how do you lose 2 thirds of your self?

[broadsbean]

ok this is officially one of my posts that comes with a self indulgent rant wingey whine posts to try and get my self to focus. Read at your own risk:sigh:

:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:

I am sat here crying am so angry and disappointed in my self

i fell off my wagon and have spent 2 hours binging, no other word to describe me, don't really understand what triggered it just know i certainly don't feel better i just feel like c***.
i have not done this for weeks, months in fact and am recieving so much help i am at a loss to explain what got in to me

i am such a bloody idiot
i feel physically sick and i haven't even eaten anything normal which is classic binge behaviour for me. prunes and chicken nuggets

i am done !!!!! if i tell myself this enougth i may well believe it.

i thought i was over this and am so angry
At times i truly hate myself

 

[Lily42uk]

Hey Sweetie, don't be so hard on yourself, who said this slimming business was going to be easy and who said you'd always be able to resist everything...although you're right prunes and nuggets would be a bit strange to me lol..but it's what takes your fancy.
I doubt there is a person on this planet that hasn't binged at some point in their life and a whole lot worse than you just did...I was talking to my neighbour the other day...and I swear she makes a matchstick look fat, she is a size 6 and is 5ft 8 ....I asked her if she ever really binged or just ate for the sake of it and she said yeah loads of times, but the difference is that she had her binge didn't feel bad about it, and then just carried on as before and I truly believe that's the bit that's the difference between being over weight and not...my hubby does the same binges on rubbish all the time but once he's had his binge leaves it alone and eats normally and doesn't feel bad or go off on one at himself, just accepts that from time to time he will do that, me when I have a binge (this should really be in the past tense as I have learnt to just go with it sometimes and just draw that line), I feel so bad that I continue to do the same thing over and over never just say oh ok as from now we'll start again, we always focus on the guilt and that's what we have to get over, and then when we feel guilty we then think damn buggered up this week so might as well start afresh next Monday or whenever, no do it immediately...You have done the best thing,had your cry, written it down, in my opinion doing that makes you focus more, if you don't say or write it out, I believe you can just sweep it under the carpet, this way you have to really look at what you've done....plus it could all be psychological, not having the scales to keep you in check won't help...can you borrow scales till you get your new ones?
:bighug: don't be hard on yourself sweetie, you'd be saying the same to me if it were my turn and I have no doubt that I will have another turn ..my last one being about a 6 weeks ago xxxx

 

[JackieN]

oh sweetheart :bighug: no more beating yourself up about this. We all do it. All of us. Not being able to weigh won't have helped it doesnt set us up to succeed that week

draw a line, move on, carry on on plan, no more making yourself miserable sweetie dust yourself off hold that head high and carry on. You will succeed. Nobody said it would be an easy journey and it so isn't but we are going to get there, all of us, do you know why? because we have each other, to help, support and listen. We will all get there :bighug: xxxxxx

 

[Carriegirl21]

ok this is officially one of my posts that comes with a self indulgent rant wingey whine posts to try and get my self to focus. Read at your own risk:sigh:

:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:

I am sat here crying am so angry and disappointed in my self

i fell off my wagon and have spent 2 hours binging, no other word to describe me, don't really understand what triggered it just know i certainly don't feel better i just feel like c***.
i have not done this for weeks, months in fact and am recieving so much help i am at a loss to explain what got in to me

i am such a bloody idiot
i feel physically sick and i haven't even eaten anything normal which is classic binge behaviour for me. prunes and chicken nuggets

i am done !!!!! if i tell myself this enougth i may well believe it.

i thought i was over this and am so angry
At times i truly hate myself

I felt just like this earlier this week & was in pure self hatred - feel like I'm getting so much support but somehow it still happened. Mine was triggered by an esspecially hard therapy session but only now, days after, can I see that clearly.
I don't know if you know what triggered it but just by coming on here & writing it down you have done an amazing thing for yourself - we need to share the bad times just as much as the good - sending you a huge ((big hug)) & letting you know that you will get past this & you are not alone

CGx
Sent from my HTC Wildfire using MiniMins

 

[broadsbean]

lily, jackie and carrie thank you,:wave_cry: as always people on here talk so much sense
i have picked myself up and drawn a line,
walked the dog, made hubby a casserole for his tea and made a big pan of lentil and bacon soup.
If i should stop feeling sick i will have it for tea, syn free and tasty

Distraction always the best policy.
walking the dog in the wind blew away the dark clouds
she made me laugh by trying to catch seagulls !!

Cos by nature i am usually quite a positive person, not the negetive one i portray on here, i can see the funny side of my binge now firstly the mix chicken nuggets and prunes !
secondly i suspect 200g of prunes will more than likely give me some fabulous body magic running up and down the stairs :8855::8855:

It won't just be windy outside by tomorrow:8855::8855:

So thank you again ladies for listening to me vent xxxx:thankyou:

 

[JackieN]

sweetheart you vent anytime. Guess the logic was scoff the nuggets and the prunes will take care of it :8855: :bighug:

I reckon you will still got a loss when you weigh especially if the prunes outweighed the nuggets

well done on walking the dog again its good for clearing the head or so I find , even when walking princess barky knickers :8855:

take care sweetie xxxxx

 

[LoChan1984]

:bighug:Glad you've perked up since the food hiccup hun, and indeed chicken nuggets and prunes is so bloody random lol Still, protein and fibre, good stuff

Does sound like the counselling session could have set it off? Turning to bingeing for comfort is a very hard habit to move away from so don't beat yourself up about tripping over once in a while

Good to hear Libby getting plenty of exercise - make you both happy and healthy x

 

[broadsbean]

:bighug:Glad you've perked up since the food hiccup hun, and indeed chicken nuggets and prunes is so bloody random lol Still, protein and fibre, good stuff

Does sound like the counselling session could have set it off? Turning to bingeing for comfort is a very hard habit to move away from so don't beat yourself up about tripping over once in a while

Good to hear Libby getting plenty of exercise - make you both happy and healthy x

I think the counselling session definetly set me off, it almost did last week. that, the death of the scales and the apparrent 18lb gain all undoubtedly set off my self hate which always ends in overeating.
There are things from the session i need to address with my hubby and it probably won't be a comfortable conversation.
I have built our relationship on him needing me, in order to boost my selfesteme (sp). I treat him like i treat the kids, i mother him and he is content to allow me to do that. I now need to change the balance, i need him to growup and take on more responsibility and to maybe look after me for a bit. Like most people on here i find it very difficult to put my self first, i never feel important enougth to be put first and it seems very selfish of me to expect it.
I just know he is going to take it personally and we will end up with me hugging him and telling him to ignore me i am a fruitloop etc and convincing him he is fab so as not to damage his selfesteme.
rows in our house always end that way.
need to have the convo soon but don't know how to broach it:sigh:

some days i wish i had never started this

 

[Lily42uk]

lily, jackie and carrie thank you,:wave_cry: as always people on here talk so much sense
i have picked myself up and drawn a line,
walked the dog, made hubby a casserole for his tea and made a big pan of lentil and bacon soup.
If i should stop feeling sick i will have it for tea, syn free and tasty

Distraction always the best policy.
walking the dog in the wind blew away the dark clouds
she made me laugh by trying to catch seagulls !!

Cos by nature i am usually quite a positive person, not the negetive one i portray on here, i can see the funny side of my binge now firstly the mix chicken nuggets and prunes !
secondly i suspect 200g of prunes will more than likely give me some fabulous body magic running up and down the stairs :8855::8855:

It won't just be windy outside by tomorrow:8855::8855:

So thank you again ladies for listening to me vent xxxx:thankyou:

The combination of what you chose to binge on really baffled me and even made me :giggle:, but I suspect as has been said one will definitely aid the negativity of the other :8855:

I think the counselling session definetly set me off, it almost did last week. that, the death of the scales and the apparrent 18lb gain all undoubtedly set off my self hate which always ends in overeating.
There are things from the session i need to address with my hubby and it probably won't be a comfortable conversation.
I have built our relationship on him needing me, in order to boost my selfesteme (sp). I treat him like i treat the kids, i mother him and he is content to allow me to do that. I now need to change the balance, i need him to growup and take on more responsibility and to maybe look after me for a bit. Like most people on here i find it very difficult to put my self first, i never feel important enougth to be put first and it seems very selfish of me to expect it.
I just know he is going to take it personally and we will end up with me hugging him and telling him to ignore me i am a fruitloop etc and convincing him he is fab so as not to damage his selfesteme.
rows in our house always end that way.
need to have the convo soon but don't know how to broach it:sigh:

some days i wish i had never started this

Ditto ....I still mother Mal ...in fact I know that's a lot of the reason why he married me and why our relationship (he has been married before more than once ) works and the others didn't.
You are not being selfish putting yourself first, you deserve it just as much as anyone else. As hard as the counselling is and I truly understand where you are at, it will work eventually,not without a few ups and downs as you have found out, if you are willing to carry on embracing the process.
I have /am sorting my life out in every way...I can't remember where I read it (I read hundreds of books about this kind of thing), but I read a passage in a book where they suggested you stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful and worth it, basically learning to love and appreciate yourself...when I first did it I felt daft and stood saying those sentences while pulling the most stupid faces, but now I do it everyday and I believe it ....which in the long run has helped me to overcome my a) self loathing and b) allowed me to stand up and say I am worth putting myself first and in turn has resulted in my whole family, not just Mal taking me less for granted and actually listening and taking on board what I have to say
Good luck hun, I think you are just going to have to take the bull by the horn and run with it, but try not to back down and resort to type ...stand up and be strong ...YOU ARE SO WORTH IT :hug99: xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[broadsbean]

thanks lily, i will do it soon cos other wise it will fester !!

i am always concious of how much i winge on here!!!

but i am using it as my sounding board while i get things straight in my head !!
didn't sleep well last night and have been doing a lot of thinking (very dangerous pass time for me )

i have lost my confidence in my scales so i think when i get my new ones i am going to have a new start reset my totals etc. I know i haven't gained 18lb but its now stuck in my head . wondering if that initial 15lb was genuine or if that was a scale malfunction so i think rather than dwell on it i should eradicate it.
It isn't about the no's its about how i feel. hubby is doing the same thing as me and has lost 2 st himself so i must be losing, my clothes are looser and i have cheek bones thats whats important

so opinions, what do you think guys ?

 

[broadsbean]

food diary for yesterday and to day as a reminder

yesterday

B egg, bacon, mushrooms and toast (hexb)

L/ mini binge !!!!!!

8 chicken nuggets ( 100% breast meat baked not fried) 200g dried prunes
2 slices white toast with flora !!!!!!
not even going to attempt to syn it drawing that line ----------------

nothing else for rest of day cos felt soooooooooo sick and guilty

today

B 2 boiled eggs, 2 slices wholemeal toast (hex b + hex a )

L bowl of lentil and bacon soup, banana and hand full of grapes.

T home made 5 bean chilli ( no rice )
0% greek yog and mango chunks


not used any syns today or planned any but will update if i use any xx

scales only showing an 8lb gain today !!!!!!

 

[tillymax]

I think I would get the new scales and if they show a gain I would add the gain to your start weight as well as the weight you've already lost. That way you've still lost the same amount of weight.

I wish I'd done this when I got mine. I just added the weight gain onto the weight I'd already lost so it looked like I hadn't lost as much. I think it messed my head up a bit cos I felt as though I was losing the same weight all over again.

Did the counsellour give you any ideas or hints on how to discuss the subject with your husband?

 

[Lily42uk]

I agree with Tilly, add it to your start weight if they show a gain at all, new scales might and probably will weigh differently mine did, although only by about 1lb
And hun, you don't sound like a whinge to me, you sound like a strong lady that's having some problems and is fighting back with all your strength, long may you continue to do so and we are here to help if we can xxxxxxxx

 

[broadsbean]

I think I would get the new scales and if they show a gain I would add the gain to your start weight as well as the weight you've already lost. That way you've still lost the same amount of weight.

I wish I'd done this when I got mine. I just added the weight gain onto the weight I'd already lost so it looked like I hadn't lost as much. I think it messed my head up a bit cos I felt as though I was losing the same weight all over again.

Did the counsellour give you any ideas or hints on how to discuss the subject with your husband?

tilly your a genius i hadn't even thought about that !!!!!:d'oh:

i genuinely not sure if the starting weight was ever right cos the scales have been so tempramental so thats the obvious thing to do
thankyou xxxxx

counsellers advice was to be honest, if he loves me for the right reasons he will understand xx she also said i needed to be direct and stand my ground believing i am not asking for anything i don't deserve.

the saying " if you do what you always do, you will get what you've always got" springs to mind

 

[broadsbean]

I agree with Tilly, add it to your start weight if they show a gain at all, new scales might and probably will weigh differently mine did, although only by about 1lb
And hun, you don't sound like a whinge to me, you sound like a strong lady that's having some problems and is fighting back with all your strength, long may you continue to do so and we are here to help if we can xxxxxxxx

as i have just replied to tilly i now doubt they have ever been right they are quite old so will increase both cos i have quite obviously lost and don't want to feel like i am starting over again

As always somebody comes along with a brilliant suggestion on here where would i be without you all xxxx

 

[Lily42uk]

We could say the same about you and I for one do....my life wouldn't be complete without you in it...not any more ...funny I don't actually know you but I think I know more than if we had actually met and vice versa (you know more about me), it's the anonymity that has helped us to be more honest and open and I love it, I can say things to you all that I would never dream of saying to people I know, that way I can leave my problems on here and 99.9% of the time come back and there is the answer...I really do love you guys xxxxx

 

[JackieN]

we obviously all mother them as I do too

Mandy - get new scales please and no more getting on your defunct pair from this second onwards. they are no good bin them... wait for the new pair please sweetie as they are not helping.

One thing that can help is affirmations. A very good one is 'I love and approve of myself' there are hundreds and you just need the right ones for you but I found and I still use them sometimes, they really helped me to think more highly of myself. Sounds odd I know

I think you just discuss the counselling session and let it all out in the 'discussion' perfect :bighug:

Just remember sweetie this is your diary, your sounding board, and we are your friends. We are here for you every step of the way holding your hand, giving you a hug, whatever you need xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[LoChan1984]

I think the counselling session definetly set me off, it almost did last week. that, the death of the scales and the apparrent 18lb gain all undoubtedly set off my self hate which always ends in overeating.
There are things from the session i need to address with my hubby and it probably won't be a comfortable conversation.
I have built our relationship on him needing me, in order to boost my selfesteme (sp). I treat him like i treat the kids, i mother him and he is content to allow me to do that. I now need to change the balance, i need him to growup and take on more responsibility and to maybe look after me for a bit. Like most people on here i find it very difficult to put my self first, i never feel important enougth to be put first and it seems very selfish of me to expect it.
I just know he is going to take it personally and we will end up with me hugging him and telling him to ignore me i am a fruitloop etc and convincing him he is fab so as not to damage his selfesteme.
rows in our house always end that way.
need to have the convo soon but don't know how to broach it:sigh:

some days i wish i had never started this

Definitely sounds like readdressing the balance is a good idea. I'd probably be tempted to write myself off as being silly/fruitloopy too... hard behaviour to move away from. Did the counsellor not give you advice on how to broach the subject? There's always relate or something I guess if it becomes a problem x

thanks lily, i will do it soon cos other wise it will fester !!

i am always concious of how much i winge on here!!!

but i am using it as my sounding board while i get things straight in my head !!
didn't sleep well last night and have been doing a lot of thinking (very dangerous pass time for me )

i have lost my confidence in my scales so i think when i get my new ones i am going to have a new start reset my totals etc. I know i haven't gained 18lb but its now stuck in my head . wondering if that initial 15lb was genuine or if that was a scale malfunction so i think rather than dwell on it i should eradicate it.
It isn't about the no's its about how i feel. hubby is doing the same thing as me and has lost 2 st himself so i must be losing, my clothes are looser and i have cheek bones thats whats important

so opinions, what do you think guys ?

I think Tilly's suggestion is a good one, you don't wanna dismiss all the hard work you've put in so far

food diary for yesterday and to day as a reminder

yesterday

B egg, bacon, mushrooms and toast (hexb)

L/ mini binge !!!!!!

8 chicken nuggets ( 100% breast meat baked not fried) 200g dried prunes
2 slices white toast with flora !!!!!!
not even going to attempt to syn it drawing that line ----------------

nothing else for rest of day cos felt soooooooooo sick and guilty

today

B 2 boiled eggs, 2 slices wholemeal toast (hex b + hex a )

L bowl of lentil and bacon soup, banana and hand full of grapes.

T home made 5 bean chilli ( no rice )
0% greek yog and mango chunks


not used any syns today or planned any but will update if i use any xx

scales only showing an 8lb gain today !!!!!!

MINI is the operative word for your 'binge'! Good thing to record it - compare that to what you might have had in the past and I'm sure you'll see improvement there

Hope you have a lovely weekend hun x

 

[broadsbean]

ok new scales bought, still large differance but old ones even worse and the new ones also weigh hubby upwards so going with them xx

stats changed to reflect it and i will continue with thurs weigh in
having a low carb week this as in pasta rice pots etc but more pulses beans lentils cous cous see how this affects my loss

ok drama over now just have to watch the rugby league grand final yawn yawn xxx

 

[LoChan1984]

ok new scales bought, still large differance but old ones even worse and the new ones also weigh hubby upwards so going with them xx

stats changed to reflect it and i will continue with thurs weigh in
having a low carb week this as in pasta rice pots etc but more pulses beans lentils cous cous see how this affects my loss

ok drama over now just have to watch the rugby league grand final yawn yawn xxx

Should be a tasty week too Got any meals planned ahead? x