Westiegirl: Restarted Day 1 Under my Belt!

Thank you everyone! There is so much I want to say in reply to these posts, but I just need to process what you have all said. I'm so glad I posted this as I'm glad I'm not alone. In some ways I wish I was because then all my lovely friends wouldn't be struggling like me. But we are all in this together and I am so grateful that I found you all. My mind is made up - I will be there in January - with bells on (but probably not wearing leather!). The pact of starting again on the Monday after sounds like a plan to me!

I just wanted to say thank you again and I am going to re-read the posts so that I can "absorb" your insightful comments!
 
It's been a while and I haven't been on here. TBH things haven't much improved since I was on here last. In fact I think that they have gone in the wrong direction!

I have come to some monumental decisions over the last 2 weeks. Just after I was on here last I had a bit of a breakdown and since then I haven't been able to express what happened (besides I have been working silly shifts of 6am to 4pm most days! - ahh the benefits of being a short term staff member - all the rubbish ones!).

In a nutshell we had a massive family row
which culminated with me begging my mum to slap me. An hour later and after a bucket of tears shed I finally admitted to them that I felt like I deserved to be hit because I am useless and I didn't love myself. They were totally shocked and although I know this myself, I was also shocked by how low I had sunk (oh god, I'm holding back the tears as I write this and feel quite embarrassed to "say it out loud"). I really didn't realise how low my self esteem had sunk.

2006 was a good year in lots of ways because I learnt that I don't lack willpower and I am a strong person because I lost 6 stone following a tough regime of foodpacks and abstinence. I never cheated once when following the programme. I felt great, but here I am having regained quite a lot of the weight I lost. I don't know how much exactly because I have put my scales in the loft.

What 2006 hasn't taught me is what was causing me to turn to food in the first place and what my underlying issues are. 2007 needs a new approach. I am reading a book called Overcoming Overeating and every word about compulsive overeaters is true and is also very painful to read. But it shows me that I am not alone and that possibly, just possibly, I can live without being obsessed with food 24/7. The approach is for self acceptance, "legalising foods" and no longer dieting. I have been keeping a food diary for over 2 weeks and I will soon sit down and analyse the patterns of my binging.

I really don't want to diet anymore. I want to live free in a world of food and know that I can take or leave something. So, this approach may take a while. In fact I might even put on some more weight before I lose it but I don't want to hide behind food for ever. TBH I am really scared because I don't know if I want to face my demons. Food is the easy option out but I am fed up. I know I can diet, but that's not where my problems lie.

So new year, new approach. Sorry if this is a downer at the holiday season but I have just been so tired and too emotional to put this into words before now.
 
Hi Sarah

This is the first time I have seen your thread and looked at your progress pictures.

You have done brilliantly, the pics were inspirational. You did so well on your SS journey.. I am worried about what will happen to me when my SS finishes in about 5 or so weeks... I have been on the diet 71 days total.. and one of those days I ate.. xmas day only.. I'm straight back on it today.. but I really had to fight my inner voice on xmas day to not pig out!! I am afraid that I will be in the same place when I finish SS and just want to stuff myself... but I have realised i have some food issues and that I need to learn to control.. everything in moderation or something...

I think you are doing something positive by tackling your food issues and the psychological problems binging causes... don't lose track of how far you have come though, you really have done so well.. you need to look back on what you did with pride, don't beat yourself up about having binged recently... put it behind you, stand up and be proud!
 
Kirstin

Thank you. Your comments are so true. I have come a long way and I am now realising that I have only just started my journey. I need to do something different to change myself from the inside out and not vice versa. I am proud of what I have achieved and I shouldn't lose sight of that, but it is difficult when I am sliding backwards so fast. All I can do is to be kind to myself and move forward in a different direction. I have learnt a lot about myself over the last year (I originally started my journey January 29th 2006) and next year I intend to learn even more. I guess I never really thought that this journey would be easy or quick!

Well done on your journey so far. I am sure you will get there. I believe we all will eventually, just some of us take longer routes than others! Merry Christmas to you.
 
Hi Sarah

((hugs))

You are so very brave for sharing how you are feeling and the struggles you have had too. You have done so well and sharing this with others is something you should also be very proud of yourself for...

Self-esteem is a fragile creature.. so easily damaged and so difficult to repair.. a bit like fine china or glass... don't be too hard on yourself, and see if you can focus on all those positive things in your life.. you are an amazing woman.

Discovering the needs we have for food is a major part of this whole weight thing... I admire you immensely and thank you for sharing because it is a worry for me too when I reach the end.. I need to examine my relationship with food before getting to the goal weight.

Hang on in there and keep smiling as much as you can.

Best wishes

Jennie x
 
Hiya Sarah

I've just read over the last two weeks' posts on your thread with a great deal of sadness and also not a little guilt as I hadn't seen what you'd written before now, and also what my other friends had written.

I feel really quite bad actually as I should have been aware long before now of what you and all the other people I care so much about have been going through, especially when I read how you all felt about the Newcastle meet. I certainly couldn't give two hoots what weight/size anyone is as it'll be so great to see everyone and I know we'll all have a fun time just being together again.

I've written elsewhere that this is a marathon journey for all of us, and I absolutely agree with Jennie that you're really brave for sharing your thoughts with us and hope that just by writing it down helped you work some of your thoughts through too.

You've already said how food or learning to control it isn't, in itself, the main problem but rather how using it masks having to deal with your underlying problems. Reading that made me wonder if you've considered talking to someone about that? I know how much the LL counselling helped you, but I know you've moved on from that now. However, it still might be useful to be able to talk to someone about how you feel about your issues, working out what your goals are now and how you can develop strategies to enable you to achieve those in the foreseeable future. I guess I'm speaking as a life coach now and wondering if that might be a possible way forward? It's just a thought, and if I can help in any way please do let me know.

Thank you for your text yesterday and I hope you had an enjoyable Xmas and that 2007 really will be your year!

See you soon, honey - really looking forward to giving you a big (((((((hug))))))).

Much love to you
 
FatFairNForty(ish) said:
Hi Sarah

((hugs))

You are so very brave for sharing how you are feeling and the struggles you have had too. You have done so well and sharing this with others is something you should also be very proud of yourself for...

Self-esteem is a fragile creature.. so easily damaged and so difficult to repair.. a bit like fine china or glass... don't be too hard on yourself, and see if you can focus on all those positive things in your life.. you are an amazing woman.

Discovering the needs we have for food is a major part of this whole weight thing... I admire you immensely and thank you for sharing because it is a worry for me too when I reach the end.. I need to examine my relationship with food before getting to the goal weight.

Hang on in there and keep smiling as much as you can.

Best wishes

Jennie x
Click to expand...


Jennie

Thanks for your kind words, they did bring a tear to my eye. All throughout this journey I have been my own worse critic and a lot of it is my self esteem being so low. There are lots of things I think I don't deserve, but why not? I think I am ready to face the demons and learn more about the inner me!

Sarah x
 
Summerskye said:
Hiya Sarah

I've just read over the last two weeks' posts on your thread with a great deal of sadness and also not a little guilt as I hadn't seen what you'd written before now, and also what my other friends had written.

I feel really quite bad actually as I should have been aware long before now of what you and all the other people I care so much about have been going through, especially when I read how you all felt about the Newcastle meet. I certainly couldn't give two hoots what weight/size anyone is as it'll be so great to see everyone and I know we'll all have a fun time just being together again.

I've written elsewhere that this is a marathon journey for all of us, and I absolutely agree with Jennie that you're really brave for sharing your thoughts with us and hope that just by writing it down helped you work some of your thoughts through too.

You've already said how food or learning to control it isn't, in itself, the main problem but rather how using it masks having to deal with your underlying problems. Reading that made me wonder if you've considered talking to someone about that? I know how much the LL counselling helped you, but I know you've moved on from that now. However, it still might be useful to be able to talk to someone about how you feel about your issues, working out what your goals are now and how you can develop strategies to enable you to achieve those in the foreseeable future. I guess I'm speaking as a life coach now and wondering if that might be a possible way forward? It's just a thought, and if I can help in any way please do let me know.

Thank you for your text yesterday and I hope you had an enjoyable Xmas and that 2007 really will be your year!

See you soon, honey - really looking forward to giving you a big (((((((hug))))))).

Much love to you
Click to expand...


Sharon, there is absolutely no need to feel guilt! At this time of the year everyone is so busy and I am no less guilty than anyone else of not keeping in touch with everyone on here as much as I'd like too.

I hope that next year, when things calm down a little, that I can be more involved.

I think your words are very wise, in fact a couple of weeks ago I did think of texting you to see if we could have a chat about the life coaching route. Maybe we can chat a little in Newcastle? I promise that it won't be too much or too heavy, just a little pointer in the right direction of perhaps who I can contact! You are right about needing to chat to someone. I have made some decisions about my future. My contract at M&S comes to an end on Saturday. Unfortunately there are no permenant positions at the moment. But my ego was boosted by being taken to one side by the store manager who told me that my efforts hadn't gone unoticed and could they contact me if anything came up in the near future. See, other people think I'm great, why can't I? (In fact I feel really embarrassed about typing that and blowing my own trumpet).

My brother's doctor is really compassionate and I am going to make an appointment to see her to discuss my "issues". I have also decided to take some time off during January to "get my head together". I am lucky enough to still have some money left from my cafe sale, so I can afford to not have to rush into anything.

Over the years I have struggled with my weight and last year I thought I had cracked it, and I did. But that was obviously not the whole story. This year I want to bring my head into line. I am trying to start loving myself and I am now looking forward to Newcastle with a renewed sense of excitement - meeting with my friends and having a good time - no pressure!

Thanks girls, I'll be seeing you soon!!
 
westiegirl said:
It's been a while and I haven't been on here. TBH things haven't much improved since I was on here last. In fact I think that they have gone in the wrong direction!

I have come to some monumental decisions over the last 2 weeks. Just after I was on here last I had a bit of a breakdown and since then I haven't been able to express what happened (besides I have been working silly shifts of 6am to 4pm most days! - ahh the benefits of being a short term staff member - all the rubbish ones!).

In a nutshell we had a massive family row
which culminated with me begging my mum to slap me. An hour later and after a bucket of tears shed I finally admitted to them that I felt like I deserved to be hit because I am useless and I didn't love myself. They were totally shocked and although I know this myself, I was also shocked by how low I had sunk (oh god, I'm holding back the tears as I write this and feel quite embarrassed to "say it out loud"). I really didn't realise how low my self esteem had sunk.

2006 was a good year in lots of ways because I learnt that I don't lack willpower and I am a strong person because I lost 6 stone following a tough regime of foodpacks and abstinence. I never cheated once when following the programme. I felt great, but here I am having regained quite a lot of the weight I lost. I don't know how much exactly because I have put my scales in the loft.

What 2006 hasn't taught me is what was causing me to turn to food in the first place and what my underlying issues are. 2007 needs a new approach. I am reading a book called Overcoming Overeating and every word about compulsive overeaters is true and is also very painful to read. But it shows me that I am not alone and that possibly, just possibly, I can live without being obsessed with food 24/7. The approach is for self acceptance, "legalising foods" and no longer dieting. I have been keeping a food diary for over 2 weeks and I will soon sit down and analyse the patterns of my binging.

I really don't want to diet anymore. I want to live free in a world of food and know that I can take or leave something. So, this approach may take a while. In fact I might even put on some more weight before I lose it but I don't want to hide behind food for ever. TBH I am really scared because I don't know if I want to face my demons. Food is the easy option out but I am fed up. I know I can diet, but that's not where my problems lie.

So new year, new approach. Sorry if this is a downer at the holiday season but I have just been so tired and too emotional to put this into words before now.
Click to expand...
hello - I'm new and we haven't spoken before. I am so sorry for your troubles, but I'm pleased that you have come to make some sense of the situation. A good friend of mine has found a great deal of comfort and practical support from Overeaters Anonymous (same type of organisation as AA) overeaters anoymous great britain - I wondered whether you'd looked into that?

I would be interested in details of the book, also.:)

If you are interested if you click on my name and come to my diary, I am starting out on a non-diet at the moment - I too want to be in a position of never dieting again. (don't we all?!;)) - and I'm taking some first steps to do it.

Best wishes, and be nice to yourself. We deserve it.
 
Hey Sarah. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. It feels a bit useless to be saying that, but I don't really have any wise words at the moment (a long shift does that to a girl!).

It sounds like you have found a way to work out life for yourself, and that is fab. I wish you all the strength in the world.

Big hugs!

D x
 
Athos, thanks for the link. I will take a look. I believe that there is a group in a nearby town. When I finish work on Saturday I will investigate a bit more thoroughly.

FYI the book is called "Overcoming Overeating" by Jane Hirshman & Carol Munter. ISBN 0-09-182561-X. I have read it through once and am about to embark on the second readthrough and hopefully implementing the advice given. It's actually quite scary because it goes against the grain of everything I was ever "taught" as a dieter. Hell, I'm not happy as I am so I might as well give it a go!
I also look forward to reading your diary, because we ARE worth it!
 
Dom, hunny, the fact that you are thinking of me and took the time to reply is enough. I know what you mean about long shifts. I am actually looking forward to being unemployed short term in order to recharge my batteries. Hope you are keeping well and I will catch up with you soon.
 
Mandy, my lovely, thank you so much! I know that you are thinking of me (and your texts always bring a smile to my face when I am low). I am SO looking forward to next week now. Maybe "physically" I am not where I was or want to be, but that shouldn't matter. I'm really trying to make it not matter but it is hard work. Just looking forward to chilling out with you lovely gals and giving em what for at Buffalo Joes! We can chat a bit more then. See you soon xxx.
 
After writing my last post I felt a bit embarrassed about what I had written, but tbh I am glad I did. Thanks everyone for your supportive comments. I feel like I have turned a corner (but I have said that before! Seems I say that once a month, pattern emerging?).

Today I have had a productive day. Firstly I made an appointment to see the very nice doctor. I'm not going until January 4th but at least it is booked. I then had a good look around the M&S sales. Bought some nice things (including knee high boots for wearing in Newcastle). It was my last chance saloon as I have to give my staff discount card back when I finish on Saturday :(. My best buy was a lovely dress I have had my eye on for weeks, but at £45 it was out of my price range. In the sale today it was £19 and my discount made it £15.20. Fantastic. The only problem is that it is size 12. Can't quite fasten it, but I WILL GET THERE!

My eating has been quite "normal" today. I have started to implement the principles of the book I'm reading. They are basically to eat when hungry and stop when full. Not rocket science I know but the fact of they way they are put in the book feels like it was written for me!

As I mentioned in an earlier post I have been keeping food records for the last few weeks and tonight I sat down and re-read them. The facts are quite stark and depressing. Out of 19 days I have 38 episodes I would classify as "binge" eating. I also counted the number of "proper" meals I have had in that time. I have only had a proper evening meal on 7 nights. All were at my mum's or once at a restaurant (xmas eve), 3 of the occassions at my mum's were xmas day, boxing day and yesterday. The conclusion is that I eat rubbish and don't cook for myself. I only eat what I can grab and open, and shove in quickly. LL might have helped in lots of ways but it was too easy to prepare foodpacks and I'm continuing in the same way. My diet seems to consist of prepacked sandwiches, bread, ready meals and chocolate. Not exactly balanced! My new years resolution was to not have any resolutions, but I think I might need to implement one - to look after myself properly and eat balanced meals!

Finally I took the plunge and joined udate. Scary for me but what the hey! Had a wee chat with a guy already but I did make an excuse and run off. What am I like!
 
FatFairNForty(ish) said:
OOOhh, can't wait to meet you there Sarah!! :D

Hope the book reading pans out well for you hon.

See you very soon!

Love

Jennie xx
Click to expand...

Thanks Jennie, looking forward to meeting you too. There seems to be quite a lot of us going this time and I can honestly say that I have some of my best nights out up there! Just over a week to go!
 
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