Westiegirl: Restarted Day 1 Under my Belt!

Day 13 - Treat Time!

Day 13 and it's the weekend. What a treat! A lie in! Hurrah! Actually was wide awake at 5.45am so I put the news on till I fell asleep again. Woke at 8am and had a bit of a read in bed. That's a luxury. Had a coffee and a pint of water before getting up and having a shower. Lost another 2lbs today after being stuck for a few days. I know some people (yes you Jennie lol) hate scale hopping but it really doesn't matter to me if I go up or down a little day on day, I really only take notice of my weekly weigh ins anyway.

Last night I poured a banana tetra pack into 2 ramekin dishes and put them in the freezer. Had one of them for breakfast and it was lush! Last time I had a frozen tetra I did it in it's pack and I found it quite hard to eat properly but this way was easy, plus I had another one left for later.

Had to go to the shops to buy myself a new kettle and whilst I was out I decided to treat myself to a Tassimo machine. I told myself that if I did 2 weeks SSing I would allow myself a treat. Ok it's only day 13 today but I had to get a kettle so I thought I would do it all in one fell swoop!

Moved on to JJB Sports and bought a yoga mat. I have been using an exercise mat but it slips on the wooden floor in the hall where I do my class. This is a proper non-slip yoga mat. Finally went to Asda and got a few bits and pieces including some water and loads of tassimo disks to use in my machine. Kept away from the cappuccino and hot chocolate ones though lol!

Came home and have had about 500 cups of coffee (well OK, I exaggerate a touch) and the other half of my frozen tetra and my bar. So far feeling OK. Still have a pack left although I've not reached danger time yet.

Just sitting down to watch the rugby which might be followed by a little snooze and then more coffee (I did buy some decaff as well coz I do actually want to go to sleep tonight!).

Ahhhhh, Saturday afternoons on the sofa watching sport - bliss!
 
Well it's 12.40am and i can't sleep. There's lots of stuff churning in my head and i needed to get it out of there into some coherent format so i can actually get some rest!

I'm feeling very low at the moment (almost in tears as I write this), but more confused than anything else. I have been "forced" to think about some things that have been bothering me for a while and I guess I want to deal with them whilst they are fresh in my head.

Self esteem is the name of the game! Been thinking about myself and my personal image and how bad I always feel about myself. Tonight I have been having a quiet night in and ended up chatting with J on MSN for hours. He is having a rough time at the moment and I wanted to be his friend. All well and good, but then he talked a lot about last weekend and the regrets he had about us not working out and was basically really nice to me. I got the impression that he still really likes me and that he wants us to continue where we left off in our "cyber relationship". When I said we were just friends he said he still hoped for more. Now my problem is not dealing with J and our relationship at all but is to do with my self image. Before we met I put myself down to him and told him not to be disappointed when he met me and I looked totally different to my picture. Tonight, what he has told me has got me thinking about how warped my perceptions of myself are. I did mention this in an earlier post but if he still likes me then surely I can't be that bad? I cringe every time I look in the mirror. I hate what I see (usually) although the last week it has been a little better. That also worries me because it is almost like I need validation from another person to feel worthy.

When we said goodnight I switched the light off and tried to get to sleep but thoughts have just been bombarding me and most of them are quite deep, and they are all to do with my past relationships or lack thereof!

So back in the beginning, school, I must say I was not one of the popular crowd. I didn't have a boyfriend all through school. I fancied boys and when I look back on it I'm pretty sure that some of them liked me too, but the ones I liked were the quiet, studious and shy kind who probably never had the nerve to ask me out and I was certainly not brave enough to ask them! So my perception of myself at what was probably a crucial age was that I was hideous. I look back at pictures now and you know what, I look normal! Just a girl, normal build, short hair, pretty smile but just shy. Nobody loved me (except my parents and they don't count lol). But when I was 16 I discovered a friend - food! I would come home from school and feel so lonely I would eat, and that's where my bad habit started. I had friends but again at that crucial age my best friend moved away (some of you have met her - the lovely Kerry) and I felt so isolated. Most of my other friends had boyfriends and wanted to hang around with them instead. It was such a lonely time in my life and I think it has had a major impact on what has followed. Peer acceptance I guess has a major role to play in our lives.

University was where I actually felt I had found my place, although the afterschool binging had taken its toll and I weighed over 13stone then. I did have a rough first term in a shared house with 3 other guys. One of them was nice as pie on his own but was badly influenced by some of his pals and the worst thing was when I came home one day and opened my kitchen cupboard to find a piece of paper taped inside that said "Big Bertha". I locked myself in my room and cried for what seemed like days. Luckily I made some good friends and managed to hot foot it out of that place into private lodgings. After that things did get better and whilst I didn't have a serious relationship for the first 2 years I had a blast. Well that's the impression I gave out. All my flatmates were in relationships and I was still single. Since I was 14 I have kept a written diary and reading back on the uni ones I realise how many people actually did like me. The trouble is that it wasn't mutual. The ones I liked didn't like me and vice versa. One guy spent almost 2 years pursuing me (he even got himself a welsh girlfriend with long dark hair after I told him I wasn't interested), mind you that didn't stop him trying to get with me when she went home for weekends. Still after all this I was still hideous wasn't I? It seems ridiculous writing this down and I'm not even sure it will all remain once I've re-read it. I actually feel guilty and bigheaded for writing that I had my own admirer for such a long time. See told ya I was warped. Why the hell not would someone like me - because I am hideous that's why!!!!!

In my final year I met David and we were together for 14 years, but even that didn't convince me that I was worthy (probably a big factor in our relationship breakdown). I always figured I trapped him because I was a sophisticated (as if) final year student and he was a naive 1st year. Yeh right, coz that was reason enough to keep him with me for 14 years! In my head he stayed because it was easier for him to do so than to leave me, not because he wanted to. In the end it became true, we stayed together for a number years longer than we should have done as we had grown apart so much. Both clinging on because we were afraid of the alternative. In the end he did the wrong thing by cheating on me with a Uma Thurman lookalike (although she's not nearly as beautiful as Uma IMHO - biased me? never!). That was a final nail in my self esteem coffin. The weight piled on and relationships were totally abandoned. We have been split for just over 2 years and in that time I have built up a barrier that no-one can penetrate, until last year.

Realising how miserable I was I started LL and lost 6 stone in weight. By last summer I had been approached by more guys than I had in a long time (funnily enough most were from my work) and I don't know whether it was because I was more confident or because I was more attractive. But still no relationships. This has still troubled me deeply and once again the feelings of lonliness arose. It's all very well having a snog (god what am I, a blumming teenager lol) but a totally different thing to have a relationship. Umm, so my conclusion again is that I am unattractive and unlovable. Hideous infact! Since moving back to Wales I have had my ups and downs. Lonliness again became my enemy and in my dark days before Christmas I put 2 stone back on - food is my friend lol!

When I went on Zoodate I never expected to do anything more than flirt, I never expected to get a weekend date out of it. I tried to put J off until I had lost the weight again but he wasn't having any of it. So it is a shame that we didn't work out (but I really didn't fancy him in person, although over the phone is a different matter ;)). So now where am I? Back where I started, still single but with better prospects and more confidence. Have had a couple of chats with R (he phoned me from the pub tonight) and we have a date lined up on Thursday. The thing is that I am beggining to realise that I ain't that bad after all, and people do like me, for being me. I might not be a model or beautiful but I am normal and there is nothing wrong with that. I am still the same girl I was back in my teenage pictures - (almost) normal build, longer hair, a few wrinkles and a pretty smile. What goes around comes around.

I am sorry that I have discovered that I need validation from a man to make me feel whole but I am learning to accept that and hopefully build on it and build up my own validation. I guess I have my reasons for that because I never had the experiences when I was younger, which even to my ears sounds sad and a lame excuse but if I face facts rather than hide from them then I can learn and move on. Perhaps things with R on Thursday will be the start of something good, maybe not, but at least I am giving it a go and not hiding myself and my heart away from the real world. I still have issues with the fact that he told me that my picture was lovely and again I tried to put myself down. I hate expectations! I guess if he doesn't like me I will soon know, but it won't make me a bad person or even hideous. I really need to learn that appearances aren't everything but I do find that hard because in my experience they have been :(. I can't actually recall anyone telling me that I am beautiful (again excepting parents). In my head my current thinking is thin=beautiful=worthy=lovable. In this rational moment of writing this down I know that this is codswallop but ask me again in the morning when I wake up with my hair a mess, anytime I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, when I go to work and have a crap day or basically anytime when I am not keeping a reign on these bad thoughts! I still have a lot to learn don't i?

The tears are no longer threatening and I feel much lighter by writing this down. Anyone who has bothered to read this far, I'm sorry it was rambling, but boy it has been therapeutic!
 
Well it's 12.40am and i can't sleep. There's lots of stuff churning in my head and i needed to get it out of there into some coherent format so i can actually get some rest!

I'm feeling very low at the moment (almost in tears as I write this), but more confused than anything else. I have been "forced" to think about some things that have been bothering me for a while and I guess I want to deal with them whilst they are fresh in my head.

Self esteem is the name of the game! Been thinking about myself and my personal image and how bad I always feel about myself. Tonight I have been having a quiet night in and ended up chatting with J on MSN for hours. He is having a rough time at the moment and I wanted to be his friend. All well and good, but then he talked a lot about last weekend and the regrets he had about us not working out and was basically really nice to me. I got the impression that he still really likes me and that he wants us to continue where we left off in our "cyber relationship". When I said we were just friends he said he still hoped for more. Now my problem is not dealing with J and our relationship at all but is to do with my self image. Before we met I put myself down to him and told him not to be disappointed when he met me and I looked totally different to my picture. Tonight, what he has told me has got me thinking about how warped my perceptions of myself are. I did mention this in an earlier post but if he still likes me then surely I can't be that bad? I cringe every time I look in the mirror. I hate what I see (usually) although the last week it has been a little better. That also worries me because it is almost like I need validation from another person to feel worthy.

When we said goodnight I switched the light off and tried to get to sleep but thoughts have just been bombarding me and most of them are quite deep, and they are all to do with my past relationships or lack thereof!

So back in the beginning, school, I must say I was not one of the popular crowd. I didn't have a boyfriend all through school. I fancied boys and when I look back on it I'm pretty sure that some of them liked me too, but the ones I liked were the quiet, studious and shy kind who probably never had the nerve to ask me out and I was certainly not brave enough to ask them! So my perception of myself at what was probably a crucial age was that I was hideous. I look back at pictures now and you know what, I look normal! Just a girl, normal build, short hair, pretty smile but just shy. Nobody loved me (except my parents and they don't count lol). But when I was 16 I discovered a friend - food! I would come home from school and feel so lonely I would eat, and that's where my bad habit started. I had friends but again at that crucial age my best friend moved away (some of you have met her - the lovely Kerry) and I felt so isolated. Most of my other friends had boyfriends and wanted to hang around with them instead. It was such a lonely time in my life and I think it has had a major impact on what has followed. Peer acceptance I guess has a major role to play in our lives.

University was where I actually felt I had found my place, although the afterschool binging had taken its toll and I weighed over 13stone then. I did have a rough first term in a shared house with 3 other guys. One of them was nice as pie on his own but was badly influenced by some of his pals and the worst thing was when I came home one day and opened my kitchen cupboard to find a piece of paper taped inside that said "Big Bertha". I locked myself in my room and cried for what seemed like days. Luckily I made some good friends and managed to hot foot it out of that place into private lodgings. After that things did get better and whilst I didn't have a serious relationship for the first 2 years I had a blast. Well that's the impression I gave out. All my flatmates were in relationships and I was still single. Since I was 14 I have kept a written diary and reading back on the uni ones I realise how many people actually did like me. The trouble is that it wasn't mutual. The ones I liked didn't like me and vice versa. One guy spent almost 2 years pursuing me (he even got himself a welsh girlfriend with long dark hair after I told him I wasn't interested), mind you that didn't stop him trying to get with me when she went home for weekends. Still after all this I was still hideous wasn't I? It seems ridiculous writing this down and I'm not even sure it will all remain once I've re-read it. I actually feel guilty and bigheaded for writing that I had my own admirer for such a long time. See told ya I was warped. Why the hell not would someone like me - because I am hideous that's why!!!!!

In my final year I met David and we were together for 14 years, but even that didn't convince me that I was worthy (probably a big factor in our relationship breakdown). I always figured I trapped him because I was a sophisticated (as if) final year student and he was a naive 1st year. Yeh right, coz that was reason enough to keep him with me for 14 years! In my head he stayed because it was easier for him to do so than to leave me, not because he wanted to. In the end it became true, we stayed together for a number years longer than we should have done as we had grown apart so much. Both clinging on because we were afraid of the alternative. In the end he did the wrong thing by cheating on me with a Uma Thurman lookalike (although she's not nearly as beautiful as Uma IMHO - biased me? never!). That was a final nail in my self esteem coffin. The weight piled on and relationships were totally abandoned. We have been split for just over 2 years and in that time I have built up a barrier that no-one can penetrate, until last year.

Realising how miserable I was I started LL and lost 6 stone in weight. By last summer I had been approached by more guys than I had in a long time (funnily enough most were from my work) and I don't know whether it was because I was more confident or because I was more attractive. But still no relationships. This has still troubled me deeply and once again the feelings of lonliness arose. It's all very well having a snog (god what am I, a blumming teenager lol) but a totally different thing to have a relationship. Umm, so my conclusion again is that I am unattractive and unlovable. Hideous infact! Since moving back to Wales I have had my ups and downs. Lonliness again became my enemy and in my dark days before Christmas I put 2 stone back on - food is my friend lol!

When I went on Zoodate I never expected to do anything more than flirt, I never expected to get a weekend date out of it. I tried to put J off until I had lost the weight again but he wasn't having any of it. So it is a shame that we didn't work out (but I really didn't fancy him in person, although over the phone is a different matter ;)). So now where am I? Back where I started, still single but with better prospects and more confidence. Have had a couple of chats with R (he phoned me from the pub tonight) and we have a date lined up on Thursday. The thing is that I am beggining to realise that I ain't that bad after all, and people do like me, for being me. I might not be a model or beautiful but I am normal and there is nothing wrong with that. I am still the same girl I was back in my teenage pictures - (almost) normal build, longer hair, a few wrinkles and a pretty smile. What goes around comes around.

I am sorry that I have discovered that I need validation from a man to make me feel whole but I am learning to accept that and hopefully build on it and build up my own validation. I guess I have my reasons for that because I never had the experiences when I was younger, which even to my ears sounds sad and a lame excuse but if I face facts rather than hide from them then I can learn and move on. Perhaps things with R on Thursday will be the start of something good, maybe not, but at least I am giving it a go and not hiding myself and my heart away from the real world. I still have issues with the fact that he told me that my picture was lovely and again I tried to put myself down. I hate expectations! I guess if he doesn't like me I will soon know, but it won't make me a bad person or even hideous. I really need to learn that appearances aren't everything but I do find that hard because in my experience they have been :(. I can't actually recall anyone telling me that I am beautiful (again excepting parents). In my head my current thinking is thin=beautiful=worthy=lovable. In this rational moment of writing this down I know that this is codswallop but ask me again in the morning when I wake up with my hair a mess, anytime I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, when I go to work and have a crap day or basically anytime when I am not keeping a reign on these bad thoughts! I still have a lot to learn don't i?

The tears are no longer threatening and I feel much lighter by writing this down. Anyone who has bothered to read this far, I'm sorry it was rambling, but boy it has been therapeutic!

I hear you honey! I hear each and every word as though I were speaking to myself. :(

((hugs))

Keep telling yourself you are lovely and you are beautiful and one day it will sink in and one day you'll believe it. It's a long process, one I'm going through now. Learn to like who you are and what you stand for (I'm talking about likeing the internal you as well as the physical you).

Yep, all those guys can't be wrong BUT really it all has to come from you inside.

Love C-C
 
It' s great isn't it Sarah, that we can come to this place and write it all down - rambling or not!

What you've written has not only struck a chord with me, but I bet with lots of other people reading it too. You are not alone having these thoughts about yourself. I saw some photos of when I was young at Christmas and was struck at how normal I looked, and pretty. I certainly never felt normal or pretty!

It is only recently that I have started to realise that I am an ok person - not horrible. This has enabled me to see that there is a better future out there. My core beliefs about myself are slowly changing - for the better.

You'll know all about discounting, Sarah, and this is something that I have become aware that I do; when someone says something nice about you or to you, your inner voice immediately argues against it or 'discounts' what has been said. It is terribly destructive and I am slowly learning to challenge these inner voices.

It sounds like you are starting to heal yourself and that's good. Keep posting, rambling or not. As you say, it is theraputic, and not just for you!
 
Hiya Sarah, read your post, and I completely understand where your coming from, I could write nearly the same about meself if the truth be known, hope it helped getting it off your chest and that you wake up this morning, proud and happy with yourself, I've met ya and your lovely inside and out, now all we gotta do is convince ourselves of these facts LOL....:p
 
Hey hun..I completely get wat you have said, and I am glad you have managed to get it all out, tears or no tears!!

Hopefully, now that you have written it all down it will make it easier for you to deal with the issues you have....its mental though, losing weight just uncovers so much more in our lives, I know I am terrified of some of the demons I will have to face!

Anyway, keep at it hun, your doing fab....have a great day!
 
Hi Sarah

I so admire your posting those feelings, mainly because it was and is therapeutic to do so, but also, because by putting them down 'on paper' so to speak - you are accepting that you have them, have had them and how you do feel now. I want to tell you - you ARE beautiful, on lots of levels! (and I'm not your parent). I totally, and guess loads of others will too, hear what you are saying and yes.. been there etc etc. But this isn't about me, it's about you...

You are such a lovely person and I am sure that self-confidence, and self-esteem are major parts of this dieting malarky. Because we don't think and plan food all day we start to think about other things in our lives.. and the past in particular rears its sometimes ugly head.

You are a brilliant strong woman and whether you realise it or not, you have a very attractive personality and, are pretty too!! So.. the key is to like yourself first and then love yourself. Being happy and single is the most attractive trait a possible suitor can see (ironically). :D

I don't know how one gets to like oneself, or love oneself.. but I know those who do and they are at peace with themselves.. and that is what makes their lives complete.

Dunno where I am rambling off to.. lol.. but just kinda wanted to thank you .. and to encourage you that you really are a truly beautiful girl.
 
So back in the beginning, school, I must say I was not one of the popular crowd. I didn't have a boyfriend all through school. I fancied boys and when I look back on it I'm pretty sure that some of them liked me too, but the ones I liked were the quiet, studious and shy kind who probably never had the nerve to ask me out and I was certainly not brave enough to ask them! So my perception of myself at what was probably a crucial age was that I was hideous. I look back at pictures now and you know what, I look normal! Just a girl, normal build, short hair, pretty smile but just shy. Nobody loved me (except my parents and they don't count lol). But when I was 16 I discovered a friend - food! I would come home from school and feel so lonely I would eat, and that's where my bad habit started. I had friends but again at that crucial age my best friend moved away (some of you have met her - the lovely Kerry) and I felt so isolated. Most of my other friends had boyfriends and wanted to hang around with them instead. It was such a lonely time in my life and I think it has had a major impact on what has followed. Peer acceptance I guess has a major role to play in our lives.

University was where I actually felt I had found my place, although the afterschool binging had taken its toll and I weighed over 13stone then. I did have a rough first term in a shared house with 3 other guys. One of them was nice as pie on his own but was badly influenced by some of his pals and the worst thing was when I came home one day and opened my kitchen cupboard to find a piece of paper taped inside that said "Big Bertha". I locked myself in my room and cried for what seemed like days. Luckily I made some good friends and managed to hot foot it out of that place into private lodgings. After that things did get better and whilst I didn't have a serious relationship for the first 2 years I had a blast. Well that's the impression I gave out. All my flatmates were in relationships and I was still single. Since I was 14 I have kept a written diary and reading back on the uni ones I realise how many people actually did like me. The trouble is that it wasn't mutual. The ones I liked didn't like me and vice versa. One guy spent almost 2 years pursuing me (he even got himself a welsh girlfriend with long dark hair after I told him I wasn't interested), mind you that didn't stop him trying to get with me when she went home for weekends. Still after all this I was still hideous wasn't I? It seems ridiculous writing this down and I'm not even sure it will all remain once I've re-read it. I actually feel guilty and bigheaded for writing that I had my own admirer for such a long time. See told ya I was warped. Why the hell not would someone like me - because I am hideous that's why!!!!!

In my final year I met David and we were together for 14 years, but even that didn't convince me that I was worthy (probably a big factor in our relationship breakdown). I always figured I trapped him because I was a sophisticated (as if) final year student and he was a naive 1st year. Yeh right, coz that was reason enough to keep him with me for 14 years! In my head he stayed because it was easier for him to do so than to leave me, not because he wanted to. In the end it became true, we stayed together for a number years longer than we should have done as we had grown apart so much. Both clinging on because we were afraid of the alternative. In the end he did the wrong thing by cheating on me with a Uma Thurman lookalike (although she's not nearly as beautiful as Uma IMHO - biased me? never!). That was a final nail in my self esteem coffin. The weight piled on and relationships were totally abandoned. We have been split for just over 2 years and in that time I have built up a barrier that no-one can penetrate, until last year.

Realising how miserable I was I started LL and lost 6 stone in weight. By last summer I had been approached by more guys than I had in a long time (funnily enough most were from my work) and I don't know whether it was because I was more confident or because I was more attractive. But still no relationships. This has still troubled me deeply and once again the feelings of lonliness arose. It's all very well having a snog (god what am I, a blumming teenager lol) but a totally different thing to have a relationship. Umm, so my conclusion again is that I am unattractive and unlovable. Hideous infact! Since moving back to Wales I have had my ups and downs. Lonliness again became my enemy and in my dark days before Christmas I put 2 stone back on - food is my friend lol!

When I went on Zoodate I never expected to do anything more than flirt, I never expected to get a weekend date out of it. I tried to put J off until I had lost the weight again but he wasn't having any of it. So it is a shame that we didn't work out (but I really didn't fancy him in person, although over the phone is a different matter ;)). So now where am I? Back where I started, still single but with better prospects and more confidence. Have had a couple of chats with R (he phoned me from the pub tonight) and we have a date lined up on Thursday. The thing is that I am beggining to realise that I ain't that bad after all, and people do like me, for being me. I might not be a model or beautiful but I am normal and there is nothing wrong with that. I am still the same girl I was back in my teenage pictures - (almost) normal build, longer hair, a few wrinkles and a pretty smile. What goes around comes around.

I am sorry that I have discovered that I need validation from a man to make me feel whole but I am learning to accept that and hopefully build on it and build up my own validation. I guess I have my reasons for that because I never had the experiences when I was younger, which even to my ears sounds sad and a lame excuse but if I face facts rather than hide from them then I can learn and move on. Perhaps things with R on Thursday will be the start of something good, maybe not, but at least I am giving it a go and not hiding myself and my heart away from the real world. I still have issues with the fact that he told me that my picture was lovely and again I tried to put myself down. I hate expectations! I guess if he doesn't like me I will soon know, but it won't make me a bad person or even hideous. I really need to learn that appearances aren't everything but I do find that hard because in my experience they have been :(. I can't actually recall anyone telling me that I am beautiful (again excepting parents). In my head my current thinking is thin=beautiful=worthy=lovable. In this rational moment of writing this down I know that this is codswallop but ask me again in the morning when I wake up with my hair a mess, anytime I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, when I go to work and have a crap day or basically anytime when I am not keeping a reign on these bad thoughts! I still have a lot to learn don't i?

The tears are no longer threatening and I feel much lighter by writing this down. Anyone who has bothered to read this far, I'm sorry it was rambling, but boy it has been therapeutic!

Eeeeek! A lot of ouch moments for me reading that (god, did that sound a bit 'therapy'? Sorry if it did!), cos a lot of it applies to me and my perceptions of myself.

Don't know what else to say, but you have provided some thoughts for me for today!

D xxx
 
Really moving, thought provoking, well thought out stuff.

So glad you've come to some of those realisations, and that you've shared it here.

Just wanted to say good luck.
The work of sorting out self esteem seems never ending but has many pay offs along the way as you're finding.

You're lovely and deserve happiness and a loving secure relationship. It's odd how it might initially have to be affirmed and reaffirmed externally before we get it internally- but you will.
 
Hi Sarah

Good for you for getting it all out hun... As everyone else has said though i think what you're feeling is pretty normal. Most people are their own worst critic. I am very hard on myself and also don't feel worthy of many things, despite having a very good job, big house, nice car etc etc.. A lot of people tell me they are jealous of me - wtf??? Always shocks me!!

I think sometimes we over analyse things, it's quite natural to do so. But sometimes we do have to take stock and appreciate the good things we have in life. (note to self to take own advice lol).

Re the dating - i always think i'm not going to be good enough, i get so nervous before dates and am always surprised if someone says i'm good looking.

But i've learned to accept the compliments now and also to enjoy them! I've been dating for yonks now and i guess i'm used to it, you are only just beginning this part of your life journey so just go with the flow.

You are a beautiful person inside and out, if you are vocally negative about yourself people will believe you. If you are positive about yourself again people will believe it!

It's not easy to make the change but it sounds like you're ready for it and i know you can do it!

Take it easy and be kind to yourself darling...
 
Have been feeling quite introspective this morning, thinking about last nights post. Have just re-read it and it isn't as bad as I remembered lol!

Everyone who has replied: CC, AmandaJayne, Caz, Kazz, Jennie, Kate, Dom and Karen I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. It was hard to write (took me over an hour!) and I appreciate how supportive you all are.

I hear you honey! I hear each and every word as though I were speaking to myself. :(

((hugs))

Keep telling yourself you are lovely and you are beautiful and one day it will sink in and one day you'll believe it. It's a long process, one I'm going through now. Learn to like who you are and what you stand for (I'm talking about likeing the internal you as well as the physical you).

Yep, all those guys can't be wrong BUT really it all has to come from you inside.

Love C-C

I know that I have to learn to like me then love me, and I guess I am taking the first steps.

It' s great isn't it Sarah, that we can come to this place and write it all down - rambling or not!

What you've written has not only struck a chord with me, but I bet with lots of other people reading it too. You are not alone having these thoughts about yourself. I saw some photos of when I was young at Christmas and was struck at how normal I looked, and pretty. I certainly never felt normal or pretty!

It is only recently that I have started to realise that I am an ok person - not horrible. This has enabled me to see that there is a better future out there. My core beliefs about myself are slowly changing - for the better.

You'll know all about discounting, Sarah, and this is something that I have become aware that I do; when someone says something nice about you or to you, your inner voice immediately argues against it or 'discounts' what has been said. It is terribly destructive and I am slowly learning to challenge these inner voices.

It sounds like you are starting to heal yourself and that's good. Keep posting, rambling or not. As you say, it is theraputic, and not just for you!

I am the worst for discounting and my core beliefs are so negative against myself. Perhaps I should get out my LL books and read those chapters again!

Hiya Sarah, read your post, and I completely understand where your coming from, I could write nearly the same about meself if the truth be known, hope it helped getting it off your chest and that you wake up this morning, proud and happy with yourself, I've met ya and your lovely inside and out, now all we gotta do is convince ourselves of these facts LOL....:p

Thanks Caz, it has helped me immensely getting it off my chest. I guess we are all on here for the same thing and I suppose a lot of our experiences will be the same. Yes, let's start to convince ourselves!

Hey hun..I completely get wat you have said, and I am glad you have managed to get it all out, tears or no tears!!

Hopefully, now that you have written it all down it will make it easier for you to deal with the issues you have....its mental though, losing weight just uncovers so much more in our lives, I know I am terrified of some of the demons I will have to face!

Anyway, keep at it hun, your doing fab....have a great day!

Thanks Kazz, yes this diet is mental. You lose more than just weight when doing it. I don't think I faced my demons when I got to goal first time around but I'm not beating myself up about that - it was just circumstances (moving back to Wales) and that was a much bigger thing at the time. Now is the time I am starting to face them and it is scary but I can't put them back in the box!

Hi Sarah

I so admire your posting those feelings, mainly because it was and is therapeutic to do so, but also, because by putting them down 'on paper' so to speak - you are accepting that you have them, have had them and how you do feel now. I want to tell you - you ARE beautiful, on lots of levels! (and I'm not your parent). I totally, and guess loads of others will too, hear what you are saying and yes.. been there etc etc. But this isn't about me, it's about you...

You are such a lovely person and I am sure that self-confidence, and self-esteem are major parts of this dieting malarky. Because we don't think and plan food all day we start to think about other things in our lives.. and the past in particular rears its sometimes ugly head.

You are a brilliant strong woman and whether you realise it or not, you have a very attractive personality and, are pretty too!! So.. the key is to like yourself first and then love yourself. Being happy and single is the most attractive trait a possible suitor can see (ironically). :D

I don't know how one gets to like oneself, or love oneself.. but I know those who do and they are at peace with themselves.. and that is what makes their lives complete.

Dunno where I am rambling off to.. lol.. but just kinda wanted to thank you .. and to encourage you that you really are a truly beautiful girl.

Thanks Jennie. You are so right, I must start to like myself first and I really think that I am beginning to. It's sad that it's taken a man to help me realise this but that is the way it is. I have always hidden myself away and really thought that I was a boring, ugly old hag! But after talking to these guys on MSN and in person on the phone they still want to meet up so I must be doing something right! I don't know why that amazes me so much but it does! I am glad you are not my parent (you'd be the youngest mum in the world lol) because it means you are my friend! Thank you!

Eeeeek! A lot of ouch moments for me reading that (god, did that sound a bit 'therapy'? Sorry if it did!), cos a lot of it applies to me and my perceptions of myself.

Don't know what else to say, but you have provided some thoughts for me for today!

D xxx

Thanks Dom, didn't mean to make you squeak on a sunday morning! Hope you don't spend too much introspective time on the weekend but if it did make you think I am glad I wrote it.

Really moving, thought provoking, well thought out stuff.

So glad you've come to some of those realisations, and that you've shared it here.

Just wanted to say good luck.
The work of sorting out self esteem seems never ending but has many pay offs along the way as you're finding.

You're lovely and deserve happiness and a loving secure relationship. It's odd how it might initially have to be affirmed and reaffirmed externally before we get it internally- but you will.

Thanks Kate, yes you are right about being affirmed externally first. I guess that is what happens when we are young and what we build our futures on. A baby isn't born knowing it is loved is it! I have never had a problem with parental affirmation, I have always felt loved. I am beggining to realise that I did get a lot more affirmation from my peers than I thought I did but I guess I was guilty of discounting even back then. It's nobodies fault and I guess I am just starting to learn some lessons others have learnt before me. I suppose I am just a late bloomer lol!

Hi Sarah

Good for you for getting it all out hun... As everyone else has said though i think what you're feeling is pretty normal. Most people are their own worst critic. I am very hard on myself and also don't feel worthy of many things, despite having a very good job, big house, nice car etc etc.. A lot of people tell me they are jealous of me - wtf??? Always shocks me!!

I think sometimes we over analyse things, it's quite natural to do so. But sometimes we do have to take stock and appreciate the good things we have in life. (note to self to take own advice lol).

Re the dating - i always think i'm not going to be good enough, i get so nervous before dates and am always surprised if someone says i'm good looking.

But i've learned to accept the compliments now and also to enjoy them! I've been dating for yonks now and i guess i'm used to it, you are only just beginning this part of your life journey so just go with the flow.

You are a beautiful person inside and out, if you are vocally negative about yourself people will believe you. If you are positive about yourself again people will believe it!

It's not easy to make the change but it sounds like you're ready for it and i know you can do it!

Take it easy and be kind to yourself darling...

Karen, ok let's have a pact, we'll both appreciate what we have an not put ourselves down, ok? You are worthy of the things you have, afterall you have worked hard for them. Nobody has ever given me anything on a plate but all I have is earned by my own hands (well a lot of still belongs to the credit card company lol). Yes we are our own worst critics but the change does have to start somewhere, so mine begins now!
 
Hi Sarah, I'm sure you can probably gather from what I've written about myself, but i can relate to what you wrote soooo much. I think I ended up marrying my first real boyfriend because I didn't think I'd ever find anyone else to like me, then I used to think he stayed with me purely for the kids (had 3 within 12 months so was very hard work and had no money). Then once I finally got the confidence to get rid of him I still thought I wasn't worth anything so took what was on offer rather than holding out for what i wanted. Now, since I've started CD and looking at things a different way like you're doing, I am fighting with myself constantly over how worthy or whatever that I really am. the way i feel changes in a matter of seconds but I do need to hol don to the good feelings for longer, as do you.

J was a seriously good thing for you, not just because of what he's said, but the fact that you knew he wasnt for you and you didn't just keep things going with him just because he wanted you was a fantastic way to prove to yourself that you are worthy of something better, and your self esteem is probably higher than you realise. if you're like me then it'll be up and down a lot but it is there, you just need to work on it so it keeps getting higher and higher all the time (but not too high lol)
 
Day 14 - Introspective But Calmer

So I have reached day 14. The longest uninterrupted stretch I have done in a long time. Feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel now. Another 2 weeks until my friends wedding and I hope to lose another half a stone by then.

As I mentioned in the last post I woke up feeling quite introspective after last nights ramblings. Did give myself some positive affirmations by wearing a cheeky pair of knickers I bought last week. They say "I'm not perfect but bits of me are incredible!". Now that is just for me coz there ain't anyone who will be seeing my pants but me today!

Managed to occupy myself for a while because I couldn't face what I had written at the time and come back to my thread. Read some other peoples threads and had a quick scoot over to Zoodate. P was on there but didn't say hello. He's burnt his bridges with me now. He's doing his aloof thing again, but trying to tell me that there is no one else. He was texting me loads last week and was pushing to arrange a meeting but this week nothing. Confronted him on MSN last night and he said there is no one else
and that he was sorry and would try harder. I just felt like he's hedging his bets and I told him that I really didn't mind if there was someone else but I don't appreciate being played and he should tell me if he wasn't interested. He swore he was. He even called me and I told him the same over the phone. He was on his way out to his mates (yeah right) and he said he would text me and we'd have a proper chat on Sunday. So far nothing! No contact, no text or anything. Umm, that's it. I didn't even like him THAT much. He was sweet and made me laugh but I don't need the hassle! So if he calls I ain't answering and if contacts me on MSN then I'll tell him where to go. I told him yesterday that I'm not high maintenance (I am really lol) but I'm not low maintenance either and I won't be ignored! He promised he wouldn't but he has so bye bye P! I'm not saying that he can't be involved with anyone else - who am I to talk lol, but I ain't playing second fiddle to anyone!

I took a walk down the town this morning because I needed to get a padded envelope to send J a copy of the Snow Patrol album. I did him a copy last week but it was jumping so I promised another one. I asked if he had been listening to it and he said it hasn't been out of his CD player. Oh dear, he ain't letting go yet is he! Trouble is I don't want to encourage him but I secretly like the attention (ok not secretly at all, as you can tell by my deep post from last night - crave the attention!). Feel like it makes me a shallow hal!

I was also looking for a couple of espresso cups because I bought some pods for my tassimo machine yesterday. However no luck. Goddarn it, how hard is it to buy an espresso cup in this godforsaken town lol! It's winter in wales and almost everywhere is closed in Llandudno on a sunday, i'm not in Edinburgh now you know!

Came home and had another new taste sensation. Whilst reading Caz's thread last night I was reminded about putting tetras into coffee so I had half a choc tetra in a tassimo crema coffee (the one with the froth on the top) and it was lush! Put the other half into a ramekin into the freezer which I will have later when it has solidified. Yum! Also had half a peanut bar dipped in the coffee, umm, melting chocolate!

So now it is sofa time again, football or rugby, umm, tough choice! Might have to flick a bit, but whatever it ends up as being it's gonna involve drinking coffee lol!
 
Hi Sarah, I'm sure you can probably gather from what I've written about myself, but i can relate to what you wrote soooo much. I think I ended up marrying my first real boyfriend because I didn't think I'd ever find anyone else to like me, then I used to think he stayed with me purely for the kids (had 3 within 12 months so was very hard work and had no money). Then once I finally got the confidence to get rid of him I still thought I wasn't worth anything so took what was on offer rather than holding out for what i wanted. Now, since I've started CD and looking at things a different way like you're doing, I am fighting with myself constantly over how worthy or whatever that I really am. the way i feel changes in a matter of seconds but I do need to hol don to the good feelings for longer, as do you.

J was a seriously good thing for you, not just because of what he's said, but the fact that you knew he wasnt for you and you didn't just keep things going with him just because he wanted you was a fantastic way to prove to yourself that you are worthy of something better, and your self esteem is probably higher than you realise. if you're like me then it'll be up and down a lot but it is there, you just need to work on it so it keeps getting higher and higher all the time (but not too high lol)

Hi Nikki, yes I realise that you feel the same as me in lots of ways having read your thread. Lots of the negative things you have said about yourself have struck a chord with me and that is why I wanted to reply to you on there. It's easier to be kinder to someone else than it is to yourself. Why do we do it to ourselves? You and me, hunny, need to work on this and together we shall! I am here for you too, so holler if you are feeling low!
 
lol I like the sound of those knickers, they're good fun at least

i know what you mean about wanting the attention off J because you do like him as a friend it the attentio is very flatterin. To be honest he bloke I'm going to see Keane with is like that. He's a lovely bloke but we will be nothing more than friends because I don't want anything more. i was telling him about me having a date tonight and he said he was jealous because he wants me himself. I've told him again and again that nothing will happen so I guess he takes friendship over nothing. Maybe he and J need to work on their self esteem too...

i haven't tried the tetra in the coffee yet but I usually have vanilla packs in mine, I like that. it just seems too weird to have cohocolate or banana coffee lol

and same goes for you too. If you're feeling low and want someone to talk to just give me a holler too :)
 
Day 14 - Sunday Night Blues

Day 14 is almost over and I have made it through the weekend by the skin of my teeth. Must admit to having 4 packs both days but no food.

I am sitting here feeling a little low again. Think it's sunday night blues, hate having to go back to work on a monday morning. I hated not working but I still hate it when the weekend is over! Hard to please aren't I? Umm, definately high maintenance!

I think half my problem is tiredness but it is too late for a nap and too early for bed. If I went to bed now I would wake up far too early. I can also smell my mum and dad's dinner. It smells like a roast and it is driving me mad. I shut the door to my lounge firmly but I'm still getting wafts. The trouble is that my flat is still "open plan" - no door to separate us yet and I can smell every meal they have. Garlic smells are the worst!

Feeling a little lonely again too. It's sunday night and I have only seen my family all weekend. Other than cyberspace interaction no other contact. I am taking steps to make friends, like the classes I have joined but it is at times like this I feel isolated. I can't even go downstairs and chat with the parents because they are eating and I couldn't bare it. God I am a sad b*tch!
 
Well it's 12.40am and i can't sleep. There's lots of stuff churning in my head and i needed to get it out of there into some coherent format so i can actually get some rest!

I'm feeling very low at the moment (almost in tears as I write this), but more confused than anything else. I have been "forced" to think about some things that have been bothering me for a while and I guess I want to deal with them whilst they are fresh in my head.

Self esteem is the name of the game! Been thinking about myself and my personal image and how bad I always feel about myself. Tonight I have been having a quiet night in and ended up chatting with J on MSN for hours. He is having a rough time at the moment and I wanted to be his friend. All well and good, but then he talked a lot about last weekend and the regrets he had about us not working out and was basically really nice to me. I got the impression that he still really likes me and that he wants us to continue where we left off in our "cyber relationship". When I said we were just friends he said he still hoped for more. Now my problem is not dealing with J and our relationship at all but is to do with my self image. Before we met I put myself down to him and told him not to be disappointed when he met me and I looked totally different to my picture. Tonight, what he has told me has got me thinking about how warped my perceptions of myself are. I did mention this in an earlier post but if he still likes me then surely I can't be that bad? I cringe every time I look in the mirror. I hate what I see (usually) although the last week it has been a little better. That also worries me because it is almost like I need validation from another person to feel worthy.

When we said goodnight I switched the light off and tried to get to sleep but thoughts have just been bombarding me and most of them are quite deep, and they are all to do with my past relationships or lack thereof!

So back in the beginning, school, I must say I was not one of the popular crowd. I didn't have a boyfriend all through school. I fancied boys and when I look back on it I'm pretty sure that some of them liked me too, but the ones I liked were the quiet, studious and shy kind who probably never had the nerve to ask me out and I was certainly not brave enough to ask them! So my perception of myself at what was probably a crucial age was that I was hideous. I look back at pictures now and you know what, I look normal! Just a girl, normal build, short hair, pretty smile but just shy. Nobody loved me (except my parents and they don't count lol). But when I was 16 I discovered a friend - food! I would come home from school and feel so lonely I would eat, and that's where my bad habit started. I had friends but again at that crucial age my best friend moved away (some of you have met her - the lovely Kerry) and I felt so isolated. Most of my other friends had boyfriends and wanted to hang around with them instead. It was such a lonely time in my life and I think it has had a major impact on what has followed. Peer acceptance I guess has a major role to play in our lives.

University was where I actually felt I had found my place, although the afterschool binging had taken its toll and I weighed over 13stone then. I did have a rough first term in a shared house with 3 other guys. One of them was nice as pie on his own but was badly influenced by some of his pals and the worst thing was when I came home one day and opened my kitchen cupboard to find a piece of paper taped inside that said "Big Bertha". I locked myself in my room and cried for what seemed like days. Luckily I made some good friends and managed to hot foot it out of that place into private lodgings. After that things did get better and whilst I didn't have a serious relationship for the first 2 years I had a blast. Well that's the impression I gave out. All my flatmates were in relationships and I was still single. Since I was 14 I have kept a written diary and reading back on the uni ones I realise how many people actually did like me. The trouble is that it wasn't mutual. The ones I liked didn't like me and vice versa. One guy spent almost 2 years pursuing me (he even got himself a welsh girlfriend with long dark hair after I told him I wasn't interested), mind you that didn't stop him trying to get with me when she went home for weekends. Still after all this I was still hideous wasn't I? It seems ridiculous writing this down and I'm not even sure it will all remain once I've re-read it. I actually feel guilty and bigheaded for writing that I had my own admirer for such a long time. See told ya I was warped. Why the hell not would someone like me - because I am hideous that's why!!!!!

In my final year I met David and we were together for 14 years, but even that didn't convince me that I was worthy (probably a big factor in our relationship breakdown). I always figured I trapped him because I was a sophisticated (as if) final year student and he was a naive 1st year. Yeh right, coz that was reason enough to keep him with me for 14 years! In my head he stayed because it was easier for him to do so than to leave me, not because he wanted to. In the end it became true, we stayed together for a number years longer than we should have done as we had grown apart so much. Both clinging on because we were afraid of the alternative. In the end he did the wrong thing by cheating on me with a Uma Thurman lookalike (although she's not nearly as beautiful as Uma IMHO - biased me? never!). That was a final nail in my self esteem coffin. The weight piled on and relationships were totally abandoned. We have been split for just over 2 years and in that time I have built up a barrier that no-one can penetrate, until last year.

Realising how miserable I was I started LL and lost 6 stone in weight. By last summer I had been approached by more guys than I had in a long time (funnily enough most were from my work) and I don't know whether it was because I was more confident or because I was more attractive. But still no relationships. This has still troubled me deeply and once again the feelings of lonliness arose. It's all very well having a snog (god what am I, a blumming teenager lol) but a totally different thing to have a relationship. Umm, so my conclusion again is that I am unattractive and unlovable. Hideous infact! Since moving back to Wales I have had my ups and downs. Lonliness again became my enemy and in my dark days before Christmas I put 2 stone back on - food is my friend lol!

When I went on Zoodate I never expected to do anything more than flirt, I never expected to get a weekend date out of it. I tried to put J off until I had lost the weight again but he wasn't having any of it. So it is a shame that we didn't work out (but I really didn't fancy him in person, although over the phone is a different matter ;)). So now where am I? Back where I started, still single but with better prospects and more confidence. Have had a couple of chats with R (he phoned me from the pub tonight) and we have a date lined up on Thursday. The thing is that I am beggining to realise that I ain't that bad after all, and people do like me, for being me. I might not be a model or beautiful but I am normal and there is nothing wrong with that. I am still the same girl I was back in my teenage pictures - (almost) normal build, longer hair, a few wrinkles and a pretty smile. What goes around comes around.

I am sorry that I have discovered that I need validation from a man to make me feel whole but I am learning to accept that and hopefully build on it and build up my own validation. I guess I have my reasons for that because I never had the experiences when I was younger, which even to my ears sounds sad and a lame excuse but if I face facts rather than hide from them then I can learn and move on. Perhaps things with R on Thursday will be the start of something good, maybe not, but at least I am giving it a go and not hiding myself and my heart away from the real world. I still have issues with the fact that he told me that my picture was lovely and again I tried to put myself down. I hate expectations! I guess if he doesn't like me I will soon know, but it won't make me a bad person or even hideous. I really need to learn that appearances aren't everything but I do find that hard because in my experience they have been :(. I can't actually recall anyone telling me that I am beautiful (again excepting parents). In my head my current thinking is thin=beautiful=worthy=lovable. In this rational moment of writing this down I know that this is codswallop but ask me again in the morning when I wake up with my hair a mess, anytime I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, when I go to work and have a crap day or basically anytime when I am not keeping a reign on these bad thoughts! I still have a lot to learn don't i?

The tears are no longer threatening and I feel much lighter by writing this down. Anyone who has bothered to read this far, I'm sorry it was rambling, but boy it has been therapeutic!

...."boy it has been therapeutic!"..

You said it darling!! :) I think what you did by bashing all that out on the keyboard will help you more than you even realise at the moment.

What an open post. I was sat here feeling every word with you and agreeing that this is only your perception and your self-esteem and hey...these are things that can be altered. They are not permanent. You are a fantastic lass, as they say here in Yorkshire. You WILL have what you want when the time is right for you.:)

Can't wait to meet up again. I think you have had an incredible 12 months and your determination often leaves me gobsmacked!!!:D (and that ain't easy:rolleyes: )

Much much love as always,

Lacey xxx:)
 
Day 15 - Made it Past 2 Weeks - Yey!

Firstly, thanks Lacey. Can't wait to meet up again to. Shame you didn't make it back to the toon in Jan. Are you doing Birmingham?

Well day 15 dawns and I have SSed nonstop for 2 weeks - hurrah. Feeling quite good this morning and haven't had any packs so far, just water and coffee. It's lunchtime and I have a tetra but don't feel too bothered about it, but it is looking at me and might be gone quite shortly though!

Monday is weigh in day:

Weight: 11.10.8 (-2.8lbs)
BF: 36.9% (-0.2%)
Bust: 41.5 (same)
Waist: 36 (-1")
Hips: 42 (same)

So that's all good.

Feeling a little pee-d off a work today. Being quite new I still need a lot of hand holding and but everyone seems to spend most days in meetings and I can't sit down with my manager and ask her some stuff. Also the young girl I work with has taken a dislike to answering the phone recently. She ignores it so I am the only one picking up. She's 17 and I've been told by someone else that she is a little workshy! She also tends to take some liberties when it comes to MY lunchtime!

Methinks a word about my concerns with my manager might be in order. I don't feel like I am being as proactive or as productive as I could be and that worries me.

Could also be TOTM. I am still having my period. This is getting beyond a joke. If nothing changes by the end of this week then it's the doctors for me.

Finally, P said hello on MSN last night and I asked him if his texting finger was broken. He conveniently then logged off. So I texted him and said it was probably best not to be in contact anymore. He replied That's your perrogative, I'm really sorry you feel that way. I'm not ignoring you and I won't hurt you because I have been hurt myself. I replied well it's a funny way of not ignoring me. No texts for a week and he always logs off MSN quick smart when I go on (I know he's there because I usually stay hidden mostly). I said that an explanation wasn't really out of the question. Funnily enough I've had no reply, so there we go!

If things don't work out with R this week I am staying off the dating sites for a bit and I'm going to concentrate on SSing. Still chatting to J though - as friends (although he has been quite saucy) but he asked if I was seeing anyone else and I told him about R. He was still chatty but I think he realises that it's a friends only thing now.
 
Just caught up with your last few posts Sarah.

Well donew for getting it all down - and I'm sure it will be very good for you to have done so. Can only reiterate what all the others have said in that you are a pretty, witty, likeable woman - and hopefully you will find someone sometime who will make you happy.

You've got so much will power re SS and i admire your determination and it will be so worth it. Bet you will do that extra half stone for your friends wedding. Have you got an outfit planned yet??

Take care - and good luck for Thursday with R.
 
Hi honey,

I've just been catching up with your posts over the past couple of days and am really blown away by the amount of soul-searching and introspection you've been through - but, most of all, how incredibly self-aware and astute you are about why you feel the way you do .. and also the contradictions about knowing that most of it really IS 'codswallop' but not being able to reconcile that with the way it makes you feel.

You don't need me to tell you what I think about you as I think you already know I think you're fab - but it's not about what I (or anyone else) thinks, but how you feel about yourself. I kinda sense that you're starting to realise that looks (and body size come to that) really aren't everything - especially where men are concerned. From my own experience, men have their own insecurities (loads of 'em!) and are more attracted to a woman who makes them feel good about themselves rather than just having a 'trophy' girlfriend on their arm. Frankly, the ones who really do just want a 'trophy' wouldn't be the ones you should want to go out with anyway.

The first time I met you in Newcastle you were an absolute man-magnet - and I've told you this already! You don't see it I know, but you have an innate sexiness that has absolutely nothing to do with the way you look or what size/weight you are. You just have 'it' - whatever 'it' is. You can't buy it, you can't learn it, you can't cultivate it ... you either have it or you don't. And you truly do. To the point where I'm actually jealous as I'd love to have whatever it is you have!

I'm so thrilled that you've got past 2 weeks SS'ing - I know how tough it is, but also how confidence-building it is too when you see those scales moving ever downwards. Keep it going, honey .. you deserve every bit of success and happiness you get :)

Lots of love, as always
 
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