Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

[MinnieMel]

(((((BIG HUGS)))))

About three years ago, a friend of mine's ex-partner (she left him because of his drinking) died from alcoholism. (He ended up in the ICU, lingered for a few days in a coma and died.) He was about the same age as your friend (maybe even a little younger). He left behind two little girls one 10 and the other 8! It was heart-breaking --

I hope that your friend's family and other loved ones get through this loss as easily as possible.

I hope you're well, otherwise.

 

[Julz]

Thoughts go out to everyone who has been affected by alcohol, my mum died from it too, I am almost tee total as well.
Jx

 

[slendablenda]

Very sad new hun. Quite a few people in my life have been affected by what the Irish call "the drink", my Dad being one of them.
I know before LL I used to drink too much. It was one of the contributory factors to my obesity. I liked it.
After almost a year with no alcohol I was really looking forward to drinking again - what a disappointment -I can take it or leave it now, mostly leave it.
On top of that the horrid taste that chemo gives you makes any
lovely wine -maybe God'S trying to save me from myself. It's working, I hardly drink at all now.

 

[loopylorns]

So sorry to hear your sad news, certainly way way to young to go. Sadly I see it more and more at work.

I have a family member who has a drink
Problem, well actually one on each side of the family, it's horrible to watch.

My thoughts are with you, bug hugs xx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Well, I went to work today, but was still quite rough so came home at 3pm, but not before my boss pulled me in to her office for a "chat".

Apparently, she said some of my colleagues have complained about my attitude towards work, and that I have been unhelpful - even refused to help someone. And that I complain all the time about our new system. And these comments are apparently rubbing them the wrong way.

I was shocked. I have never, ever, refused anything asked of me in any job. Not since the day I started my first ever job. I do not understand why anyone would say this. I am clueless what I might have done to make them believe this was what I was doing, or saying - that I refused to do something!? It has really upset me.

Also, we ALL have complained about this system issue from day one - every single one of us. Together - independantly - directly - you name it. Why am I suddenly the only one who has a problem with it?? I feel like I do not know my colleagues at all. I feel a bit pissed off and a bit hurt. ANd a bit stupid.

I can tend to be outspoken I guess. Much more so now, then before I lost the weight. I never mean to offend anyone, but if I feel strongly, in principal about something, I don;t hide it. I have always been that way - and since I was a kid in school, I always fought for the underdog. The stray kids, who had no friends - that didnt fit the specific olds of the various cliques to choose from - I usually became freinds with them and thats how I ended up with a pretty eclectic and cool circle of friends throughout my life. But it gets me in to trouble too.

I tend to be the one who voices things at work, that I know need to be heard, that other people also feel, but are afraid to be too bolshy in meetings, etc., so, I will speak up - they know this, and I am beginning to feel like they encourage me. WHy not get someone else to do the dirty work?? Then sit there all innocent? Good plan! lol

I feel as if they load the gun, and then I pull the trigger.

And now I am in the sh*t for it. And considered to have a bad attitude....by my boss and my colleagues - people I trusted, who i thought had my back, as much as I had theirs, even if more quietly....I trusted them.

My boss told me she thinks I am different because of the bad time I had last year. I told her I am different, Im unhappy but that's all I could say or I would have burst in to tears.

Partly because I have felt so poorly with this sickness <ahem> problem....I am sad at the news of a friends passing....I have quit smoking 2 weeks ago.....I had a massive row with my husband....and I am stuck here with no car when my feet and now my blumin bum hurt....I just felt really emotional today.

But I do have to stop and wonder, after last years losses, am I becoming angry? Or is this a phase of grief - this late in the game?? Are my colleagues just mean and out to cause trouble?? Or am I really that prickly to be around now? I really am upset by her comments.

I do know that sarcasm perhaps does not translate correctly between the states and here - I know our humour is very different historically - but generally, andything I say is usually meant dryly, for comic relief - not to be nasty.

I don't know. I just feel confused, and upset.

I am also considering thowing in the towel and going in to RTM. I am fed up wiht this, and never ever more so then after having lapsed. I just realllly do not know if I can do this another 4 weeks.

If I can't then I need to stop messing about and do RTM properly, rather then farting about every few days or feeling in fear of it at any time again - if I HAVE to go back to eating, I may as well do it with some sense. So I do not have long to decide. I either come off now as instructed, or I have to dig deeper then every and find something somewhere within to get by butt back in gear and finish this...... and I just don't know if I have it in me anyore.

Grrrrrr......somedays, I just realllly wish I could stay out of my head.

Any advice?? I feel a bit of a disaster at the moment. lol

xxx

 

[Julz]

Well, I went to work today, but was still quite rough so came home at 3pm, but not before my boss pulled me in to her office for a "chat".

Apparently, she said some of my colleagues have complained about my attitude towards work, and that I have been unhelpful - even refused to help someone. And that I complain all the time about our new system. And these comments are apparently rubbing them the wrong way.

I was shocked. I have never, ever, refused anything asked of me in any job. Not since the day I started my first ever job. I do not understand why anyone would say this. I am clueless what I might have done to make them believe this was what I was doing, or saying - that I refused to do something!? It has really upset me.

Also, we ALL have complained about this system issue from day one - every single one of us. Together - independantly - directly - you name it. Why am I suddenly the only one who has a problem with it?? I feel like I do not know my colleagues at all. I feel a bit pissed off and a bit hurt. ANd a bit stupid.

I can tend to be outspoken I guess. Much more so now, then before I lost the weight. I never mean to offend anyone, but if I feel strongly, in principal about something, I don;t hide it. I have always been that way - and since I was a kid in school, I always fought for the underdog. The stray kids, who had no friends - that didnt fit the specific olds of the various cliques to choose from - I usually became freinds with them and thats how I ended up with a pretty eclectic and cool circle of friends throughout my life. But it gets me in to trouble too.

I tend to be the one who voices things at work, that I know need to be heard, that other people also feel, but are afraid to be too bolshy in meetings, etc., so, I will speak up - they know this, and I am beginning to feel like they encourage me. WHy not get someone else to do the dirty work?? Then sit there all innocent? Good plan! lol

I feel as if they load the gun, and then I pull the trigger.

And now I am in the sh*t for it. And considered to have a bad attitude....by my boss and my colleagues - people I trusted, who i thought had my back, as much as I had theirs, even if more quietly....I trusted them.

My boss told me she thinks I am different because of the bad time I had last year. I told her I am different, Im unhappy but that's all I could say or I would have burst in to tears.

Partly because I have felt so poorly with this sickness <ahem> problem....I am sad at the news of a friends passing....I have quit smoking 2 weeks ago.....I had a massive row with my husband....and I am stuck here with no car when my feet and now my blumin bum hurt....I just felt really emotional today.

But I do have to stop and wonder, after last years losses, am I becoming angry? Or is this a phase of grief - this late in the game?? Are my colleagues just mean and out to cause trouble?? Or am I really that prickly to be around now? I really am upset by her comments.

I do know that sarcasm perhaps does not translate correctly between the states and here - I know our humour is very different historically - but generally, andything I say is usually meant dryly, for comic relief - not to be nasty.

I don't know. I just feel confused, and upset.

I am also considering thowing in the towel and going in to RTM. I am fed up wiht this, and never ever more so then after having lapsed. I just realllly do not know if I can do this another 4 weeks.

If I can't then I need to stop messing about and do RTM properly, rather then farting about every few days or feeling in fear of it at any time again - if I HAVE to go back to eating, I may as well do it with some sense. So I do not have long to decide. I either come off now as instructed, or I have to dig deeper then every and find something somewhere within to get by butt back in gear and finish this...... and I just don't know if I have it in me anyore.

Grrrrrr......somedays, I just realllly wish I could stay out of my head.

Any advice?? I feel a bit of a disaster at the moment. lol

xxx

Bless you! Talk about going through tough times making you stronger! I feel for you with the issues at work, I went through similar a few years ago, I'm the mouth piece at work, like you sticking up for the underdog, and suffered in a similar way. It got so bad I just used to keep my mouth shut, and I literally had to bite my lip to top the words coming out! In the end it settled down, but I made the decision that those who I knew had spoken behind my back? Well I made the agreement with myself not to assist them any more that I had to, I did my job, assisted when I needed too, but the extra mile I used to go I save for those I can trust and earn my respect. I did not and would do anything mean or spiteful, but I did have to smile when I got comments that 'normally' I would have done xyz, and saved their bacon, and why didn't I anymore? I answered carefully, I am focussing on my job, as I want to make sure I deliver a good service. Nothing they could say.

As far as beginning to get angry, you have had a succession of issues that you have dealt with at the time, or maybe thought you had, grief is such a strange thing and affects people in different ways. My mum died 12 years ago, not the same circumstances as you, however, it affected me deeply and does on occasion to this day. With your friend passing recently it stirs up feeling you thought you ad dealt with, and sometimes it manifests in anger. I know you have heard it before, but time does ease the pain. It might be worth speaking to your GP and see if they will refer you for counselling, I did 3 years ago, and it really help, similar to cbt, in LL but dealing with the other issues. It's just a thought.

I have really struggled since coming back from y when I did light for two weeks. I have not been 100% in any week since then, so tonight spoke to LLC and have moved to management, to allow me to eat, and not feel like I'm cheating and then having damaging thoughts of guilt about food.
Will start at the weekend, but the folder looks useful and the other stuff you get is good too.

I wanted to take the pressure off, , nearly 6 months, I thought I might like to lose another stone, but do you know what? I'm ready for food, if I get to the end of maintenance and am not happy, I can always do another week or 2 on total, but it's taken the pressure off so much I feel free!
I'm sure it's not going to be a walk in the park, total was great, no choices etc, now I have to think and for the rest of my life this will always be with me, but I know I and all of us will achieve it!

You know we are all here to support you through these darker days, keep your spirits up, be a bit selfish, self preservation goes a long way at work as well as personal life.
Hope you have a better day tomorrow, keep smiling sweetie
Jx

 

[EmVeg]

I haven't been on this site for AGES...and I doubt you'll even remember me, but I found myself on here after it popped up in a google search and decided to have a look at how you're getting on!

Reading your last post I thought it was possibly a time to say thank you, because you were an amazing motivation for me, and I honestly think you're diary, your story and your constant words of encouragement were a massive part in me reaching my goal weight two years ago. I'm no longer there, having had a baby 8 weeks ago, and have a couple stone to lose - BUT that doesn't matter.

You have done so well, and I wish the best of everything in the world.

 

[Clarabow]

Lot in your post BL, many things going on for you.

Sorry to hear about your friend. Alcohol is a sod of a thing( excuse my french), an insipid little thief that steals away many a good person whether their physical life or their well being. It is something I know I have to be careful with due to my addictive nature and issues in the family.

The anger you are feeling ... well sounds as if you have a fair bit to feel angry about to be honest. Also it could well be a manifestation of the grieving process, that is transferring to other areas of life. Agree with an earlier post that subsequent bereavements can highlight our original past traumas about loosing our beloved ones.

Work... well what can you say ! Take time to reflect on what has been said. The sense of betrayal is not nice, and can leave you feeling all at sea. Use it as a learning curve. Work is work, whilst you may be friendly with your colleagues they are at the end of the day not your friends, and have proved that. Your value and self esteeme does not have to rely on their approval or good opinion. You certainly do not have to be the one that champions their causes, esecially with so little thanks.

SB will probably come in with more considered advice lol Julz raised some valid points as well.

In relation to your journey on LL have no advice on that at all, not qualified to comment. lol

Keep fighting the good fight lovely girl xx

 

[MinnieMel]

I do know that sarcasm perhaps does not translate correctly between the states and here - I know our humour is very different historically - but generally, andything I say is usually meant dryly, for comic relief - not to be nasty.

Morning BL,

I do agree with you, I know that sometimes I have offended people when that was the last thing I had meant to do. Also, I have found that until my British neighbours, co-workers, etc. get "used" to my "Americanishness" -- I tend to come across as too loud, too aggressive, too outspoken, etc.

I had one co-worker tell another that I was "harsh". And, the second co-worker picked up a dictionay and read a defintion to her... and then asked, "Is this how you see her?" And the first co-worker said, "Exactly." The second one said, "Then, you are confusing being harsh with being honest. She is honest!" In some cultures, people just "suck it up" and complain to people who cannot make a difference. What a waste, but that is how it is.

If you have spoken the truth and it is a case of "killing the messenger" -- then let it wash over you and take it in stride. Listen to message sent -- and it was in all-liklihood meant to be helpful. In otherwords, what you are doing isn't working for us here and at this time.

Personally, as hard as it would be for me to bite my tounge, I would no longer pick up the standard and lead the fight, when your co-workers start something or you spot an injustice. I'd just look after myself and go about my business doing my job, as I am being asked to do it. And, if I find that too difficult to do... I'd start looking for a better fit.

Let your DH know that you need his support -- now is not the time for you two to be at odds.

I hope things look up soon.

I agree with Julz advice -- if not eating is not working then make the adjustment. You have been so inspirational to so many, me included.

Mel

 

[Debbi8489]

I feel for you with the issues at work, I went through similar a few years ago, I'm the mouth piece at work, like you sticking up for the underdog, and suffered in a similar way. It got so bad I just used to keep my mouth shut, and I literally had to bite my lip to top the words coming out! In the end it settled down, but I made the decision that those who I knew had spoken behind my back? Well I made the agreement with myself not to assist them any more that I had to, I did my job, assisted when I needed too, but the extra mile I used to go I save for those I can trust and earn my respect. I did not and would do anything mean or spiteful, but I did have to smile when I got comments that 'normally' I would have done xyz, and saved their bacon, and why didn't I anymore? I answered carefully, I am focussing on my job, as I want to make sure I deliver a good service. Nothing they could say.

You know we are all here to support you through these darker days, keep your spirits up, be a bit selfish, self preservation goes a long way at work as well as personal life.
Hope you have a better day tomorrow, keep smiling sweetie
Jx

Work... well what can you say ! Take time to reflect on what has been said. The sense of betrayal is not nice, and can leave you feeling all at sea. Use it as a learning curve. Work is work, whilst you may be friendly with your colleagues they are at the end of the day not your friends, and have proved that. Your value and self esteeme does not have to rely on their approval or good opinion. You certainly do not have to be the one that champions their causes, esecially with so little thanks.

If you have spoken the truth and it is a case of "killing the messenger" -- then let it wash over you and take it in stride. Listen to message sent -- and it was in all-liklihood meant to be helpful. In otherwords, what you are doing isn't working for us here and at this time.

Personally, as hard as it would be for me to bite my tounge, I would no longer pick up the standard and lead the fight, when your co-workers start something or you spot an injustice. I'd just look after myself and go about my business doing my job, as I am being asked to do it. And, if I find that too difficult to do... I'd start looking for a better fit.

Let your DH know that you need his support -- now is not the time for you two to be at odds.

Some wise words from some sage ladies BL. I have nothing more to add except my moral support. Work is work, feck the ungrateful gobshites who have abused your trust. You are worth so much better my love xx

 

[Blonde Logic]

So, I was just sitting here this morning, listening to music, and thinking, and realised I am sick of trying to figure me out. And I wonder why do I have to figure me out? I can;t figure halkf the population out - so why is it necessary I have all the answers??

It's hard work - too hard. I realise, how much time I have sat and dwelled and pondered on why I do things the way I do - why I act/react to things the way I do - what it all means - blah blah blah.

I just want to live - like we did when we were kids - when it all didn;t matter so much - we just did, and got on with life.

When and where and why does it all have to get so muddled up with answers??

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Do you think mid life crisis are real? Cause I think I am having one. lol But I dont want to sit here and think about it and wonder what it means!! LOL

I love the term one of you wise women said about my trouble at work (and thank you all for the great responses) and that was "let it wash over you". How do you do that? Seriously? I try and try but I get so wrapped up in details and feelings and emotions - Ugh.

See what I mean?? I am doing this morning what I am saying I wish I didn;t do.

Nevermind. Probably more later.

xxx

thansk for the ramble

 

[MinnieMel]

Morning BL --

You sound good --stronger today. I hope you enjoy the weekend.

So, I was just sitting here this morning, listening to music, and thinking, and realised I am sick of trying to figure me out. And I wonder why do I have to figure me out? I can't figure halk the population out - so why is it necessary I have all the answers??

It isn't necessary... I think you answer your own questions a bit further in the post.

It's hard work - too hard. I realise, how much time I have sat and dwelled and pondered on why I do things the way I do - why I act/react to things the way I do - what it all means - blah blah blah.

I just want to live - like we did when we were kids - when it all didn't matter so much - we just did, and got on with life.

Here's your answer: be more childlike. Loving, trusting, forgiving, accepting, less judgemental (especially of yourself), playful (I saw some of your lovely humour surface a bit further in this post ), and so forth. Kids let thing "Wash over them"... they know "what problems they own" and need to deal with, and "what problems belong to other people".

When and where and why does it all have to get so muddled up with answers??

It doesn't. You do not necessarily need answers or even action in all cases: if the problem is someone elses' then you can let it "wash over You", if the problem does not require "refelection" but "action", then you "do" but do not "dwell".

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, that is also genius. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Do you think mid life crisis are real?

Of course, it is only natural at certain points in your life to look at where you have been, what you have done and where/how you want to continue.


What I think happens is that too often we focus not on what we have accomplished, but on what we've not done. We look back and see the negatives, not the positives. Then, we look at the time we think we have left (because who really knows) and feel that "there isn't enough and that we've squandered our time, love, wealth, etc.".


I have often thought that instead of the cliche "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." It should be "Today is the best day, because its your life." I strive to make everyday -- THIS DAY the one I am living the best version of it that it can be.

That does not mean that I am going to throw responsility to the wind, etc. but what I am going to do... is put on my shoes and join my DD on the patio, "steal" her pogo stick and do a couple on jumps on it. With any luck -- she'll think it is funny and I won'hurt myself (too badly).

Cause I think I am having one. lol But I dont want to sit here and think about it and wonder what it means!! LOL

:8855: Progress!!! You can adjust your attitude (outlook) a lot easier than you can someone elses'.

I love the term one of you wise women said about my trouble at work (and thank you all for the great responses) and that was "let it wash over you".

Thank you for the "wise" comment -- but in truth, it is from Eastern philosophy and I was raised as an Unitarian. I recommend that you read some of the Dalai Lama's writings. As my sister's mouse pad reads: The Dalai Rocks!

How do you do that? Seriously? I try and try but I get so wrapped up in details and feelings and emotions - Ugh.

Not easy, but FAITH in many forms (yourself, human nature, karma, etc.) helps.

See what I mean?? I am doing this morning what I am saying I wish I didn't do.

I not think you are... I think that you are taking steps towards changing things.

Nevermind. Probably more later.

xxx

thansks for the ramble

As I said earlier -- try to enjoy today as best as you can. We do care and you are wonderful. Big Hugs!

Mel

 

[Clarabow]

Can I point you towards the midfullness stuff ... meditation state of being malarky that aims at siwtching off concious brain's what if' and's and maybe's. Might be an interesting place to start.

x

 

[MinnieMel]

Happy Sunday, BL --

The sun is fighting its way through the clouds here in Cambs, and I am so rooting for it!

I hope your weekend is going well.

Mel

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thanks ladies.

I would like to meditate - I have tried before, and was not very successful. Guided meditations I find are easier - but alone I find it near impossible to quiet the thoughts. No surprise there, ay? lol I know that is the point - to learn to - but its not my strong point. Maybe I will try again. I wish I were more spiritual - I was not raised with any type of religion, at while a teen I thught I was lucky, but I don't think it has helped me in the long run. I think not ever having that connection to anything at that level is partly what makes things like meditation, letting things wash over me, etc., that makes those things more difficult. I am only guessing here.

I am undecided at this point if I am going to start RTM. I will discuss with LLC tomorrow - but I am leaning towards it.

I am not done, or at the weight I want to be - but I just think I have reached my saturation level with LL - its not like WW or SW where repeating them is never as extreme - and maybe once relaly is enough- and I just think I have had enough. I would still like to lose at least 1 stone (this taking into account anything I will have gained from my lapses) If damage is not bad, then may be closer to a half a stone. I suppose I can grin and bear it and try to do it conventionally. It wont be the end of the world if it takes a bit longer. I just think I done with abstaining.

Decisions decisions.

I am anxious for hubby to come hoe - he gets hoe Wednesday. I enjoy the my-time I get but always about now I really start getting lonesome for him, so It will be nice to have him back.

Well, I hope everyone has a good day. I feel like there is something I should be doing, but aren;t - and won;t remember what ti was meant to be until its too late.

xx

 

[pandorasinbox]

Sorry you're struggling, BL! I've seen a lot of former maintainers try to return to food abstinence diets and find it difficult to even last a week, so you've done better than most!

A stone or half a stone isn't much - have you thought about doing a different ketogenic diet (With food) to try shift the last bit? I've heard good things about go lower.

 

[MinnieMel]

Evening BL,

You sound good. I am sure your LLC will be supportive of you.

Mel

 

[Blonde Logic]

Well, went to group, and damage was not as bad as expected - I only gained 5 pounds for my sins, and as most are from Carbs they will hopefully go away as quick as they came.

My LLC was supportive...and we agreed I will start RTM. But she didnt have the books, so I will just sort of wing it with a light meal each night and lots of salad for the first week. She felt as I was going to have to come off in 3-4 weeks in preperation of my surgery anyway, that this was th best option. If I did not have surgery pending, I think she would have pushed me to carry on, but she understood where I was at and supported it.

I am partially relieved and partially dissappointed in myself, about the way this went - but I am going to draw a line and move on.

Heyho. Was a good group again though. I asked if I can stay with this group as I know my head is not at goal yet. And that work we can continue and I get a lot from the group and their openness, etc., so she said no problem. I obviously wont discuss eating, and if I need to I can stay for the Maintainers group that follows.

So - there you have it.

WIsh I were happier about RTM then I am.

xx

 

[eatlikeabird]

Hi BL,
Preparing for your operation is a good thing, and has to be done. When you have healed you can deal with the few pounds you still want to lose. Low carb diets are possible and you have maintained so long that you know what to do. Good that you will be continuing with your group, sounds like you get some important work done in the group. I think we have barely touched on my emotional eating issues yet in group, good that the break from food has my head in a good place. Long may it continue.

 

[MinnieMel]

Evening BL --

Your LLC sounds fab! I have the books if you want to PM me with your address I will post them to you.

Wish I were happier about RTM then I am.

You will be once you see that it is working for you.

Mel