Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

Jezzzzzzz<<<<<<<<<hugs>>>>>>>>> It is so good to hear about you - there have been a lot fo days I have worried and wondered what happened. I figured it must have been something big, and I am so so sorry to read what it was. Sincerely condolences on the loss of your father. I am really so sorry.

It just goes to show you that there truly are some things in life bigger than our resolve. So turning back to our old reliable comfort is so understandable. I knew at the time I was doing that but it didn;t matter - survival is first - then diet. ;)

I have just started to feel like I am coming out the other side of the rough times that preceded and followed moms death. It's hard to say I am feeling happy again - to let go of grief is sometimes as hard as embracing it. But I am coming out the other side and it feels marvelous.

I am so glad to see you back.

I cannot recall when you dropped off of MM's - were you aware SB has been poorly?

So good to hear from you again. I often think about our wander through Borough market - we must do that again one day!!

xxxx
 
Hugzzzzzzzzzzzz backatcha BL!! I read your diary last night and caught up on whats been going on with you, so much of what you have gone through resonated with me. Your comment about "survival first" just really hit home. I also was fully conscious of what I was doing at the time, and for that moment I just didn't care !! I could hear all those LL voices in my head talking about rebellious child and knowing I should make adult choices etc but the child was just so lost and angry that it threw the mother of all strops and I went with the food. It did comfort me in a lot of ways, it did medicate me as it used to, but I will at least credit myself, and every single one of us who goes off track and gets back on the path again with having learnt enough to eventually put a stop to it. More than I would have done before. I think the fact that I was so very controlled for so long after LL didnt help either as I had never just "let go" with food. I did notice thougth how i went straight back to old favorites - wine, pasta, bread, healthy things which I love now went right out the window. I am not sure where I am in this whole grieving process, lots of people have said to me it takes at least 2 years. I was the one who - like yourself - had to be strong for everyone else, infact I just felt numb throughout the entire thing, the funeral was a few days before xmas and it was such a hard time, thankfully I now dont' seem to remember too much of it all. I then went straight back to work and threw myself into that (possibly as a means of escape, who knows?) So I didnt feel I ever had the time to stop and process my feelings about it all. I have good days, bad days, and so it goes. Sometimes the pain is overwhelming and sometimes it's a pain I feel I can live with. We have recently got my Mom moved closer to us as Yorkshire was just too far away, its a big adjustment for us all ( she had a terrible time, was bullied at work, lost her job etc after my Dad died) and I think also for the first time she is starting to feel like there might be a small light at the end of the tunnel. I am doing counciling now and then, and trying now to take time to think and work out how I feel. I did a wonderful Shamanic day where we did something called "soul retrieval" and then worked with our ancestry to look at our lineage to see how we fitted in, in our place in this world. I found it really helpful. Did you ever have any thoughts further on your spirituality? I find mine evolves as I do and it does bring some comfort to me, though I do not have a specific set of conventional beliefs - rather I have taken bits from many different faiths which I feel are particularly applicable to me. I am more focussed than I have ever been on packs since the first time, the funny thing is though, as it isn't ever an massive amount to loose like the first time, after a while your brain does start to say, "what the hell are you doing here" to the rest of the world you look normal and nobody would be calling you names in the street for being fat. But I guess its just trying to find a place where I feel comfortable. I read about your milk dillemmas in previous posts, and I do have a bit of skimmed milk in a cup of tea occasionally if I feel the need, however it hasn't seemed to make me want to lapse. I think as long as I set myself a set of limits then that works for me, never more than 1 cup in a day and not more than 3 times in a week. Maybe I am all about the boundaries??? Please update me on SB, does she still post here, send her my love if you speak to her, and yes, we must visit the markets again one day. I am hoping that by Xmas I will have done my re feeding and be back on most conventional foods, so perhaps we could do the fabulous Xmas markets?? Big hugs my friend, as ever your posts are inspirational and remind me of why we are inn this and that we can do this!!

Jez
 
Hi.

Giref....ugh....there is no rule book I found, and it takes as long as it takes. When my dad died in 1993, y world as I knew it was changed forever - he was far too young as was I. I did not grieve wll at all and was greiving more then 10 years. It was awful. But like you, I had a business tor un, so I went straight back to work the day after the funeral.....and subsequently ran my business in to the ground. I was in no poisition to have been running a business,t hat's for sure. Because I never greivedm properly I feel is why I grieved for so long - so please don;t make that mistake - thought I completely understand everything you said. It is just so hard, and I have found that you never truly get over the loss of a loved one - and really that is no surprise - why would you?? - but what you do get, is better at hiding it. ;)

It's the most horrible part of life. Moms accident was so tragic and unnecessary - and she suffered so - that made it difficult, but I have had counseling twice - and very precise treatment the second time around and it has helped immensely. It has been about 2.5 years since she diet - so 2 years does sound reasonable.

I will PM you later about Debbie. Must get back to work now....it's just so good to hear from you again!! :)

xxxxxx

How is your sister doing? (Emma? Emily? Sorry - my bad memory!) Has she been successful like you in maintaining? (I don;t count what we are doing as failure - we are merely now manageing our weight. We gained - we are dealing with it. Hence, we are still maintaining it. :D)

xxx
 
Hi BL...another bad penny that's bad :) I kinda lost the plot a while ago and didnt reign things in when I should have. Hey ho...its all a learning curve eh?
 
Grief, yes it is such a funny thing, well not funny really truth be told, it seems to come and go in huge waves, and sometimes the loss seems overwhelming!! Recently I have been going through a very hard time at work, anf I just wished he was around because he was my biggest supporter and also knew just what to do in these circumstances. But on other days im ok with it all, I was tidying the book case and opened a book to flick through it and found a note he had written me years ago that I must have slipped in there,kind of the perfect message for that day for me. And I managed to laugh and think how great it was that he was still looking out for me so to speak. I have had a couple of odd occurrences where things have happend that I cannot logically explain so that also gives me comfort knowing that there is something more after we go. At the time of his death I had a moment of great spiritual awakening, where it all made sense somehow, so I guess in time it all will in the earlthy realm so to speak.Sorry to babble and sorry if this brings up hard memories for you, but I guess it is the first time I have really spoken about it - or rather put it down in words. I am feeling quite proud of myself though, have been really poorly with a sinus and chest infection the past few days, and havent gone off plan once! Something must be right in my head somewhere. I did however look into Slim and Save that I saw on here, had a look at the website and they have some fantastic meals, bars, shakes etc, and it is half the price of LL infact less than half. I ordered 28 days worth, to mix it up with the LL packs for a bit of variety, funny it feels like Xmas!!!! From what I have read on their forum on here, the packs are made in the same factory as LL, and having looked at their webby, its the same calorific value as the LL packs. Have you looked into it at all? might be a help in these final stages to just have a bit more variety. I am just so excited about getting back where I want to be, as I havent been there for about a year, and it will feel marvellous. I treated myself to some cute new boots today and a lovely winter coat, back in my usual size, so its just fitting right now, but its a bit snug, I also treated myself to a gorgeous leather jacket, very vintage biker style a few weeks ago, did that old trick of buying it way to small at the time, so it gives me something to work towards - It just fits now but again is snug, so cannot wait to wear it out!!! I just wish I had a fabulous xmas party to look forward to so I could really dress up. I am planning to make this xmas a really special one after last year was just so hard. I want to go to Winter Wonderland, and enjoy Oxford Street, see the lights, go to a Carol service and treasure this as a time for friends and family. Speaking of Friends and Family, we usually celebrate Canadian thanksgiving with my Canadian friend Brenley, but she is away for those dates this year, and so , instead we are going to celebrate American Thanksgiving. It would be really fantastic if you and your hubby could join us. It is a celebration I have really started to enjoy and a tradition I love keeping now, as we do all always have so much to be thankful for. I also seem to be going through this weird life "spring clean" at the moment. Getting my life back on track, really looking at negative habits and bad mind talk, I have repainted, and am stripping the house from top to bottom and trying to dejunk, Have even thrown away some clothes!! I just really want a fresh start and to go forward on a positive note. Cannot wait to hear from you again, am really feeling inspired and positive now, even though I have had to skip class tonight, beacuse of being unewell, I will be popping in tomorrow eve to pick up more packs and weigh in. Shall report results when I have them. Big kisses honey.

J
xx
 
Gosh! A weekend away for me and looks like you have been having a party with a blast from the past Mini friends BL!! That's fab! I certainly remember the names as I was a secret stalker on the LL forum when I first joined!

It is so lovely to read everyone's post and how they all remember you BL an inspiration! x
 
Grrrr...that wonderful steely resolve I had last week is waning. After all that good behaviour, I gained 1 pound. All those weeks of naughty behaviour, I actually never gained - always lost a pound. How bizarre - and gutting. But hey ho - I should have to pay a penalty - it just would have been easier to swallow had it been on a week I was messing about - not one I was trying so hard!!!

it has made my grasp on the resolve wobble a lot. I know I am running out of patience but I still have a stone and a haalf at least to go - I need to get this done.

I realy hope I never have to do this again. lol

Hope everyone else is good. :)

xxx
 
Debbi8489 said:
Hi BL...another bad penny that's bad :) I kinda lost the plot a while ago and didnt reign things in when I should have. Hey ho...its all a learning curve eh?
Click to expand...

Hi Debbie! :) There certainly is a learning curve - and one that I think ill always be in my life! lol Sad, but true. :) You keeping well? :) xx
 
Blonde Logic said:
Hi Debbie! :) There certainly is a learning curve - and one that I think ill always be in my life! lol Sad, but true. :) You keeping well? :) xx
Click to expand...

I am very well thanks. I lost my Nana in June so there was a lot of comfort eating going on. Scary how easy it was to fall into that trap. We got a puppy soon after, a little rescue boy, who is as cute as a button. He takes up a lot of my time & my C25K training went out of the window.

So, loads going on but it's nice to be back to 'normal' xx
 
Keep going, BL. You CAN do this!

On the subject of grief... I lost my sister very suddenly (undiagnosed brain tumour) when I was fourteen (she was 19), just before Christmas, and at the time my Dad was in intensive care after heart bypass surgery and almost died too. He survived another four years but tortured himself with guilt over the fact his daughter had died before him.

Anyway - every Christmas it hits me afresh. I can't always predict what will trigger it (apart from "So here it is - Merry Christmas - everybody's having fun" - which makes me feel ill because it was playing on the taxi radio when Mum and I drove home after my sister's life support was switched off). I have accepted the grief. It's part of who I am. To a certain extent it's shaped the person I've become. But it still hurts. I still long for my big sister and my Daddy. I've found that accepting it and not trying to hide the feelings with alcohol or sugar (or both) is ok. It takes a longggggg time though. It's over 20 years ago now and it's still painful. I think it always will be.

Sorry to ramble on - but wanted to share that I can really empathise with the grief journey. It's a long road.
 
Well its a Friday night and I suppose I should be out on the tiles doing something fabulous!! Lol so not the case tonight though it is windy, raining and damn miserable so it's a night at home on the couch with the cats and the telly! Oh what a rock and roll lifestyle we lead in London :) I was pleased it was a 4lb loss this week, though according to my scales it was 5lbs, not sure if I like this late at night weighing in, am in an 8pm class currently and Usually was in a 6pm or a Saturday Morning group. I make sure I only have 1 pack before class then have to have 3 when I get home, not ideal but hey ho. Still also not sure how much further to go, I want to do at least another stone, but then realistically I am just even and should do another half a stone to get back to my ideal weight, ie the weight I got down to the first time I did LL which is 57kg might be a little low but at least it would give me a small buffer before Xmas - does that sound bad??? Surely I should be planning to put no weight on, not planning for an over indulgence. Not that i want to go wild, but I certainly don't want to feel guilty every time I put anything in my mouth. I wish the guilt would go, it never has. Must be more messed up in the head than I thought. I got a few slim and save packs to mix things up a bit and they are certainly as delicious as everyone has said, BL would it not be an idea to try a few other packs (half the price of LL too ) just to alleviate the boredom of same old same old? I hope the week has been going ok for you. Looking forward to hearing your news my friend.

Big kiss

J
xx

PS Deb and Spangly nice to hear from you and Spangly your thoughts on grief are very interesting indeed, I guess we just learn to live with it but sometimes it comes back and hits us hard.
 
Gooooood morning Viet Nam....... or, Minimins, as they case may be! :D

Well, my week spiraled out of control. I think I am just bored to death of the diet, and at the worst time - the last elusive stone. ARGH. I just keep messing about!!!

I decided - do I want to stop? Or do I want to finish? I am happy where I am, but I am not done. So no - I do not want to stop. I simply cannot be happy until I get back to where I worked so hard to get too. It really does feel as if the last couple of years broke the spell Iw as under when determination was so strong and nothing would waver me.

Mixing it up a bit with slim and save is not a bad idea. I will look in to it. :)

Jez, I am doing CD now - I simply could not ask my husband to budget us for another round at 70+ per week. It didn't feel fair so I am going the CD route now. :) So cost not so important at this stage - what is important is gaining back my steely resolve!!! I miss it so!

I decided, and I hope someowhat logically and in an adult mode, to do Step 2 the rest of this week, which is like LLLite I just need to eat something HEALTHY to get rid of the cravings for sugar and carbs that I have now after messing about. It is not a key to the cookie jar, but hopefully enough to break the bordom, trick my body into thinking sthe starvation is over so may kick up the metabolism, and then hopefull give me a few days guilt free to get my head back in the right place to tackle the final stone. Its so frustrating!

And I am putting too much pressure on myself as I have a holiday the end of november and then xmas.....I just need to take a wee break. I know that is not necisarily anything I would advise anyone to do but it is what I need to do. I needed to put some healthy food in the house so that hen I grab something its not rubbish. Amazing how one bite of sugar opens up the addictive pathways.....

Anyway - I shall overcome!! I will beat this bugger if its the last thing I do, dammit!! LOL

I will read your article Jez.....I am glad you are doing so well and almost done.

And I fully agree - grief never goes away - we just learn where to put it when people are looking. How could it ever go away? You love someone so much - and then they are gone forever - one wouldn't 'get over' that - ya know? And it's a tribute to those lost, it shows how important they were.....its just such a difficult part of life.

I would rather live life backwards, - start out old and infirm - then get younger and happier and healthy and then spend the last years of live playing. Works for me!! LOL

Anyway - enough pre coffee babble - have a wonderful day everyone!!!

Big love to everyone! :)

xxxxxxx
 
Great post, BL.

You're nearly there. You need to get there, then decide if that is where you want to stay.
 
Hi BL :)

would recommend S&S. the bars taste good, I like the variety of meal packs and I can make a decent pudding from the crispy shakes. If you've only got a stone to lose could you convince you're raging inner toddler that you will find something it likes to eat, but you are staying strictly on the diet for the next 5 weeks.

i was losing the will, but that was because I'd lost a sizeable amount of weight so the urgency isn't there and I look okay. But I've still got 2 stones to lose because I too want to get back down to the weight I was before, it's the difference between 'okay' and 'wow!'. Now my face is showing more wear (3 years of interrupted sleep are now showing lol!) I want a nice bum :)

anyway, I bit the bullet and instead of struggling on with no bars and packets I'm not keen on, I bought another lot of stuff in and now have all the bars, crispy shakes and food packs I like, that and lean meats and green veg and I'm set for many weeks to come.

I do not want to be on this diet forever, but at least this way I at least enjoy the food while I am on it

you can do it, find out what ever it is u need to do.
 
Last edited:
Heya BL,

Have to say I really agree with what Angie said. The S&S packs really are a bit of a life saver, especially at this point when there isn't much more to go, its been a while and actually nobody would be looking at you and caling you huge. I like you want to get back to where I got the first time round, havent been there for a year or so. I find that mixing it up with the LL packs makes it more interesting, and the little bit of veg really does make it more interesting. Also I think it will be easier when it is time to do a bit of re-feeding. Of the few packs and bars that I have tried , there hasn't been one that is not totally delicious. The meal packs are a bit spicier than the LL ones, so you feel like you have had a bit more than sustenance. Tonight for eg I am going to have the curry but pop in a bit of courgette, broccoli, spring onion, I pop a bit of spring onion and green pepper in the chilli etc. Haven't tried the curry before so will let you know how it is. My sis has been using the packs so has tried most of them and loved them all. Another thing is to try some of the diet drinks that don't take you out of ketosis - I read about them on some sports forums, and S&S seem to advocate the same ones I found out about. I dont have much but an occasional bit really helps to make you feel that you are doinga more "normal" diet plan. Coke Zero, Diet Dr Pepper there are a few of the flavoured waters, and Sainsbury's has some own brand drinks which are cheap and also don't contain the citric acid. Well I got a new scale yesterday, the WW one which does BMI, Body Fat, Body water percentage and weight! Quite helpful, will see how it compares to LLC's scale, I always seem to be about 1kg less at home, so that is the scale I am using for my goal weight, which is what I used first time. How long a maintenance are you planning to do? I doubt I will do 8 full weeks which is what the new LL one seems to be. Anyway class is at 8pm (do hate the late classes though it is a nice group) so will report back later. Hope you are doing ok, Please PM re SB.

Kiss Kiss

j
xx
 
So, WI and a measly 2pounds but it was 3 on my scale and it is TOTM so I guess next week will be better. Silly I guess, as anybody on WW would be overjoyed at a 2lb loss, and realistically it is 2lb less than this time last week so yay, go me!! Just irritated as it puts goal that much futher off so to speak...... Tomorrow another day and another dollar and another 4 packs!!

J
xx
 
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U£$U)*("&)&£$%)_!("£)!"+)$%^£%^&^%!"£

Good grief. I barely have the nerve to confess what I am about to confess – but maybe public naming and shaming will help keep my naughty arse on track.

I totally LOST THE PLOT last week. I mean, REALLY lost the plot. Then I tried to do the Step 2 to make it easier, and when I said my CDC jokingly commented that this was not the “Key to the Cookie Jar” – WELL – I do believe I have proved her wrong, and that I did in fact have the key to the cookie jar. And the bread bin. And the sweets box. And the perpetual table of sins at work. And just about anything else I could get my greedy little paws on it.

I felt by Monday I had gotten WAHTEVER it was, out of my system.

And I should hope so TOO!!!!!

Do you want to guess how much I gained? Go on – I dare you! Though I know you will all be polite. J Well, I won’t – I gained a freakin ELEVEN pounds!!!! How does ONE person do that in ONE week, without going on a drinking holiday!!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I am SOOOOOO mad at myself. Completely and utterly disgusted. What complete and inexcusable behaviour. So – I am so freaked out now, I don’t think I will put anything in my mouth again!! LOL What a stupid, stupid uber rebellious petulant greedy little child!!! LOL

:break_diet::break_diet::break_diet::break_diet::break_diet::break_diet:

I have GOT to get my mojo back!!! I only had ONE and a half stone to lose!! NOW – I have nearly TWO and a half to lose!!!! Spank me now!

As most of my binge was Carb based, I am HOPING that much of this goes as quickly as it came on. Needless to say, I was truly shocked – I knoew it would be bad, but never imagined that was even possible!!!! Sheesh.

Bad bad BAD Jan. <sigh>

Go on – kick me. :D
 
Consider yourself kicked!

Now, do what you do and the carb boat with the associated water will go.

It's good you've stopped -- and it's just a little detour.
 
Agree with Mel it was a detour notwithstanding that BL DON'T do it again!! x Okay, you know I have never done LL and I whilst I get this head thing of the petulant child talking, shouting screaming or whatever in one's head what I don't like about LL (having read various things about the counselling and heard things from ex colleagues whom have done it in the past) is that we are NOT children. I believe calling that "voice" in one's head trivializes the subconscious part of the brain that tell the other part of our brain it needs foodetc. So I don't think the LL counselling would work for me may be it isn't working as well for you now as it did in the past? I've never hidden the fact that I have always been cynical about counselling CBT self help books etc BUT I do understand and respect they do work very well for some. I was also cynical about Brain over binge and it wasnt' towards the end I thought, no this makes sense. Of course we can call that little voice in our heads or lower part of the brain anything from child, monster, animal the beast BUT it is what works for us at a particular moment in time.

The point I am getting to in a very long winded way is BL try something different. I know I keep banging on about this brain over binge book on amazon that one can downloand to ipad, iphone kindle etc. Her explanations of how the brain works really have got me to day 38 today and I've spent months and months on an on off cycle. I'm not saying it will stop overeating or bingeing overnight, especially as i had a blip the other day when I had an extra bar, pack and ate far too big a portion of chicken and salad to the point I was stuffed. Ok comparatively I gained about a pound overnight.

Glad you have vented on Mini's because the danger as we know is we can disappear for a while and allow this "detour" to become longer and before we know it that 11 pounds gain (half of which will not be fat fat) has become 20 pounds. This is a positive BL that you are back! Have a fab day and as ever sending good good vibes your way. x
 
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