RD's life diary: I'm back (sort of)
- Thread starter Russiandoll
- Start date
Russiandoll
Carpe diem
Thanks girls.
You think I'd do the decent thing when I was sick and NOT eat wouldn't you! Seems like any excuse for a fall off the wagon and there I am!
I'm not feeling particularly strong right now - from my perspective I feel like I'm clinging onto sanity by the tips of my fingernails. One more thing and it'll be padded cell time!
Still, I have my buddies on here and that counts for a helluva lot I can tell you - without you, I'd have been wearing a padded jacket (from the Evans 'Going Nutz' range) ages ago! So a big thanks for being so patient and listening to my ramblings.
You think I'd do the decent thing when I was sick and NOT eat wouldn't you! Seems like any excuse for a fall off the wagon and there I am!
I'm not feeling particularly strong right now - from my perspective I feel like I'm clinging onto sanity by the tips of my fingernails. One more thing and it'll be padded cell time!
Still, I have my buddies on here and that counts for a helluva lot I can tell you - without you, I'd have been wearing a padded jacket (from the Evans 'Going Nutz' range) ages ago! So a big thanks for being so patient and listening to my ramblings.
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) Take care of yourself and rest as much as you can.
Thinking of you and your family and hoping for some peace of mind as well as in body. xxx
Thinking of you and your family and hoping for some peace of mind as well as in body. xxx
Barb
Gold Member
RD, its always good to listen to your ramblings, never a chore. You always write well and from the heart, we can't ask more. I know we all wish life was easier for you though; it seems so unfair for one person to have quite so much to go through. My parents are still being a worry and I am afraid I have no heart for dieting or thinking about anything much but them. I don't feel bad about it, I just accept it. I'm not superwoman and I know my limits; I am an exhausted overstressed wreck, I can't be dieting as well! Sound familiar?
Anyway, know that you and yours are in my thoughts and if love and good wishes could make any difference then the amount you are being sent would help.
With love to a good friend.
Anyway, know that you and yours are in my thoughts and if love and good wishes could make any difference then the amount you are being sent would help.
With love to a good friend.
Russiandoll
Carpe diem
Thanks for your support Barb. Our lives really do seem to be in parallel a lot of the time don't they - it's quite uncanny!
Well, so much for an easy day. As the morning progressed I felt better and better so tackled the laundry first (my washing breeds in the basket, I swear!) Then I did the hoovering, polishing, cleaned the bathroom and then decided I could do with a walk to the shops.
So I recruited my 19 year old DD, took some glass bottles on the way via the bottle bank, stopped off at the docs to change my appointment and then went to the charity shop where I bagged a pair of George jeans (as new) for only £3. They are black and a size 24 ... a size I never wanted to see again but needs must when the devil calls.
Then it was on to Lidl (where a little dosh goes a long way!) and home.
I tried the jeans on ... they fit with some room to spare around my middle but holy moly they're baggy around my bum and legs!
I look like coco the clown ... but they're very comfy so will do for lounging around the house.
It's my odd shape that does it ... if only I could be rolled out like a big slab of pastry to even out the bit in the middle!
I found out today that my dad has been sleeping in his reclining chair for the past couple of nights as he's finding it hard to breathe lying down flat in bed. Consequently, he's a bit tired and down in the dumps. Whilst I was at the shops, I bought some cooking apples and this afternoon, DD4 and me made some apple crumble (one of his faves) to try and tempt his taste buds and cheer him up a little. Smells divine ... hope it does the trick.
Anyway - off to check the oven before my efforts turn into charcoal crumble!
Well, so much for an easy day. As the morning progressed I felt better and better so tackled the laundry first (my washing breeds in the basket, I swear!) Then I did the hoovering, polishing, cleaned the bathroom and then decided I could do with a walk to the shops.
So I recruited my 19 year old DD, took some glass bottles on the way via the bottle bank, stopped off at the docs to change my appointment and then went to the charity shop where I bagged a pair of George jeans (as new) for only £3. They are black and a size 24 ... a size I never wanted to see again but needs must when the devil calls.
Then it was on to Lidl (where a little dosh goes a long way!) and home.
I tried the jeans on ... they fit with some room to spare around my middle but holy moly they're baggy around my bum and legs!
I look like coco the clown ... but they're very comfy so will do for lounging around the house.
It's my odd shape that does it ... if only I could be rolled out like a big slab of pastry to even out the bit in the middle!
I found out today that my dad has been sleeping in his reclining chair for the past couple of nights as he's finding it hard to breathe lying down flat in bed. Consequently, he's a bit tired and down in the dumps. Whilst I was at the shops, I bought some cooking apples and this afternoon, DD4 and me made some apple crumble (one of his faves) to try and tempt his taste buds and cheer him up a little. Smells divine ... hope it does the trick.
Anyway - off to check the oven before my efforts turn into charcoal crumble!
Russiandoll
Carpe diem
I looked in the mirror yesterday and felt like putting a hat on (or a balaclava - back to front!). It's been so long since I had my hair done that all the layers had grown and I was beginning to look like 'Cousin It' from the Addams family!
I like my hair fairly short and with it being so straight, I like layers so I can get some height on it (at 5' 1" I need all the help I can get!) Anyway, we're skint so a proper hair-do done by a proper stylist was absolutely out of the question. However, I rang my usual salon and asked if the trainee did haircuts and found out that she does. With a big gulp, I booked myself in today for a wet cut - minus the blow dry, to save money.
I went to work at the Fort for a few hours and then drove to the salon. The trainee is a lovely girl and, after looking at the style book and showing her the sort of thing I usually have, she looked at me as if to say 'These are scissors love - not a magic wand!'
She gave my hair a quick spray from a bottle (you don't even get a shampoo with this 'Smart Price' hair-do!) and then started snipping. Usually I make small talk with the stylist (as you do) ... 'Going anywhere nice this year?', 'Going out this weekend?' ... you know the kind of stuff. But with a trainee doing your hair, you tend to shut up and let her concentrate!
She snipped away Edward Scissorhand style, stopping briefly every few minutes to squirt more water on my, by now, very lank-looking hair. When she'd finished, I looked like 'Inmate 25489L' because, with a wet cut, you don't get the benefit of any products or a blow dry to finish it off.
I paid the bill (less than a tenner), leapt into my car and scurried home, hoping I wouldn't stop alongside anyone I knew at the lights. Once home, I re-washed my hair, slapped some mousse on and got the hairdryer to work. The end result was, much to my relief, just what I wanted! Phew!!
I like my hair fairly short and with it being so straight, I like layers so I can get some height on it (at 5' 1" I need all the help I can get!) Anyway, we're skint so a proper hair-do done by a proper stylist was absolutely out of the question. However, I rang my usual salon and asked if the trainee did haircuts and found out that she does. With a big gulp, I booked myself in today for a wet cut - minus the blow dry, to save money.
I went to work at the Fort for a few hours and then drove to the salon. The trainee is a lovely girl and, after looking at the style book and showing her the sort of thing I usually have, she looked at me as if to say 'These are scissors love - not a magic wand!'
She gave my hair a quick spray from a bottle (you don't even get a shampoo with this 'Smart Price' hair-do!) and then started snipping. Usually I make small talk with the stylist (as you do) ... 'Going anywhere nice this year?', 'Going out this weekend?' ... you know the kind of stuff. But with a trainee doing your hair, you tend to shut up and let her concentrate!
She snipped away Edward Scissorhand style, stopping briefly every few minutes to squirt more water on my, by now, very lank-looking hair. When she'd finished, I looked like 'Inmate 25489L' because, with a wet cut, you don't get the benefit of any products or a blow dry to finish it off.
I paid the bill (less than a tenner), leapt into my car and scurried home, hoping I wouldn't stop alongside anyone I knew at the lights. Once home, I re-washed my hair, slapped some mousse on and got the hairdryer to work. The end result was, much to my relief, just what I wanted! Phew!!
Russiandoll
Carpe diem
Me too Karen .. I'm absolutely dreading it though because all evidence points somewhere bad.
I went to see my mum and dad after I had my hair cut and my dad is having terrible trouble with fluid retention in his legs. They've blown up like balloons so the doc has prescribed diuretics. He's now on so many drugs that I think their medicine cabinet will soon need industrial strength reinforcements!
He hasn't slept in bed for a few days now because he can't catch his breath when he lies down so he's been sleeping reclined in his chair in the sitting room - not ideal but he's in a dilemma and I suppose this is the best solution for now.
I took DDs 3 and 4 plus DD3's boyfriend with me (he lives with us and is a trainee deck officer in the merchant navy). DD4 (11) gave her grandad an apple crumble she'd made all by herself yesterday and he said he'd have it after his tea with custard ... she grinned like a little Cheshire cat. It's little memories like this that I'm frantically gathering and clinging to with all my might.
My dad started telling stories from his navy days back in the 50s & 60s and we all ended up laughing - it was good to see him chuckling at the memories of his escapades as a young matelot.
I think I should be jotting down all the stories I can remember: they're so funny and it would be a shame for them to disappear into the mists of time.
My diet went to the wall again today. Yesterday wasn't too bad but today was a total disaster. I'm the dieting equivelent of Jekyll & Hyde, being either very good or very bad. I'm tired and on the verge of tears most of the time, although I'm doing my level best to hold it together. I've never felt more like running away from what I know is going to happen ... I suppose that's just the child in me. But at the moment, that's what I feel like - a child. A little girl who doesn't want her dad to leave. Every morning I wake up wishing this was all a horrible nightmare and my dad was back the way I remember him - fit as a fiddle and larger than life with his hearty, infectious laugh. But every morning I wake up and I'm still in the middle of a living nightmare: I feel like I'm grieving before my dad has even died.
I'm really sorry to be rambling on but this is the only place I'm committing my thoughts to print and it is helping but I apologise if my diary has become a hard slog to follow. To the few patient enough to read and comment ... my thanks xx
Karen
Serial Foodie!
u are not rambling. Im glad u have your diary as a small therapy to get this all out. tho a lot of people dont know what to say in circumstances like this, be sure that we r all thinking of u and hoping for the best. its horrible for anyone to watch anyone suffer and while its one we love so much, i can understand it is unbareable.
the dieting...i think u r a woman who knows urself well enough, even if u r still learning in some ways (as we all are!) but u certainly seem to understand ur strengths and weaknesses. I reckon u shouldnt be being so tough on urself tho. i saw u said something along the lines of "you'd think I wouldnt be eating at times like this" or something like that earlier in ur diary. u r punishing urself at the moment and using food as another tool to do that. i reckon u need to give urself a break. u DO NOT deserve to be punished at the moment, and most certainly not at the hands of urself.
what u said about ur dad telling u stories....the same thing happened a couple of months ago with my dad. we were in the pub on our own and he started telling me about his childhood, which i knew to be very rough (8 kids, living on tiny farm, his dad dies when they r all young and they all have to work the farm, never owned shoes, santa could only afford an orange and an apple kinda thing). its a precious thing and made me laugh and cry to hear it all. i know while u r in turmoil and so uncertain what is going on, its great u can share that with ur dad. i just hope u try to be a bit nicer to urself cos u deserve it.
xxx
the dieting...i think u r a woman who knows urself well enough, even if u r still learning in some ways (as we all are!) but u certainly seem to understand ur strengths and weaknesses. I reckon u shouldnt be being so tough on urself tho. i saw u said something along the lines of "you'd think I wouldnt be eating at times like this" or something like that earlier in ur diary. u r punishing urself at the moment and using food as another tool to do that. i reckon u need to give urself a break. u DO NOT deserve to be punished at the moment, and most certainly not at the hands of urself.
what u said about ur dad telling u stories....the same thing happened a couple of months ago with my dad. we were in the pub on our own and he started telling me about his childhood, which i knew to be very rough (8 kids, living on tiny farm, his dad dies when they r all young and they all have to work the farm, never owned shoes, santa could only afford an orange and an apple kinda thing). its a precious thing and made me laugh and cry to hear it all. i know while u r in turmoil and so uncertain what is going on, its great u can share that with ur dad. i just hope u try to be a bit nicer to urself cos u deserve it.
xxx
Russiandoll
Carpe diem
I've read carefully what you've said Karen and you make a lot of sense. It's true that I'm in a lot of emotional turmoil right now: I don't drink or smoke and have precious little money to indulge in a bit of 'retail therapy' so there's very little in the way of outlets or distractions (that's why I'm on here so much). I have so little control over so many things that I do find myself thinking 'b*gger it all!' and eating 'whatever' even if I know that, really, I could be making a better food choice. Then, because I ate it KNOWING it wasn't the right choice, I beat myself up about it ... but maybe that's a diversionary tactic all of it's own: if I'm concentrating on being mean to myself then I'm not thinking about other things. Not good though - I agree.
It's a beautiful day today: gorgeous sunshine and a cloudless blue sky. That always lifts the spirits a bit doesn't it.
DD3 and me are going to try and transport a chest of drawers upstairs and my mum is popping around at some point today to drop something off. I'd like to get out in the fresh air sometime during the day though - I spent too many days indoors because I HAD to with all that grim weather we had - would seem a shame to waste the sunshine.
I must also remember to buy the local paper today too ... it's 'jobs day' and our financial situation is making it increasingly obvious that I really need to find work of some kind. It'll be a tall order to find one that fits in with my Uni hours but I'm sure there will be something.
It's a beautiful day today: gorgeous sunshine and a cloudless blue sky. That always lifts the spirits a bit doesn't it.
DD3 and me are going to try and transport a chest of drawers upstairs and my mum is popping around at some point today to drop something off. I'd like to get out in the fresh air sometime during the day though - I spent too many days indoors because I HAD to with all that grim weather we had - would seem a shame to waste the sunshine.
I must also remember to buy the local paper today too ... it's 'jobs day' and our financial situation is making it increasingly obvious that I really need to find work of some kind. It'll be a tall order to find one that fits in with my Uni hours but I'm sure there will be something.
Russiandoll
Carpe diem
My Mazda failed its MOT on Monday It was chiefly on 'wear and tear' items ... brakes & exhaust. I got a quote of £333 for the garage to do the work, provided the brake calipers were OK. (whateva!)
Well, Mr Mechanic phoned yesterday to say that the calipers were seized but that he had managed to free one and was doing the other ... but that it was going to cost a bit more.
"Oh yes?" said I, "How much more?"
"Well, I can't give you the exact amount," says Mr Mechanic, "but it won't be any more than £370 max"
Ouch! We just don't have that sort of money floating about begging but after robbing Peter to pay Paul (Peter is now chasing us), we scraped up £370.
Today, he phoned and said, "I couldn't unseize the caliper so I've had to order a new one."
"Meaning what, precisely." I replied.
"Well, the bill now comes to £415."
That's when I flipped out. In a calm, controlled but 'don't f*** with me' type of voice, I said to Mr M,
"Yesterday, you said the bill would be NO MORE THAN £370 ... so £370 is all I'm prepared to give you."
He stuttered and spluttered a bit but after saying he didn't want to lose my custom, he said he'd fit the caliper and bear the cost himself. Result!!
Moral of the story seems to be ... we don't have to lie down and be stomped on. There are times when it's worth standing your ground
It was chiefly on 'wear and tear' items ... brakes & exhaust. I got a quote of £333 for the garage to do the work, provided the brake calipers were OK. (whateva!)Well, Mr Mechanic phoned yesterday to say that the calipers were seized but that he had managed to free one and was doing the other ... but that it was going to cost a bit more.
"Oh yes?" said I, "How much more?"
"Well, I can't give you the exact amount," says Mr Mechanic, "but it won't be any more than £370 max"
Ouch! We just don't have that sort of money floating about begging but after robbing Peter to pay Paul (Peter is now chasing us), we scraped up £370.
Today, he phoned and said, "I couldn't unseize the caliper so I've had to order a new one."
"Meaning what, precisely." I replied.
"Well, the bill now comes to £415."
That's when I flipped out. In a calm, controlled but 'don't f*** with me' type of voice, I said to Mr M,
"Yesterday, you said the bill would be NO MORE THAN £370 ... so £370 is all I'm prepared to give you."
He stuttered and spluttered a bit but after saying he didn't want to lose my custom, he said he'd fit the caliper and bear the cost himself. Result!!
Moral of the story seems to be ... we don't have to lie down and be stomped on. There are times when it's worth standing your ground
Russiandoll
Carpe diem
It's almost 2am and I'm wondering if I'm the only one on Minimins left awake.
I've been unable to sleep as I can't stop thinking about my dad's biopsy results due tomorrow (well, later today - Fri 10th). I'm going to be driving my mum and dad over to the hospital and accompanying them to the respiratory unit to see the consultant.
I said I could either drop them off and come back later or go along with them: my mum said she'd like me to come along. Makes me think she's feeling scared ... goodness knows what my poor dad's going through. To their face I'm being strong and dependable but it's all a bit of an act - inside I'm just a terrified 'kid'.
It's odd how there seems to be a bit of role reversal going on. I always depended on my parents when I was little and now they seem to be turning to me, their eldest girl. There's little I can do for them other than to be as strong as possible and give them someone to lean on - I can crumple when I'm out of their sight.
Right, I'm whacked so I think I can go to bed and fall straight to sleep without lying there thinking. Thank God for the minimins arcade - it's kept my mind busy for hours!
I've been unable to sleep as I can't stop thinking about my dad's biopsy results due tomorrow (well, later today - Fri 10th). I'm going to be driving my mum and dad over to the hospital and accompanying them to the respiratory unit to see the consultant.
I said I could either drop them off and come back later or go along with them: my mum said she'd like me to come along. Makes me think she's feeling scared ... goodness knows what my poor dad's going through. To their face I'm being strong and dependable but it's all a bit of an act - inside I'm just a terrified 'kid'.
It's odd how there seems to be a bit of role reversal going on. I always depended on my parents when I was little and now they seem to be turning to me, their eldest girl. There's little I can do for them other than to be as strong as possible and give them someone to lean on - I can crumple when I'm out of their sight.
Right, I'm whacked so I think I can go to bed and fall straight to sleep without lying there thinking. Thank God for the minimins arcade - it's kept my mind busy for hours!
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
That, my dear, is what makes you the wonderful daughter that you are... bless you sweetheart. My heart goes out to you ((((((hugs))))))))
Russiandoll
Carpe diem
I've been building myself up to today and preparing for the (potentially) bad news about my dad. He and my mum have also psyched themselves up to the point where my dad couldn't sleep last night. We all braced ourselves for today and ...
... the hospital rang a short while ago to say that today's appointment had to be cancelled and they've re-booked for NEXT Friday. So we get to go through the whole thing all over again.
Bloody NHS!
... the hospital rang a short while ago to say that today's appointment had to be cancelled and they've re-booked for NEXT Friday
. So we get to go through the whole thing all over again.Bloody NHS!
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
*"$^ "*($% £*!(*$ and many other expletives!!!
