank you, I was getting dsperate cos its the only thing that I have had and my energy stabalizes..so I will check it out and let you know..I think my energy levels and mood swings are so related. But I am not depressed.but exhausted and each time I look within for an answer it comes up

get some freakin fresh wheatgrass from somewhere!

I have checked it out butthere does not seem to be an actual cafe/shop where I can go in the morning and buy two shots of wheat grass? I have a wheatgrass juicer but to be honest even getting the trays of the stuff is a performance..I'll give them a ring though later today.

 

[MinnieMel]

Inspirational woman of the day....


in the absence of a good idea and because I am feeling contrary I nominate...

BelleFrogette....

Even though she is not feeling that sparkly at the mo.

Love IT! I hope you sparkle back up!

MM

 

[bellefrogette]

Woke feeling listless, however I have found a place to buy both the wheat grass shots and possibly trays and its not that far from me. Not walking distance, though it might be on a good day.


Apart from a shot of wheat grass the next best thing is simply getting to bed on time..which means what?

Latest by 7/8pm unless I am out with hgood reason?

I do not need to be sleeping I have books I want to read, I can even watch a movie on my netbook with a cup of hot CD, but I need to be in Goodnight world mode and that means turning off the lights in the front room and going within.

I do prefer to start my day earlier than most ..if I wake at anytime after 6 am I really my day is half over, which technically it is .

I feel a bit rambly and unfocused.

so I need a whooper of an insiprational woman of the day , an oldie and goodie from the archives

Serena' not a shrinking passive wallflower' Williams .

.

 

[bellefrogette]

Love IT! I hope you sparkle back up!

MM

Hi Mel,

I don't think hope alone will do it, but wheatgrass and getting to bed early enough to have a full cycle of rejuvination will.

Bella

 

[bellefrogette]

Questions for week 25

From- Women food and God



Chapter3-Never underestimate the inclination to bolt

9. On page 47, Geneen writes that "to stay, you have to believe there is something worth staying for—and then you have to bring yourself back, again and again. The initial glimpse of wonder…becomes a commitment to bringing yourself back each time you bolt." What do you believe is worth staying for? Can you make a commitment to bring yourself back over and over? Are you willing to start now?

As a lead in to answering this question I am struck by the differences in the psychological states of the contestants on biggest loser..in part the game is won or lost their minds..and while I am not going to start browsing Sun Tzu's Art of war right now..those that were suceesful had strategy and mind set and could take advantage of the trainers .


Those who for what ever reason were totally swamped by their emotions , even at the finale had not lost that much weight relative to what 'technically' was possible .

A few episodes has me tearing up, but not over the weight losses , and not over the sad stories, not over the struggles or the pain, not over the angst and frustration, but when I saw the lights go on in people eyes..it was like watching a home coming, when the person stopped being victim of either their past or their present circumstances.

Sometimes that light dimmed over the weeks , but with others it grew brighter and brighter, those were the winners..I am not sure how I see the others..I am more concerned with the winners.

Another thing ,I was listening to a few chapters of Donald Trumps think like a champion while I was stuck on the circle line and I warm to his style ...something about it reminds me of Gillian the way her methodolgy acknowlegdes but then cuts through the emotional and physical blubber to get to the the real issues which can be resolved by the authentic self -who is not a victim of anything and does not need the 20/30/50/100/200 extra pounds that some of the contestents are carrying.


I am training myself not to seek emotional strokes along the way for now and even to reject them if I feel I am softening prematurely, there is a time for them but for now, they feel like those empty calories in sugar and processed food- sweet on the outside but deadly

I am my own Gillian, but better than even that, I am my own Me. Thats the truth of it, though I can play chicken as long as I like with myself and my life..its not a crime , the chicken coop even has some creature comforts..but I have not forgotten an initial glimpse of wonder as Geneen roth calls it of how things could be, should be, can be ..will be?


Anyhow off to get wheat grass and go to Atlantis maybe and ponder the wonder of it all.

 

[bellefrogette]

You're welcome hunny! It's great when you're able to pinpoint what gets you low and how to sort it, for me it's fat intake, if it drops too low then I'm a moody so and so

I hope they have what you need xx

I rang around , even got the farm but it sounded such a trek , I would have done it but I know me, grinding the stuff and my good intentions are not a natural match, called a shop not far from me, he could get trays but he suggested planet organic for shots ..so that is where I am off to..if their supply of wheat grass is iffy then, I might still make it down to the farm to get trays and have a word with myself regarding discpline or have them deliver. Thanks again,

Bella

 

[MinnieMel]

Morning Bel -- I hope you find a good source for your Wheat Grass.

MM

 

[bellefrogette]

Planet organic 5star treatment....


not only did i get my two shots of wheatgrass

I had a consultation with a woman in store who pointed out a few things I had forgotten

first 5-10 days of any program/detox exhaustion is common..common,

..well excuse me but I forgot ! likewise she said, however much water I think I am drinking its possibly its not enough and that I should find a way to sweat ..help the body release stuff through the pores...

( the only thing she did not say is get more sleep)

but I had forgotten that exhaustion is part of the process for me as I detox and transition and the sauna first thing is not an indulgence its a necessity as is swimming and the wet room..

its in the water cupcake.

and then I get home and planet organic have just called to say my tray of wheatgrass will be ready for me, put aside in the fridge in the store room and i can come in on saturday and pick it up

( and the sauna is back on the timetable)

Bella is .... all sparkly again.

 

[MinnieMel]

Yeah... Sparkle and Shine! MM

 

[bellefrogette]

Chapter3-Never underestimate the inclination to bolt

9. On page 47, Geneen writes that "to stay, you have to believe there is something worth staying for—and then you have to bring yourself back, again and again. The initial glimpse of wonder…becomes a commitment to bringing yourself back each time you bolt." What do you believe is worth staying for? Can you make a commitment to bring yourself back over and over? Are you willing to start now.


Yesterday, I went to planet Organic and Cass Arts is just around the corner, so I did not go to Atlantis..just as well because Cass Arts has a big sale and I spent alot sort of ..well lets just say I actually had to ring 'himself' up and get him out of bed cos ..well Bella likes to shop , it's cant be helped and I am on a budget..buy hey its almost valentines and if I could afford it, I'd spend loads on me too .

But I am not a spend thrift or a complusive shopper, I have no credit card debt or debt period, except the student loan and that doesn't count till I am earning mega bucks..

I bought 30 canvas boards ( for staters) and a river of paint. new supplies cos I already have loads and all because of what Roth calls

The initial glimpse of wonder… ( of what life could be like, will be like..if I act accordingly)


I am going to paint my way home.. I have all the other basics in place, including a supply of wheat grass, but deep down the issue is something more primordal, more archaic, more intimate and personal , more silent

I know the way home and I can get there by starlight and by painting and by hot sweetened bitter green tea, painting at night, which I love, all quiet, and dark outside .

When Geneen spoke of bringing myself back over and over again, sure, but how do I do that ? How do I do that really? Well I know that by picking up my paint brush I do that over and over again. I renew that commitment. Painting becomes affirmation, ritual , commitment, celebration and exploration..I do not have to talk about them or explain them. Nor are they therapy. I have always rejected therapy, I have felt it would weaken me, that by entering into the thapeautic space with another I would be missing the point that my answers are with in me , I can find them...if I get still and quiet enough.I am glad I respected that strong impluse to stay away from therapy, I am still not sure why...

But I do know, Bella is going home..I have been away too long.

 

[bellefrogette]

Inspirational woman of the day

Michelle

 

[MinnieMel]

I, too, have avoided therapy. I have always thought that only I can understand myself and if I can't help me... then how one earth could a stranger.

Excellent choice for woman of the day... she is amazing. I sure in years to come -- she will be revered in the way that former first ladies like Abigal Adams, Eleanor Roosevelt and (but not on the same level as the previous two) Jacqueline Kennedy are.

MM

 

[bellefrogette]

I am lazy, today. I confess. I have spent all day in bed, though I was up early and I did get my 'Oscar' out and did the thing with the wheat grass. I had forgotten how quiet it is, no more fear of waking the neighbours up with my other jucier which is like an angry noisey terminator machine.

Nope the Oscar just goes slow baby, one can almost hear the mellow jazz in the background.

and I have been listening to Inspirational woman of the day Nneka.

 

[bellefrogette]

Mel,

I think you word avoided is probably more accurate for what I have been doing..I just felt if I went into therapy I would really be lost and I would have resented the therapist for being 'there for me' in a way i had not learnt to be there for myself..besides I had the hang over of no wanting to pay for 'it' , for ' positive unconditional regard'. .its shildish but Its like -don't behave like you are my best friend when I am paying you to listen to me ..which is childish but I am as I am in this regard.I would rather pay a coach or trainner.


By the way I did look at build your own theology. There was a unitatrian group, not in london, which was doing a create your own devotional and prayers group last week..it was in the middle of nowhere so I could not go, but I liked the sound of it.

Funny enough, though I cannot do the O/A stuff either, there is some really good stuff in the Big book on getting in touch with that which knows what ails ones ..

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi Bel -- I love the new profile pic. So graceful. Your juice looks a little intimindating to me. lol

I got up, did the RC Zumba, came home, did some housework, made dinner, had a friend join us for dinner: I made served my DH, DS, and BFF all a South Beach meal.

Then we watched "Convicted" starring Hillary S**** as a high school drop out who went back to school to eventually become a lawyer and work to get her brother's murder conviction overturned. It is based on a true story. It was compelling.

I hope you have a good Sunday.

My DH and I will weigh in tomorrow -- and I am sure he has lost his usual 3 pounds, and I am hoping to have lost 2 (although, I am not feeling it atm).

MM