SA's 810 and beyond diary a.k.a My daily kick up my own behind ;-)

[BREN]

Thanks KD

I'm just calorie counting and exercising for a while (4 weeks) and trying to go the old school method of re - training my brain and it's approach towards food and weight loss/management.

I'm hoping to loose 6.6 kg's in 11 weeks, if in 5 weeks I'm not half way there I might use CD for a couple of weeks. It's just not available for my lifestyle at the moment.

Bren
X

 

[KD]

Thanks KD

I'm just calorie counting and exercising for a while (4 weeks) and trying to go the old school method of re - training my brain and it's approach towards food and weight loss/management.

I'm hoping to loose 6.6 kg's in 11 weeks, if in 5 weeks I'm not half way there I might use CD for a couple of weeks. It's just not available for my lifestyle at the moment.

Bren
X

It doesn't matter which was you do it. Calorie count, CD whatever. The most important part is retraining the brain

 

[BREN]

Agreed, think that's why I love Serena's quotes for the day!
xx

 

[KD]

Agreed, think that's why I love Serena's quotes for the day!
xx

Me too! Few words, say a lot

 

[Serena A]

Well done Bren and thanks KD xx

 

[Serena A]

Day 86

Uh-oh...booked myself a ticket to Bingeville today

Tummy hurts, brain feels sad and I feel like the fat miserable one all over again.

Don't do it kids...it aint good.

Thought for the day:

"Tomorrow is another day."

 

[KD]

Aww Big hugs my friend.

Any idea what set it off? What stopped you halting it?

I know it's all easier said than done (been there, done that), but it's good to have a quick reflect to see the reason behind it if you can.

 

[Serena A]

Aww Big hugs my friend.

Any idea what set it off? What stopped you halting it?

I know it's all easier said than done (been there, done that), but it's good to have a quick reflect to see the reason behind it if you can.

Thanks for the hugs

I woke up today in a reflective mood (and a bit random too - I was sitting in the bath this morning trying to remember the words to the theme tune of some awful 80s sitcom called the Bottle Boys - anyone remember that? A wannabe On The Buses except it was about milkmen?? Anyway...I digress )

I did pause yesterday a few times but mentally shrugged my shoulders and carried on. I think I wanted to give myself some battle wounds to show off to myself at a later date as diversion tactics for what's really going on in my head. Kind of like "ok Serena, you feel bad right now, what can we do to reinforce and therefore validate those negative feelings?"

My plan is to take today as it comes, mind you it's only 9.20 am...

 

[Serena A]

Just thinking - why is we feel like we ought to struggle in order for our achievements to be validated? If things are going well, there's always that niggle of "where's the catch?"

It's like The Matrix, where the Agents say that they originally programmed the environment to be a perfect utopia but that the humans struggled to accept a life without adversity so the program didn't work.

Going by every other time I've ever lost weight I "should" have regained a good stone or so by now. My brain is feeling uncomfortable with my success. Well, that stops now. There is no reason why I don't deserve to be healthy and there is no need to derail myself in order to prove the point.

 

[BREN]

Serena what an interesting thought..... why we feel the need to struggle or make our lives more difficult just to get where we deserve to be?

For example today, I haven't eaten a well balanced, variety of foods and reckon I've eaten about 1400 in cals, will work it out in my diary in a minute or two..... however, being really busy and skipping lunch because I was feeling thin and also clothes shopping, when the hunger set in after I bought a protein bar I just couldn't stop thinking about food. Then you try to justify why you are just going to have another protein bar.... etc then 2 coffee, a cheese and vegemite roll and then 2 peices of toast with branston and cheese for dinner!!!!

Why do we do this? Think i need to vent and reflect now in my diary and not yours sorry.

Enjoy the rest of your day ladies!

Bren
X

 

[Serena A]

Hi Bren

You vent all you like here my dear, all musings (or anything actually) are most welcome!

I guess it's human nature to want to be in control of our own decisions, so that the minute something becomes "ought to" rather than "want to" then it can bring about the pouty-lip stampy-feet thing..."but it's not fair....I don't waaaant to do it!" (btw talking in general terms here not you specifically )

Crazy though when you think about it logically - why on earth would we not want to treat our bodies with the care and respect that they deserve considering the benefits that doing so can bring??

:sigh:

 

[Serena A]

Day 87

Have been ok today after yesterday's binge.

Previously I would have felt either horribly guilty or I wouldn't have given a damn, both of which would lead to further overeating. Whereas today I don't feel good or bad as such, just contemplative.

Hmmmn - maybe I think too much when really I should just be getting on with it?

Thought for the day:

"You don't have to be in Who's Who to know what's what."

 

[Katycakes]

Big hugs Serena. I think that stepping out of the post-binge guilt trap (or the denial & don't give a s*** one) is a big step forward, actually. For me, the post-binge feelings are as crippling as the eating itself, to the extent I have wondered if I did the binge-thing just to give myself a reason to beat myself up afterwards. You are moving on, away from all that.

Thanks for being so honest. It gives me hope and makes me see that perfection isn't necessary, just determination to be in it for the long haul.

xxx

 

[Serena A]

Thanks Katy xx

 

[Serena A]

Hmmnn.

Ok, so I've been reading back over my last few days' diary entries and a couple of postings elsewhere.

This has been niggling me for while now and reading what I have just read has finally clicked it all into place:

Know what you are supposed to do, having the books...even reading them, or even just thinking about it can be enough for us to feel that we've done our 'bit'.

Frees us from guilt (not that anyone should ever feel guilty about anything food related), but it can lead to a false sense of security.

This is exactly what I have been doing - perfectly illustrated when two days ago I sat there reading Gillian Riley's book on emotional eating whilst simultaneously consuming a family-sized bar of chocolate... :copon:

You know like when someone prefixes a tirade of abuse with the infamous "I don't want to be rude, but....." as if simply acknowledging the rudeness somehow cancels out the hurt it causes.

Acknowledging our failures is counter-productive if we simply use them as a get-out clause to keep repeating those behaviours with an accompanying "but I've learnt soooo much from it".

Yeah, right. New resolution is to try harder to do a little more walking the walk rather than just talking the talk. :sigh:

 

[Serena A]

Day 88

Had a good day today - ate properly for a change rather than just sticking within the calorie limit.

I also realised that the last few times I've been out jogging I've simply done my set distance then given myself a self-satisfied pat on the back for being "healthy".

Except obviously the more I've done the easier it's become and lately I've just been going through the motions really. So today I pushed myself, got nicely out of breath and can really feel it now.

I kinda feel like this past week or so I've been passing exams by writing out the answers on the back of my hand - still got a good end result i.e. the number on the scales has told me I've "passed", but I know deep down I've not been doing things properly.

It's not all about the numbers.

Thought for the day:

"The real reward gained goes way beyond jeans and bikinis...embracing wellness as a lifelong partner is the ultimate goal."

 

[Katycakes]

Great to see you back in form... your exam results are going to be great! You never go far off track, or for long... you know where you are going and you will get there, no matter what.

I know just what you mean about the 'exam'. I have done all the revision, but feel like I have been answering questions from the wrong exam paper... want to get this right, or I will still be doing re-sits in 10 years time...

xxx

 

[Laura Croft]

Great work Serena. I love running too, well actually I have a love/hate relationship with running. Are you planning on doing any races?

 

[Serena A]

Great work Serena. I love running too, well actually I have a love/hate relationship with running. Are you planning on doing any races?

With you with the love/hate thing! Are you doing any races? I'm just doing Race for Life at the moment with a friend.

I'm up to around 10k now which considering I only went out on my first jog a few weeks ago isn't too bad even if I say so myself!

 

[Laura Croft]

10k is a more than respectable distance, and extra kudos when you've only been running a few weeks. I'm a long distance fan (partly because it takes me a good 15 minutes to get into things) so will/should do a marathon later this year. Right now I'm doing up to 10k as I return from injury. I know there's no point pushing things too fast because it will backfire, it always does.