Bella, what a grea idea to share our stories. Some of what I was reading in yours felt like I could actually be reading about myself. Especially the lonley binging. It sounds like you felt the pressure to be slim ad beautiful at a really young age, and anything learnt that long ago stays with you I think. You must have programmed yourself to believe that to be attractive/popular/sucessful we have to be thin. Which is what most women do believe. I know I do. The pressure of society and peers these days is unreal. I bet the break up of your mam and dad didnt help too. Then it sound like you do what I do - When you get stressed or down or feel lacking in self esteem - you hit the grub then that makes you wose, then you eat more, then you feel worse still and before you know it it's been months and then your left really down. You are stunning and YOU CAN LOSE THE WEIGHT. You have done it before and you can do it again! Even on the curvier side I bet you are more beautiful that skinny people. School is the beginning of most girls weight issues I think. I bet its even harder these days as there is even more pressure to look good. Now, 13 years olds could pass for 16. Its unbelivable. Fake tans, hair extensions, mini skirts. The world has went beauty obesessed.
Well, heres my story...
I never had an issue with weight or anything really until I hit 16. I did get some attention off boys but thats probally because I 'put it about a bit' as I was such a walk over and thought if I done that people would want me. Bad I know. Annyway, when I went to college I started to compare mywelf to other people and wanted to look like the girls on the TV or the music videos. What started out a little diet soon turned into an obsession and I ended up with full blown bulimia and annorexic epesodes by the time I was 17.
Now I never looked painfully thin or anything but I was a size 8 and had a figure to dye for (looking back I see that now but I thought I was fat at the time). I struggled with this for years. But I maintained a low weight and starsted getting loads of attention and even ended up modelling for 2 years, but it wasnt enough - I still wanted to be thinner. I was obsessed with the gym and what I was putting into my mouth. When I look back at myelf now I get jealous as I would love to have that figure again (even plus a stone) but nooooo, I thoght I was fat and spent he ages of 17 to 26 with a majo eating disorder and depression and all sorts, rather than just enjoying life.
I got the eating disorder prety much under control through medication and counselling, etc then 3 yaers ago, when I came back from a holiday in Ibiza (that wa the last time I was thin at a size 8-10) I just went in the oppisate direction. I turned into a compulsive over eater and started drinking heavily. Then I would not leave the house hardly, onlyto go to work and back (altough I lost so many jobs for phoning in sick) and then when I was 28-29 I was up to alost a size 20, having put on almost 7 stone in 2 years. Thats when I knew I had to do something about it so in September last year I went on my first ever healthy diet (no fads or shoving my fingers down my throat or laxatives), so here I am now 3 stone lighter. But I think food will always be an issue with me. I am obsessed with it.
I think this week has been a bit of a relapse and I have been freaking out as I never want to end up a size 20 again.
I am retty hard on myself too as now I will always compare myself to how slim I was. I spoilt it for myself by having no control. Now, even if I get down to a size 10, my stomach is left with a hanging pouch, and its not exatly small. If only I didnt pile it on in the first place. So that thought tourments me everyday. And it dosent help when people like the fact that you have piu weight on "oooooh, remember her, she used to be a model, look now she is fat hahaha". The whole of the town (practically) where I live have commented to other people about my weight gain. Well, I'll give them summit else to talk about - the weight loss, when I lose it all again. CAUSE I WILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, that felt good
) I'm ready to go again. Hey Bella you are magic.
Rite, who is next????.......
xxx
