The end of the line, or the beginning of a new life?

[minusfour]

Isn't it funny- most days you would do anything to have an extra hour or so, but some days just drag! I used to love Enid Blyton too, and am now happily introducing my nephews to her books. I wonder if you opened the radio box? (I do things like that, I have so many diaries, which have never been written in, CDs which have never been played, etc)
I have recently read that boredom, which to a large extent has been eliminated for the lives of modern children, (sports, music lessons etc) is necessary for development- it is when we feel bored that we start looking around, and getting interested in new things. Personally, I think this theory sucks!
What sort of things do you and OH do together? Is there anything that you've always wanted to do, but deferred due to time or money issues that you might take up now?
Hope you have found something to take your interest.
Have a good day, darling girl!

 

[foodjunkie10]

Wow i've just read the whole story from start to finish. You are doing fantastic and you must be so chuffed. I hope you find the courage to deal with your oh in whatever way you feel fit, but whatever way it is i hope he books his ideas up as you really do deserve better. I have a pandora bracelet and think its a great idea to buy a charm for every goal you reach, you've given me an idea lol.

 

[White Tulip]

Well I opened the box!! It was a 30 'project' electronics kit for children and to be honest I was a bit bored by the 'same-y ness' by project 6! For the radio you had to apparently earth the last wire. It said to find a metal pipe 'like the ones underground' or 'drive a metal spike into the ground' I thought, stuff that for a game of soldiers I made lights go on and of for a bit and then thought, hmmm. Bit of an anti climax after 30 years!

Woke up just as mentally 'edgy' as yesterday. Just wanted to find that 'something' to do. Felt quite stressed by it to be honest.

With regards to OH, we do nothing together. Literally nothing other than when we go on holiday together. Over the years I've suggested, asked, begged to do stuff. The only time he spends any time here on a Saturday is if he has a horrific hangover and then he just lays on the sofa until he feels better - and then goes home. On a Sunday he goes to watch a football team play his son used to play in (and he's now treasurer) and then he goes to the pub to watch the football on Sky. We do nothing together and it's not for want of suggesting and trying.

Did a bit of housework and then took 3 bags of clothing to a charity re-cycling centre. The women's refuge didn't email me back but if they do I still have plenty more - I couldn't fit any more in the boot It felt good to hear the metal door in the recycling unit clang as the bags went in, a really liberating feeling

I then did some investigating into doing a qualification by distance learning. I fancy doing either Business Studies or Psychology A level, I can do the exam where I work as we're an exam centre. So, so expensive though I don't have £350 just to learn something for the sake of doing it. I'll keep looking though. I have my book keeping course starting next month so hopefully that will help.

I then went to my ex's house and took my dog down to the water's edge for a walk. The wind was blowing and it was really squally with heavy but fine drizzle and I got quite wet but you know what? I felt great and it really helped take the edge of how I feel.

Weigh in tomorrow and it's then add a meal week (I have to go to 810 for a week as it's week12) . I have the week planned. 2 nights of tuna salad with a bar, 4 nights of chick peas and spinach in the soups for 'chunky soup' and 1 night of quorn mince, mushrooms cooked with a thickened tomato soup for a kind of bolognaise.

I don't drink coffee and I rarely drink tea but I just had a tea and I put a splash of skimmed milk in. I can't start having milk until tomorrow but the chances of me drinking 340ml a day are pretty remote so I thought - 1 splash 24 hours early won't hurt

 

[White Tulip]

I lost another 6 pounds! Very surprised at that to be honest!!

63 pounds in 11 weeks.....in a weird way, after a while the numbers become meaningless......when I started, the thought of losing 63 pounds in total seemed impossible, now the number almost seems.....throwaway as it's climbing so quickly.....very hard to describe. I think it's because my mind is still trying to catch up with what is happening that it just feels like a random number rather than something that is happening to me!

That means 4.5 stone - another bead 3 beads in 3 weeks

I treated myself this time. I wanted something music related as until I was 18 I played in an orchestra, did concerts etc and almost did music as my second subject for my degree. There was a choice of beads but none really hit the spot but I liked one, but it was £15 but I've bought it. Most of the others were between £1 and £2 so I am happy to pay a little more every now and again for one.

Add a meal week so up to 810 for 7 days. I don't have a fear of the food as I thought I would. I think because I'm incorporating the food into the soups for many meals it won't feel that different.

Tonight I'm going to have quorn mince, herbs, mushrooms, chilli powder and add a thickened tomato soup to make a kind of bolognaise. It feels good to be able to be planning something food related for me after all these weeks! Even though I've carried on cooking for OH, this is something for me and it feels special - even though it's just a bit of quorn mince!!! Hopefully this week will help me appreciate food a little more than I used to.

 

[minusfour]

That is incredible, congratulations!

If you do a course, can you claim the expense as a tax deduction? (Especially a small business one- surely you can use something you learn at work?)
I reckon the boredom/edgyness must mean something, another stage entered or left. I wonder what this week/month will bring?
I've been thinking about what I would do, if I had a few spare hours to fill. One thing would be to write a list of all those people who I had hoped to contact during the year and hadn't, (you know, the ones that make you sad when you write them Christmas cards, 'cause they are important to you, but you haven't had any contact since the last Christmas card exchange), and write a letter to at least one of them each week. Everyone loves getting letters, and I find that sort of narrative writing can help me understand a lot about my own life.(So even if I don't post the letter, it's helped)
What about volunteering for something- an old chestnut, I know, but I've read that folk who volunteer are happier than those that don't. I can go nuts spring cleaning, but you have to be in the right frame of mind.Anyhow, you are probably madly busy today and don't need any suggestions- 63 is awesome. I am officially amazed!

 

[Awaken Me]

Wow you really are flying now 12lbs in 2 weeks is awesome . Are you still taking your photographs and doing your measurements - those inches must be melting away.

I'd say go ahead and splash out on the beads as they are meaningful to you and will be a great reminder of your journey when you are finished. I forked out this week for tickets to the Silverstone F1 Grand Prix next year at an eyewaterting £300.00 but it is number 1 on my 'When I'm thin wishlist' . I'm so excited!!

Enjoy your meal tonight, I can't wait for my 810 week to come again.

 

[White Tulip]

minusfour - no, unfortunately the course isn't tax deductable etc in any way :-( Although it's an accredited course, there aren't any deductions etc, well there are through local authority council run ones, but I'm not on any benefits to reduce the cost and there are less and less A levels being run now because of funding squeezes.

I looked at doing some voluntary work about a year ago. Last year got very hectic - on top of working full time, I was doing a teaching qualification which took a year and I was teaching 2 nights a week. Because there is so much paperwork involved with teaching these days, it also took up all my weekends. I'm determined to only do a little teaching this year so will just have my full time job and the 1 night a week bookkeeping course as I go into the Autumn, hopefully if I can get over this feeling of mental boredom i'll be ok once I start the course.

Awaken me - yep, still taking photos I didn't record my chest and hips when I first started (even though I did measure - d'oh - relying on my memory!) but I think i've lost 7 inches off my chest and hips and I know it's a 7 inches off my waist. I couldn't know exactly across my hips/stomach as the (60 inch) tape measure didn't reach but there was a gap of about 4 inches and I'm now 58 inches so I'm guessing around 6 inches and am so pleased about that measurement!!

the meal wasn't nice. The Quorn was just so strong it wasn't edible. I don't know if it was my taste buds now being heightened or the quorn just being very strong but I had around 4 spoonfuls and left the rest. To be honest though I was starting to feel full after that amount anyway.

Oriental chilli soup tonight with chick peas and spinach. I love chick peas so am looking forward to it.

 

[foodjunkie10]

Well done on your loss again hun

 

[minusfour]

Hi sweetheart!

I love chick peas too, fantastic texture! I did some volunteer work-not well organised, long story which I will spare you- and got terribly burnt a couple of years ago. Ever since then, I think I should be doing some, but can never quite get up enough guts to take the plunge.
What do you teach?
I have just had four days away, we got home late last night, and I worked today. Apart from having no food in the house, and the house being a mess, it feels like I've not been away! My cats are acting like they don't recognise me, little rat finks!
A regional manager from the bank I had the problems with has left a message, asking me to ring back, but I don't think I'll have time for a couple of days. (Lots of catching up at work to do)
Hope you have a good one!

 

[White Tulip]

I teach cookery..........the irony huh?!!!!!!

2 people have noticed and commented!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am wearing a size 24 top and my way too big trousers. Manager (the one who made the fab comments) gave me a thumbs up as I got to work this morning and he said 'people will definitely notice with that top, you can really tell now'. Bless him, he's such a sweetie. We were having a quick conversation about chick peas after that, it was a bit random!

A bit later, I was sat at my desk and was offered a biscuit, which I turned down. Conversation went

colleague: can I ask, have you lost weight?

me: ermmmm......yes.... But you're the first to notice

colleague: oh, no. Jane (receptionist) noticed and said something to me as she'd been off a week. She didn't want to say in case she offended. How much have you lost? I want to lose 2 stone.

Me: 4.5 stone. In 11 weeks

colleague:

She wanted to go and tell the receptionist herself (she's a bit of a pain, get's very over-excited) but I asked her not to.

I went to the receptionist and said

'the answer is yes and no I'm not offended'.

The receptionist said she thought I had, when she'd been walking behind me. She said 'you must have lost a stone or so?'

No....i said......4.5 stone........in 11 weeks



I was really pleased that people are finally noticing.

I just hope my colleague doesn't bang on about it too much. Only half an hour later the biscuits went round and she said 'oh, you can't offer me or White Tulip any' and I felt myself grit my teeth as I think she will make a pointed 'thing' of it whenever she can to highlight that she 'knows'.

It's a good thing, and I'm pleased, but I just want to keep it discrete and in the background rather than it being a constant 'oh don't offer her any' kind of thing.


The chick peas were ok. Bit bland in the soup, but ok. I managed about 3/4 of the tin before I was full and to be honest I forced the last 2 or 3 spoonfuls in my mouth. Might have chickpeas again tonight or perhaps chicken in a chicken and mushroom soup.

 

[great things]

so very glad that your loss has been noticed i think that when you are larger it takes longer for people to notice when you loose a massive amount compared to thinner people who only need to loose a few lbs to get comments.

 

[PinkyJay]

Great loss Tulip. atback:

How's things with OH?

I've always fancied doing some voluntary work but what with work, kids and the house never had chance. I've always wanted to work for a womens refuge, The Samaritins or Childline. Maybe when the kids are older.
Good to hear about people noticing your losses also

 

[Awaken Me]

That is such good news that someone finally noticed. It really does put a smile on your face and once a couple of people have noticed everyone starts to notice.

You're much braver than me telling people what you have lost, I won't because I'm embarassed about a) how much I weighed in the first place and b) how much I have lost so far and still have to lose. Only 4 people know what I have lost and no-one at all knows what my starting weight is or what I have left to lose.

You're doing so great, I bet you look so different as I don't even recognise myself. Hell, we'll be skinny minnies before we know it xx

 

[minusfour]

I'm really pleased people have noticed- credit where due is always good. The nice thing about flying under the radar is that you can do it your own way though, I call a mixed blessing!(Bet your colleague will be watching you like a hawk now, and constantly trying to engage you in diet and excercise discussions to try and figure out exactly how you have lost so much!) Actually I reckon there are probably a number of people like the receptionist who have noticed already, but not said anything for whatever reason. (Let 'em watch and be amazed)
I did laugh at your wry comment about teaching cooking! I'm one of those can't cook to save themselves types, and have never had any problems putting on weight! I would be worried, frankly, if I could produce truely delicious foods that I wouldn't be able to resist! I grew up in a house with very few food treats, and, when such are available, do not usually stop until they are finished.
Quorn has only just come to Australia, and, because I'm vegetarian, I've been cooking a bit with it. Now, none of my meals are especially nice- OH and I are used to meals without frills- but I would have said that the quorn mince was quite bland in taste. Did you not find this the case?
I can't believe you have been cooking for OH all this time. You are a saint!
It is freezing here, and I have (secretly) not finished about half of my paperwork from last month, but don't want to do it tonight because our study is so cold. I'm sure the Aust Tax Office have already drafted a nasty letter to me reguarding being late. I think I'll neaten up some papers, so OH isn't prompted to ask any questions, and take my chances!
Have a good day!

 

[minusfour]

I meant I've always managed to put on weight, in spite of being not very talented in the kitchen!

 

[White Tulip]

You could come on one of my courses minus four, you'd have a great time and honestly, it would be nothing to be worried about

pinkyjay - things with OH are just...........the 'norm' which means that they aren't bad, but they aren't good. It's gone back to him arriving around 8.30, he eats, falls asleep on sofa, I wake him up. He's going up north again on Saturday for the football and no mention has been made about what was said or any kind of thoughts on doing something together.

Yes, my colleague made another comment today. The biscuits were being handed round and it was again 'no, don't offer me or White Tulip one' and I didn't like it being highlighted but ignored it. With my new job starting soon, I won't be in that office for much longer

I am wearing a size 22 top It's a very old tunic from New Look. I found it at the bottom of the wardrobe, mended the seam on the hip and it fits!! I haven't worn it for about 5 years and I'm surprised it fits at the moment. I know I was around 18 stone when it fit (I was on Masterchef in 2005 and I wore it whilst on the show and I was doing SW at the time which is why I can quickly reference a time and weight ) Very pleased at that. Weird though to be in such a range of sizes still. A fitted size 28 blouse from NEXT and a long tunic from New Look in a size 22!!

Chick peas in the chicken and mushroom soup - very nice. Creamy and satisfying. I ate the whole portion allowed last night which bothered me a little that I had easily eaten a whole can of drained chick peas so easily.

I then ate a slice of ham today I felt soooo hungry (so much so I wonder if my ketosis is being affected by being on 810) and went to see my dog at my ex's at lunchtime and looked in the fridge and shared some ham with my boy OK, so a slice of ham isn't the end of the world but

a) it isn't allowed
b) that kind of 'snacking' is what led me to being over 23 stone.

I just need to learn from the experience - why I did it and how to stop myself because as the weeks go on, I don't want do it again and then maybe it becomes 2 slices etc.

My 4.5 stone bead arrived It's lovely, a music 'book' with notes on it.

For 5 stone I want something to do with Ireland. I worked there for a year in the late 90s and some events changed my life and so it means a lot to me. I am going to get some kind of Celtic knot/celtic design bead. Think that will be 2-3 weeks away though as I need to lose 7 pounds to get there and with this week being 810 it might slow my normal loss a little.

The weather here is torrential today, not nice at all. Add that to feeling cold through ketosis and I might have to put the heating on

 

[PinkyJay]

Yes, my colleague made another comment today. The biscuits were being handed round and it was again 'no, don't offer me or White Tulip one' and I didn't like it being highlighted but ignored it. With my new job starting soon, I won't be in that office for much longer


She probably is doing it as a sort of comradeship thing, although anoying it must be with you not wanting attention brought to your diet.
Everyone at works knows I'm on a diet lol. I'm normally always picking so they noticed that I had stopped and I have also told a few people. The good thing is they give me good support, one of the girls bought some doughnuts yesterday and she tried to hide them from me to help so thought htat was very nice, when I did see them I didnt even waver.


I am wearing a size 22 top It's a very old tunic from New Look. I found it at the bottom of the wardrobe, mended the seam on the hip and it fits!! I haven't worn it for about 5 years and I'm surprised it fits at the moment. I know I was around 18 stone when it fit (I was on Masterchef in 2005 and I wore it whilst on the show and I was doing SW at the time which is why I can quickly reference a time and weight ) Very pleased at that. Weird though to be in such a range of sizes still. A fitted size 28 blouse from NEXT and a long tunic from New Look in a size 22!!

Yes I waver in my sizes from a 16-18 depending on the shop, it's stupid how the shops dont stick to some standard pattern.


My 4.5 stone bead arrived It's lovely, a music 'book' with notes on it.

For 5 stone I want something to do with Ireland. I worked there for a year in the late 90s and some events changed my life and so it means a lot to me. I am going to get some kind of Celtic knot/celtic design bead. Think that will be 2-3 weeks away though as I need to lose 7 pounds to get there and with this week being 810 it might slow my normal loss a little.

I want something to inspire me on my journey but cant think what.

Hope things improve with OH x

 

[minusfour]

Were you on Masterchef? Well, well! I don't mind cooking, I'm just not very skilled at it. One of the women at my work is a qualified chef, and for some time she was giving me "lessons"- ie advice, and answering questions over cups of tea, but we fizzled out a bit. Someone came in with a big bag of lemons today, so I thought I'd try making lemon butter over the weekend, (first time), any hints appreciated! Oh, I'd love to come to one of your classes!

How much longer will you be at that work place? You and Pink Jay must work with nicer folk than me, at my work one lady was very determined to diet and lose weight, and another went right out of her way to tempt her! The latter was delighted if the former would eat anything "naughty", there was homecooked slices in the tea room, chocs offered, ah, it was really depressing to watch!

Good on you re the size 22. I have a pair of pants which are two sizes smaller than any others that I fit in to, I suspect the size marking is wrong, but I love wearing them, exactly due to the size. Sense? no, not at all, I know!

What do you do while OH is asleep, and before he comes home?

My ploy re the paperwork wasn't terribly successful. When I came home from work my OH had opened all my unopened mail. I don't like him doing this, 'cause it contains so much junky stuff, which I chuck out as I open it, but he doesn't recognise it as such- really it creates more work. But he couldn't stand it any more, he is a bit embarrassed, full of excuses. It will be done tomorrow,(my old book keeping teacher is coming tomorrow morning, to help me fix up a couple of problems which have derailed me), and next week everything has to be finished because I'm seeing the accountant-tomorrow night hopefully I'll be waxing lyrical about my "out" basket.
(For sure, for sure!)

I have a lovely quote to elave you with;

"The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment, it is not in luck, or chance, or the help of others, it is yourself alone"

Orison Marden

(There is hope for all of us, I swear, even though my back aches, and I am surrounded by towering piles of paperwork. Mantra to myself, I am my own golden opportunity!)

 

[farmgirl]

Hi White tulip. I have just read your whole thread and very grateful for your honest diary. You are a good example of how strong someone can be when necessary. You should be very proud of yourself.
My OH is similar to yours and I am in the process of leaving. He has always been difficult but that was always been balanced out by his lovely and charming side but that has changed over the last yr.
He was making me so miserable I was getting depressed.
I looked up Emotional Abuse on the internet and found him described perfectly. Feeling entitled to have everything just the way he wanted, controlling, manipulative, lying then denying it, twisting the truth to suit himself, blaming me and everyone else for what was his own fault and never saying sorry or taking responsibilty, witholding affection (emotional and physical) as a way to punish and control and belittling, critisizing, putting me down, and treating me like I was an idiot.
I confronted him with it and he acknowledged that it was true and said he wanted to change but got worse and I realised that he did not love me, that this cold, painful, disfunctional relationship would be all I had to look forward to for the rest of my life if I stayed.
I decided I am worth more then that so am in the process of leaving.
It is hard as we have been best friends for 11 yrs and, unlike you, I have no house and no money but I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I have just started on CD today as the first step to find ME again, and wanted to say how much your diary is helping.
Good luck on the rest of your journey, I have complete faith in your ability to reach goal
xx

 

[White Tulip]

minusfour - by lemonbutter do you mean lemon curd (as I know lemon butter/curd has different names across the world)? If so, this is a nice recipe, substitute lemons for oranges

Fresh Orange Curd Recipe :: Food :: All About You


farmgirl - good luck, what you are doing is very courageous and to do it without house etc is even more brave. My house is my own so if we split we'd have no issues like that (he's made it explicitly clear that we'll never share anything financially).

Whilst OH is asleep? I normally try to wake him straight away to go to bed. If I go to bed first he would fall asleep on the sofa every night and sleep there all night Before he arrives? Bit of housework, surfing, looking at clothing on ebay, cook his dinner. Nothing very exciting really!

Had a nice comment today from someone else. She said 'you're looking very well these days'. Now to me 'you're looking well' often translates as 'you're looking fat' and I think I must have looked a bit defensive as she smiled and said 'you're disappearing'.

Lovely quote, thankyou :clap:

The chicken and spinach in a soup last night was lovely. Really nice. I'm going to have tuna and lettuce tonight with either a soup separately or a shake.

Two course dinner tonight