I hear you, sister!
Troubled times. They still can find us.
For weeks, I have felt extremely stressed out. For a variety of reasons. Some I cannot help, and others I could help, if I could exercise more self control. Money. That’s the one I COULD help, if I would just stop shopping. Money, makes my body react – just thinking about money makes me feel almost ill. And I have spent so much recently, just feeding my nerves really... But now, I am spending money – or was – (I have gained control of my senses again – for the moment anyway)– but I spent a lot of money while hubby was away. I did not need to. But i did it to make me feel good. Seems at times, for me, its food or spending are the only things that bring me comfort – even when I know both are the wrong answers.
There have been other life stresses – trouble with my brother, and worry about my mum – missing my mum, etc. That is an ALWAYS
stress...
At times, I feel my heart racing in my chest, for no reason. Just stress.
I need to sort it out. It is affecting my eating...
Why all of a sudden is stress my enemy??
I have done a lot of “mirror chats” and thoughtful walking.
I know a bit part of it is for 8 years, I have felt torn. Torn between my life in America, and my life here in the UK. I am daily constantly terrified my 92 year old mum, will be gone before we finally move back to the states. I constantly feel regret at having chosen to start life here in the UK. Was only meant to be 2-3 years max. Then get back with plenty of mom time. But it will be 9 years next year. I am missing so much time with her.
I realise, I have two feet, each planted firmly in different countries – unable to put them together to stand whole. Does that make sense? I feel like I have never, and cannot completely relax into my life here. And I feel like my life there is tugging at me. I feel like I am giving everything 75% and nothing 100%. I suffer for this. Hubby suffers for this. Mom suffers for this. Health suffers for this.
And when I should be as productive as possible to get back to the states – I get overwhelmed, it all feels too big, and I grind to a halt, and start neglecting what is important to me.
Hi BL,
I edited your text after I "quoted" it -- in order to more easliy refer to back (I hope you do not mind).
First of all, I soooo feel your pain in many, many ways. I, too, am a transplanted American. When I moved to the UK in November of 1994, it was to be for two years. (My job was actually being held for me.) I landed here on what I tongue in cheek call "The Isle of Gray Dispair".
I gained about three stone in the first five months I lived here! I had never had true weight issues and lost my "baby weight" within the first year after having my son (I had to stop breastfeeding to lose the last ten pounds). I had Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) -- but it was not diagonosed until the second winter of gloom and doom.
Anyway, the two year marked approached -- I wasn't working, had few friends and several I made moved on (being a mostly American military community), and my husband announced that he was taking a job in Germany.
I wanted to go back to States, but when he wanted to come to England I had said, "I am not interested in living in England, I'd rather be on the continent." So, he used that to justify moving us to Germany. I let to let my teaching position go (they will only hold it for two years). And, I felt like everything I had worked so hard for was gone. However, as we had a young child and I was determined to not raise him in a broken home, and I chose my family.
I don't think that I made a mistake, but knowing what I know now... I'd have been more insistent that my needs mattered, too. I have been an unhappy person much of the time, and have only recently lost the five stone the three eventually became (after another baby and not losing the weight gain).
So, now that I have given you a bit of my "feet in two lands" background (I left out Germany years, second child being special needs, working at a crummy job that I am overqualified for and poorly paid, etc.). But, you get the picture -- I should be 20 plus years into a pension scheme and I have nothing of my own. I should be living the house we've been paying the mortgage on in New York (or different one) rather than renting it out and living in rented accomodations here. (My husband refuses to buy here.) And, we are in our 16th year of living outside the United States! Our son is no longer with us -- he is in the U.S. attending college in Florida! So, it is just the two of us and our daughter who would love to live in the States -- and never has (she was born in Germany).
So, I what I am trying to say is that I think we are both in a similar situation...
we are allowing other people (and/or circumstances) to run our lives. We do not feel in control --
hence the food, spending and other types of compensation.
Your husband went to the States for a month without you (whether he wanted to do so or not) and that is -- as you realised -- most likely what triggered the spending spree. Plus, now the days are short, cold and wet and that triggers the carb cravings and depression (BTW you might have SAD). And you are here and your family is not -- so, there is the guilt and feeling of missing out.
Life is too short to be so unhappy all the time (or most of it), and I have realised that if I am unhappy I am going to make those around me miserable, too. I think that all the people who suggested counselling are right to do so. (For both of us.)
You (and I) both need to figure out what it is that we want; if it is possible to obtain it (if not, what is realistic); decide if the price is one we are willing to pay to obtain it; and then we need to make the changes required. The sooner, the better.
Can I ask... why are you buying more property, etc. if you want to return to the U.S.? It is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. Is it that your husband really has no desire to move back, as agreed, and he is cementing ties to the U.K.? If so, you might look into marital counselling -- you have value, too. (I know that my nearly 23 years long marriage could benefit for marital counselling, but I do not see my husband being much of a partcipant.)
Here's another sad ex-pat wife tale: my sister was married to Dane. She gave up her U.S. military career, moved to Denmark, learned Danish so well that Danes thought she was a Dane from another part of Denmark, got a job with the Danish gov't doing what she had done for the U.S. military -- but not what she wanted to do (she wanted to retrain to be a sports physiologist), got stuck in the job because her husband took on expenses they needed her income to pay, took a second job to pay for flight time for him to get qualified as a commerical pilot so he could leave the military and fly civilian -- and then they would move to the U.S. as agreed before they married --- well, the time came to make the move (he had a couple of years with an airline by then), their house had increased in value, my father had paid for all the immigration paperwork and lawyer, etc. and she was now in her mid-30s and wanted to have a baby.
He left her! He did not want to leave Denmark. He gotten everything he wanted (add'l training, the career, the house with some land, etc.) and she had lost 8 years of her life (and her career or so we thought).
She was fortunate - her former military boss valued her work and she had continued working in her field, so she was taken back into the US Forces and has been very successful careerwise (But, she is 8 years behind on the pay, promotion and retirement ladders). And, she is still single and has no children. And, she is now 45, so it may not happen for her as she once dreamed.
She, too, has regrets -- she says now that she knew shortly after she moved to Denmark that he was not going to keep his word. However, she thought: "If I do everything I can to get us to where we need to be, then he'll have to move back." Apparently, he did not think so.
Again, figure out what you want and if it is worth it. If it is, then to quote the Nike commercial: "Just Do It". If it is not worth the cost, then you need to find a way to make peace with life choices you have made.
You are much too hard on yourself. You have shown tremendous self-control in losing the weight, keeping it off, adjusting to life in a foreign country, etc. You now need to find a way to make the changes you want/need to or to accept the life you are leading (and deal with the other issues). It's the "can't have your cake and eat it too" analogy. And, not making a choice (or choices) is still a decision -- albeit one that makes you feel powerless and without any control.
My apologies for the incredibly long post -- but your dairy entry of three days ago really and truly spoke to me. When I was doing LL Foundation (July 2008 - October 2008) it was
your "story", your postings, that truly inspired me. (So, if I have not thanked you -- believe me when I say how grateful I am to you). You have been (and are) such a great role model for people who have chosen to deal with their "demons" (whether it is overeating, poor self-esteem, etc.) and I am hoping that you call on the BlondeLogic that I know and love and tackle these demons of depression, stress, financial irresponsiblity, guilt, etc. with the same determination that you used to commit to LL and weight loss.
And, I am going to try and do the same for myself...
MinnieMel
