my diary ~ no more CD for me

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

I don't feel like I've achieved anything at all, I've just dealt with whatever life has thrown at me (badly) and got throuh it because I had to.

Believe me, you HAVE achieved SO much! You are still on this earth, you have beautiful children and a job and a lovely personality and to top that lot off you are beautiful. You have coped with life and it's challenges as best you can - that's all any of us can do... and yes, we all plod on through it because, let's face it, we DO have to!

BUT,.. you have come through it and out the other side hon. Believe me, you are an achiever.

Take the dog for a walk, get some fresh air, then a relaxing bath and early night.. go to sleep thinking happy thoughts and may your dreams be wonderful ones too.

 

[kati]

I didn't go out with the dog he's asleep. started watching extreme makeover. i wish someone would give me one. I would love to look cmpletely different. I've been looking at those picture and feel so ugly. i looked in the mirror at the same time as I took the picture and looked sooo different. Which is the right image? What do others see?

 

[Artyjoe]

I don't know what you are seeing but when I look at your photos I see a pretty young woman who is making a determined change to her life and, therefore, those around her. To have the strength to do this diet is a HUGE achievement. I imagine the two photographs don't do you justice, but they do show what a long way you have come. Go to bed if you can, hopefully the morning will make things seem clearer again. Tomorrow is another day to start afresh. Big hugs to you, Joe x

 

[Isobel1965]

I see a beautiful woman who looks younger than her biological age who has 3 kids, is a single mum, who works damn hard to keep her home running smoothly and her kids happy.

I see a woman who's had disappointments in her life but is still fighting as hard as she can to make a better life for her family.

I see a woman who is feeling low right now cos she's poorly sick and who feels like the black cloud is threatening to envelop her.

I see a woman who has a pure spirit and an intelligent mind who can't see the wood for the trees right now.

I see a woman who will recover from her illness and will start to feel much better once her body stops hurting and whose spirits will lift once all the confusion and worry about the house and work comes to a satisfactory conclusion.

I see a woman who doesn't quite realise how valued she is as a friend by so many.

I see a woman who needs a really good night's sleep and who needs to try to believe in and value herself -


cos she's LUSH!!!!!!!!!!


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[kati]

Thankyou both for that so much. you have made me cry but in a good way

I don't know what more I can say to that other than maybe I'm too critical.

I see others who are slim and beautiful and think I wish I could be like that. I wll see it in myself one day. when I stop looking to be like anyone else I will be happy as I am.

 

[Isobel1965]

You don't need to envy anyone else, hun - you've got it all going on, if only you could be objective and see that (easier said than done, I know)

Please take the advice I've just PMd you - it's important!!

 

[kati]

Thanks Isobel you've been a big help. I feel a lot happier now than I did earlier.

I need to think of myself as a l'oreal advert from now on. I am worth it! Oh and I am as beautiful as anyone else.

I thought I'd put a picture of my dog as my avatar, he's so much cuter lol. My picture is now in my profile instead.

I need to find batteries for my proper digital camera so I can get a better picture of me. I have a much better one on my phone but I don't know how to get it onto the computer from there. the email thing doesn't work.

 

[happygal]

Your face looks mega slimmer!! Your hot babe!! Pity Im not a lesbian and engaged to boot!!

 

[kati]

lol thanks claire. I might just get over you being engaged, it'll take time but I'll get over it

 

[kati]

welll I have now moved onto the stage of coughing so much itt makes me sick. I hate when it's like that. But means another day off cos I can't be doing that hilst preparing food.

My head hurts so much, taken some tablets for it. The dog hasn't left my side all morning.

I've gone back up to 10 stone 13 which isn't good but the amount I've eaten I'm surprised its not more! Oh well. must get back to avoiding carbs instead of eating everything in sight.

 

[KateF]

Gosh, Isobel's post made me nearly cry too!
Agree with every word in it.

First off;
You're really pretty- that does come across in the photo (though I don't remember you being quite so grey in real life, lol!, and I'm glad it helped you really see the difference in you)
I'm full of admiration for how you juggle bringing up three children AND having a job AND having come so far with the diet.
You're funny and clever and giving. I know you're frustrated with some aspects of your life- but it's true that Rome wasn't built in a day. You ARE making changes step by step-not just the diet, but being more assertive, trying to figure out what you want.
It's a gradual process. Sometimes you'll go backwards, sometimes you'll go forwards. That's okay. I think it truly is about staying with the journey and accepting the diversions and turns along the way.

(Had to laugh by the way, I read back a few posts about your new avatar pic of you- and now of course it's got a cute Spaniel next to it- didn't remember you being quite so furry!)

It sounds like what with Christmas and approaching size 10 (and feeling crap anyway) you're having all sorts of memories of times when you hoped things would be brilliant and then were disillusioned, triggered.

Memories can be painful- but they're about the past not the future. I know it's trite to just say "You can make your own future" as if it was as easy as that. But you're already proving that you CAN make your future different. Symbolically with the weight loss, but in lots of other ways too. Now is NOT then.

Re. photos and mirrors and which is the true image- I'd say- confusingly- neither. Photos aren't true because they're static and people are moving and alive. Mirrors aren't true unless we really, really can look without years of projections and prejudices about what we could look like, what we should look like, what we think women should be, how similar we look to our family, what "Heat" magazine have said is good this week etc, etc

When you said that you should try for what YOU look like, not an idea of what you should be according to some internalised social ideals you've swallowed, that sounds like a good goal. Also, I think on the forums here somewhere, someone once said they took a photo of themselves every day for a year. 365 different images. None were exactly them, just glimpses of them, moments of them- but it made them realise how many ways there are to be seen. By themselves and by others.

Being seen is one thing- Being is quite another.

Today, take care of yourself, and just BE.

xx

 

[kati]

Thanks Kate, you've really thought about that reply haven't you! I'll get there in the end just sometimes it gets hard along the way.

Sorry for scaring you with pictures of my dog lol wonder how any other people were thinking I look a bit ruff lol

I think i'll have to decide that the mirror is a more correct view than a photograph because I look better in the mirror lol. simple as that!

 

[flirty40greeneyes]

Kati - just sat and read through your post.

You come across as so lovely and I've just looked on your profile and you ARE so attractive. Can't better what anyone else has said - but wanted to add my vote of your "beautifulness"!!!

Take care - looking after 3 kids on your own is never easy - and YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!

 

[kati]

thanks for that I'll be blushing soon

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

you should be blushing - you are a stunning looking girl and everything all these lovely people have said and then some! It will take time to get that into your own head, but it will happen one day

Hope you are feeling lots better and drinking lots of water (it should help the headache and help get rid of those nasty germs!)

((((hugs))))

 

[kati]

thanks Jennie, I've just been sleeping loads really

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

oooh, sleeping is good! Natures way of healing! Wonderful! (((hugs)) I'm off here for the evening in a bit, but will check in tomorrow hun. Hope you feel lots better very very soon xx

 

[kati]

this week I'm foregoing the extra £30 I get for working extra hours in the shop because I should only have 1 more week before I'm working full time and I'm ill so although I need the money I wont be so short very soon and I want to feel better. So I'm having tomorrow off too and I might just go window sopping at the metrocentre to get me out of the house and away from food. (ok there's loads of food shps there but if I've got no money I can't by it can i) My friend wants me to go out with her tomorrow night but I don't think I can be bothered. Plus I only have the 1 dress to wear which I wore to the same place last week. Actually the amount I've eaten it might not fit me any more lol. I was supposed to be going to the quaysde tonight but definately not up for that. Mr Mechanic decided he wasn't going out tonight too before I told him I wsn't. Wonder why hmmmm nothing to do with some woman being there with him I'm sure.

I know there wasn't just the one woman but the other one I could kind of ignore more because he did get married to her years ago. and it turns out that I'm the other woman in that scenario (unbelievable!!!) Apparently she knows nothing about me (why????) but knows about the other one. So his sisters don't seem to have anything against him having 2 women on the go but 3 is too much. (again, unbelievable!!!) Anyway, he is living with her not his mother (aaargh it gets worse) and she has met this other lass and is still with him and lets him go out knowing she will be there (and I thought I was dumb!) All the while he's still trying it on with me too (see worse every minute) I'm so surprised he didn't get caught up in all his lies all on his own. How does he find the time, or energy for all of this?

I had a dream that I crashed my car and had to have an operation and while I was being sedated I realised one of the nurses was his wife (grr) and mentioned it and she looked through my phone to see all the texts from him (I'm sad and save texts from him that mean something, like the ones that said he loved me ) and then she made my life a misery in the hospital. In reality I wouldn't recognise her if I tripped over her, I just know her name.

So there we go my life is even more sordid than anyone thought, and he is a complete ****. How did he get away with this for a year and a half?!? He must be a hell of a good liar. Oh well, partly my fault he got away with it I suppose for not seeing him when I had the kids.

Never mind, time for a new chapter in my life. speaking of chapters i read a book a while ago that made me feel so awful abut myself. It was about a girl who was overweight and unhappy and totally transformed her life. the story in itself was ok but it upset me that the author kept going on about how awful and fat and disgusting she was when the description said she was the same height/weight/size as I was. All I could think of was is that how people think of me? I couldn't put the book down because I had to keep reaading to see if it got any worse. Once the girl had lost weight and it then changed to how fantastic she looked it then started going on about how she could never let anyone find out just what she was really like before because it was so awful.

I think that is what really spurred me on to start CD. I know it's only a story but it was an eye opener as to just how bad people must have thought of me, and I started to believe it myself. I think I'm going to have to read it again to give myself some more motivation to get back into ssing. Must lose another 2 stone or I wont be happy. Ideally I'd like to lose more but 2 stone is a good start. I don't want to be anywhere near overweight any more.

 

[kati]

I decided to get ut of the house today and went to the metrocentre. I decided to follow KateF's lead and went to M&S to get measured and see what my bra size is now. I nearly died when she said she thought I'm a 32G!!!!! Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Thankfully the 32G's were too big (phew!) but still I'm only 1size smaller than that in a 32F. Eeek! I wanted to have nice small boobies so I could walk into any shop and get a nice pretty cheap bra that fits. But noooo that doesn't happen to me. I lose weight and now it's even harder to get bras because most places wont put a 32 with an F cup. humph! shrink boobies, shrink!

I told the woman measuring me that I didnt know what sie to get with just having lost weight then told her I didnt ant anything expensive cos I have another 2 stone to lose. She's another one that said not to lose that much. She said because I've obviously lost a lot of it from around my ribs then I'm going to keep n losing it there and will look ill.

I tried watching other people to see what sizes they picked up. I wanted to see if I could guess who was around the same size as me. I was quite surprised as to how people looked who were picking up size 12's. So. I've deided I am not as big as my head is trying to tell me. If I don't lose any more weight then it wont be the end of the world but it doesn't mean I am forever fat either. I do want to lose more but I'm not sure sole source is the way to go for me now. I've had this week where I've eaten whatever I've felt like and was going to try to o back onto ss today but I was starving so I bought myself a jacket potato. I could only eat about half of it before I was stuffed though. Before the diet I would have ate that and had room for another one too! So I'm happy that even if i don't get back onto the diet properly I can still make good chices about what I eat and wont end up as big as I was again.

I will try to get onto cd 790 though and wont feel guity if I go over it to 1000 instead. I'm not going to set myself any more aims other than to not go over 11 stone again. I would love it if I can get below 10 stone by the end of the year but if it doesn't happen I wont beat myself up over it

 

[Lottie-kins]

Thats a really positive attitude - good on you! Congratulations on your loss so far!