Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

[minilady]

So very sorry to hear of your great loss, how terrible for you and your family.

I would like to say I was glad to be back, but would've preferred to have maintained successfully However, cant think of a better place to come back to.

We did it once and I know we can definately do it again

Any news on Katie, is she still here on Mins?

Tracey
xxxxx

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi BL,

Glad to here that things are going well. What a fab loss! Impressive.

Mel

 

[Clarabow]

Thinking of you ... hope you are holding your own. xx

 

[Blonde Logic]

I've been thinking alot these last few days about how I felt and reacted at my OH's grandads funeral last week. I don't think I have ever heard my crooked voice so loud and persistant - even when I abstained for 10 months I don;t think it was ever quite so loud as it was.

The worst part of it all was how I felt at the relatives home, when it was practically announced to the neighbourhood I would not be having lasagne with everyone because I was on a diet.

I wrote about this in the main part of the forum.

I have tried to expain to my husband how dieting makes me feel. Its not the same for everyone, and for me - I want to diet as discretely as possible. I want no attention on me, at all. I have always felt like that. I know now, this puts an awful lot of pressure on me.

I am so envious of those who just don't care - and can make jokes and quips about their weight, and stuff. For me, I feel like the moment I say I am on a diet I will be scrutinised head to toe, and for me thats cringeworthy. Even now. Even when I hit goal!!

I think, because of the way my ex hubby treated me and my weight issue, and the childhood relentless ribbing I took from my brothers, and always feeling like the fat girl at the back of the class, etc., when I was growing up - even though I know now I wasn;t!! But I think because of all these things being fat equates to being ashamed. Not feeling good enough. So, if I say out loud to a room of people, "No thanks, I am on a diet", I feel like I am saying, "No thanks, I am not good enough" or something like that.

Its strange how even now those old old knee jerk reactions have been tickled out of their sleep by recent events. Goes to show they may always be with us.

My OH also could not quite understand when I was saying to me, dieting is nearly as hard as quitting smoking. And he could not comprehend this. ANd I know for many quitting smoking is much much harder. But when food can go from day to day sustainance, to an addictive frenzy - quitting it is as hard as tobacco, alcohol, whatever the addiction is.

I know I need to learn earlier warning signs when my comfort eating begins tro cross over in to addictive behaviour. I don;t believe there is anything wrong with comfort eating. If we can stop. Why shouldn't we be allowed a bit of comfort after a reallly sh*t day, or week - or whatever!! Thats what "normal" people do. I just want to learn to know when I am getting in to trouble - recognise it and stop it before it becoes an addictive pattern.

I hope I can bring this up in group Monday. I really would like to delve into the addictive aspect, because my recent behaviour was that of any kind of addict after being clean for years and then relapsing, like a kid in a candy shop. Awfull when its like that.

I am just so glad to have not fallen prey to the voices, and the cravings (psych) and got through it all, but it sure made me realise there are parts of me that I will probably always be fighting with.

Well, I am waffling again. Just thinking out loud.

 

[slendablenda]

Yes, yes, yes. I can relate to lots of those feelings. I've been "treating" myself recently.
Is it to reward myself for being alive?Is it because of the steroids?
I can feel and see the pounds going on!
Is it because I feel scared?
Is it because I feel ugly with my mutilated unfeminine body?
Is it because I can't be in control of what's happening to me?
Sorry to hi-jack your thread BL.
Saw my Mum today. I mentioned that I'll have a bit of weight to lose after my treatment. She said "yes, you will"
Boom - all those old emotions back again.
Think I need to speak to LLC.....................:sigh:

 

[Julz]

SB, wish I knew exactly what to say, not in the same place as you, however, your steriod extra weight is helping savevyour life, your body needs it to get your through everything at the moment, so make a deal with yourself, you need the extra to make you well again. The slight weight gain can be resolved when you are outvthe other side, coming off steroids and keeping to your sensible maintenance plan and rhe lbs will come off again.
You trully are a beautiful person from the inside out, love yourself for however you look, you will be able to have reconstruction afterwards if that is what you feel you need. One step at a time, remember how long it took to lose your weight, not overnight. Set your goals!
Hope this is of some comfort.
Jx

 

[LadyT]

SB I can't imagine how you must feel and won't patronise you by trying to, I can however tell you what others might see from the outside, having lived through it with my mum!

This will be the biggest battle of your life and your friends and family are there to support you! The drugs are there to mend you and as for the mutilated body, well try to see through it, it's a beautiful precious body that needs positive love and attention! My mum had a single mastectomy and refused reconstructive surgery, 90% of the time she doesn't wear the insert in her bra to make her look normal, but do you know why, because normal doesn't exist, we are all uniquely different and very beautiful in different ways. She does what feels good to her people in society just accept so much now it's not a challenge for her, which is exactly how it should be! There will be bits of your body that has changed and you will have in the future the opportunity to deal with them but first you have to regain your strength and stay focused on the positives in your life, amazing friends and family and a great support network on her that love you to bits! The little bit of weight you may have put on is not an issue as you know how to deal with it when the time is right, short term think about changing your treats to maybe pamper items, a luxury bubble bath or a DIY face mask, nit that you need one beautiful lol, there are so many things that will help you go through the process of making you feel good again!

I am so pleased you and BL have a fab friendship you seem like minded ladies, that offer amazing support to each other along with everyone else, but never forget to put YOU first. Xxxx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Hi sweetheart. I know your treatment would have some affect on your weight. Steroids do put he weight up - but it does come off again when the treatment stops. That has been the case with Chazs dad with his COPD treatment. They put him on them and he does put on a few pounds - and he has said it is a combo fo the drugs themselves and that they do increase hunger - sometimes quite severly and hard to ignore. BUt the good news is once he comes off of them those strong cravings go away and the weight shifts quikly.

Honey - you are so beautiful - the last few times I have seen you there was nothing unfeminine about you. Even right after your op you looked beautiful and every bit a lady.

You are fighting right now, and whatever you need to do to win that fight you will do. And you do deserve to treat yourself. Thats what I meant - any "normal weighted" person would, so why not you too.

I am trying to learn not to fear comfort eating, but to retrain my mind that it should be a brief interlude, during a rough patch, and not a gateway to abandonment.

I know you, and we have talked so much about this. I know you and I will never be who we once were again. We know what it is like to have 10 or 11 extra stone on us....the physical and mental pain of luggin around essentially another human being on our frames. Right now, you just need to do what feeds your body AND your soul, as you get yourself through this huge challenge you are facing. Any fallout can be dealt with when the time is right. The main thing now is that you get well.

I love you and don't want to see you down about this. You are a star, and I know you will come out on top, and will had the tools, the strength and desire to change anything that comes of this.

And you are not alone. <<<huge hugs>>>

 

[slendablenda]

Thank you ladies

Sorry, I was just having one of those horrible middle of the night
feeling sorry for myself moments.
Thankyou for everything you've all said. It's all true.
Actually I don't really care how other people see me. I lived too many years as an obese woman to be bothered about that.
I've had a lovely quiet pottering around my garden today and supper outside with my OH who is being a star through all this.
I am very lucky to have great support from family a friends including BL and you girls and colleagues.
Thank you. xx:thankyou:

 

[Blonde Logic]

Sunday Mourning Blues

Missing my mom so much right now. :cry::cry::cry:Feeling so so homesick. I dont know what has brought it on - just one of those mornings when the memory is in the air I guess.

Its hard letting the feelings just flow through wihtout grabbing something to distract me. This is why I eat - so not to feel things like this.

I am missing her like mad, and feeling that I mave made some terrible terrible mistakes in the past by leaving her, and I just wish there was some way I could make it up to her. I just cant help but feel that way even though I know it is not right. Its just how I feel. And I can't see myself changing that. I will always feel guilty. ANd full of regret at all the years of time together we missed. I know my work needs to be on letting go of the guilt. Guilt was a big part of my revelations the first time around, and I did finally manage to do that - but now...... Well. I guess its still too raw.

I also love my inlaws so much, the thought of leaving them here when we DO go....

Oh I know, its always the same same story. Its just this is what my life is. Feeling very much torn in two.....and always with a devilsih thought in the deepest darkest farthers depth of my mind: "I could just go." But I never would. I love my hubby and family here too. Its these things that make me feel torn in two.

If I dont go home, I am missing even MORE time with loved ones there. If I leave England, I will miss out on years with my outlaws who are my parents. I adore them.

What a flippen mess I continuously find myself it. I just cannot get free of these feelings and the situation. I just cant see a "win" in it anywhere.

I would never ever EVER reccomend trans-country relationships for any two pwople who love their family - because inevitabley someone losses out big time.

Life goes pretty fast, and even faster now the older you get.

It just feels hopeless, and I can;t call my mom for comfort and reassurance. :cry::cry:

I'm 51 years old and I feel 10.

SOrry to be so depressing - I just needed to get these thoughts and feelings down because I haven;t had a meltdown like this for some time and I am sure there is something significant in here somewhere that I should learn from.

Ugh. Off to dry myeyes and try to get the puffiness to go before hubby wakes up and asks me whats wrong and it all goes whoooooosh again.

xxx

 

[Clarabow]

Big hug honey. No words of wisdom, would take a wiser head than mine xx

 

[Catthin]

Sorry to hear your feeling low at the moment.Grief is very hard and guilt is a natural part of grieving give yourself time to heal dont be too hard on yourself.You need to take care of yourself then you can take care of others.
Take care hun hugs and thoughts are with you.
Hope you find inner peace soon.
Cathy

 

[Debbi8489]

(((hugs))) BL. I'm so sorry that you are feeling like that. Are you having grief counselling? That might help you sort out the thoughts xx

 

[eatlikeabird]

Hi BL, Its good to have a cry and get it out. And to write about your feelings, it shows how much you have learned about dealing with feelings and emotions instead of swallowing them down and eating your emotions. Your mourning and grieving is an ongoing process. My Mom passed in 1989 and a few years after I found myself driving and suddenly I started crying missing my Mom. It came out of no-where and surprised me a bit. But it also made me feel that closeness again and that was good. I've faced more family losses since but a mother daughter relationship is so special. You'll work out your feelings.
Re your previous entry, I was also teased by my brother growing up so I know how deeply that affects every aspect of my life. I read your thread written after you got back and I wanted to write at the time. I think it was brilliant that you stuck to your eating plans, and that you were going through the thought process of recognising why you were having such strong reactions to the whole situation. And that you talked to your OH about your feelings.
A friend told me a good thing to keep in mind... 'you don't know what someone else is thinking'. Cause when I say 'no thanks I'm on a diet' in my head I hear rolling eyes and no way she's going to stick to it and how many times has she said that and turned around and eaten a xxx when she went home to get to that size...etc. But that's in my head. They are probably thinking 'oh she's on a diet' and then moved onto another thought like 'I've got to be a good hostess and hope the food is ok and is there going to be enough etc etc.' I am very selfconcious so I have to keep reminding myself of that.
BTW I'm Canadian and have lived in UK and now in Ireland so I know what you mean about wanting to be in both places.

 

[slendablenda]

Hi hun,
So sorry everything has decided to come back to the surface again.
Hugs and love coming to you xxx

 

[Julz]

BL, what a rough time you have had, just when you think you are dealing with something, Pow it gets you again. Probably the Scottish trip has stirred it all up again, when it is still so raw.
My mum died in 1998 the big C, I had a really rough relationship with her most of my life, she was an alcoholic and all that comes with that. She lived 80 miles away when she was diagnosed, and I spent the 5 months on the road backwards and forwards. As much as I loved her, and did all I could, there are still feelings of guilt that get me every now and then. Random smells, or music on the radio and I find the tears rolling down my face, like just now, everything is blurry!. My dad had passed 10 years before that.
It does get easier, I think the pain eases with time, but never goes away, and you find yourself dealing with the loss in a different way.

Tougher for you with your family spread all over, when my mum passed, my brother and family were living in Saudi Arabia, and I missed them so badly. They are home now, but live 70 miles away so we don't get to see each other very often.

I'm 53 and feel 10 at times too! I can relate to the dieting is private brigade, I have only told a couple of friends and few family members, I have been overweight since childhood, and have been 'on another diet' so many times and with the negative comments that go with it, helped me make the decision this time, it is private, nobody elses business but mine. Bit of a challenge at work, but into the routine now of having soup and a bar, I had been taking in Shepherds pie or chilli, and started to get comments from a not very nice loud mouthed colleague, so switched to soup and bar as it is more discreet. A lot of that is down to shame, about over eating and what have I done to my body. I used to say I don't care what people think, but really deep down I did.

I do hope you find some inner peace soon, I also bought a book at the time Simple Abundance, which is a daily book, which I re read when I feel the need and always get something out of it.
:grouphugg:

Take some time for you, you are worth it!
Jx

 

[eatlikeabird]

I have 'Simple Abundance' also, lovely book.

 

[Blonde Logic]

Ladies than =ks for your lovely comments and support. It is just one of those things, where it pops up now and again and hits me - usually out of the blue.

Will write more later when I have time- I just wanted to acknowledge your comments and tell you how warm they made me feel.

Muah! Kisses all around.

Thank you.

xxxx

 

[LadyT]

Hey gorgeous hope you are feeling like you are in a better place emotionally now! Funny things emotions they hit us when we least expect them and sometimes for no real reason! I like to believe they help us grow and become stronger and wiser people allowing us to help others when they find themselves in a vulnerable place!

Hope the diet is going ok too xxxx

 

[UmmZakaria]

I just wanted to say it sounds like you're doing fantastically, your posts and diary were such an inspiration to me when I was doing Total and I really hope that reading back through them has helped you too. I'm so sorry you've been through so much recently, there are some things in life we can't control, and that totally blows but it sounds as though you're taking the bull by the horns and completely taking control of one part of your life. Best of luck and I look forward to reading about your journey through RTM which I am sure will be in no time at all xxxx