Well it's 12.40am and i can't sleep. There's lots of stuff churning in my head and i needed to get it out of there into some coherent format so i can actually get some rest!
I'm feeling very low at the moment (almost in tears as I write this), but more confused than anything else. I have been "forced" to think about some things that have been bothering me for a while and I guess I want to deal with them whilst they are fresh in my head.
Self esteem is the name of the game! Been thinking about myself and my personal image and how bad I always feel about myself. Tonight I have been having a quiet night in and ended up chatting with J on MSN for hours. He is having a rough time at the moment and I wanted to be his friend. All well and good, but then he talked a lot about last weekend and the regrets he had about us not working out and was basically really nice to me. I got the impression that he still really likes me and that he wants us to continue where we left off in our "cyber relationship". When I said we were just friends he said he still hoped for more. Now my problem is not dealing with J and our relationship at all but is to do with my self image. Before we met I put myself down to him and told him not to be disappointed when he met me and I looked totally different to my picture. Tonight, what he has told me has got me thinking about how warped my perceptions of myself are. I did mention this in an earlier post but if he still likes me then surely I can't be that bad? I cringe every time I look in the mirror. I hate what I see (usually) although the last week it has been a little better. That also worries me because it is almost like I need validation from another person to feel worthy.
When we said goodnight I switched the light off and tried to get to sleep but thoughts have just been bombarding me and most of them are quite deep, and they are all to do with my past relationships or lack thereof!
So back in the beginning, school, I must say I was not one of the popular crowd. I didn't have a boyfriend all through school. I fancied boys and when I look back on it I'm pretty sure that some of them liked me too, but the ones I liked were the quiet, studious and shy kind who probably never had the nerve to ask me out and I was certainly not brave enough to ask them! So my perception of myself at what was probably a crucial age was that I was hideous. I look back at pictures now and you know what, I look normal! Just a girl, normal build, short hair, pretty smile but just shy. Nobody loved me (except my parents and they don't count lol). But when I was 16 I discovered a friend - food! I would come home from school and feel so lonely I would eat, and that's where my bad habit started. I had friends but again at that crucial age my best friend moved away (some of you have met her - the lovely Kerry) and I felt so isolated. Most of my other friends had boyfriends and wanted to hang around with them instead. It was such a lonely time in my life and I think it has had a major impact on what has followed. Peer acceptance I guess has a major role to play in our lives.
University was where I actually felt I had found my place, although the afterschool binging had taken its toll and I weighed over 13stone then. I did have a rough first term in a shared house with 3 other guys. One of them was nice as pie on his own but was badly influenced by some of his pals and the worst thing was when I came home one day and opened my kitchen cupboard to find a piece of paper taped inside that said "Big Bertha". I locked myself in my room and cried for what seemed like days. Luckily I made some good friends and managed to hot foot it out of that place into private lodgings. After that things did get better and whilst I didn't have a serious relationship for the first 2 years I had a blast. Well that's the impression I gave out. All my flatmates were in relationships and I was still single. Since I was 14 I have kept a written diary and reading back on the uni ones I realise how many people actually did like me. The trouble is that it wasn't mutual. The ones I liked didn't like me and vice versa. One guy spent almost 2 years pursuing me (he even got himself a welsh girlfriend with long dark hair after I told him I wasn't interested), mind you that didn't stop him trying to get with me when she went home for weekends. Still after all this I was still hideous wasn't I? It seems ridiculous writing this down and I'm not even sure it will all remain once I've re-read it. I actually feel guilty and bigheaded for writing that I had my own admirer for such a long time. See told ya I was warped. Why the hell not would someone like me - because I am hideous that's why!!!!!
In my final year I met David and we were together for 14 years, but even that didn't convince me that I was worthy (probably a big factor in our relationship breakdown). I always figured I trapped him because I was a sophisticated (as if) final year student and he was a naive 1st year. Yeh right, coz that was reason enough to keep him with me for 14 years! In my head he stayed because it was easier for him to do so than to leave me, not because he wanted to. In the end it became true, we stayed together for a number years longer than we should have done as we had grown apart so much. Both clinging on because we were afraid of the alternative. In the end he did the wrong thing by cheating on me with a Uma Thurman lookalike (although she's not nearly as beautiful as Uma IMHO - biased me? never!). That was a final nail in my self esteem coffin. The weight piled on and relationships were totally abandoned. We have been split for just over 2 years and in that time I have built up a barrier that no-one can penetrate, until last year.
Realising how miserable I was I started LL and lost 6 stone in weight. By last summer I had been approached by more guys than I had in a long time (funnily enough most were from my work) and I don't know whether it was because I was more confident or because I was more attractive. But still no relationships. This has still troubled me deeply and once again the feelings of lonliness arose. It's all very well having a snog (god what am I, a blumming teenager lol) but a totally different thing to have a relationship. Umm, so my conclusion again is that I am unattractive and unlovable. Hideous infact! Since moving back to Wales I have had my ups and downs. Lonliness again became my enemy and in my dark days before Christmas I put 2 stone back on - food is my friend lol!
When I went on Zoodate I never expected to do anything more than flirt, I never expected to get a weekend date out of it. I tried to put J off until I had lost the weight again but he wasn't having any of it. So it is a shame that we didn't work out (but I really didn't fancy him in person, although over the phone is a different matter
). So now where am I? Back where I started, still single but with better prospects and more confidence. Have had a couple of chats with R (he phoned me from the pub tonight) and we have a date lined up on Thursday. The thing is that I am beggining to realise that I ain't that bad after all, and people do like me, for being me. I might not be a model or beautiful but I am normal and there is nothing wrong with that. I am still the same girl I was back in my teenage pictures - (almost) normal build, longer hair, a few wrinkles and a pretty smile. What goes around comes around.
I am sorry that I have discovered that I need validation from a man to make me feel whole but I am learning to accept that and hopefully build on it and build up my own validation. I guess I have my reasons for that because I never had the experiences when I was younger, which even to my ears sounds sad and a lame excuse but if I face facts rather than hide from them then I can learn and move on. Perhaps things with R on Thursday will be the start of something good, maybe not, but at least I am giving it a go and not hiding myself and my heart away from the real world. I still have issues with the fact that he told me that my picture was lovely and again I tried to put myself down. I hate expectations! I guess if he doesn't like me I will soon know, but it won't make me a bad person or even hideous. I really need to learn that appearances aren't everything but I do find that hard because in my experience they have been
. I can't actually recall anyone telling me that I am beautiful (again excepting parents). In my head my current thinking is thin=beautiful=worthy=lovable. In this rational moment of writing this down I know that this is codswallop but ask me again in the morning when I wake up with my hair a mess, anytime I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, when I go to work and have a crap day or basically anytime when I am not keeping a reign on these bad thoughts! I still have a lot to learn don't i?
The tears are no longer threatening and I feel much lighter by writing this down. Anyone who has bothered to read this far, I'm sorry it was rambling, but boy it has been therapeutic!