Hold on to your hats - it's a bumpy ride
I have been feeling very introspective lately, and really taking stock of my life. Thoughts are no doubt stirred, sometimes gently, and sometimes agitated is more apt, by discussions in group, and the constant thoughts of what has transpired in the recent past that are never very far from the surface.
Let me preface this by saying – while this may sound a downer, I am fine, and not wallowing. Just looking at my life as it is. I accept it is not perfect – who’s is. It is what it is – it’s all I got – and I have to live with it the best way I can and I have to face the fact that if I am honest, I am not very happy with it. So please don’t take this as moaning or whinging. It’s just what it is, and I am trying to face it. What I hope to gain by this, I don’t know. But there are things I cannot say out loud to people, that I can say here. I guess it’s just another layer of my onion that I have to peel back and try to find understanding and meaning.
Let me also preface this by saying, this might be quite a long post...lol...so if you are up for it, grab a cuppa and get comfortable!
I am generally happy and easy going, on the outside. It’s not an act – it’s how I live my life. But if I were to be completely honest, there are parts of me that are sad, constantly. And have been for years and years and years. I used to say to people about my brothers depression, that he was “born depressed” and I really believed that. And I kind of feel that way about me too. One day, I may be brave enough to ask my other brother if he too carries on through life smiling, while inside he is sad. What I am wondering – is this the product of being adopted? All three of us were. And don’t get me wrong – as you know, I adored my mother and father and never in my life took for granted how incredibly lucky we were to have been chosen by them. They were amazing parents, and they loved us to the moon and back – and vica versa.
But, as an adult I am beginning to accept that I have “issues” that likely stem from being adopted. I have always considered myself very well adjusted about his – but as an adult am learning there are things that happen to a baby when they are taken from their maternal mother. Things I can’t explain and don’t fully understand – but am accepting them to be true. I always poo-pooed such things, because I had such loving parents and such an amazing childhood, etc. But underneath all of that – I do now believe that there is a giant stamp of rejection and abandonment on an infant’s soul when they are taken away....and it must surely be a blessing we are too young and too new to feel it. But I think it’s there. And it’s very complicated.
I so often have felt unsatisfied with my lot in life – and at time, shamefully envy others. Much of it is my fault probably. I have made some bad choices. I hated school – always felt inferior to all the pretty girls – slim, fashionable – their shiny cars and good looking string of boyfriends....that when I graduated, I could not bear the thought of more schooling. For reasons unknown to me, my parents accepted this and never encouraged me to go on to further education. The offered it to me – Art School or a Culinary Academy as these were areas I was showing some natural talent for. But I insisted, I just wanted to “get on with my life...get out there – get a job – move out, etc.” And they supported this.
I wish they hadn’t and don’t understand why they did. As a result, I have spent my entire working life in jobs that bring me no joy – no satisfaction – jobs that only feel like drudgery. I have worked nonstop since I was 16 – and have ended up hating every job I have had. And now, at 51, the thought of doing something I love seems, well, too late. I know it’s never too late to change, but let’s face it – by now there are mortgages involved – years of various debts accrued – it’s not always easy or practical. So I feel very trapped in unfulfilled occupations.
This makes me feel desperate to retire – but I have made so many foolish financial moves in my life, and the losses (financial) that occurred when I divorced my ex-husband make me live in fear that I will never ever be able to retire, therefore never able to have a stab at doing something I enjoy – that I am faced with endless years of *this*. I wish I knew then – what I know now. I am sure many of us wish this!
I won’t rehash the years of living in guilt over leaving mom – but that plays a huge part in my discontent. I know that. But it’s too late now. Unfortunately, the guilt lingers, even though she is gone and there is nothing I can do about it anyway.
I miss my friends, and my life in California, at times I feel like we will never ever get back there. My birth-mom is getting older – my brothers getting older – I am getting older – life is just whizzing past. I have never been as conscious of this as I have been the last 4 or 5 months.
I just feel constantly sad and regretful. It’s getting old, but I seem to be struggling with finding a way to move forward. I feel like I just sit static in this life I have now, watching the pages of Calendars tear off a calendar and blow away, like they do in the old movies.
Inside, I am pretty much a mess. On the outside, I carry on smiling. It is getting very very tiresome living life this way. And no doubt has a huge part to play in why I have always struggled with my weight.
<Sigh> I wish there was a magic pill I could take that would just snap everything in to the right place, including my mind. I find the more and more I try to work through it, the more complicated it gets and the less I understand it. Its an exercise in futility.
How does one jut turn off the switch, and make it stop.
Well, I have NO idea what I hope to accomplish by blathering on about this here. I guess I just needed to get it out there, and maybe that will help to start some wheels somehow turning in the right direction. At the end of my life, I don’t want to feel like I have completely and utterly wasted it and done nothing wonderful, or inspirational, or satisfying. I don’t know. Maybe I should have stayed on the anti-depressants. Even if its false, going through life numb can sometimes be easier.
Sorry to be, what I said I wouldn’t be at the beginning of this post – a whiner and a whinger. Just needed to try and get some of this out of my head. I hope this will help.
Thanks.
xx
