Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary

Hello gorgeous, just managed to catch up with your last few posts.

There is a song that so reminds me of your situation with Browneyes:

Porcelain Lyrics
Julia Fordham

I am very very much in like with you
I hope that it's enough 'cause it's all I can do
'Cause you treat my skin like porcelain,
Rare and special porcelain
Even though you know I know you know
That this is not the real thing...

Oh, isn't it enough what I'm giving to you, baby?
Oh, isn't it enough that your kisses drive me crazy?
Oh, isn't it enough, isn't it enough?

I read a book like you, it says for what it's worth
People only really get what they deserve
And I hear a voice cry out within
Relax, enjoy the porcelain
Treatment feels like liquid gold
A treasured hand for me to hold

Oh, isn't it enough what I'm giving to you, baby?
Oh, isn't it enough that your kisses drive me crazy?
Oh, isn't it enough, isn't it enough?

Porcelain, porcelain
You treat my skin like porcelain...

In the big, big scheme of things
Beyond the rare and special porcelain
Beyond the joy, joy and the dis-at-ease
Well there's a place for me...

Porcelain, porcelain....

Sometimes I think I should say I love you too
If words are free, why can't I spare the best for you?
'Cause you treat my skin like porcelain
Rare and special porcelain
Even though you know I know you know
I'm cracked from all of this living

Oh, isn't it enough what I'm giving to you, baby?
Oh, isn't it enough that your kisses drive me crazy?
Oh, isn't it enough that I'm checking for you, baby?
Oh, isn't it enough that your kisses drive me crazy?
Oh, isn't it enough, isn't it enough?

Isn't it enough?
Isn't it enough?

This song means a lot to me because it was out when I was in Uni and in a very similar situation. I didn't feel the same about the guy but he was lovely. However I was honest with him so we didn't have a relationship which was a good thing because it left me open to meet David (who I was with for 14 years). Although David and I split up I would never have changed our relationship together.

Just wanted to say that I was thinking about you. Well done on getting into the 11s. Wish I could write more but gotta get back to work.

Love ya loads xxx
 
Right, well... fell well and truly off the SS wagon this afternoon,.... offered to give the frozen fairy cakes to Zoes fella and promptly scoffed half a dozen of the damn things! Felt sick to be honest, didn't enjoy even one of them! WTF was that all about!??? Bah!

Right.. back to it now... cakes all gone and not making any more for the foreseeable.. and if I do then I'm NOT going to freeze any of them again! I was fine until I got the box out and opened it to show him what there was!!! Flippin madness! I wasn't even hungry! Very angry at myself, but can't do anything about it now so... not going to feel bad about it any more.

In a lazy mood this afternoon and not sure about this evening although was looking forward to it before... hmmm... going in 2 hours time. Still tired and wishing I could just sleep. lol Right, think the best thing is to get out in the fresh air and take the dog for a stomp around the lakes!

S was supposed to call me today and tell me when we are going to meet up before he heads off on hols Friday with his sons... not a peep from him yet and I have to say, I'm getting pretty peed off about it. FFS it only takes 10 seconds to send a text! MEN!!!!! No lectures please about... 'you're better off without him in your life'...etc etc... I don't want to hear them (even if they are the truth!!). ok? ;) I know what I have to do.. I just don't WANT to! lol Perhaps after my girly weekend and a week of him being away and most likely not in touch the entire time.. that might do the trick... maybe... lol

Estate agents turned up to value the house this afternoon and I was very surprised. Not sure what to do for the best,.. part of me thinks a BIG change is in order and another thinks no... stay put if you can.. I do love it here and really don't want to leave. PLUS. This is still Zoe's home too.. oh well... plenty to think about..(like I don't have enough! lol)

Cheesed off about the cakes though... bah! lol I'm off to have a pint of water and a muffin! (CD muffin that is!) :D

Still feeling happy with life in general though and the sun is sort of shining (between the clouds) lol

Happy Days! :) :)
 
Ok Jen, Small (mini) lecture

9.7lbs to go, look at your measurements, and look at what you have already done.

Dont do it again hun, but also look at why you did it, because you will have to address this type of stuff at goal, otherwise youll be like me and back on 790.

You have so little time left on SS and AAM etc, dont let it turn in to any longer, I need you to join me on the maintenance mission!!!

Love x
 
Hello lovely lady!

As always I'm totally awe-struck by your incredible journey and so full of admiration for how you've stuck to your diet through thick and thin (as it were!).

You look amazing - and as for your 'battle scars' (that's what I call my flabby upper arms and thighs too by the way *lol*), don't give them a second thought! I've been really conscious of mine too, especially since the weather has warmed up recently .. but it struck me recently that I'm probably the only one who is as other people are usually far too wrapped up in their own perceived inadequacies to really be that bothered about someone else's.

Besides (and trust me on this) - anyone looking at you now will absolutely NOT be focussing on your upper arms anyway! ;)

See you in Brum, honey!
 
hey role model - get to join vicky on maintenance - she needs company LOL.

slips and blips after xerty hundred days is not to be unexpected - but its the underlying way thats improtant and you with your AAM and control in the restaurants gives a hint to what you will be like.

Reckon I can lecture on subject of blokes as I used to be one.

Listen. No-one sees the girl you were - only you do. Strut your stuff lady, the pictures show that you can pick and choose because people will be falling over themselves to get to you. You may not think it beecause of the past, but beleive me its true.

your head will catch up with your body so to speak and then you will realise that you are crumpet (teehee, love that word) and a catch. if people pee you around - sayanora (i think that spelling isn't right but you know what I mean).

no need to linger, it will only hold you back. Your problem will be filtering guys not finding them

right discrete cough as gone too far - hope you know what I mean
 
Tuesday August 7th - the date

Well, I'm home, it's almost midnight and I am under no illusions as to what must be done...

Things didn't get off to a great start this evening... I drove Zoe back to work and nipped to the loo, when I returned to the car Browneyes was sitting in his car in the car park. He didn't get out to greet me, just sort of unlocked and pushed the door open...

I was already in a shocking mood as some kids had irritated me on my way out from home and Zoe was running late and I was tired and a real grouch. So, poor old Browneyes was on to a losing streak before the off!!

I got in and said hello... asked how he was.. to which he told me he was feeling better... turns out that he had some kind of tummy bug and didn't work today!! I unbuckled my seatbelt and told him we could do it another time and I really did not want a tummy bug thank you! He reassured me that he was fine now and it was a reaction to a bad Tesco minced beef pie which he is convinced was allowed to defrost and then be refrozen before hitting the freezer section in the store... I actually think he just had a tummy bug and would have said anything! Not the best start. Also, his arm was in a tubigrip thing.. all I could think was 'what's wrong with him now?' (he does, sadly, have quite an encyclopaedia of ailments), so I asked him and he told me he had dislocated his elbow... apparantly this happened on Friday (funny, as it wasn't strapped Sunday when I spent all afternoon with him).. and when I pointed that out, he said it was covered (but I remember what he was wearing and it was a short-sleeved shirt.. lol ) hmmm... we chatted and I was still feeling tetchy and a real grouchbag... we talked about pc's... and software... and no matter what I had to say, he had done it, done it bigger, done it better, done it cheaper, and read the book, designed the T-shirt AND eaten the pies! lol It was the same when we talked about travel, about family, about work... lol... just about everything! So I shut up and just let him talk... lol Not sure he noticed to be honest... lmao

We got to the bowling place and I was well impressed! It was a huge place - in Hemel Hempstead. It's a massive leisure centre, cinema, skating rink, bowling, games etc etc etc... I think it's called the Jardine centre.

As soon as we stepped out of the car I handed him the money I owed for my gift and book from Sunday. He thanked me and said it would pay for the bowling :) lol

The smell of popcorn hit me as soon as we got there and I commented on it... to which he commented that he wouldn't let me have any.. lol... I set him straight that I wouldn't have any because I chose not to and I'm perfectly in control thank you so much! (See - tetchy!!!!) He missed the intonation though and we carried on to the bowling area...

I asked how many games do people normally play and he said 2... now, forgive me, but, even though it has been about 15 years since I bowled, I'm pretty sure that for an evening's bowling it is usually more than just the 2 games..?? BUT, I bowed to his superior knowledge and he paid for 2 games... (not with the cash I'd given him but with one of his numerous cards)... I'd have done the same as I prefer to have cash in my purse! lol

I have to say,. I think it was a case of a mixed blessing deciding to go bowling... I learned a LOT about him. I learned that not only is he an expert on health matters, pc matters, food matters (more on that in a moment) and driving... he is also a top expert on bowling!

I was as crap as I have always been at bowling and have never really minded being crap before... what I hadn't banked on was being instructed with every single bowl!!! Arm movements, feet movements, can I curtsey, can I do this, can I do that... at one point I actually told him to shut up and I'd like a diet coke please and thank you so much!

There were a group of young lads in the next lane and they heard all of this going on... and when Browneyes went to the loo one of them came up to me, winked, grinned and said... 'it's all about technique eh? ' and the lot of them laughed. I told them it was our 3rd date and was fast becoming the last and if he carried on tutoring me they might need to get surgical help to remove a bowling ball from a particular part of his anatomy!!

He came back and carried on instructing... funny thing was though... he started to do it to them too!!!!!!

One of them seemed to always be bowling when I was and he sniggered and muttered to me... 'inthe wrist action dear' and we both laughed... from then on the evening improved somewhat... lol

I got several 'strikes' and was elated with each one, although Browneyes took all the credit for each one saying 'I knew if you listened to me you would get it soon enough'. What can you say to that???? Well, apparantly, if you're me, nothing!! I was a total soppy muppet and said nowt, oh, apart from...'if you tell me how to do this just one more time you are going to regret it!' followed by the throat-slitting finger action!!! That did nicely for about 3 more bowls... then it was forgotten and I had a lesson on straight arm technique and spinning... I told him he would be spinning if he didn't stop.. and to just let me play!

He made some lewd comments about my bottom and there was a lot more sexual inuendo... not all that pleasant and certainly not amusing. (Tetchy, grouchy and prudish!!! THat was me!!)
 
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All of this led to more giggling by the lads, who by now were on their 5th or 6th pints... and, it must be said.... playing damned well! lol

We played a couple more games and then I decided it was time to go (9.30pm) as I still had to get home.

Forgot to say.....Whilst in the car on the way there he had asked me what I was doing at the weekend and I told him that one of my girlfriends was coming to stay and that she needed the break and would be with me from Friday... I explained a little as to why... and instead of understanding he sort of pouted... and said 'oh, well, that spoils my plans then' !! WTF!!! What plans??? lol Turns out he had been offered 2 tickets to a West End Show (Witches? Wicked? something to do with the Wizard of OZ story) at some bargain price (that was another thing - everything was money related)... anyway, he had been offered these tickets for the best seats (naturally) and he had planned to take me.. and now he couldn't. Shame eh? (hard cow!)

Well, I thanked him for the thought but said my friends are more important than any show but perhaps another time (NO NO NO JENNIE!!!!!). I was very polite though, not at all rude... I couldn't help wonder how late I would have had to drive home from that too and was pretty sure he would have engineered it so that we would have missed the last trains out! Could be wrong but I'll explain more in a moment...

Anyway, basically told him that I couldn't see him at the weekend apart from Sunday afternoon/evening.... then we arrived to bowl...

So... back in the car AFTER the bowling... and we talked nicely enough and I thanked him for paying and offered to pay half , he declined and said it was his pleasure and he was sure next time I would be a lot better! He even asked for the games to be printed out so he could know what the scores were!!! LMAO I didn't need scores!! I was crap! lol End of! LMAO

Once in the car he told me about a friend of his who was vegetarian but whose Dr told her she had to eat meat or she would die!! I was a bit surprised but he was adamant, Dr says you have to eat meat or you die! lol I wondered how so many vegetarians cope with being on borrowed time..... then he told me about his speeding fine and how it wasn't his fault... and when we were bowling, if he had a duff shot it was his shoes, his leg, his arm, the ball was too heavy, the floor too slippy, there was a slope, there was food under his shoe, etc etc etc... lol at least I was honest! If I was crap I said as much!! lol Told him that a good carpenter never blames their tools! lol (Tetchy, grouchy, hard and mean!!)
 
By now I had realised that I can't see him again.. or I may murder him! Probably not all his fault, I was tres critical!!

It had started to rain and I made the comment that I had over an hours drive and it wasn't going to be pleasant in the rain too but I was glad I had my lovely car. He said I didn't need to drive home and could stay at his place... now,.. bear in mind.. I have already told him that I won't spend a weekend with him, I have refused over and over to go to his flat and I have told him no sex please I'm British!! I smiled, thanked him for the offer and said no. He persisted. I declined again... twice...

I know I was tetchy, tired, grouchy etc etc etc... but he did give me some fuel to add to the fire.. not least when we got back to the car park and I told him that the estate agent had been... he wanted to know how much my house was worth and what would I do and had I considered living in a mobile home...

I told him that if I was forced into selling that I would up and off and travel round the world! I told him I wasn't worried about the future and pensions and security, as life is here and now, not 20 years down the line... his response??

Him: Can I be selfish?
Me: Yeah, sure.. go for it
Him: What about me? (then pretend sniffling and pathetic look)
Me: What about you? This is only the 3rd time we have been out?
Him: (hurt look) Oh
Me: I know, sorry, I'm a hard woman
Him: Well you are definitely a woman and you make me hard!
Me: (disgusted look) Time I left now, long drive home. (Exit stage left)

He didn't even get out of the car to say goodbye... he leant across the seat and said 'when will I see you again?' so I told him the next time I was free was Sunday after my friend goes home... and that he could come up to see me... his response? 'But I won't be able to take you out for a meal because you have your weigh in on Monday' WTF!! So I told him there are lots of other things to do than eat and that no matter what day of the week it was on I wasn't going to be eating as I HAVE to shift this last bit! He smirked and gave a leer and laughed... I just sighed and wished him goodnight. He asked me to text to let him know when I got in... and added... 'You know, I would do anything for you'?

I mumbled goodnight and thank you and that I would text when home.

I did too.. I texted him and told him I was home. He replied with some kisses and a goodnight comment, which I responded to with a smiley face.. I got a text after that with about 15 kisses on it. I switched my phone off.

I know what I have to do, I WILL do it... I'll call him... not today (it's Wednesday now)... but probably tomorrow... or Friday... but I will call him and just let him down gently. I know that no matter how hard I might try... it definitely isn't going to work... oh... it didn't help too that he almost killed us iun the car because he wasn't watching where he was going... his response? 'no lights on this bit of road' to which I retorted... 'no, but you do have headlights!!!' I'll be honest, that scared me loads and I was shaking when we got back to the car park for my car.

Maybe Zoe is right, I'm not being fair and am being too picky.. but you know what... I'd rather be that way and on my own than with someone who was wrong for me... for whatever reasons!

Right... am tired out now and heading for my bed... no word from S (he is reliable in his unreliability)... so am not going to bother texting him again now. Friends don't treat one another as he is treating me, so, no more messages... if I get tempted I shall get on here and spout off!! lol

Righty oh... thankfully all cakes are gone from house now, as is the fudgy filling stuff and the strawberries... so... only water, appleade and bars and packs now!! If want to AAM will have to shop! lol

Night night all xxxxxxx
 
canireallydothis!! said:
Ok Jen, Small (mini) lecture

9.7lbs to go, look at your measurements, and look at what you have already done.

Dont do it again hun, but also look at why you did it, because you will have to address this type of stuff at goal, otherwise youll be like me and back on 790.

You have so little time left on SS and AAM etc, dont let it turn in to any longer, I need you to join me on the maintenance mission!!!

Love x
Click to expand...

Thanks Vicki... can't wait to join you!!! No more cakes, I promise :D :D Fingers crossed it will only be a few short weeks to go!!! :)
 
just a few short words from me ~ i don't like the sound of him !!
stay well clear hun
xx
 
Jenny, trust your instincts please!! You know he's not right for you, you aren't being too picky and there's no point dragging it out!!:eek:

Sorry if that sounds too abrupt but my skin was crawling when I read his responses and then things he said, I had an experience similar to that once and although the guy in question would have treated me like a queen on one hand, there was too much about him that I couldnt and wouldnt and subsequently didnt settle for!

You deserve the best girl!!:D
 
I agree with Pandora. He's definitely a no-no!

I must admit though I was amazed you were so calm in the bowling alley. Think I could easily have clocked him one! He obviously thinks he is Mr Right, problem is his first name is "Always"
 
Hi hun

You know what I'm going to say - he's so not right for you, you're not being picky, you need to be with someone you enjoy being with and he's not it. the way he acts will just annoy you more and more and you'll end up so irritated with him, it's not worth it, by date 3 you're meant to be on cloud 9, excited by the thought of him and longing to see him again, any of that sound familiar with Browneyes - nope didn't think so :p

Life's too short to spend dating guys you're not really keen on, there's plenty of others out that and you may have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, but he's out there for you, just keep persevering.

And well done on being tough with S, I know how much you like him but you're doing the right thing, let him get in touch with you.

Take care, have a good day
xxxxx
 
Oh Jennie... he sounds awful!!!! You are most definitely not being picky.... he would drive you insane!!!!!!

I'm actually all annoyed after reading that lol

Have a lovely weekend xxxx
 
Well, it's 11am now on Wednesday and am sitting at work feeling pretty pathetic.. I texted S this morning (having still not heard a thing from him) BUT (in my defence your honour)... it was to say 'Good morning, just a note to wish you a lovely holiday. Take care of yourself'. And I have now deleted his number from my phone. I am hopeless. He clearly has no thoughts of me as there has been no word from him since his call on Monday morning. I can't even call him a friend as NONE of my friends treat me so shabbily. I feel almost bereft but it'll be ok. The penny has been dropping with regularity about him for ages but I just didn't want to hear it hit the floor... I hear it now... with eardrum bursting volume. Still. It'll be ok. I don't need friends like that in my life. I am blessed with true friends who I value enormously and never make me feel as he has. (Although he had no idea that this is how I feel... so please don't judge him harshly).

As for Browneyes... I feel mean for posting all that about him, but it was all true.. lol.. and now the rose-tinted specs are off... well... Gen... there's so much more and it would make you seeth! lol I talked to a good friend of mine about it last night as I drove home and they were incredulous and asked me would I have tolerated such behaviour and comments when I was at my biggest? I was ashamed to say, no... I would have told him where to get off in no uncertain terms! Would never have got to date 2 let alone 3!

I don't understand the logic of that though... why am I prepared to put up with things now that I would NEVER have put up with before? Is it that I think I have to take what I can and be grateful for it? (Bit like Zoe's attitude that I can't be picky....maybe she's right...) I don't know. I do know though that I am dreading telling him it isn't going to progress. I know I won't tell him the real reasons why, but will sugar coat it so he doesn't feel bad about himself... no point in being mean now is there..

I do think he would have driven me demented and I would have ended up hating him and he me coz I would have turned into the ***** from hell (I already feel like a right cow for saying as much as I have!!).

Ho hum...
 
Jennie... I just think you are a nice person and would consider putting up with him cos a) you wouldn't want to hurt his feelings and b) just in case you don't meet anyone else..... but let me tells ya this chick... a) get rid of him (nicely of course ;)) and b) you will meet someone and very soon... its all just a learning curve hun and you are learning at the weight you are now what you will and won't accept whether with from friends (ie S) or from a potential partner (ie Browneyes)!!!

God damn he is still annoying me... I know exactly the 'type' of person he is... sooooooooooo annoying!!!!!

Ahhh well chick at least you now know you deserve better... don't ya??? (know it i mean... not deserve better lol) cos ya do!!!!

Anyways I'm gonna stop before I can't lol

xxxxxxx
 
awww, thanks Gen... :) Don't be too harsh on Browneyes... he is a nice guy too... I just saw all the negatives last night.. and he saw some of mine too! lol (i.e. criticising and telling him off!!).. lol

Well, an hour later and I feel brighter already, lol - although I do think I'm insane!

Going home (via bank) and going to have a soup then take the dog out for a good long walk as have neglected walking him this last week and I'm sure the fresh air, sunshine and exercise will do us both good!

'Bike club tonight so looking forward to that. Just remembered that I've promised to bake for their charity day on Bank Holiday weekend... hmm.. that might be a toughie... think I might need to retract the offer... or just make sure they get the cakes same day and none left in house! Still.. that's 2 weeks away and I MIGHT have shifted a bit more weight by then and feel stronger... just have to watch out for what I am mentally labelling 'red flag' foods!

Going to text Browneyes and ask him to call me when he gets home from work. I'll tell him then.

Today is definitely one of tying up loose ends... sleep will be welcomed tonight so am going to be sure to come home from Bike club by 10.30pm and set alarm for 8am that way I SHOULD get good sleep. I did last night, eventually, as I wore ear plugs again :D

Love the fact that the sun is shining and I'm going to get out in it for a while! :D

Apologies that my diary has been so full of blokes of late - need to get a grip and concentrate on more important things.. lol.. like the dog, my house and my income! :D
 
It's your diary Jennie, you can write about what you like. If these things concern you, then that's what you write about! It all helps if you get it off your chest.

You know how I feel about the situation don't you and you also know where I am if you need me.

As to deleting numbers, can you maybe give me some of the same advise. Last Wednesday whilst drunk I decided to phone Matt from the nightclub and he has started texting me again. Not even sure if I like him that much. Mobile phones and alcohol should never be mixed!
 
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