SA's 810 and beyond diary a.k.a My daily kick up my own behind ;-)

[Serena A]

Serena stop thinking about what you have done (enjoyed your holiday and gained a few lb's). Think of this as any other day on maintenance. Find a day in your food diary that you didn't get bored with and stuck to and follow that for the week. It will only take a week or so to sort things out. You know this.

Look at your pics...... look at the person you would rather be and stay with that inspiration and focus.

Be strong. You are an inspiration to many and will continue to be. This is life and maintenance presents many of these problems for all of us.

IMPORTANT TO LOOK FORWARD AND NOT AT THE PAST. I'm sure I could find one of your many quotes for you to heed your own advice.

Bren
XX

Thank you so much Bren, you are absolutley spot-on. I'm very much someone who lives in the past, not just with dieting/weight but in most other parts of my life too. I'm always pining to go back to a certain part of my life or wishing I could rewind a situation or event, and I dwell on things I said or things I did far too much.

I read your post just before I logged off to leave work for the day and it stopped me from diving into the shops on the way home to carry on with the self-destruction.

Thanks again xxx

 

[penny35]

Hello my darling that time is amazing, sooooooo very jealous.
Well done for staying strong on the way home, the self distruct button is in full action in my house, so you can't use it in your's too, so there,lol.
Your are and will always be my SUPERSTAR, I still have your picture on my wall, and it makes me smile everytime I look at it, cos your so beautiful inside and out.... so double there!!!!!
I had hoped to have enough guts to go and see Sally tomorrow, but the brave side of me has gone missing, Iam off on holiday on wednesday, so I think I have decided to enjoy that, then its only a week or so till my op, then this weight can sod the bloody hell off.
The holiday will involue walking to the top of another mountain, so that should use some calories up, and its in the middle of the lakes, no shops, only one pub,we can't afford,lol.
Huggles as always my lovely lady, ohhhhhhhhh looking good in them there pictures, and soooooooo tiny too, you rat bag.

 

[Serena A]

LOL Penny

I know what you meant about not wanting to go and see Sally, I was the same last week and still feel the same this week! I'm still planning to go but whether I get on the scales is another matter - I'd rather bury my head in the sand at the moment rather than burden myself with yet another pressure...

Your holiday sounds fab although rather too energetic for my liking!

xx

 

[penny35]

Your so funny, you were always the quiet one, and your the only one that has made it to goal and kept there, and you tell my holiday is too energic, the woman who ran race for life in, what time?lol.
I still might ring Sally in the morning, but to be honest Iam not hopeful,lol.
You take care darling, off for a glass of water, and instead of the crisps I really want, should work for about five minutes,lol.

 

[Serena A]

Mmmmm water...enjoy! xx

 

[Katycakes]

Serena, biiiiig hugs... so sorry. I do understand... it's when you are on a high sometimes that you are vulnerable. I know you have been feeling wobbly hon and no wonder... the holiday 'treat' foods, the possible (but temporary) weight gain, the anniversary, the race, fathers day...

You are a hero Serena and a star to so many of us, but you are still human and you have feelings and hurts. We have coped with those hurts for years and years by turning to food and we also know that old impulse takes a long time to go away for good (if it ever does). But you have done so amazingly well at challenging that impulse over the last 9 months or so, learned new habits, made new patterns, found tactics that work and help. And it must be a shock to know that those things are not always enough, and sometimes the feelings are so churny that the old addiction surfaces again.

That's OK. I wish it hadn't happened because I can see how it has shaken you but you will get through it, I promise. You are strong and you are smart and you are not going to let a stupid bar of chocolate or whatever beat you. Look at your signature pics honey. That person is beautiful and kind and wise and supports everyone here on minis. We love ya, hon. Not gonna let you fall.

xxx

 

[Serena A]

Katy you are such a sweetie, you really are. :thankyou:

I honestly can't say why I'm feeling the way I feel right now. I look at my ticker and my pictures and my previous posts and I get this overwhelming numbness to it all, like it's not me and that I'm deluding myself into thinking I could ever be a success at anything.

I know a part of me still cares otherwise I'd have disappeared off the forum but boy am I having a hard time trying to snap out of it...grrrr.

Thank you for catching me when I fall - your arms are gonna ache by the end of all this xx

 

[sleepybird]

Bless you Serena, I can't better what Katy or others have said but you will work this thing through, I know you will. Please use us to shout out your frustrations or work through your thoughts, we all root for you and wish you well. Come on top bird, you can get through this!! xx

 

[Katycakes]

Serena - Sleepy, Penny, Bren, Laura, Raquel and everyone else is lining up to catch you too... we have a big fluffy blanket all spread out and you can jump into it as many times as you need to.

The numbness... that is something I think we have all felt, I have anyway, in the past. I used to think it was like a haze or mist that descended and I could get lost in it for days, weeks, months... maybe it's the numbness we are actually looking for as we binge? Because numbness is better than pain. Or that's what I used to think. But I got so I felt so lost and sad in that mist, so alone. The haze gave me permission to binge, too, and in the end that made me feel like s***. It was a form of self-harm.

You'll have your own version of this. You know it didn't make you feel good. You know you've come a long way, achieved something brilliant and real, but the haze is blurring all that. I don't think it is a coincidence that lots of us who binge are high achievers, hard on ourselves, with low self-esteem... we can do the control thing, be strong, but deep down we don't believe we deserve to be 'fixed' - or to be slim. And when we trip, it's like we knew all along it would end like this. Because that's all we are worth, all we deserve.

Um, no... not any more. Not me, not you, not any of us. Because we are not alone anymore with the haze and the tub of ice-cream/whatever. We have each other. Yes, there is a release in eating trash and proving to ourselves we are as rubbish as we always suspected, but it's short-lived and ultimately destructive. I think you've moved past that. I know you have. You can come back from this, hon... keep posting, keep sharing, hang on. The numbness will pass.

Big hugs.

xxx

 

[Serena A]

Bless you Serena, I can't better what Katy or others have said but you will work this thing through, I know you will. Please use us to shout out your frustrations or work through your thoughts, we all root for you and wish you well. Come on top bird, you can get through this!! xx

Honestly I don't know what I'd do without you all, thank you Sleepybird xx

I'm distracting myself in the Arcade at the moment, how bleedin' tough is that Connect 2 game?

 

[Serena A]

Serena - Sleepy, Penny, Bren, Laura, Raquel and everyone else is lining up to catch you too... we have a big fluffy blanket all spread out and you can jump into it as many times as you need to.

The numbness... that is something I think we have all felt, I have anyway, in the past. I used to think it was like a haze or mist that descended and I could get lost in it for days, weeks, months... maybe it's the numbness we are actually looking for as we binge? Because numbness is better than pain. Or that's what I used to think. But I got so I felt so lost and sad in that mist, so alone. The haze gave me permission to binge, too, and in the end that made me feel like s***. It was a form of self-harm.

You'll have your own version of this. You know it didn't make you feel good. You know you've come a long way, achieved something brilliant and real, but the haze is blurring all that. I don't think it is a coincidence that lots of us who binge are high achievers, hard on ourselves, with low self-esteem... we can do the control thing, be strong, but deep down we don't believe we deserve to be 'fixed' - or to be slim. And when we trip, it's like we knew all along it would end like this. Because that's all we are worth, all we deserve.

Um, no... not any more. Not me, not you, not any of us. Because we are not alone anymore with the haze and the tub of ice-cream/whatever. We have each other. Yes, there is a release in eating trash and proving to ourselves we are as rubbish as we always suspected, but it's short-lived and ultimately destructive. I think you've moved past that. I know you have. You can come back from this, hon... keep posting, keep sharing, hang on. The numbness will pass.

Big hugs.

xxx

There's not much I can say to that...you have this uncanny knack of reading the situation to a tee, not just with this but with all your posts throughout the forum.

Sometimes we get so lost in the haze of our own emotions that we can't see the wood for the trees and it takes an outside observer to guide us in the right direction...you've pretty much described everything I feel and have felt.

I will work through this.

xx

 

[sleepybird]

*clears throat*

Poem for the day:

Lovely Serena, in a bit of a muddle
Mini's on here want to give her a cuddle.
She's done so well and doesn't realise-
her beauty and charm blinds her(still)fat goggles eyes.
Having seen her piccis, she nowt but a stick
she worries too much, has the occasional pick
she's done so well, yet she feels hollow:
bring your head in, and the rest will follow!

Oooh, im SO in the wrong job!!

 

[aussieraquel]

What a cute poem. Have nothing else to add cos everyone has given such awesome advice, thinking of you xox. We are all here for each other.

 

[Serena A]

*clears throat*

Poem for the day:

Lovely Serena, in a bit of a muddle
Mini's on here want to give her a cuddle.
She's done so well and doesn't realise-
her beauty and charm blinds her(still)fat goggles eyes.
Having seen her piccis, she nowt but a stick
she worries too much, has the occasional pick
she's done so well, yet she feels hollow:
bring your head in, and the rest will follow!

Oooh, im SO in the wrong job!!

Wow I have my very own poem - how cool is that!! arty0038:

Sleepybird you are most definitely in the wrong job and how on earth did you know about my fat goggles?

You lot are all amazing
xx

 

[alexmummy07]

Serena

I'm not sure there is much I can add as the advice all the others have already given is so good. All I can say is, even when I was SS'ing and peeping in here, you have always been such a strong, caring person, so I know although you may not feel it at the moment, that strength and determination will come back, and the will to carry on will return, and with it a happy Serena

You have done soo well - keep posting hun, everyone is here for you x

 

[LellyCD]

hey serena, hope you are ok darl, can't really offer much in the way of advice (still wading through my own issues) but just want you to know i'm rooting for you and know you will get through this, chin up x

p.s. am reading 'feel the fear' book...dead good!! repeat after me 'I am powerful and i love it!!' woohoo!

 

[Katycakes]

Hi hon, hope your day is unfolding well... thinking of you.

Hugs.

xxx

 

[Serena A]

You have done soo well - keep posting hun, everyone is here for you x

Thanks hun

am reading 'feel the fear' book...dead good!! repeat after me 'I am powerful and i love it!!' woohoo!

Lol! I will definitely track down that book (and read it whilst eating a bar of choccy probably )

Hi hon, hope your day is unfolding well... thinking of you.

Thank you xx

I am positive you know that deep deep down as well. You look amazing and you're going to be fine - I know it.

Thanks Jess, glad you're getting on well with your own CD journey too

 

[Serena A]

Another day...

I'm very glad to say that I've perked up a bit recently and have made sensible food choices and kept up with the exercise. Still have my fat goggles on but overall feeling much more positive and it's all down to you guys...thanks :grouphugg:

I know I'm still a little heavier than my target because I can feel it in my clothes but they're getting looser again which is great.

I won't be posting for a while...I want to give myself a bit of a breather from the forum so I can step back from the diet on/diet off mentality that has resurfaced since my holiday.

Huge hugs and will catch up with everyone again soon xx

 

[Katycakes]

Will miss you honey so call in sometimes to say hi. Understand and know you have to do this... and that you will be OK. Big hugs Serena.

xxx