Hugs BL. You are torn in two and I can't really appreciate how bad it must feel to be so far from your loved ones in their latter years. .
It's horrible. Horrible. In many ways, I so regret leaving her. I miss her terribly, and I know she is sad I am away. I am the daughter. And the youngest. It was always just sort of accepted and understood, happily, I would probably look after her. My ex and I had planned to - it was just the way it would go. So I suppose I feel I let her down. That I abandoned her. My 2 older bros are there (but don;t get me started - that is part of the stress I am under. One bro is bad bad news, and things are not good. So I am sad about him, feel I am losing him, and am angry as hell at him. Its a horrible feeling to feel you are left with no choice but to disown a sibling who you always looked up to and idolised.) See - i said don;t get me started. Thats a biggy.
ANyway, yeah, it is hard. I love my mom - and it does not feel natural to be here. And her there. It feels wrong. No matter how hard I have tried, it has never felt right, if I am honest.
Have you considered making the move to the US sooner than the current plan? Perhaps working for some months and then heading to the US for some months to spend long periods of time with your family there.
In a perfect world, that would be a 'better then nothing' solution - being able to take time and go dor some months. But we are BURIED in debt. (again why I really say I shouldnt laugh at my shopping. It is a problem. ) But - lets be clear - lol, it is not my shopping that has us in debts. It is years of credit card use....lots of trips to the states have added up - my crap salary for 4 years - lots of major home improvements, etc - and yes, our share of toys.
So, we are only now starting to get slowly to grips with it - with m new job I am making more money - so it helps, but that is not feasible for us unfortunately. We are really concentrating on all spare money going to building - which is of course key to moving home. We need a house. lol
As for going back earlier then planned....we are already late - by 5-6 years. The plan was to be here 2-3 years. Do up the house and go back. We got off to a great start, but Then my health got so bad, not knowing what I had, but constantly hurting, I became less and less able to keep up with the DIY physically. So the DIY slowed down.
So we need to get our house done, we need every possible penny we can squeeze out of it. But we had a flood in 2005, and it was a year of living hell, we became completey and utterly de-motivated. One thing added to another, and feh - well, the calanders tick over and nothing gets done.
We are ITCHING to get back = the moment we can, we are gone. I don;t mean that bad - I love it here, and I have made some wonderful friends - but - I miss my home.
WHat a whinger I am.
Sorry - sheesh. I think after being a lone for a month, I have needed someone to talk too!! LOL
Sorry peeps - it helps to get it off my chest though but it must be boring as hell and probably confusing as hell to listen to me prattle on!!!
As to the money, we tend to have addictive personalities. Can you seek help through one to one counselling?
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Yeah, I think it is approaching that point. Will start asking for some reccomendations down here and in the new year will take that on. I think it wil be helpful.
The good news is, most of what is troubling me, is new stuff. And that really truly is a relief - its not THAT old stuff AGAIN, ya know what I mean? So I think it would be very helpful.
As for health - the rain has been hard on me. And the cold. I must admit, and now adding the shoulder to the mix is, well just a bit depressing. At least I am balanced.
Now both shoulders have issues, as do both knees, as do both feet. I don;t do anything by halves.
I hate to hear you so down about everything. You give so much of yourself on here and have helped so many folk get through tough times. If we can help you a little its a privilege.
xx
THANK YOU <<<<<<hug>>>>>
