Belle's Journey

[bellefrogette]

Hi there Mel,
its a crop of a photo by Carrie mae weems from her louisiana project series.

Oscar is a bit of a daddy mac truck of a juicer.I have some blood tests today so I could not eat anything from 6 pm yesterday--this is just me being extra careful..just wanting to make sure that the tiredness is not more than psycosomatic or nutritional difficiencies..

Yesterday I watch Tron and then Tron legacy .Both had their moments but overall they were intellectually lite wth lots of whizz-bang and flashing lights. I should have watched paint dry..

Anyway, i really do not like hospitals and needles even less. It must be great to have your DH doing his own health program along side you. Himself is in seattle and last time I saw him on video link ..i.e ..yesterday ..he looked as well fed as ever! So much for his fitnes program.

Bella

 

[bellefrogette]

Review week 24

Week 24 Bella's vibrancy and vitality programe


-Beautify the bedroom and make its somewhere i want to retire too.--Did this sort of

-get from /11 to / ish-- up and down , so no.


-loads more water--Not really..hey no waffle so NO

-begin using Valdimer, even if its only 5 mins a day initially--NO


-epping forest or some great part and doing some Reiki with a tree, now that would take some planning, I haven't been to epping forest since junior school--funny enough this almost happened but not by design, the central line broke down for a while at a connecting station for the line to epping forest..but NO.

-get my digital images in --1/5 to go


-long walks with Wolfgang aka wolfy--No, more of a stroll-a-ton

simplify simplify simplify, and listen to some Nina while I do the housework..and light candles... I simplified and lit the candles

I was angry alot last week, emotionally constipated but I stayed with it...I felt there was a pushing of things out of my life. In certain places i wondered why I had never signed up for therapy..it was always a stubborn insistence that I could , should and would find the way to understand myself.


I was angry at the 3 vampires who wanted me to lead the organisation of this art project, but the anger went deeper than that incident..it was really about the way some women lean on others under the guise of friendship and then cover their tracks with emotion and gratitude when in truth they are simply not carrying their own weight .

And I was angry at..who knows what.


But i also attended more fully to matters Art. I began an evening class at a Gallery and what a difference in the intellectual altitude of the class was palpable. I left energized, not drained.


My kitchen is also very well set up for painting and I have wheatgrass and paint pots and brushes and dolls ...I have 30 canvas boards under the table and the kitchen is warm , cosy, nourishing.


But it was not a smooth week, i was not smooth, i was not graceful...I felt heavy mentally and emotionally..but I stayed with it and I am most pleased with

getting the wheat grass
getting all the painting stuff in

 

[bellefrogette]

Week 23 Bella's vibrancy and vitality programe.

1-I intend to get a selection of small pots of
house hold paints or excavate the ones I have from the packing cases—That ‘s a work out in itself

2-A selection of gels and mediums- Done

3-A lightweight freestanding foldable easel (which will make my 4th)-Done

4-Base coats on 10 paintings (I want to aim for working on 10 a week)
5- Get down to…/.. Or lower

6-Sort out /declutter my library- get all my books off the floor. Good exercise

7-Get the last digital images in

8-Weight watchers---Maybe-Nope


9-Fitness first classes, as many as possible -just to sample

10-Walking to and fro as much as I can

11-Beauty salon appointment chase up

12-New trainers

13-Excavate my free weights from the packing cases.

(Just had a call from 'himself' cos he knows I am going in for blood tests and he knows how much I dislike hospitals.so I feel much better now and he wished me happy valentines )



12-Do my vision board and mind maps…for all areas of my life.

13-Think on what is going to be my core practise philosophically, for sure I am never going back to conventional religion and even conventional spirituality and meditation practise leaves me cold. It all carries its own dogma.


14-I want a quiet week and answering some more Roth questions.


On the artist’s way, well the on going group is so tepid and passive that I have put feelers out to start my own. This one that I am in charge of will cut out the dead weight because everyone will have to contribute and share, Having an art buddy is a great asset but she/he has to be action oriented and not suing the group as an excuse for therapy on how blocked they are.

Which reminds me of this brilliant add on American TV for Gieko car insurance which has an ex Marine sergeant major as a therapist. Its brutal and incredibly funny to watch.

 

[bellefrogette]

Inspirational woman of the day


Gayle

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi Bel,

Another great WotD -- she is epitomises selfless female friendship.

You kitchen sounds so lovely and inviting.

I love the way you simplified your plan by lighting candles, but not doing the housework. lol

I am psyched about the warm bright sun today... I swear I'm solar powered. I'll be I got fat because I am supposed to be photosyntheizing my nourishment. Hummm.

I have a half day spa day booked tomorrow -- and it includes a power plate session. Been hearing good things... I'll let you know what I think.

I hope everything goes well with the hospital today. Please remember if the person doing your labs isn't doing a good job, you have the right to ask for someone else to do it.

When I was in labour with my 9lb 4oz son... someone decided it was a good opportunity to have the trainee nurse start my IV (as I was dehydrating). After three failed sticks... I turned my head and barked at the doctor, "She is not getting another shot at this... three strikes and you're out." Then, I pointed at the oldest looking nurse in the room, and I said, "She is going to put the IV in -- and now she'll have to place it in the other arm." She got it without difficulty or pain on the first attempt! My other arm was bruised for a couple of weeks!

Now, if is not a good time for me or my family... if the medical person looks new, nervous, or inexperienced -- I ask and will refuse to allow them to practice on us. (If it is not a "bad time" -- such as hard core painful labour -- then I am willing to help people learn.)

MM

 

[bellefrogette]

The thing is ..well I am not sure what the 'thing is'. The hosptal, well that was a joke, I got there early and everything and one of the machines broke down..so I spent 50 mins in this room waiting and then was told no can do, we'll call you tomorrow when the electrician comes in and fixes it? Electrician? Its not a light switch .

I had some strawberry wine, ok so it was valentines and this wine was the worst wine in the universe..it was nasty syrupy stuff .


I'll come back to this blog later...

Inspirational woman of the day ...erm..I have to think about this..( not any one too active cos I am feeling like a slug)


Ok cos Bella is moody (- again).how abouts a Diva of Moods. Actually all my moodiness could be because i am complicated -himself says my moods are adorable - not that I believe him..my moods are like my weather....Its that strawberry wine that did it..actually it could just be that I am a bit hung over.

Anyway.. Ms Diva of Moods

Ms Streep in Sophies Choice

 

[bellefrogette]

Mel,

the thing is some folk in the blood business look at my skin and I can see it in their eyes.. FEAR 'its gonna be hard to find a vein'..how freaking hard can it be..and they ask . ( timid mouse apologetic pc voice ).erm is it hard finding a vein..do you have problems..?. Do I have problems , Well excuse me missy I do not have a problem looking for my veins. I leave them well alone and do not jab neeedles in them ..but I say nothing and smile sweetly.


Bella..

Minimins needs a moody cow emocion!

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi Bella,

Strawberry wine... that brings back memories of filling a watermelon with Boones' Farm Strawberry wine (you cut a plug hole, pour the wine in, replug, roll it around, break it open and eat the wine soaked fruit). And then being sick (literally) later. Not my favourite tipple, but very Valentine's Day-esque.

I LOVE "Sophie's Choice" and Meryl is the most amazing actress. She learned to speak French with a Polish accent so that she could dub that film herself. (She was already fluent in French.) Talk about commitment.

I hope your day goes well -- the NHS fiasco is par for the course. Sorry about that.

MM

A moody cow is a good idea... I wonder who we need to ask?

 

[bellefrogette]

I have found the answer


Why do I get so moody..its


SUGAR

in
carbs
Wine
some fruit

anything with sugar in any form

and I wake the next morning arrrrrrrgggghhh

Sugar sweetness Might as well be a neuro toxin.


-on a lighter note is also why I have found it so hard to get into ketosis..the sugar withdrawal is chronic..but at least I now know its nothing in the blood, not chronic fatigue , its the highs and lows of sugar withdrawal and injection. Funnily enough growing up I never had a sweet tooth.

 

[bellefrogette]

Inspirational woman of the day

Denise

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi Bel,

I am super carb sensitive and have a huge sweet tooth. I am trying to use "sweet" spices like ginger and cinnamon as a substitute.

MM

 

[bellefrogette]

Chapter3-Never underestimate the inclination to bolt

9. On page 47, Geneen writes that "to stay, you have to believe there is something worth staying for—and then you have to bring yourself back, again and again. The initial glimpse of wonder…becomes a commitment to bringing yourself back each time you bolt." What do you believe is worth staying for? Can you make a commitment to bring yourself back over and over? Are you willing to start now?


yes, over and over again and then again..even as I write ths I am coming down from a sugar high...the strawberry wine started it and the horlicks ended it..but never mind and carrying on.


I am worth staying for, not in some touchy feely fashion- where I get 'feel better about myself '. Rather I am worth staying for and continuing to strive for in a gritty no nonsense fashion, one where I am Author of my own story and Mistress of my own destiny. The wonder is in the everyday simple and in the ordinariness, the fact that I never give up and the fact that I am aware that I can do it, even if in part, looking atthings objectiely I have not ..but I have and continue to do so in so many ways..and without the support systems many have and take for granted.

How do I know I am worth it. Well I see what I do, but I can also see that I have a 'bigger choice' coming up..will I make it, will I not? Its to do with how I relate to some women around. I said no to one yesterday and she worte me a long email, all emotion and projection about how I had too many bondaries. It was tiresome to read and I sent her back a one liner telling her she had not respect a clear no that I had made and that was that. I know she felt hurt and rejected, but truth be told I was fed up..with her and her type. Vampires. It seems that as soon as I get some strenght , some va-va-voom , out these women crawl seeking, seking ,always emotionally seeking. Tiresome creatures , very needy..


But


this isn't about them... the choice is should I retreat into a shell, a hard walled shell untill I complete this process? Within the shell can be jy and painting and light and laughter but can I make the choice that no matter what untill I go to seattle on hols I am going into my shell to nurse, nourish and grow my wonder ? Because again, truth be told I have alot of anger around emotionally needy women. I had had a history of them being attracted to me and being drained by them or them acting out when I won't allow it, when I say know, as happened on monday.

another truth is that I do not know how to handle emotionally needy woman and i do not want to learn..but in my affairs I seem to be surrounded by them.


There is something about their vibe and how I react to it that is very disruptive to me and to my program.... so it might be that the Golden Shell is just what is required for a while.

 

[bellefrogette]

WFG-Chapter 4

Chapter 4: It’s Not About the Weight, but It’s Not Not About the Weight


1. Chapter 4 begins with author Geneen Roth writing about the letter she received with a ribbon that said, "I lost 10 pounds…and I still feel like crap."

Have you ever believed that losing weight would fix everything, only to discover that it didn't? And how did that affect or change your behavior? Is it possible that you forgot what you learned and, again, began believing that losing weight would fix everything (or most things)? Recall the specific things, situations and feelings you wanted losing weight to fix that it didn't fix.



2. On page 50, Geneen writes that "In [the movie] Groundhog Day, when he realized he wasn't going to gain weight by eating a thousand cherry pies, Bill Murray ate like there was no tomorrow. But the charge dissipated as soon as he realized he could have as much food as he wanted without the usual consequences." When you eat compulsively, it may feel like there is no tomorrow, but after you've finished, the thing that drove you to eat still remains—today as well as tomorrow. What are the situations you use food to avoid?



3. On page 51, Geneen writes that "Either you want to wake up or you want to go to sleep. You either want to live or you want do die. It's not about the weight." How do you feel about this? What does this mean in your own life?



4. The fact that 75 percent of Americans are overweight is an often-discussed topic in the media. How has your physical size actually affected your life?



5. On page 52, Geneen reveals that "food is only the middleman, the means to the end. Of altering your emotions. Of making yourself numb." This applies to whatever situation or problem is causing you discomfort. She writes, "It could be alcohol, it could be work, it could be sex, it could be cocaine. Surfing the Internet." Can you see your own pull toward being unconscious? What has this cost you? Are you able to acknowledge the similarities of these behaviors?



6. Many people think they overeat because they just love the taste of food. "But when you like something, you pay attention to it. When you like something—love something—you take time with it." You want to be present for every moment of it. Weight, Geneen writes, is what happens when you use food to "flatten your life."

How are you flattening your own life? Have you given up on yourself but aren't willing to say so? Do you believe that it's just not possible to live any other way?



7. On pages 53–54, a reader writes to Geneen about her struggle to be Someone Special when she feels like No One in Particular. Were you able to empathize with her? How do you face what you don't want to face without eating?



8. On page 57, Geneen writes that "there is a whole universe to discover between 'I'm feeling empty' and turning to food to make it go away. The problem of weight is predictable. We know what to do when we have that problem. Beat ourselves up. Make ourselves wrong. Eat fewer donuts. But staying with the emptiness—entering it, welcoming it, using it to get to know ourselves better, being able to distinguish the stories we tell ourselves about it from the actual feeling itself—that's radical."

When you think about "emptiness," does it make you want to eat? Is it actually the emptiness itself or is it what you are telling yourself about the emptiness that makes you want to run for food?



9. Just for this moment, just for this hour, imagine not being frightened by any emotion. Imagine you are bigger than any situation, any feeling, any state of being you could ever experience. How does it feel?



10. What do you actually want from being thin or losing weight? And what if it was already here?



11. On page 62, Geneen writes that "Whatever it offers, the reality of your day-to-day life has to be better than the self-inflicted misery you are creating through the stories you are telling yourself. … What if what you needed was right in front of you and you were not recognizing it?"

Look around you right now. Right here. Notice the sounds, the colors. Pay attention to your breath, your arms, your legs. Make a mental list of what you already have. Of the abundance that fills your life. Notice how that changes everything.

 

[bellefrogette]

/ 2

Letter from a future self ' how I did it ' ?.I listened to somewhat talk about this ..well she did not quite do the 'how I did it' bit but it was a letter from a future self talking about how life was living large, living the vision..

so there is my slinky self 138 waiting for her plane to seattle and telling this me now me of the strawberry wine fog how she did it, what would she say..what would she tell this me now? Conventional wisdom can go to hell, I just want to know?


Inspirational woman of the day ( given that I have just up loaded her CD- Getting unstuck to my ipod)



Pema

 

[bellefrogette]

Plan of action for the day

Knowing full well I may do some, all or none, I want to begin doing this anyway.

workshops I am booked on today -all morning

-How to manage complex change projects
-create the life you desire while working in the city

in the evening since I am booked on both so its either

introduction to energetic NLP with Art Giser ( very worthy)

or

Big Ideas with John Stezaker at the whitechapel gallery( This one I would enjoy)

Sauna or swiming or both ...

mellow walking in no particular fashion and finish listening to -the girl who played with fire.

also look up on line the quickest way to get alcohol and sugar out of the system..I have no idea how much sugar there is in two cups of horlicks but I do know I could barely sleep my heart was thumping ..needless to say the rest of the horlicks has been thrown out.

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi Belle,

It sounds like you have a busy day and evening planned. Mine will be the usual -- house stuff, groceries, gymnstics run, dinner, birthday party prep... and so forth. I always refer to days like as "being on the hamster wheel"... you run and run, but get no where fast. LOL

I wish it was a bit sunnier -- that always lifts my spirits. I think I'll go sit my the light box in a few minutes.

MM

P.S. Lots of water, sauna then steam -- good for detox.

 

[bellefrogette]

Plan of action for the day

Knowing full well I may do some, all or none, I want to begin doing this anyway.

workshops I am booked on today -all morning

-How to manage complex change projects-Done
-create the life you desire while working in the city- Done

in the evening since I am booked on both so its either

introduction to energetic NLP with Art Giser ( very worthy)-No- tired

or

Big Ideas with John Stezaker at the whitechapel gallery( This one I would enjoy)sort-of I went but found I was not bookedon the right talk

Sauna or swiming or both ...Neither

mellow walking in no particular fashion and finish listening to -the girl who played with fire. Nope- Listened to photo-readng and native American music

also look up on line the quickest way to get alcohol and sugar out of the system..I have no idea how much sugar there is in two cups of horlicks but I do know I could barely sleep my heart was thumping ..needless to say the rest of the horlicks has been thrown out. Yes- Enemas and lots of water helped

That was yesterday.

 

[bellefrogette]

/1

Woke with a localised headache- I quickly drank a bottle of warm water.

Wrote my dream memories and thoughts upon waking.

Woke at the right time, primarily because when i found I was booked on the wrong talk I simply came home , that means I got to bed on time .



Things to do today

-A.M workshop-Champions Live thier vision
-walk to gym
-Sauna
-wheatgrass
-Answering WFG workbook questions
-book first groupon demabraison session( though I am not sure about demabrasion..it seems harsh )( I might ask for my money back)
-2 hours of personal envisaging/would be great if I could do this by the pool
- waitrose.
-laundry
-get home early enough to go to bed early

 

[bellefrogette]

Chapter 4: It’s Not About the Weight, but It’s Not Not About the Weight


1. Chapter 4 begins with author Geneen Roth writing about the letter she received with a ribbon that said, "I lost 10 pounds…and I still feel like crap."

Have you ever believed that losing weight would fix everything, only to discover that it didn't? And how did that affect or change your behavior? Is it possible that you forgot what you learned and, again, began believing that losing weight would fix everything (or most things)? Recall the specific things, situations and feelings you wanted losing weight to fix that it didn't fix.

I do believe that losing weight is symbolic for me and shows that that I have fixed or resolved the issues within me that I expressed by over eating.

In the past I was still striving for that resolution but in the meantime I wanted to lose the weight because being overweight was creating a whole different set of problems. But I do not think I was ever so superficial that I though t the weight itself was the problem to be fixed or that by becoming slim I would be fixed. I did feel that at least whatever else was wrong, that I had to deal with, I would at least not have to deal with the issues, which arise from simply showing up overweight in the world.

In truth losing weight fixes some superficial things. Many people are incredibly rude and dismissive of a person who is overweight, they expresses is contempt ridicule and dismissal ( freely) …or assume that the overweight person is mentally defective. In that respect those petty meanness’s are removed; likewise to be overweight is to be visible.

Losing weight does enable me to be less conspicuous when I need to be. I do need my privacy. The biggest thing losing weight fixes is the outrageous amount of time and energy that is devoted to the process of weight loss and worrying about losing weight. And having that headspace back is valuable.


Losing weight, even as a superficial bandage fixes some very important things but it does not resolve the core aspects of me that need resolving, it does not touch the key issues, because its not about the weight and I am not stupid enough to ever believe that it is. But the resolution also expresses as weight loss and in that respect it is also about the weight

 

[bellefrogette]

Inspirational Woman of the day.

All hail to the Borg Queen the unapologetic B of the universe... Inspirational cos I can be such a pussycat sometimes